Shattered Emotions (Redwood Pack)

by Ryan, Carrie Ann

  It might be selfish of him, but he couldn’t wait, even with the danger involved.

  He needed to breathe again, something he hadn’t done in too long.

  His family would find the traitor and keep the Pack safe. He’d be with the two who meant the most to him and could thereby hurt him the most, but he’d keep them safe.

  Something he’d been doing his whole life.

  Ellie sat on her small porch, a backpack as full as his own by her side. Jeans encased her long, athletic legs, and she wore a jacket over a sweater. He knew she probably had more layers underneath, same as he. They had no idea how long they’d be gone, but he hoped it wouldn’t be that long.

  At the sound of his footsteps, her head rose, and her gaze met his. He stopped where he was and looked into those dark brown eyes, hating himself for being weak. Her long black hair framed her face and trailed behind her shoulders, down her back. He’d dreamed of wrapping his hand around it as he mated her for the first time and the many times after.

  Maddox closed his eyes, breaking their contact, and cursed himself.

  Though his father had wanted them to deal with their issues, that didn’t give him the right to think about her naked, her full breasts molded against his chest as he pumped in and out of her, feeling the walls of her pussy clenching around his cock as she moaned his name when she climaxed. He could imagine himself sinking his teeth into the fleshy part of her neck where it met her shoulder, marking her as his for all the world to see.

  Shit.

  “Maddox?”

  Ellie’s voice broke him from his thoughts, and he held back a groan. Great, they were about to embark on a journey in which he’d be their only protection against the Centrals with a woman who was his brother’s soon-to-be-mate, and here he was, imagining her naked and beneath him, pleading his name while he marked her for life.

  He should have been better than this, but he really wasn’t.

  “Do you have everything?” he asked, his voice gruffer than he’d intended.

  She nodded and picked up her bag. “I don’t have much to begin with, but I have enough.”

  “Good, we better get going.”

  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw North come up to them, his bag over one shoulder, a frown on his face, his unscarred face.

  Sometimes it was odd to look into his brother’s face. He’d once possessed a mirror image of North’s. Now, he saw what he could have been, but he had to deal with what was.

  “I’m ready, as well,” North said as he came to Ellie’s side, too close for Maddox’s comfort, but then again, he had no choice in the matter.

  Like his father wanted, soon they’d be able to come clean with what North and Ellie could be, and Maddox would finally be free.

  Alone, but free.

  Maddox nodded and started down the path toward the forest that would, eventually, lead them through the den wards, and they’d leave the comfort and safety of all he’d ever known. He didn’t speak as Ellie and North followed him. He didn’t even look behind him to see if they were holding on to each other or standing too close.

  Frankly, he didn’t even know if he could take it, though it was his own fault to begin with.

  They passed through the wards with ease, the magic sliding over him like a warm blanket. If he’d been of another Pack, they would have stopped him with a painful arch unless he’d been welcomed in by a Pack member. If he’d been human, then the wards would have magically forced him to look the other way.

  It was how the wolves had remained secret for so long. They’d settled in the west long before the white human had. The Redwoods had hidden themselves among the trees within the den so only a select few could find them. As the Europeans settled out west, the Redwoods gradually came out of hiding, though never revealing their true nature. When they weren’t in war, they melded with the humans, working, living, and breathing among them. With the war with the Centrals in full force, their Pack was in seclusion, remaining as safe as they could be under the wards.

  However, the events of that morning had just shined a light on the fact that they weren’t safe—they wouldn’t be until Caym and Corbin were defeated. Unless the Redwoods found a way to use dark magic and fight against the demon, Maddox wasn’t sure how they would win.

  They would though.

  They had to.

  “Mad?” North asked, drawing him out of his thoughts.

  Maddox stopped behind a large tree, keeping his senses open so he could scout any danger. They weren’t inside the Pack walls anymore, meaning the Centrals could attack at any moment.

  “Yeah?”

  “Do we have a plan?” his brother asked as he walked to Maddox’s side, Ellie on his heels.

  Maddox snorted. “Really? You’re just now asking me that?”

  North shrugged and scratched the back of his neck. “I figured you did since you usually do. Plus Dad kind of blindsided me with all of this, so I wasn’t thinking.”

  “Clearly,” Maddox mumbled, and North rolled his eyes.

  For a moment, it was as if they were pups again, friends, brothers, and two halves of a whole. Then Maddox’s gaze shifted to Ellie, and he let that thought float away on the wind like it should.

  It wasn’t the same, and it never would be, but Maddox would be damned if he lived his life in a daze because of it.

  “I was planning on heading east toward the cabin we used to hang out at as kids when mom and dad took us on trips then reevaluate.” Before the Centrals had gone crazy, the Redwoods had been able to live outside the den and visit others often. “We don’t have to be anywhere other than not at the den. We have our phones in case of an emergency and we have to go back and so we know when we can go back.”

  Ellie closed her eyes as her shoulders sank. “I’m sorry you two had to come out here and deal with this.”

  Maddox fought the urge to pull her into his arms and tell her everything would be okay. All he wanted to do was inhale her scent and let it settle him, but North beat him to the punch, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and squeezing.

  “Hey, this isn’t your fault,” North said. “It’s your brother’s and a traitor’s.”

  Ellie shook her head. “If it was just that, then I wouldn’t be out here, and you both know that.”

  Maddox growled softly. “Just because there are ignorant people out there doesn’t mean you have to feel bad about yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong, and those closest to you know that.” He inwardly winced at his choice of words, considering all he wanted to do was be as close to her as possible, yet he needed the distance.

  Ellie groaned. “I hate that it’s putting pressure on your family though. The Pack is questioning the Alpha, and I don’t think you guys have done that before.”

  North snorted. “They can question all they want, but they will obey. Our father will listen to their concerns but will do what’s best for the Pack, and that means welcoming you in.”

  “That’s not how I’m used to Packs running,” Ellie said, that hint of darkness Maddox hated seeping in her words.

  Maddox wanted to find Corbin and kill him—slowly. He didn’t know exactly what the bastard had done to Ellie, but he knew it had been beyond horrific. He’d seen the scars on her back and legs when they went on hunts, and he knew the worst scars were probably not the ones seen.

  “The Redwoods are your Pack now, so we’ll show you how a pack should be run,” North said, and he ran a hand down her arm.

  Maddox’s gaze followed its trail, and he bit back a growl. Ellie wasn’t his by his own choice. He shouldn’t feel jealous. He should feel at peace that his twin had found his mate and that the one woman whom Maddox wanted to be happy would be happy.

  Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find that peace.

  North cleared his throat and released Ellie. Maddox did his best not to be relieved and failed. “Let’s get going. It’s going to take at least a day’s hike to get there, and we have to keep vigilant.”
<
br />   Maddox nodded and started to move, but Ellie put her hand on his arm, all but stopping him.

  Hell, she was so soft, so small.

  So not his.

  “Yes?” he asked, his voice a growl.

  “Why are you acting like this?” she asked, a bit of temper in her voice.

  He almost smiled at that. She was never angry, not really. She always kept her emotions hidden, as if that was how she’d been trained to act—and probably had been.

  “Acting like what?”

  “Acting gruff and jealous. I don’t understand, Maddox.”

  His name on her tongue made him want to groan. Damn, he needed to get off this dangerous path and send her to North’s open arms. His brother would know what to do.

  Wait…jealous? She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. No one could ever do that, not even North most days.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Ellie growled then threw her arms above her head. “You’re acting like you feel something for me when I know that’s not the case. Edward said we needed to deal with this, so why not say it now? You know we’re mates, or at least we could be. You’ve done nothing about it, Mad. You’ve all but told me I’m nothing to you and you don’t feel the mating urge like I do. You’ve done all you could to stay away from me, and when you’re near me, you growl or chase me to tell me what I’m doing wrong like you did at the triad’s mating ceremony.”

  He remembered stalking after her at the ceremony, but it hadn’t been to yell, but to protect. At least that’s what he’d thought.

  “I didn’t yell at you then,” he said lamely.

  “Really? Because I think you did.”

  “No, I was following you because of those guys who were taunting you.”

  Her eyes lowered, and she swallowed. “They weren’t saying anything I’m not used to.”

  Maddox resisted the urge to cup her chin and feel her soft skin. “You shouldn’t have to be used to it.”

  She backed up a step and shook her head. “No, it doesn’t matter. You can’t act like a big protector if you’re rejecting our mating. It’s not fair to me. I’m doing all I can to be normal and act like I deserve something, and you’re not helping.”

  He felt as if she’d slapped him. He’d never meant to make her feel like that. No, he’d done all he could to ensure she’d be safe without him, safe from his powers and the others.

  “Ellie, we can’t be mates.”

  She froze for a moment, the pain so clear on her face he didn’t need to feel her emotions to know he’d hurt her.

  “Fine, but when we’re not in the middle of the forest with the world crashing down around us, you will tell me why. I at least deserve that.”

  She turned on her heel and stalked toward North, who hadn’t moved as far as Maddox thought. His twin glared at him in disappointment, and his expression could have killed lesser wolves.

  Maddox took a deep breath before taking a step. He’d hurt her, something he hadn’t wanted to do, but it had to be done.

  He couldn’t be with her and not inflict her with constant pain. She deserved more than him, and North would provide that.

  They’d just have to live with that.

  Chapter 4

  The wind whipped through the trees and sent a shiver down Ellie’s spine. At least she thought it came from the wind, though it could have come from the tension in their little group. Between the brothers not looking at one another, her own emotions tangling with Maddox’s, and the whole Centrals-could-kill-them-at-any-moment thing, Ellie was about at her wit’s end.

  She couldn’t believe she’d finally stood up for herself. Yes, she’d always tried with Corbin and had succeeded for years, but over time, he’d beaten that out of her. She’d always tried to be the strong one for her twin and cousin, but she hadn’t been strong enough.

  Pain flared, clawing at her belly, and she took a deep breath through her nose, letting Maddox’s scent wash over her, soothing her in the process. He might not be her mate according to him—something that she was going to get to the bottom of—but her wolf needed him.

  She needed him.

  Ellie cursed at the thought because she needed to get away from that need, or at least try to erase it. She needed to find that strength that she’d once had. Sure, she’d saved Josh and showed Reed and Hannah the way out of the bunker where her brother had locked Josh, but it had been nothing. She could have done more…so much more.

  She should have done more.

  Instead, she’d had to sit back and watch her father and brother sacrifice her twin and cousin to bring Caym into the world.

  What kind of monster did that make her if she were the one left standing?

  It should have been her on that plank of wood, dying at the hands of her own brother or the demon who had come to destroy them all. Instead, it had been the two women who’d already broken long before.

  At least they weren’t in pain anymore.

  Her wolf nudged at her, and she started, remembering where she was. This was not the time to woolgather and have herself a pity party. No, she needed to follow these two men who meant to world to her—despite how much she didn’t want that to be the case. They were giving up their homes, albeit for a little while, and endangering their lives to protect her.

  They were also leaving their Pack in jeopardy to do so. Generally, Maddox was needed in the den often to handle the fragile balance between peace and strife within the Pack, but he was allowed to leave when necessary. Knowing him as she did—even from afar—she knew he didn’t leave often. They were his flock, his duty, and he wasn’t going to leave them for long.

  Hannah, as the Healer of the Pack, could take care of their needs and deal with any injures when North wasn’t there. Cailin too had trained a bit so she could help her brother. The Jamenson sister seemed to be the jack-of-all-trades and was still trying to find her footing. The girl was only in her twenties though so, really, she had all the time in the world.

  Well, of course, they’d have to beat the Centrals first to ensure that, but seeing what she’d seen of the Jamensons, Ellie thought they might actually have a chance. She’d seen, firsthand, the depravity of the Pack she’d grown up with and knew what they were capable of. She only hoped the Redwoods were ready.

  “What’s going through that head of yours, Ellie?” North asked as he pulled back to walk beside her. She saw the light stiffening in Maddox’s shoulders before he loosened them, not even turning back to see what was happening.

  Oh, they would be having that talk all right. There was no way she could live with herself not knowing why he didn’t want her. Sure, it would probably break her more than anything Corbin had done, but she deserved to know the truth.

  She needed to know why she wasn’t good enough for Maddox Jamenson.

  “Ellie?”

  North’s voice brought her out of her thoughts again, and she cursed. “Sorry, I’m just thinking about things that I shouldn’t be, considering I need to keep on my toes.”

  North stopped and gave her an odd look. “You know you can always tell me anything, right?”

  Ellie gave a sad smile. He’d always said that, and she believed him. Goddess, she wanted to be able to fall to her knees and weep in his arms, telling him everything that had happened so she could finally find a way to heal…but he wasn’t Maddox.

  “I know,” she whispered, her voice low. She’d already used up any backbone she had when she yelled at Maddox.

  She’d do better at that next time.

  North let out a long sigh. “But, you’re not going to, are you?”

  She looked into those green eyes that were so much like the rest of his family’s and shook her head. “I’m sorry, North.”

  North shrugged but didn’t touch her, thankfully. She didn’t like it when people touched her—other than Maddox. Yes, North occasionally did to lead her to places, but that was about as far as she could go.

  Her wolf was damaged and wanted her mate
.

  Something Ellie could agree with.

  “You two done talking?” Maddox asked, something almost painful in his tone.

  Ellie turned to look at him, an odd look on her face. North wasn’t her mate, didn’t Maddox know that?

  “Sorry to hold you up,” North bit off.

  Goddess, she hated being the person standing between them. As soon as they were in a safer place, they’d have to do what their Alpha had said and get it all out on the table. She wouldn’t be responsible for breaking the bond between twins.

  She’d already lost her own twin to evil. She wasn’t about to be responsible for the brothers’ loss, as well.

  North gave her one last look then headed off through the trees, leaving Ellie to follow them. Their enemies could come at them from any side, so it was no use putting her in the middle to protect the “little woman”. She might have been damaged and, frankly, scared to death of certain things, but she would fight if she had to—if only to protect the men so they wouldn’t have to protect her.

  The scent of rain lingered in the air, the pressure changing ever so slightly, indicating that a storm was on its way. She hoped they would be near shelter when that happened, though it would have been nice to know exactly where they were going. Maddox said he knew; therefore, she’d just have to trust him. While she trusted him with her life, she couldn’t trust him with her heart. He’d already stomped on it, and there was no reason to let it happen again.

  “Other than eternal happiness,” her wolf whispered.

  Ellie rolled her eyes. Oh, yes, that.

  She followed the brothers without speaking for another hour until they stopped for a water break. She knew they probably could have gone on longer, but they were stopping for her.

  Her nose wrinkled at that. She wasn’t the strongest wolf, not by far, but she’d been working on gaining her strength so she could fight with the best of them. That is, if she ever got over that mind-numbing fear. It’s not that she didn’t want to fight—it was just that every time she thought about fighting back she remembered how he liked her to fight back.