“Yeah baby.” He said and his eyes are on mine and his hands are gripping me hard, I’ll have marks on my hips in the morning. “Want me to come baby?”
“Yes.” I say and don’t look away when he grits his teeth and let’s go, shooting every drop inside of me.
I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life
I know you’ll be a star
In somebody else’s sky, but why?
Why? Why?
Can’t it be. Can’t it be mine.
Chapter Fifteen
Tayla
It was Monday and in less than fifteen minutes the hearing for custody of Axe would begin. We were meeting in a conference room at the Olympia courthouse with our team of lawyers and Jenny’s court appointed lawyer. Even with the best law team Washington had to offer behind us, the court appointed lawyer still had the biggest weapon. He was defending the biological mother and that is a heavy hand to beat.
Axe was with Cal’s mom and dad while the proceedings took place but the rest of the gang was here in a show of support. I sat beside Cal on the bench just outside the conference room rubbing his back. He was dressed up in Cal fashion of course. Black slacks with his Chuck Taylors and a black shirt rolled at the sleeves. He was nothing if not Cal Dorian.
I rubbed his back trying to soothe his nerves as he bounces his knee rapidly. “Breathe baby. I don’t think any judge is going to grant full custody to Jenny based on the proof of her bad parenting choices.” We had signed statements from three different bands that were willing to testify to Axe being drug along so Jenny could party.
“I know...” He says and I know he wants to say more but he doesn’t. Cal I think will always struggle being the guy to wear his emotions openly and I feel so deeply for the man beside me and wish he’d open up.
I sigh and continue rubbing his back when he looks at me. “I can’t lose him babe.” He says and seeing him this vulnerable destroys me.
“Cal no way you are going to lose him honey. The worst case scenario is visitation at 50/50 and we both know she won’t want to keep to it after she has freedom and money in the bank.”
We had drawn up every possible outcome over the weekend, prepared to battle for Axe. We knew no matter what he wouldn’t be denied the right to be his father and gain visitation, that was a given. Cal’s biggest concern was that the Judge would frown upon Cal’s job and that he was gone as often as he was. We drew up scenarios for that as well, one being Cal gives up his career until Axe turned twelve. None of us wanted that, but we all agreed that Axe came first.
The click-clack of cheap stilettos echoed toward us as Jenny came into view, in skin tight faded holy skinny jeans and a black TAT tank top. She looked the part of fangirl and I felt a tinge of hope seeing how careless she was.
“Mr. Dorian.” The clerk says and Cal stands, his hand tightly gripping mine.
“Miss Pope, if you’ll follow me.” He says and we follow him into the room leaving TAT in the hall awaiting the verdict.
Cal
I see Jenny as she walks into the courthouse and I cringe at the sight of her. I can’t believe I ever touched her and it’s with raw disdain that I keep my mouth shut. I can see so much of my son in her features, he has all of them but her eyes and her hair color, but she is his mother. I think of all the neglect she gave him and I can barely contain my anger. I haven’t seen her in months and it disgusts me that the last time I saw her, our son was almost a year old and I had no idea.
Right as I am about to say something to her, the clerk comes out and calls us into the room. I pull Tayla in with me, my hand holding hers so tight she probably has lost circulation by now, but I can’t let go until we finally sit across from her and the giant oak table doesn’t take away the fact that she is too damn close for my stomach.
We all rise as the Judge enters the room he proceeds to cover court information and explain the purpose of the hearing. “Miss Pope, tell me what you’re hoping to gain from this hearing in regards to the child.”
Jenny looks to her attorney who shakes his head no, but she ignores him. “Your Honor may I speak freely?” She says and she looks terrified and I am glad. I wasn’t prepared though for what she said next.
Not even remotely.
“I would like to sign my rights of Axe Calvin Dorian, over to his father Calvin Dorian.” She looks at me and I see her eyes fill with tears and I am floored by her words and wanted to know what the hell she was doing.
“What’s your angle here Jenny?” I ask and get a glare from the Judge and Carl tells me to shut up.
“I am curious too; I must say this is a surprise considering the contract your lawyer has drawn up for full custody.”
I knew she would try for full custody, what I didn’t expect was this turnabout.
“Let’s be legit your Honor. If you have read anything they sent to you in defense of me being a bad mom, then you know I’m not worthy of Axe.” She is full on crying now and I hate the stab of compassion I feel. I should be glad she’s owning her shit and taking her medicine, but I can’t help but remind myself that she gave me Axe. She was a pure shit excuse as a mom, but without her I wouldn’t have him.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me Sir. I love him, I do. I am miserable without him but I am not a good mom and I am not built to be a mom. I can’t give Axe even an inch of what Cal can, and I am not talking money. It’s been six weeks since I dropped him off and when I got here today I saw him with Cal’s parents and he seemed like such a different person to me and he did that, not me. He took care of him and loved him and made sure he got the things he needed.”
She is full on sobbing now and Tay beside me has tears in her eyes. My jaw is lying somewhere on the table and the Judge is looking at her like she has lost two heads, while her lawyer keeps asking her to sit down and stop.
I realize in that moment none of us, not even Jenny, expected this.
“I am so sorry Cal.” She cries and looks at me. I feel like I should tell her it’s ok but I don’t because it’s not. I just hate when chicks cry. I feel awkward and out of my comfort zone because I suck at comfort unless it’s Tayla. Tay I’ll do anything for.
“So you have no proposals Miss Pope? You understand what a big decision this is right? The repercussions of signing your rights away means you have no rights to him. Ever. It is very hard to appeal this decision. Its one thing when the parent is suffering from mental problems or substance abuse, two things that you dont have. This would be a very hard thing to undo.” The Judge has basically told her whats done is done and she is nodding in agreement.
“That’s the thing your Honor. I don’t want to raise Axe. I have no desire to feel that obligation or pressure. I feel like the scum of the earth admitting that but I would rather be scum than hurt him, because I do love him Sir. Very much. I love him enough to for once not be selfish and give him what he needs and deserves.”
She reaches for the box of tissues and they are right in front of me making it a hard reach. I grab the box and hand them too her and our eyes meet and I see her truth. She loves him without question; she just doesn’t want the responsibility.
I nod to her and speak up; going with my gut and my heart a new notion I have been trying to live by. Logic has no place where love is concerned and I know that, I learned that the hard way.
“May I propose something you’re Honor?” I say and I don’t know if I should stand like Jenny did but she looks kind of crazy so I chose to stay seated.
He nods, “Go ahead Mr. Dorian.”
I squeeze Tay tighter and hope I am doing the right thing for Axe. What if it was open ended?”
“What?” Jenny says and she looks horrified, the Judge looks even more confused and I feel Tayla digging her nails into my hand, but I keep going and blow all logic away.
“What if I took the rights as his father and am the custodial parent, but allow visitation with Jenny, supervised?”
I feel Tayla loosen her grip and it’s in that moment
I know I made the right choice.
Jenny looks hopeful and more tears stream down her cheeks. “You’d let me stick around to see him?” She asks and there is so much hope in her response.
I look at her and then the Judge. “If it’s at all possible I think that would work great Sir. I don’t think it’s fair that Axe no longer sees her. I know and I am the first to agree you were a shit mom Jenny, there’s no denying that I’m sorry.”
The judge interrupts in a stern tone, “Language Mr. Dorian.”
I nod, “I’m sorry your Honor. I do think though that both Jenny and Axe can benefit from a relationship. My fiancé and I are hoping that she can adopt him once we are married and she is amazing with Axe, I just think that as he grows older he will want to know Jenny and he will have questions and I never want him thinking he isn’t wanted. I think that if Jenny can establish a relationship that’s positive they both can only benefit from it.”
“Fiancé?” Jenny asks and looks to Tayla with a smile that isn’t even remotely vindictive, but sad. “I am so sorry for that day in the mall.” Jenny says and the Judge interrupts.
“Are you his fiancé, uh Miss?” He says and his eyes are on Tayla, who looks shell shocked by my calling her fiancé, but really that’s where this is headed and fast.
“Tayla Livingston your Honor.” She says without a note of shock on her pretty face. I know she is tripping the fuck out on the inside, but this is my cut-throat Tayla.
“How do you feel about Mr. Dorian’s decision?” The Judge asks Tayla.
“I don’t see how my feelings on the matter should be of concern.” I almost laugh at how bitchy she can be.
“Well, if you’re planning to adopt the child don’t you think you have a say in his biological mother being involved?”
“I think that he is very loving your Honor. I don’t see how Jenny being involved can hurt as long as she knows her place and keeps it.” She looks to Jenny then and gives that evil glare she gives to all the fangirls. “I won’t let you hurt him Jenny. If you want to be a part of Axe’s life then you need to commit to that even if it is one day a week for three hours, you commit to it. He has the right to know you and love you but he doesn’t deserve to be your yoyo. I think that we can draw up the papers and meet back here in a few weeks after a trial run because I don’t trust you to not bail on him again. So I vote for a trial period, one where Cal and I can observe her with him and she can get a feel for being in his life in a different roll. I am warning you though Jenny, you fuck up once and I will do everything in my power to keep him safe from you.”
Spoken like a true momma bear I could have married her right fucking there if the Judge wasn’t freaking out about Tay dropping the F bomb.
“I can do that.” She says with a big smile.
“Okay well we will reconvene in three weeks and by then we will have a decision.” He slams his mallet releasing us from the hearing and I turn to Tayla and pull her into me tight kissing her neck as I whisper a thank you against her pretty skin.
“Cal?” Jenny says from behind me and I keep Tayla close as I look at her.
“I am so sorry Cal.” She says and more tears fall. I realize then that Jenny has no family waiting for her beyond this room and no friends either. All she has is Axe and I and Tay are part of that package deal.
I pull Jenny in for half a hug as my other arm is firmly wrapped around my girl. “We are gonna be okay Jenny.” I say and look at Tay hoping she knows that this is strictly platonic. Seeing her sweet supportive smile settles my nerves.
“C’mon Jenny,” I say and let her go as I point at the door. “Let’s go see our son.”
Tayla
We drive in an awkward silence to Cal’s house. It isn’t awkward because of the deal with Jenny, shocking as that was; it is exactly how things should be. No, what was making this awkward was how, without any notice or discussion on my part, Cal told the Judge that I was his fiancée and I wanted to adopt Axe. Both are things I want. I want my life with Cal as his wife and without any doubt or question I have every intention of adopting my son, because he is mine. I am with him almost every free minute I have and I do all the mom stuff, but it’s the love I have for him that makes him mine. Biology doesn’t have shit on the love I have for him.
What bothers me about this whole thing is that this is the typical Cal. There is no emotion or love in how he claims to marry me and make me a mother. It’s like with everything he does he forces it until it works, it’s who he is and will always be. I just assumed, foolishly mind you, that when he called me his fiancé one day it would be after a proposal, not in a way that would up his chances with the Judge. And honestly, even if I am a diva about it, it hurt my feelings.
So as we drive to his house I contemplate what happened and try to rationalize it. All that matters is we got Axe and that Cal recognizes me as more than he ever has. He openly said I was going to be his forever and claimed me a mom in his eyes. That is what matters... and yet it hurts how it was handled.
By the time we get to his house I have worked myself up into anger and all I want is to get out of his Jeep and get in my car to leave. I need space and time to think before I fully over react and ruin everything.
I get out of the Jeep the minute he stops, knowing he will need to get Axe out and I can bail out to think. Right as I get to my Rover I hear Cal calling my name and feel him grab my hips from behind stopping me just as I get the door open.
“Stop God damn it!” He yells and I spin on him.
“I need to get out of here for a while. I am so mad at you right now and I need to process it before we talk.” I try to be calm but my voice is shaking and I yank away from him but he just grabs me again.
“Talk to me now Tay. Don’t run babe. Is it because of Jenny? I want to do what’s best for Axe babe; I thought we were on the same page with that.”
He sounds scared and nervous as well as confused and it sets me off more. “You would think that. I don’t give a shit about Jenny and I am certainly not threatened by her. We both know Axe is mine by love and she won’t compare.”
Now he seems more confused and I see the spark of anger in his eyes. “Then what? Jesus, we just won Tayla. We won!”
“You used me to gain leverage with that Judge Cal. You told him I am your fiancé and you did it to gain points.”
All the confusion dissipates and now he is mad. “Are you fucking serious? Please tell me you aren’t for real right now before I completely lose my shit Tayla.”
“Yes I am fucking serious!” I yell and yank free of him again but this time he didn’t try to grab me.
“How in the fuck is it me gaining leverage by telling the Judge we plan to get married and file for adoption for you to be his mom?” I watch as he rubs his face and his hands are trembling. “If that isn’t what you want you better tell me now then because I won’t put him through that. He loves you Tayla, on his own he calls you mama and you act now like we aren’t planning forever and accuse me of gaining cred from a judge when everyone knows I am where Axe belongs. You want out you better pack your shit now baby.”
His voice is so collected and calm I know that the storm is raging inside. It’s like this that he is his most angry and scary.
“How dare you accuse me of wanting to run? All I said was I needed to cool off and think and look at you rushing to be single again.” It was a low blow, I know it was but I was trying to make him feel as shitty as he made me feel.
“How dare you accuse me of wanting to be single? Jesus Tayla, I have bent in half proving myself to you, at sometimes it was agonizing being forced to see my life without you in it, but I stayed and I pushed and fought for you, so no, this isn’t about me wanting the bachelor life. You go I won’t be out looking for a replacement because there isn’t one for us.”
“Cal...” I sigh and my anger diminishes at his words and I feel the tears form in my eyes. “Why take that from me then?” I say and I prove with that one question what a brat and di
va I am.
“Take what baby? I thought we were getting everything. What did I take away?” He still sounds mad and back to confused and I feel like shit for this epic overreaction.
“Why take a proposal from me?” I cry and cover my face, ashamed that I am even upset by it but can’t deny that I am. “I don’t want to be the couple that gets married because it’s the next logical step. I don’t want to tell our kids that we decided to get married when we were in court. I don’t need hearts and flowers but I want more than an agreement. You robbed me of that Cal.”
He says nothing as he pulls me against his chest and hugs me and I don’t fight, I just let him hold me because I need it.
“Tay, we will get married. I look at you and I see my bride. It was just me saying what I believe today and nothing more.” He pulls back and tips my chin up so I look at him, using his thumbs to swipe my tears. “I know that right now we come second to Axe and that sucks baby. If I could I would go back to that first night together and I would never have handled things the way I did but anyway I look at it in ways I’d have changed things it takes him from me. So now I try to make you both feel like the most important thing to me because you are. I will propose to you baby. It’s just a matter of when, but you are mine Tay and that is all I was trying to tell that Judge. We are in this full throttle together and I want him to know that.”
I only cry harder and burry my face against his chest. “I’m so sorry.” I say and feel him rub my back. “I do want that, and now I feel like I took it away from us both by making you tell me.”
He laughs at that and kisses my head. “So high maintenance baby.”
Release Me Page 13