‘How is she?’ Eden asked, and for a moment she thought the news must be bad when she saw the sparkle of tears in his eyes, the sheer tension in his face. But he gave a small hesitant nod, even managed a smile.
‘So far so good.’ His voice was thick with emotion. ‘There’s still a hell of a long way to go, but her eyes are open, she’s moving her arms and legs and she recognises us all.’
‘Thank God,’ Eden whispered, and Nick nodded.
‘I really thought we were going to lose her, Eden. When you think how bad it could have been, this really is a Christmas miracle.’
Eden didn’t answer, just stared out into the night sky, waiting for the firework display to start, praying for this year to be over so she could get on with her life, yet terrified all the same, wondering how her life would be this time next year.
‘You’re leaving, aren’t you?’ His question was direct and Eden stiffened beside him.
Her first reaction was to deny it but, a useless liar at the best of times, finally she gave a short nod. ‘I asked Donna not to say anything.’
‘She didn’t,’ Nick answered. ‘I just guessed.’
‘How?’
‘I was watching you work earlier. I don’t know, something told me you were preparing to leave.’ He hesitated for the longest time. ‘Is it because of what happened between us?’
‘It’s because of a lot of things,’
‘Ben?’ Nick asked, and Eden nodded.
‘I know now why we’re not supposed to get involved. It isn’t just for the patient’s protection, it’s for us as well.’
‘You can still see him, Eden,’ Nick pointed out. ‘You can provide respite care, take him out for a day, even if he is in a children’s home.’
‘It isn’t enough,’ Eden choked. ‘I thought it would be, thought if I could just have a little piece of him, make him happy some of the time, then that would make things better. But it hasn’t and I just can’t do it any more. I think it would be easier for me if I didn’t see him at all.’
And for a second there Eden truly didn’t know if she was talking about Ben or Nick, her agony blurring things into one painful mass.
‘When do you leave?’ Nick asked, his voice tentative, and Eden saw a flicker of regret in his eyes when she answered.
‘This is my last night Nick.’
‘No.’ Fiercely he shook his head. ‘Eden, don’t go, not like this…’
A massive crash in the distance ended his protest as the whole night sky lit up in a glorious display of colour. They stood watching the new year come in, the spectacular fireworks in the distance lighting up Sydney Harbour, the joyous sounds of revellers in the streets below. And even though there was plenty to focus on, she was achingly aware of Nick beside her, and the fact that she didn’t know what to say or what to do. As hard as leaving was, staying would be torture—seeing him every day and knowing she couldn’t have him, living on the pathetic hope of an occasional drink or—who knew?—perhaps the odd night together when Nick was feeling lonely and she didn’t have the power to say no. A final fanfare of green and gold sparkled to the heavens, the bridge emblazoned with the numbers of the new year that would be forever etched on her heart. A year of new beginnings, but right now she had to get through the painful ending. She turned to him and offered a tremulous smile for her own inadequate words as she wished Nick well.
‘I hope…’
‘Hope what, Eden?’
‘That this year’s kinder for you.’
And a New Year’s kiss was appropriate, a kiss goodbye, letting go all that could have been. But even as his lips dusted hers, Eden felt the shameful response of her body. Her own hands reached for him and she lost herself in that kiss, offering comfort. He drank it from her, the pent-up misery, the utter wretchedness of the past few weeks were momentarily suspended.
‘Don’t go, Eden.’
‘I have to,’ Eden said finally. ‘Because this isn’t fair on me, Nick. And I’m sorry if I can’t be what you want, sorry that I can’t just be a casual date or even a friend or colleague, because I just wasn’t made that way. All I want to do, all I’ve ever wanted to do, is love you. And I’m not proud of that, especially as for some of the time you were engaged to Teaghan. I know you’ll never feel for me a tenth of what you felt for her, but what you did to me the other night was cruel in the extreme. Nick, you used me and then you pushed me away, made something that was so right suddenly dirty and cheap, made me feel guilty for even caring about you. And I just can’t get past that, Nick. I can’t pretend that I’m OK with it for even a moment longer. I’m not going to let you use me the same way you used Tanya and countless others. I’m not going to be one of your diversions just so that you can deaden the pain of losing Teaghan.’
Pushing him away, she headed for the stairwell, appalled at what she had just admitted, that again she’d revealed the depths of her feelings to a man who simply didn’t know how to love. But she was relieved, too, relieved that finally she’d admitted the truth.
‘Eden.’ She could hear him calling, but she chose to ignore him, pressing furiously on the lift button and jumping inside when it opened. She let out a sigh of relief as the doors closed and the lift descended. She rapidly made her way back to the safety of the children’s ward, knowing Nick couldn’t confront her there. Ben was still asleep and Becky exactly where she’d left her, except for the addition of a radio playing softly at the desk, a pile of notes waiting to be written—the whole world just moving right along.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
‘CAN I have a word, Eden?’ Nick’s voice was sharp, but Eden didn’t look up. She’d already said more than she’d intended, already boosted his already over-inflated ego a touch further but, more importantly, Eden knew she couldn’t carry on the conversation without breaking down and was determined to leave with what was left of her dignity intact. ‘Eden,’ Nick snapped, but still she ignored him, picking up a pen and grabbing a pile of obs charts.
‘Where are you up to, Becky?’
‘Room four,’ Becky answered nervously, her eyes swinging from Nick to Eden. ‘But I can do the charts if Nick needs to talk to you.’
‘He doesn’t,’ Eden said through gritted teeth, grabbing a ruler and drawing an angry red line through the chart on the desk in front of her, wishing he would just go away and leave her to die in peace!
‘Oh, but he does,’ Nick responded, and from his tone Eden knew there was no arguing with him, that if she didn’t go into his office the whole ward was about to become privy to her private pain. ‘We can either go into my office, Eden, or I’ll say what I have to say here. What’s it to be?’
Becky and Rochelle sat up straighter, visibly perking up at the prospect of front-row seats. Even a tired-looking mum walking past the nurses’ station with her baby’s bottle in her hand paused at the desk, pretending to need a tissue.
‘I won’t be long, Becky,’ Eden bristled, standing up. ‘Two minutes at the most.’
In a final stab at assertion Eden refused to follow him, marching angrily ahead and flinging open his office door, turning angrily to face him as Nick closed it behind him.
‘How dare you embarrass me like that in front of my colleagues?’
‘How dare you say what you did and then walk away?’ Nick’s face was taut, his lips set in a grim line, but Eden refused to back down.
‘I’m only speaking the truth, Nick. It’s not my fault if you don’t like it.’
‘You don’t know the truth,’ Nick barked, an angry muscle leaping on his cheek. Every muscle in his body seemed coiled like a spring and Eden jumped back. In all the time she’d known him, not once had she seen him angry, not once had she seen him anything other than relaxed and in control. ‘And you don’t know the first thing about guilt either!’ Anguished eyes held hers, pain she had never before witnessed, even when she’d broken the tragic news of what had happened to Teaghan, was there now for her to see.
‘What have you got to feel guilty a
bout, Nick?’ Eden asked, but her voice was softer now. ‘It was an accident…’
‘We were breaking up when it happened,’ Nick rasped. ‘Or, rather, I’d just broken things off.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Eden closed her eyes in regret for him. ‘But it doesn’t mean that it was your fault.’
‘Do you know what her last words were to me?’ Nick asked, and Eden shook her head. ‘“Your girlfriend is on duty this morning, Nick, you don’t have to deny it any more!” That was the last thing she said to me, Eden. She stormed out of here, full of rage and bitterness. It’s no wonder she wasn’t concentrating on the road.’
‘Nick.’ Again Eden shook her head, struggling to say the right thing. ‘It still doesn’t mean it was your fault. Couples break up—’
‘It was over you, Eden!’ Her mouth snapped closed as Nick overrode her. ‘As soon as you started working here, Teaghan got it into her head that I liked you. We’d been having problems for ages, we’d nearly broken up the Christmas before, but this thing between you and I brought it to a head.’
‘But there wasn’t anything going on between us,’ Eden whispered, her own face pale now, finally understanding Nick’s guilt because her own was starting to trickle in. When Nick slowly shook his head, looked into her eyes and willed her to admit the truth, the dam burst, the trickle turning into a torrent as the truth was finally out.
‘Yes, Eden, there was,’ Nick said slowly. ‘As much as I denied it to Teaghan, as much as I refused to admit it to myself, I did have feelings for you.
‘I always have.’ Nick’s own eyes were swimming with tears now. ‘And I always will, Eden. That night when you were upset about Ben, I was out of my mind with jealousy. I didn’t want it to be Jim cheering you up, Jim going for pizza and trying to comfort you—I wanted it to be me.’
‘I wanted it to be you, too,’ Eden admitted. ‘I just didn’t want to risk getting hurt, didn’t want to be another woman hanging onto your every word.’
‘You’re wrong about what you said about Tanya. I haven’t slept with anyone except you since Teaghan died.’ He registered her slightly incredulous look. ‘I haven’t,’ he insisted. ‘Sure, I’ve tried dating a few times, but I’ve always made it clear from the start I didn’t want a relationship. But no matter how much I tried to deny it, no matter how much I wanted to somehow prove Teaghan wrong, I did want a relationship. And the only person I wanted to be with was you.’
‘You told me that on Christmas night, Nick,’ Eden pointed out, ‘but it didn’t stop you from tossing me aside the next day.’
‘Her parents rang.’ His voice was so low she had to strain to catch it. ‘They wanted to know if I was coming to the cemetery with them, and all I could think was that you were lying in my bed, that Teaghan had been right about it all along. That I betrayed her because I’d always wanted you.’
She saw it from his side then, glimpsed the great abyss of his grief—meaningless attempts at relationships in an effort to run from the truth, trying to deny feelings that had always been there.
Always been there.
‘You didn’t kill her, Nick.’ Her voice was amazingly calm. ‘And neither did I. We’ve done nothing wrong.’
‘Then why doesn’t it feel that way?’ Nick asked. ‘Why do I feel so guilty for loving you?’
Which was a big difference from wanting. Eden’s breath caught in her throat as the true depth of his feelings were revealed.
‘I love you, Eden.’ Crossing the room, he wrapped his arms tightly around her and buried his face in her hair, dragging in her scent, holding onto her as if he couldn’t bear to ever let her go. ‘I love you,’ he said again, but more forcefully this time, as if shutting out the demons that had haunted him. Pulling away slightly, he stared down at her, captured her face in her hands and said it all over again, without shame or regret now, a burden lifted for ever as the simple truth was revealed.
‘I love you, too,’ Eden whispered. ‘Always have and always will.’ A terrible thought suddenly occurred to her, her forehead creasing as Nick smiled down at her. ‘I’ve just handed in my notice!’
‘Good.’ Nick said, raining butterfly kisses on her face as she nervously chewed her bottom lip.
‘It isn’t good,’ she protested.
‘Oh, but it is,’ Nick said. ‘You can apply for your job all over again tomorrow. Donna will take you back, but you can tell her that you’ll only accept under certain conditions.’
‘Which are?’
‘Absolutely no night duty,’ Nick said, ‘and next year you have all of Christmas off.’
‘Fat chance,’ Eden mumbled, but, given it was only the first of January, she didn’t really care, and there was a whole delicious twelve months to fill in between now and then.
‘You won’t be working, Eden,’ Nick said firmly. ‘This time next year you’ll be taking care of a family of your own.’
EPILOGUE
‘YOU’RE DOING TOO much.’
Seeing Eden standing in her uniform, pulling a hastily prepared casserole out of the oven, Nick dropped his briefcase on the floor. Crossing the kitchen, he kissed her full on the lips before resuming his protest.
‘Eden, I thought we’d agreed no night shifts. You’re looking really tired.’
‘I know,’ Eden admitted. ‘But it isn’t the odd night shift that’s making me tired…’
‘The whole point of you working for the hospital bank,’ Nick broke in, ‘is so that you can pick and choose your shifts!’
‘The ward is really short,’ Eden said, buttering jacket potatoes and scooping the casserole over them. ‘It’s only for one night.’
‘That’s what you said last week,’ Nick reminded her, grabbing a spoon from the drawer and scraping the dish. ‘And the week before. When are you going to start saying no?’
‘You didn’t mind my inability to say no last night.’ Eden cheekily grinned. ‘Anyway, one night a week isn’t going to kill me.’
But Nick just rolled his eyes. ‘Well it’s sure as hell going to finish me off. Have you any idea how much this one plays up once you’ve gone to work?’
‘Then don’t wake him,’ Eden answered. ‘There’s no need to check on him five minutes after I leave the house.’
As if on cue, the sound of footsteps running along the hallway had them both turning and watching as an elated Ben scampered towards them, clearly delighted at the sound of Nick’s voice.
‘Home!’ he squealed as Nick scooped him up and showered him with kisses.
‘Yep, buddy, I’m home!’
Home was Ben’s favourite new word! In the six months since they’d become permanent foster-parents, Ben said it a thousand times a day. Home as the car rounded the corner and their weatherboard house came into view, home whenever Nick came in at night or Eden arrived back in the morning, the single word making him smile each and every time it spilled from his smiling chubby face.
‘Donna was saying that the Christmas roster is already done. She wanted to know if I wanted any shifts.’
‘I hope you told her no!’ Nick said with a note of alarm. ‘This will be our first Christmas as a family so no way are you working a single shift in December—or January either, come to that.’
‘I’m not,’ Eden said, placing the plates on the table and helping Ben into his seat as Nick cut up the little boy’s dinner. ‘And I won’t be working next Christmas either,’ Eden added, holding her breath, waiting for Nick to look up. But he was tucking into the rather burnt casserole and trying to feed Ben at the same time.
‘Good,’ Nick said, totally missing the point.
‘You know I went to see the doctor today,’ Eden started, finally catching his attention.
‘I meant to ring you about that. I asked the GP to fax Ben’s bloods over to me when they came back. Well, I spoke to the ID consultant about them and he’s thrilled. He says that Ben couldn’t be doing any better—’
‘The GP told me,’ Eden broke in, wondering why on the films it always lo
oked so easy, how with one tiny shift of the head the penny would suddenly drop. A sledgehammer would be the only thing that would get Nick’s full attention tonight! ‘I won’t be working next Christmas because—’
When Nick’s pager chose that moment to go off, Eden thought she might burst with frustration as he headed off to the phone to ring the hospital.
‘Nick, I’m trying to talk to you.’
‘I’ll just be a moment.’ Picking up the phone, he flashed an apologetic smile, punched in the hospital’s number and introduced himself to the switchboard operator. All Eden knew was that she had to say it now or he’d be on the phone for hours!
‘I’m pregnant, Nick!’
He stopped dead. His whole body went stock still. Only his eyes moved taking in her nervous, excited face, a slow, incredulous smile breaking out on his face as he digested the news. Suddenly remembering he was on the phone, he apologised to the switchboard operator, saying that he’d call back.
‘Thanks very much!’ he said, replacing the receiver and crossing the room. ‘Switchboard sends congratulations! How long have you known?’ he went on.
Eden glanced at the oven clock. ‘Three hours and five minutes.’
‘And you didn’t tell me.’ Nick grinned, but there were tears sparkling in his expressive eyes.
‘I’ve been trying to,’ Eden said. ‘Since the second you got home. That’s why I’m looking so tired, that’s why I went to the doctor and that’s why I won’t be working next Christmas—because it will be our baby’s first one!’
‘You’re not working tonight either,’ Nick said, refusing to budge as Eden begged to differ. ‘No way,’ Nick said. ‘You, Eden Watson, are going to learn how to say no! I want you here at home tonight—both of you,’ he added, his hand brushing her stomach. She captured it, holding it there and revelling in its warmth.
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