by RobertAsprin
“Well, sir, I was informed that there had been an altercation between a member of my company and what seemed to be a previously unknown alien race. After first taking measures to ensure the immediate safety of the miners we were contracted to protect, I established contact with the commander of that alien force to determine whether or not they constituted a threat to the settlement or the Alliance as a whole. In that conversation, it was discovered that the alien presence was due to equipment failure on their part rather than any premeditated plan or attack, and that the altercation had been caused by nervousness and ignorance on both sides. Apologies were extended and accepted.”
“And …” the general prompted after several moments’ silence had passed.
“That was the total extent of my official exchange with the Zenobians, sir, which I believe is well within the guidelines set down for a Legion officer.”
“What about the agreement to trade swampland for weapons, Captain?”
Phule’s expression was guileless.
“I did serve as a combination middleman and agent in such an agreement, sir. But that was at a later time while I was off duty. What is more, that agreement was a business deal between two individuals … specifically, Flight Leftenant Qual of the Zenobian Exploratory Forces and my father. To the best of my knowledge, and I was involved in all exchanges surrounding that agreement, at no time was it stated or implied that the deal committed or involved either the Alliance as a whole or the Zenobian Empire. As I said, it was simply a trade arrangement between two individuals, and my own part in the matter was permissible under Article—”
“We know the article in question, Captain,” Battleax interrupted, fighting a smile. “It’s referenced frequently in your file.”
General Blitzkrieg was shaking his head in amazement and confusion.
“Is it legal? Doing business with an alien race outside the Alliance, I mean.”
“To the best of my knowledge,” the captain answered smoothly, “there is no law specifically forbidding such an arrangement. If we were at war with the Zenobians, it might be a different matter, but I don’t believe there are any provisos for dealings with intelligent aliens that are not either in the Alliance or actively at war with us.”
He paused to smile at the reviewing officers.
“I imagine the tax boys might try to find some basis to challenge the deal, but I suggest we leave that to the battery of lawyers Phule-Proof Munitions employs for just such disputes. Repeating my initial assertion, I see no reason why such a question of legality, if it arises at all, should involve the Space Legion … or, specifically, me or my command.”
* * *
After the brief media conference where it was announced that Captain Jester of the Space Legion had not only been cleared of any charges of misconduct but decorated for his handling of the Zenobian episode, that notable retired to the nearest bar, which happened to be in the spaceport, for a quiet drink.
“I’ll tell you, Beeker, that’s a load off my mind. For a while I thought they were going to shoot me just out of general principles.”
“It’s good to see you vindicated, sir … if I may say so,” the butler agreed, raising his own glass in a small toast.
“The company showing up like that didn’t hurt at all,” the commander mused. “How did they react when the company portfolio profits were announced?”
“I don’t believe the announcement has been made yet, sir. The lieutenants seemed a bit preoccupied with the preparations for today’s demonstration when I passed the information to them.”
“Good,” Phule said. “I’ll tell them myself. I wonder how they’ll take to being suddenly wealthy?”
“I’ve been meaning to ask for some time, sir. Is what you’re doing with the portfolio aboveboard … legally and ethically?”
“What do you mean, Beek?”
“Well, it seems to me that buying stocks in corporations where you are a majority stockholder, particularly just before mergers or new product developments are announced, might be viewed by some as ‘insider information.’”
“Nonsense.” Phule smiled easily. “Coincidences will happen … and besides, if I don’t have enough faith in my own ventures to invest in them, how can I expect anyone else to?”
“If you say so, sir.”
“How about dinner tonight, Beeker? Truth to tell, I’m a little tired of looking at Legionnaire uniforms today.”
“I’m sorry, sir. I already have a dinner date.”
“Oh?” The commander raised an inquiring eyebrow.
“The court recorder,” his butler said in explanation.
“Really? I wouldn’t have guessed she was your type.”
Beeker sighed. “Normally she wouldn’t be. The conversation did, however, keep her occupied until after the company arrived for its demonstration.”
“I guess it did at that,” Phule said. “Tell you what, Beek. Go ahead and put the dinner on my account.”
“Very good, sir.”
* * *
Aboard the shuttlecraft, Colonel Battleax was embroiled in a conversation of an entirely different nature.
“I tell you, General, he’s completely turned the Omega Company around. You saw how they rallied when they thought he was in trouble. What’s more, the media loves him. As far as they’re concerned, the original reports were correct: He’s heading up the Space Legion’s crack outfit. Now, you and I may know different, but I think we should capitalize on that publicity. They’re wasted on this swamp guard contract.”
“Oh, I fully intend to reassign them, Colonel,” the general said. “There are a few situations on my desk I’d like to try them out on. We’ll find out once and for all exactly how good these ‘elite troubleshooters’ really are … or aren’t.”
His smile was devoid of any warmth.
About the Author
Robert Lynn Asprin was an American science fiction and fantasy author, best known for his MythAdventures and Phule’s Company series. As an active fan of the genres, he was a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, a co-founder of the Great Dark Horde, and founder of the Dorsai Irregulars. He was nominated for the Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation for the Capture in 1976.
Asprin died in 2008 at the age of 61 having published over fifty novels and several short stories.
If You Liked …
If you liked Phule’s Company, you might also enjoy:
Phule’s Paradise
Robert Asprin
Strong Arm Tactics
Jody Lynn Nye
Fifth Foreign Legion #1: March or Die
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Other WordFire Press Titles by Robert Asprin
Phule’s Paradise
A Phule and his Money
Phule Me Twice
No Phule Like an Old Phule
Phule’s Errand
Our list of other WordFire Press authors and titles is always growing. To find out more and to see our selection of titles, visit us at:
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