“I had no idea Sam. I am so sorry.” I try to level my voice as I look him in the eye fully understanding the sadness that is ever present there.
“I don’t like to talk about it too much, but if it helps you see that right or wrong you are there for him in the trenches then I can share my knowledge and maybe help.” He is so nonchalant in his tone that I know he is done talking and I will never push him on it.
Noah breaks the moment by handing me his phone and I can see on the screen he is calling Cal. “You need to talk to your man T.”
He walks away toward his booth and leaves me standing there. I look at the phone when I hear Cal answer. “Hey baby.” I say and the silence I am greeted with confuses me. “Cal.”
“I’m here. I’m guessing Noah forced this call so do your thing, I am done chasing you.” He hangs up and I look at the phone in shock before going to Noah.
“How bad is this on a scale from one to ten?” I ask and take a seat in the chair by his drawing desk.
“Scale of one to ten, oh I’d say about an eight.” Noah says and starts freehand drawing a hard candy on my foot.
“Why?” I ask exhausted by this entire day and it’s only five PM.
“You need to talk to him, but my suggestion is tread really fucking carefully on this one.” Noah says and leans back to look between my fingers at the lettering he just drew. “What do you think?” He asks me.
I look at the script as it reads from left to right, “The gaps between my fingers are meant for your fingers my love.” Tears come to my eyes as I see this beautiful promise that I am giving Cal, feeling awful for my behavior today. “I love it Noah, its perfect.”
He nods and starts setting up. I move to the tattoo chair and watch his methodical movements as he sets up. “How are you doing?” I ask and I am so careful with him because I don’t want to hurt him.
“Same as I am every day. Mad as hell, sad as hell, and horny.” He winks but I know he doesn’t feel as light as he sounds.
“You know I spoke with the label and they have services available that can help with the depression and anger.” In a career as publically recognized like Noah’s, it’s hard to find help that is truly confidential.
“You think I am gonna let a shrink anywhere near my mind?” He asks with sarcastic laughter. “These trap doors are sealed fucking tight T. They won’t ever be opened.” The trap doors he is referring too are the memories in his mind of the father who beat him to a bloody pulp and the reminders of a sister he was forced to see raped. As if those weren’t enough to make him a little insane, now he has the memories of the one woman he loved and trusted and the reminder she is gone forever.
Cal
It was after nine by the time Tayla walked in the door. I had put Axe to bed after his dinner and bath and so I went to my studio to play some tunes and clear my mind. I might not have the ability to be a lyricist, but I can write music.
“Hey babe.” Tayla says from the door. I have paused my strumming to write the notes down on the sheet music on the table beside me.
“Hey beautiful.” I look up and see her in her business woman get up. I love every side to this woman; even the stubborn brat that wants to run away from me, but to see her in her element it has always done something to me. Most of her tats are covered and she is so muted from the relaxed girlfriend of a rock star. Knowing what a little sprite was underneath all the business made me hard. Every. Fucking. Time. “Let’s see the tat.” I ask knowing she was getting something special for me this round.
She watches me with a little confusion but slips her tattooed hand into mine. It takes me a minute but then I see it. In black ink along the inside of her fingers is the very fucking definition of our love. I smile seeing it, smile seeing all of Tays beautiful ink. “Come here babe.”
She comes to me softly without any pause. She knows I am disappointed in how she ran again but I can’t let her think for one minute she isn’t wanted. “I am so sorry for running out. Lunch was awful and then to see the excitement on your face knowing Noah was back for the time being...” She doesn’t finish, she shakes her head and nuzzles into my neck.
“I am never going to hurt you again Tay, not intentionally.” I say the words I have been stressing for months now. I say them because that is why she is running. She loves me I know she does, but she doesn’t believe in me and that sucks.
“I know Cal.” She sounds so small and I hold her closer.
“Then stop running away baby, I am not ever gonna let you go Tayla. You know that right?” I hang on the precipice waiting for her to tell me she knows and she will stop running.
“I hate letting you see me when I am stressed Cal. I am so scared that my weakness in some things will make you second guess me or the value I hold in your eyes.”
Jesus I wanted to throw up. I have never been disgusted by myself in the sense I was this instant. I cup her face in my hands and force her to look at me. "You need to have faith in me baby. If you think for one minute that I could stand back and let you leave, whether or not I have the ability to change your mind I would still not let you leave without begging you to stay. I need to be your best friend Tayla. I need to know all of the little things that aggravate you or be the shoulder you lean on. I don’t expect you to bag out on the girls or the guys for that matter.” I pause and kiss her lips soft, slow... I want no question or fear in her eyes. “Run whenever you feel like you need to run babe, but run to me not from me. I am here, unwavering and on your side no matter what Tayla. I will follow you to the ends of this earth if you ask it of me, just run to me baby.”
I watch as I speak, her violet eyes fill with tears and when she blinks and they fall just so I could catch them with my thumbs. “I will Cal.” She cries and holds me as I kiss along her neck, my arms an unbreakable force that will tether her to me. “I love you.” She says against my chest and I am overwhelmed with love, though I don’t think that it could define what she means to me.
Tayla
We are lying in bed, tangled in the sheets and naked. After all the things we have done to one another, I don’t think I have ever felt the freedom, the joy, which I feel now that I have agreed to trust him and let the fear go.
I am rubbing along his happy trail in hopes to get him going for a round two when my phone rings. “Oh no way baby. Ignore it.” Cal says right as his fingers slip inside of me. I look at my phone, my back arching as he curls his fingers inside of me at just the right angle.
I look at the screen because in my line of business I have no choice but to be connected to my job at any minute of any day. That doesn’t mean I answer every time it rings, but it will tell me if I need to stop to call back or let it go until we are done. When I see that it was Jenny I grab Cal’s arm and stop his amazing fingers to stop him.
“Babe it was Jenny.” I say but he makes no move to stop as he shakes my arm free and bends to lick me.
“So?” He says while lazily lapping at my clit making it extremely hard for me to remember why I care exactly.
“Oh, God...” I groan and bite my lip. “Mmmm, babe she never calls my phone.” I yelp as I say phone when he slaps the side of my ass with the palm of his hand.
“So?” He says again and slips his fingers back inside of me. Just as I am about to forget about the call, she calls again.
“Cal, c’mon.” I say and pull back from him. I can see he is frustrated by my stopping him and I am fucking pissed that Jenny tends to always get into trouble and calling me at fucking midnight? It can only spell trouble.
“Babe, Jenny needs her boundaries. She knows when she can call, she knows when she can see Axe and more importantly she has my personal cell number that is the emergency number. If there was a problem it’s that phone she would call. She’s probably out drinking and partying and drunk dialing you.”
“Why the hell would she drunk dial me?” I ask and he looks at me, still perched between my thighs before he sighs and crawls from the bed. I hate that this is going t
o ruin round two but I hate more that he is now irritated by me.
He is slipping his gray Nike muscle tank over his head when he looks at me incredulously. “Babe, really?”
“Yes really.” I say and decide to gather my panties and slip them on before snaking one of Cal’s tee-shirts from the dresser drawer.
“Because.” He says and slowly walks toward me. The swagger on this man is enough to make me come. “You care about her getting what she wants. You want her to be a part of this for Axe but for her too. She knows that you are on her side if she keeps doing well. That can be some heady shit I bet considering she doesn’t have anyone.”
I feel my heart melt at his words because it justifies everything I have been through today. All thoughts vanish though when the tune to ‘Take me to church’ plays from Cal’s phone on the nightstand. “Hello?” Cal says immediately. I watch his facial expressions as he goes from questioning to worry in a blink. “Noah did what? I can barely hear you Jenny.” He is throwing his basketball shorts on and tossing his socks on the bed as he listens and hangs on every word. I am dressing as fast as I can, terrified that something bad happened to my friend. “Give me twenty. I am gonna grab Shame and we will be there.”
By the time he was off the phone Cal was literally running out the door with a fast kiss goodbye. I knew as he drove off that the man I love is about to step right on in to Noah’s nightmare.
You don’t need to bother
I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I won’t let go’ til it bleeds
Chapter Eighteen
Cal
The minute I answered the phone I was taken back by the fear in Jenny’s voice and I keep replaying the conversation in my head in hopes I’ll figure his stupid ass out.
“Ohmygod Cal!” Jenny shrieked into the phone the minute I answered. “Thank god you answered, I have tried calling Tayla and your business cell and you weren’t answering. Noah just got his ass kicked by three huge biker looking guys. He is bleeding and completely wasted. The only person he will talk to is Jonesy but she is about as flighty as a piece of paper.”
“Noah did what?” I asked in shock as I started getting ready to bail.
“I didn’t know who to call Cal. I didn’t think the cops would be the best bet considering everything he’s been through this year.”
After telling her to sit tight and wait for us I shot Shame a quick text to get dressed and that Noah was in trouble. Shame has become the Noah whisperer. The two of them have some unspoken deal between them that places Shame in the awful position of being the crutch Noah leans on. As I pull into Sass and Shames house I see Sam’s bad ass 57' Chevy in the driveway and I cringe. Poor bastard has been nothing but nice to me, but knowing he has touched and kissed my Tay makes me hate that fucker on principal.
I get ready to shoot him a text that I am here but I see him and Sam both coming toward my Jeep. “What the fuck now?” Shame asks as he clicks his seatbelt and Sam does the same from the back. I turn the radio down, TOOL’s Jambi fades away into a whisper as I fill them in on Jenny’s call.
“I am at a loss man. I don’t know anymore. He seems fine one day then the next he is like a ghost that doesn’t resurface for a week.” Shame is scrubbing his face and I feel bad for the dude. He takes the brunt of Noah’s pain and BS to keep the peace for us all but mainly for Carrie because she is just fucking sad these days. Her sadness affects Chad and that affects us because he isn’t as invested in TAT as he was before Candey died. Noah is a fucking wrecking ball to this band and family
I am trying to figure out how to handle this entire situation because I have hit the fucking end with his shit.
“You need to call Chad and have him meet us here.” To even think about the next move I am going to make has me scrubbing my face in disbelief. “See if Cassa can head to my house to stay with Axe. I need to get Tay here for this.”
I am texting Tayla as I speak telling her to meet me at Skin when both Sam and Shame say simultaneously. “What are you planning?”
“We need to try to get him to see reason. You guys don’t know this yet because it was a surprise to us from Noah and Tay, but Noah signed back on this afternoon.”
“What the fuck?” Shame asks in disbelief. I glance at Sam in the rearview mirror and he looks as if this was expected but not supportive. I got to be honest I am not too supportive of that idea myself.
“Tay was going to have everyone over at the house tonight for the big reveal but after the drama with the girls she threw the papers on the counter and left to drive and clear her mind.” I say and flick my turn signal on as I turn onto the freeway heading to Tacoma where Skin is located.
“About that fight bro, Cassa has been having a hard time with seeing all the kids’ man. It’s killing her and when she got home tonight she broke down and told me what happened. If it’s any consolation, she intends to right that with Tay ASAP.” Shame was one of the best dudes I knew. We guys didn’t get involved in the chick drama when it happened. Knowing he was man enough to speak up in this particular instance showed what a truly bad ass guy he was.
“Tay knows that dude.” Sam says from the backseat and Shame and I both look up to the mirror. “She’s not tripping out thinking they are all bitches. I just think she is trying to understand it all and figure out her place in this whole thing. I know Jenny is a pain in the ass and I sure as fuck won’t nominate her for mom of the year, but Tay had her figured out in three minutes once she talked to her and she isn’t all bad. Awful mom and that’s undeniable, but she does have true love for Axe, she just has a better outlet for it now in a way she can handle it.”
“Yeah...” I say feeling like a complete tool for having not known all that prior to tonight. I can’t deny it bothers the fuck out of me though that he knows the problem, just like Noah, long before I did. All I can do is hope that Tay will start running to me now.
We get to Skin and all take a deep breath before making our way inside. Tay sent me a text about ten minutes ago telling me she was coming with Chad. “Let’s not make a big production out of it until they get here. Just chill and have a beer.” I say as we step through the door, our ears bleeding from Porn Star Dancing as it blares from the sound system.
We spot Noah immediately sitting at the front of the stage throwing money to the dancer before him. Sam looks at Shame and I with a Cheshire grin. “When in Rome boys.”
We follow.... I mean c’mon, we are guys and this is free tits and ass. There is no denying how hot it is watching a woman dance out a fantasy, its damn near religious. I know that there are guys who won’t admit the love of a little T&A as well as the guys that claim to hate it. I call bullshit on that. This is guy heaven and you can look all you want. I might have changed my bachelor ways, but there are some things you can’t take from me, and worshiping the view of the female form is one of them.
Fucking sue me.
What we weren’t prepared to see was Noah, hunched forward bleeding like a fresh kill and bruised like he went around with TYSON. Jenny was sitting beside him her hand on his shoulder. Shame went ramrod stiff at the sight and started looking around the club to see how many people knew what was really going on and if they knew who it was slumped forward at the stage. I look to Sam who seems to read my mind as we come in on Noah from each side of him, Jenny backing away immediately. Shame is at our backs watching for any sign of trouble.
“We need a private room Jen.” I say and then on the count of three Sam and I hunch a barely breathing Noah on our arms and follow Jenny to a VIP suite. Once we have him situated on the couch I go to get my wallet but Shame is on it. “Here’s my card, book this room for the night. Call the number on that business card and tell Drake we need security here stat. Do not let anyone in here accept Tay and Chad. Security will show you there ID as well as say the word green. If anyone doesn’t know that word they don’t get in here feel me?”
Jen
ny nods and rushes from the room. “Shame I need a smoke.” Noah slurs through a drunken high haze but also with swollen bleeding lips.
“You can’t smoke in here my man.” Shame says and Noah groans kicking the table in front of him. Sam hands him a smoke though and lights it before looking at Shame with a mellow relaxed look. “Dude the fact he wants a smoke is the least of anyone’s problem right now.”
I want to hate Sam, but he is so fucking cool and it irritates the fuck out of me. More even when Shame and I both nod in agreement.
“Why are you here Cal?” Noah asks and looks at me with that toxic knowing look. I have never seen Noah in a state of absolute rock bottom like I am now. It makes me cringe in disgust. Noah was once a pretty fun loving guy, fun loving for Noah anyway. He loved the pussy parties and the music or the ass he would pull from tattooing. Seeing him as he is now is point proof that when you lose a good woman she takes the world you lived in with her.
“Because dude, you have had a hell of a night and by the looks of things you need to get to a hospital.” I am trying to figure out what area is bleeding the heaviest and what spots on his body may be broken, other than his nose.
“Fuck that. I am fine and feeling free man.” Noah says and I see the zoned out, not a care in the world look in his eyes and I snap.
I don’t just snap I completely come un-fucking-hinged at the complete lack of conscience he has. He doesn’t give a fuck we are here, or that our women are at home worried and waiting. He doesn’t give a shit about any of it. I swoop forward and gather his shirt at the neck and haul him off his ass spinning until I have his back slammed against the wall. “I am so fucking tired of your ass Noah. You’re about as pathetic as all the junkies out there. That’s all you are anymore. A sad, pathetic pity party of bullshit and I am fucking sick of it!” To make my point I slam him against the wall again in hopes that I can physically make him snap the fuck out of it.
Release Me Page 15