26
Aly
I woke up that Thursday morning feeling sick to my stomach. It wasn’t anything drastic, but it definitely took me a minute to get out of bed. All my energy was drained even though I’d gone to bed early and slept nearly nine hours. I really hoped I wasn’t coming down with something. I went through the day slowly, getting Cooper ready but doing the minimum I had to do. By the time Cooper went to bed that night, I was crashing in mine, not even telling anyone good night.
My alarm went off blaring in my ear, and I reached over, slapping the button hard. I rolled over on my side and rubbed my stomach, feeling that same queasiness only with more intensity. Slowly, I pulled myself out of bed and stood in front of the dresser, getting clothes out for the day. Before I could fully get the rest of the clothes out, I raced into the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. I sat back on my heels and closed my eyes, breathing heavily, wiping the sweat from my forehead. I felt terrible, dizzy, tired, and my stomach was doing flip-flops. I hadn’t even eaten anything really the day before because I didn’t have much of an appetite at all. It wasn’t abnormal for me to get so caught up in work that I forgot to eat, so I hadn’t really thought about it until I was dry heaving over the toilet.
I picked myself up and walked over to the sink, starting the cool water and splashing it on my face. I brushed my teeth and rinsed out my mouth. thinking about what could have possibly made me that ill. There was always the possibility that Cooper brought something home from school, but he wasn’t sick at all. In fact, his appetite had increased. I opened the drawer out of habit and pulled out my birth control. I popped out the pill and tossed it back, stopping as I swallowed with a curiosity building in my mind. I walked back in the room and opened the calendar on my phone and started counting days. I must have counted at least ten times before realizing I hadn’t gotten my period since I’d been there. I stood back and shook my head, not understanding how I could have possibly missed that.
I looked at the time and raced back into the bathroom and threw on my clothes. I had to get Cooper breakfast and get him off to school. The entire time I cooked, though, my mind was on that calendar, and my heart was fluttering wildly in my chest. I sat with him while he ate like normal and tried to pretend like there was nothing wrong with me. I had never had a pregnancy scare before and having to function and not being able to say anything about it was more difficult than I thought it would be.
After breakfast, we headed out to school, and I wished him a good day in class like I always did. Once he was out of sight, though, I tuned the GPS to the closest drug store and headed over to buy a pregnancy test—or four. I stood in the aisle staring at all the different options, unsure of which to try. I ended up buying the name brand ones, too afraid to leave it up to a store brand. I was shaking all the way back to the house, and I was glad I’d brought my big purse, so I could shove the tests in there in case Blake was up when I got home.
When I got there, I walked upstairs and shut and locked my bedroom door. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The only time we could have gotten pregnant would have been that first time, and it would be my luck that it happened. I started to beat myself up for not keeping up on my pills, for having unprotected sex, and even for getting involved with Blake at all. I took the tests into the bathroom but set them on the counter, unrolling the instructions and reading them very carefully.
I sighed and stood up, taking two of the tests from the packages and holding them up in front of me. I might as well take two and make myself feel better about whatever results they showed. I sat down on the toilet and peed on both of them, putting on the caps and setting them on the counter. I cleaned myself up and moved over to the bathtub where I sat staring down at the timer on my phone. When it finally dinged, I stood up and breathed deeply, gathering my courage before walking over and staring down at them.
I’d made sure to get the digital ones so there would be no confusion over lines. Sure, enough, both of them read “pregnant”. I put my hand on the counter and steadied myself, feeling my knees going weak. I took the tests and put them in my drawer, shoving the bag with the boxes in my trash can. Slowly, I walked out to the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed, staring into space. I wanted to cry, just let go and completely bawl my eyes out. This wasn’t in the plans. Blake already had a son, and after everything he’d been through, I couldn’t imagine him chomping at the bit to have another child. We barely knew each other, despite living together for the last month.
It was supposed to be fun, passionate; a good time while I was here. This was not supposed to be something that lasted a lifetime. And what about school? I wasn’t finished yet, had no real career, and struggled enough working and keeping up with classes much less having a baby to contend with as well. My whole life I had been the most careful person in the world and not just with sex but with everything. The one time I chose to throw caution to the wind and have some torrid love affair with my lifelong crush, I ended up getting myself knocked up.
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call my mom or my sisters; they would lose their absolute fucking minds. I looked back up at the bathroom and walked quickly in there, reopening the drawer and pulling the tests out. I couldn’t hide them there. I didn’t want there to be any chance Blake or Cooper came across them. So, I took them to my closet, found my suitcase, and zipped them into the inner compartment. I ran back and grabbed the boxes, too, and did the same thing. I felt like I was covering up a murder. I loved kids. I really thought that when the time came though, that I would be shouting it from the rooftops with a loving husband, not sitting alone in a dimly lit room, completely across the country from my family, hiding the evidence.
I had to tell Blake. Of course, I did, but I had no idea how to do that. It wasn’t something I could bring up at the dinner table and making it a surprise was not in the cards. I sighed and went back over to my computer. I needed to put it out of my mind by getting some schoolwork done. That posed a much more difficult task than I first thought. My mind kept bouncing back to the tests, and I still felt sick as a dog and wanted to take a nap every five seconds.
I suffered my way through the rest of the day, mainly holed up in my room except when I had to go down and try to get some food in my stomach. I didn’t want to run into Blake, not yet. I wanted to have time to think about what I was going to say to him. I hoped he didn’t think I’d done it on purpose, because I was definitely not that kind of person. We were both at fault for what happened in the laundry room, and though I should have stood up and said stop, I didn’t.
When Cooper was home from school, I did my best to be present and pay attention, but all I could focus on was the damn pregnancy tests. Luckily, after he finished his homework, all he wanted to do was play video games. It gave me the time to cook dinner and think about things some more. I needed to not wait to tell Blake. I needed to rip the Band-Aid off right away. It would only get worse as time passed, and the last thing I wanted was a complete emotional breakdown in front of the man. I was still pretty numb from finding out, as it was, so it might be easier before the hormones kicked in and the emotions took control.
All throughout dinner, I was worried about what Blake was going to say. I sat quietly, trying to act like I was paying attention, eating my macaroni and cheese. Blake glanced over at me several times, catching me staring off into space, and I cleared my throat, sitting up in the chair and smiling. Finally, when he came back into the room after putting Cooper to bed, I completely chickened out. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I sat on the couch silently. Blake raised an eyebrow at me and walked over, putting his hand out.
“You okay?” he asked as he scooped me up into his arms.
“Yeah,” I said, leaning back. “Just a little tired, that’s all. I haven’t really been feeling too hot lately.”
“Come on,” he said with a pouty lip. “Let’s go to bed then.”
I nodded, kicking myself for not telling him. Instead, I took his hand
and followed him back to his bed. I needed him, especially then, and it was starting to feel like an addiction more than anything.
27
Blake
We had really great sex that night, though I had to admit it was a bit gentler than normal. Aly seemed to be in that mood, like she needed me to have my arms around her, be close, take our time with things. Afterward, we lay in bed talking, our hands intertwined, laughing about silly things that happened during the day, about business, and about life in general. We usually always had great conversations when it was the two of us. There wasn’t anything stressful in our lives, and it was a time both of us could take off the nanny and Dad hats and say whatever we were thinking about at the time. I really loved how we got along so well. It was refreshing.
“I’m pretty sure my assistant, Inez, thinks I’m a nutcase by now.” I chuckled.
“Why?” Aly asked.
“Because over the last year, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, and just in the last two months, it’s been up, down, up, down,” I said. “I’m pretty sure she keeps mace in her drawer, thinking one day I’m going to snap.”
“Oh.” She chuckled. “I’m sure she understands. She’s been with you a long time, right?”
“Since I started the company,” I said.
“Then, she should know by now that you aren’t going to go postal on anyone,” she said.
“So, what do you want in the future?” I asked Aly. “I know you’re going to school, but I don’t know what for.”
“I’m going to school for early childhood development,” she said after a brief look I couldn’t name flashed across her face. “When I’m done with that, I’m thinking probably teaching or something along those lines.”
“How about you?” she asked. “I mean, I know you have your career, but do you imagine yourself having more kids or getting married again ever?”
“Kids?” I chuckled. “No. I’m too old for that now. I can’t imagine starting over with a baby. And getting married again? I don’t know. I don’t know that I want to ever risk hurting that badly ever again. ”
Aly got quiet, and I squeezed her close to me, reaching over and shutting off the light. I figured she had a long day and was probably exhausted. I scooted down in the bed and held her close as I fell asleep with her in my arms. I always slept so well with her right there, and even though it was kind of frightening to have that revelation, I held her close anyway.
The next day at work, I pumped through some big projects that were on the books and cleared out my inbox all by lunchtime. Inez went out and grabbed us takeout, and I sat at my desk, eating my sub, thinking about my life. Everything was so different now. Life was getting better day by day, and I could see it reflecting in everything I did, from getting up in the morning to not chewing anyone’s head off before coffee and being productive and being there for Cooper. It hadn’t been this good in a really long time, and I had Aly to thank for that. Everything good that had come into my life had done so since her arrival.
She had blown into our lives with the motivation and fortitude to make things better on all ends of the spectrum. She didn’t take no for an answer, and she let me know when things weren’t right, and I needed that, even if I’d pushed it away in the beginning. It was always hard for me to take criticism, especially when it came to my child or the way I lived my life, but she didn’t care. She made sure I stuck to my duties as a father and pulled my ass up out of the mud so I could keep the beautiful life I’d built, even if it had been at someone else’s side.
Cooper and I were getting along better than we ever had before. When Aly first got there, we barely said two words to each other, and come to find out, my son thought I didn’t like him because he couldn’t throw a baseball or play football. I didn’t care about any of those things, but I didn’t even notice he felt that way until Aly gave him a voice. I had a child in my home, and I’d treated him like a stranger. It wasn’t how I wanted to be as a father, and I think she could see that somewhere in my eyes. When Aly told me I needed to get to know my son better, I was pissed, but that anger drove me to never have that happen again. It pushed me to listen to my son and find out what he really thought. By doing that, we created a bond I hoped would never be broken.
From all those positive changes at home, came a more responsible and stronger self. I went to work and opened my eyes for the first time in an entire year. I realized I wasn’t doing my job. I was putting everything on the shoulders of my assistant, and that wasn’t fair. I expected to stay where I was but didn’t want to lift a finger to do anything. I was drowning in my own depression like there was a weight pulling me down. After Aly came, I really started to snap out of it. I started to be more energized at work, and my work ethic had been completely dusted off. For the first time in a year, I was making money again instead of coasting through, hoping it would take care of itself.
It felt great to be back. It felt good to wake up every morning and smile at the sunshine instead of closing the blinds and going back to sleep. That pertained to life too. It felt good to not close the blinds on life anymore as well. Going to the gym had become something I did to stay in shape, no longer something I did to make myself feel better or to release whatever anger and frustration were going on in my head at the moment. I did things because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated. All of that started the moment Aly had told me to let go of my anger. She had enabled me to recognize what I was doing to my family and to myself by holding onto the past and all the emotion that was involved in that.
When my wife died, there was so much to think about, so much to work through. I was heartbroken, angry, and sad that she’d died, leaving our son without his mother. All those emotions were swirling around inside of me, and they were so strong and overwhelming that I had to shut them out instead of facing them head-on. I had finally reached a point where it was possible for me to let it go, to want to move on, and let the past lie. Sure, I didn’t always let go of my anger completely. There were times when I was angry for no reason, but those times were fewer and farther between, and I stopped letting it rule my life. It was like a million-pound weight lifted off my shoulders.
By the end of the day, I had really knocked out most everything I needed to get done. Usually by that point, I was still trying to catch up on the week before. I left the office feeling good, with a bright attitude, ready to go home and snuggle up with Aly for the night. When I pulled up to the house, I noticed the lights in the house were on. By this time, most of them were usually off. I parked the car and went inside, turning the corner to find Cooper sitting at the kitchen table. He was usually in bed by now, even on a Friday night. I had stayed late at work to make sure I didn’t need to do anything this weekend, so I knew something was up.
“Hey, buddy,” I said, hanging my coat over the back of the chair and putting my suitcase on the counter. “You should be in bed by now. Where’s Aly?”
“Aly’s really sick,” he said. “She tried to take care of me anyway, but she couldn’t get off of the bathroom floor. I told her it was okay, and I would wait for you. I didn’t want to go to bed until you came home to check on her.”
“Aw, buddy,” I said, hugging him. “That’s really sweet of you. I’ll walk upstairs with you, and you go ahead and climb in bed. I’ll go check on Aly and make sure she’s okay.”
He nodded and stood up, following me down the hall and up the stairs. I smiled down on him, dropping a kiss to his forehead as I covered him up and wished him sweet dreams. I shut the door behind me and raced to Aly’s room. I was really worried from the moment I got home and saw Cooper sitting at the table by himself, but I didn’t want to panic and scare him. I made my way to her bedroom and walked in carefully, calling her name.
“Aly?” I said, walking toward the bathroom.
“In here,” she groaned.
I turned the corner and found her sitting on the floor in front of the toilet, her head leaning against the wall, her face as white as
a ghost. I bent down in front of her and felt her forehead. She felt a little warm but nothing too crazy. She pushed herself upright and shook her head.
“What’s going on?” I asked kindly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I must have eaten something bad. I will be okay. I need to rest, that’s all.”
“Okay,” I said. “Come on. Let’s get you up and into bed.”
She reached her arm up, and I helped her to her feet. As soon as I saw she was having trouble with balance, I scooped her up into my arms and carried her to the bed. I tucked her in and kissed her on the forehead, watching as she quickly fell asleep. I wanted to help, but I knew there was nothing I could do but let her rest.
28
Aly
I hated lying. I always had, even when I was a kid and I knew telling the truth would get me in trouble. I was probably honest to a fault at times, but it was important to me. With this, though, I couldn’t tell Blake, not after the conversation we had. No matter how much it bothered me to lie to him – and it bothered me to the point of tears – the news would not be happy news to him. He might even explode on me, feeling backed into a corner when all we were supposed to be doing was having a good time. He’d told me point blank that having a baby was the last thing in the world he wanted. Yes, that question was posed in a manner in which we were thinking about the future and not in a position where he really thought I was pregnant, but still, that was how he felt deep down inside.
Men in Charge: A Contemporary Romance Box Set Page 14