by Bella Baird
“I’m fine. If you’re busy, I won’t bother you,” her mom said unpersuasively.
“Are you sure? Did you want to talk about something?” Alice actually became worried about her mom for once.
“Um…uhh, would it be okay for me to visit you over the weekend. I’d really like to see you,” Karen stuttered.
“Sure, but is that going to be all right? You’ve never seen my apartment. It’s pretty cramped. I’m surprised I can stuff myself into it. You’d have to sleep on the couch or maybe a blowup mattress, too,” Alice warned.
“That’ll be okay. I have a mattress I can bring with me. I just…I really want to see you,” Karen sounded like she was about to tear up.
Alice got worried about the experience she would have with her mom this weekend. It’s not that she didn’t love her mother, but Karen’s behaviors toward her made it really hard to want quality time together. This exchange was completely unusual compared to the other times they’d talked since Alice moved to New York. Karen’s voice had an urgency to it she’d never heard before. In her opinion, her mom sounded like she was actually trying to be polite.
If only she’d been as respectful my entire life, we’d have a better relationship now.
“Great! Maybe I can show you around the city. We can go to the museum or just walk around and see the sights. Does that sound good?” Alice inquired.
“Mmm…uh, yeah. I guess we could do that,” she answered. “Thank you for taking the time to talk. It means a lot, after everything.”
“No problem, but what do you mean? You’ve sounded totally different tonight,” Alice prodded a little more.
“No, no. Don’t worry about me,” Karen chuckled nervously. “It’s just that I miss you.”
“All right. W…,” Alice started to say just as Daniel walk into the café. “Mom, I have to go now. I’ll call you tomorrow, so we can work out the details, okay?”
“Okay…,” her mom said, sounding disappointed. “I love you!”
Alice was taken by surprise and responded, “I love you, too, Mom. Bye!”
What was that all about? She’s never been like that. Did someone die? Is she waiting to tell me in person? Oh, please. No. I can’t deal with any more right now. It’s too much.
Regrettably, she couldn’t put any more thought into her mother. Daniel had just walked up and slid into the booth looking like he’d seen better days. Dark circles hung below his bloodshot eyes, and his hair stuck out in random spots. Apparently, the last few days challenged him just as much as they did Alice—if not worse. At least he didn’t exude any resentment this time. Daniel simply looked drained. Alice wished that she hadn’t been such a source of pain for him. She could only imagine how it felt for the person you loved to fall in love with someone else at the same time. Her stomach clenched, and she had to fight to keep her tears at bay.
“Hi,” she managed to say in a hushed tone.
“Hey,” Daniel said, not maintaining consistent eye contact.
“I think it’s better if you say what you need first. I’ll just listen until you’re done,” Alice began.
“Okay,” he stated flatly. “So I looked up Trent. Saw his pictures. Read his interviews. He’s really something. I can understand why anyone would admire him…or want to be with him. He’s successful, good-looking, smart, funny, stylish, and extremely wealthy. I wish I could compare to someone like him.”
“Are you serious? It’s not about material or superficial qualities! I’m not interested in money, style, or looks. Your success in art is just as important to me as any other kind of success, so don’t think that you know exactly why this happened. I don’t appreciate your suggestion that I’m after the next best thing, or whatever you’re trying to say,” she furiously reprimanded him. “I get it. I messed things up badly, but please don’t put words in my mouth or assume you know what my motives are—good or bad.”
“Point taken,” Daniel withdrew his former attitude. “He must have been very special to you for him to have this kind of impact on your life so many years later.”
“He was everything to me. We were only together for a little over a year, but in that time we got extremely close. We talked about everything together, or so I thought. I imagined we would be together for the rest of our lives. Then, things ended before I believed they were supposed to,” she revealed.
“When you put it like that, the way we’ve been to each other just sounds so ordinary and uninteresting. I’m not the kind of guy to make you a candlelight dinner or a bath with rose petals. I don’t travel to exotic places, and I’m not that great with words. I have a tendency to work a demanding schedule, stay home, and read a book or draw in my free time. I’m a pretty simple guy. If you’re searching for the ultimate romance, maybe I’m not who you’re looking for,” he said with a dry laugh.
“It’s not even the romance that makes love fascinating. It’s about not having to try hard at all to express your emotions or feel as strongly as you do. Being yourself at all times, talking about each person’s day and listening even if every day is almost the same. Waking up to morning kisses because you don’t care about bad breath, doing the dishes because you feel like it, picking up something at the store that reminds you of the other person. It’s all of that, none of which is very exciting in and of itself—but it can make a huge difference in your feelings toward someone,” Alice lectured. “Those aren’t things you can fabricate or try harder to do after the fact.”
“Then, is there something I haven’t mentioned that I’m missing? Something he has or does better?” he asked. “If you could tell me honestly, I’m sure I could fix it somehow. I could be better for you.”
“No, there’s nothing better or worse about either of you that swayed my feelings in one way or another. It was a question of the history that he and I had together. I didn’t feel that our story had really ended when it should have,” she said. “I’m sorry I’m not a better girlfriend. I never let you into my life as much as you deserved. You should have known about my parents and everything else in my past. Now that I look back on the way I was, I recognize that I put you at arm’s length the whole time,” she spoke remorsefully.
“I don’t care about that now. We can worry about it in the future. The fact that I’m here talking to you should say how I feel about you. I’ve already made up my mind. I love you. Obviously, I still want you in my life. It may have seemed like I was going to break up with you over this, but I was only angry because your confession overwhelmed me. I think you and I can still make it. We still have a chance to get past this mistake. If you wanted to be with me, I’d spend the rest of our days trying to prove that you picked the right one. Otherwise, we’ll both go our separate ways. It seems to me like you want to choose Trent. With your history and feelings for him still intact, I’m not sure I can compete with what you had back then,” he said, shifting in his seat and fidgeting the entire time.
It was clear to Alice how difficult it was for Daniel to meet her to profess his love and talk about her recent errors. His conduct didn’t represent someone giving up hope. No, he was fighting with all of his strength for her. Enough talk. It’s time to stop pausing and carry out what would have been the most beneficial to us from the start.
“I guess now I’ll tell you what I want to do. Something I couldn’t do before, even though I should have a while ago,” Alice commenced.
Chapter 5
The hallway stretched for eternity. Every stride looked as though it brought Alice no closer to her destination than before. Her pace continued as slowly and deliberately as it did requisitely to stay calm and keep her pulse from rising. She glanced around to make sure that no one saw her walking to the elevator. She wasn’t sure why it mattered to her, but she did not want to be spotted right before she implemented the last part of her plan. Alice couldn’t command her apprehension on the ride up to the 14th floor. It worsened each moment. What if I freeze like I have the other times I talked to Trent? I might end up e
mbarrassing myself, badly. No. I have to be calm and collected. I can’t let my feelings control the outcome this time.
As soon as she came to the 14th floor, she walked out with more assurance. Her walk became heavier and more purposeful. Alice stopped at the corner and peeked around to see if Veronica was in her office. She was. Veronica sat inside with the blinds already open as she tidied her desk. Oh, well. I’ll have to see her before I go in then.
Alice resumed her walk to Trent’s office, stopping to wave as Veronica looked up from her work. She gave Alice a questioning look, and Alice returned a nod. Veronica seemed to know what that meant, and she put on a delicate, but reassuring smile. Without words, she said, “Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine after this.”
Alice felt a little better subsequent to the wordless exchange. She wasn’t alone in this. Gripping the handle tightly, she swung the door open without knocking. Fortunately, Trent sat at his desk. He didn’t appear to be doing anything important. While she locked the door behind her, he expressed marked confusion as he stood up to greet her. Sam stayed under the desk as Trent ordered. Alice stared from the door when he stopped in front of the reading chair. She kept her face intentionally blank. This way, he could see no trace of the thoughts she had. I’m freezing again. I need to be able to carry on. Now, she boldly walked toward him with arms swinging vigorously. He raised his eyebrows, appearing to comprehend that she came with fire. Alice’s black heels made the sound of her walk more menacing than she meant, but everything in her attitude stopped Trent in his tracks just how she wanted it.
When she reached him, her arms flung out and knocked him back into the chair. He brought his arms and legs up to shield himself from imaginary blows that never came. His troubled expression was priceless when Alice got closer and brought one knee up beside his left leg. She put her other leg on his right until she was crouching with him between both of her thighs. Luckily, he’d been standing in front of the perfect chair for this. She placed her hands around his face and gazed vacantly at him for a few seconds. Then, she lowered her face to his and brushed his lips with her own. Within moments, Trent caught on and positioned his tongue between her lips. She took advantage of this, softly clutching his tongue with her teeth to give him a mild tug. Her hands moved down from his face to guide his fingers away from her thighs. Alternatively, Alice brought his hands up to her tits and held them in place while she sucked on his tongue some more. She craved to do this all day. Her heart raced, and her face became flushed in her excitement. It was all she could do to refrain from telling him to be with her right then.
He loosened up a bit after she began grinding her thighs against his lap. Once she broke off the kiss and moved her mouth to his earlobe, she heard his breaths deepen. Trent sighed contentedly, and this caused her to draw him back into a kiss at full force. Their tongues twisted and twined around one another, and Alice continued to rub her body against his. She couldn’t help but stroke his shaft through his pants during their kiss. His leg muscles weren’t all that stiffened at the welcome surprise. Alice huffed in response to his throbbing against her hand. At this, she felt herself falling again. If she didn’t surface soon, she’d lose herself and never say what she had to.
Without warning, she straightened up and ended the passionate kiss. Trent was still reeling from the abruptness of everything Alice just did to him. His face still had a hint of puzzlement, but a crooked smile played onto his lips. She hadn’t seen him make that smile in what seemed like a lifetime. Her heart pounded in her ears, and she had to look away. Putting her hands on his thighs again for balance, she shimmied back off of his lap and stood up in front of him. He looked even more mystified at her unexpected withdrawal. Instead of saying anything, he frowned and chortled uneasily at the same time.
He sensed something different about this kiss. It definitely wasn’t like the others we had.
“What was that all about? That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!” Trent exclaimed.
“It’ll probably be our last kiss,” she said without emotion.
“What?” he asked, fear dancing into his eyes.
“That was a goodbye kiss. I needed to show you my feelings before I let you go,” Alice answered.
“I thought this might happen,” he said with downturned eyes. “But I can’t stop you from doing what you feel is right. I hope Daniel makes you as happy as you deserve to be.”
“I’m not staying with Daniel. I’m leaving both of you behind. He already knows,” she said coolly.
“What do you mean? Why would you do that?” Trent cried.
“Because I almost lost myself,” she declared. “I want the best option for me which is to walk away from this whole fiasco with my conscience intact. This was the only way.”
“How can you be so cold about it?” he asked with antipathy.
“I have to be. I can’t allow my emotions to overtake me the way they did since I started here. They’ve already caused me to screw up everything I had going for me. I’m not forgetting the pain I’ve put you and Daniel through,” Alice said.
“Can you truthfully stand there and tell me that you’re sure about what you’re doing?” he demanded to know.
“No, I can’t. I haven’t been sure about anything from the day I walked into this building. For now, it feels right to me,” Alice responded. “Do you remember when you told me you thought we’d be better people than our parents in the future?”
“Yeah. I almost forgot about that,” Trent said.
“Well, this is the future we talked about, and I don’t feel like a better person at all.” Shame punctuated her tone.
“We can be better people, and we can get through this together. You don’t need to isolate yourself to get over our faults,” he promised, his desperation showing through.
“If I’d come back to you, my guilt over leaving Daniel the way I did would have overshadowed any feelings I had for you. I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy starting over with you. I’m not the kind of person that jumps from one guy to another. My brain doesn’t operate that way. I may love both of you, but there’s a right way to start a relationship and a wrong way—at least for me. We can’t just pick up where we left off after this mistake,” she said. “As for Daniel, there’s no way I could stay with him when I know that there’s someone else I love more. We would be over before a month had passed. Even if I wanted to choose him, I’d constantly feel the need to make up for my deeds. I wouldn’t be able to live this down whether he forgave me or not. So you have to understand that neither of you is an option for me now. There’s too much pain down either road.”
He sighed and slumped forward in the chair, saying, “I understand what you’re saying, as much as I wish you didn’t believe it. So there’s no future for us ever?”
“No. I’m sorry. There just can’t be. Don’t look at this as me leaving you again. That would hurt too much for me to think about. Instead, imagine I’m going back to the girl I thought I was,” she fought to keep a clear head and dry eyes. “And for the record, I would have chosen you if I had to choose anyone.”
Upon finishing her sentence, she turned and walked away. Any further discussion was unnecessary. Trent would fail to change her mind no matter what he said. She had come to a decision on her own, and it took everything she could muster to follow through with it. Alice began to feel like her own person again. She hadn’t experienced that outlook since her first day on the job. Along with the great sadness of leaving Trent alone in his office came sheer relief. The sorrow she could deal with, but she couldn’t take the resentment she would feel toward herself if she’d caved and chosen a man for the wrong reasons. After this, she wouldn’t have to fret over it.
For the time being, Alice vowed to rediscover her independence and try her hardest to recover from both losses she suffered. She wasn’t alone, either. It seemed she could count on Veronica to help her through it as she’d been down a similar road before. It was possible that Alice’s mom might be of
assistance, too, if Alice’s assumptions were correct. Maybe Karen would come around and give the support she’d never shown previously.
Once inside her car, she heaved a sigh. Usually, the passage of time indicated whether a change might improve life or not. Nevertheless, Alice could sense a positive transformation coming over her. She’d overcome her feelings and done what she considered decent. Rather than staying with one of the guys out of guilt or fear of loneliness, she took a step outside the box. Of course, they were both hurt, and it bothered Alice to witness their broken hearts. However, going off on her own was preferable to the pain she might inflict if she stayed with either man in this state. Alice couldn’t be a good girlfriend to have until she mended. Also, she was willing to bet that Daniel experienced a dash of satisfaction—however miniscule—when he found out Alice wouldn’t go back to Trent either. I hope, in time, Daniel can reach out to someone again and let himself be happy. He needs that. It just has to be with someone else, someone who can give him her all.
Alice picked up her phone and dialed. She had a word to keep and a relationship to try repairing, a different kind of love to rediscover. The dial tone stopped.
“Hey, Alice!” a voice said with excitement.
Maybe things will be different from now on.
“Hi, Mom. Do you have a moment now? I could use someone to talk to,” Alice said, feeling better already.
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