Katy brought me back into the fold of her arms. We held each other as tight as we could, trying to offer each other a sense of comfort that we knew didn’t exist. We cried together, each of us realising just what we were up against. We were two modern, intelligent women, who were helpless to the fact that I had no choice.
I loved my child more than I loved myself.
I knew that giving birth to a child was painful, but the pain of losing one would be something I wouldn’t survive.
I wasn’t prepared to lose my child, not even for the man I loved.
I had spent the best part of an hour lying on my bed just waiting for the girls to appear from the en-suite. It was killing me, her light floral perfume wafted over me every time I moved.
I had a plan for the rest of the weekend.
I had already made the calls and Charlie was downstairs waiting for Katy.
The way I saw it, Lily and I needed a couple of days to ourselves. I wanted us to have some space, just me and her. We needed to spend some serious quality time with each other. I knew her well enough to know she had things she needed to say to me, and this time when she opened up, I was going to be fucking man enough to not walk out of the room. I just hoped I could convince her to agree with me.
I could only just make out the whispered sounds of their voices, as they got on with whatever the fuck it was that women did in bathrooms. Having lived with two sisters and my mum, my dad and I learnt to get ready quick. I was the man who took a five-minute shower, it was a complete mystery to me why women took so fucking long.
Totally out of my head with the boredom of waiting I turned myself around, refusing to breathe in the perfume that surrounded me. I placed my boot-clad feet up on the wall behind the headboard, crossing them at the ankles. Twisting my body slightly, I hung my head upside down over the edge of the bed. I refused to take my eyes off the room she was in.
I wanted to see her the moment she came out and I wanted her to see that I was waiting.
I heard a rattle from the door handle. How could it be that just the thought of seeing her was causing my face to break out into the biggest sodding grin ever?
The door opened and she emerged.
Fuck me.
As always, she took my breath away. Her green eyes found mine as her long lashes blinked over and over as she tried to gauge how I was feeling. Just like the Venus fucking fly traps I knew them to be, she captured me all over again. She hesitantly smiled, showing her nervousness for the conversation that we were now overdue to have. I grinned back at her and took in the face of the only woman I was ever likely to love. I was so fucking happy to see the real her. Her beautiful hair was now dark brown like it should be, it felt like she might be starting to come back to me. I erased that thought as quickly as I could. I couldn’t go there, not yet.
She was stood framed by the doorway, where she had frozen at the sight of me. I stared back at her through my upside-down view and let my grin widen. She had begun to put a small amount of weight back on in the three weeks she had been with us, but I could see just by looking at her bare legs in the short-as-fuck skirt she was wearing that she was still much lighter than I remembered her. Then, taking another look at what she was wearing, I realised that she had yet again chosen to wear one of my shirts, just like she used to.
It had to mean something surely?
I didn’t want to break the moment we had, but I knew we needed to start somewhere. I swung my legs down away from the wall, and showing off I back flipped off the bed and onto my feet, my boots hitting the floorboards with a resounding bang. I turned and slowly took a couple of steps towards her. She felt to the side of her for the small, velvet ladies’ chair my mum had recently added to the room.
Just as I managed to summon up the strength to speak, she spoke first.
‘Hi, Jack.’
‘There she is… my beautiful girl.’
I moved towards her and skidded to my knees in front of her. Me acting like an arse and showing off had made her smile. I placed my hands deep down in my pockets and tipped my head back until our eyes met.
Blue finding deep green.
I removed my hands from my jeans, lifted them up and hovered them above hers. I knew she might jump if I touched her. So, them floating in mid-air was as near to her as I felt I could fucking get. I turned one of my hands over and offered it to her. I gave her the choice but willed her to take a hold. I watched her lashes lower as she looked at my offering.
Slowly her hand come up to find mine.
There it was, the familiar sensation of lightning travelled through my whole system as soon as our hands touched. My whole body jerked awake and I knew she once again felt it too, as I heard her gasp at the contact.
I lowered both our hands back down to her lap, loving the feel of the bare skin on my forearm. I tore my eyes away from our now conjoined hands to once again find hers.
‘I’ve arranged for us to have a few days by ourselves, Lils. I think we need it… what do ya think?’
I watched her mulling over what I was proposing. I couldn’t help myself from lifting up one hand to touch her semi-dry, brown hair. I took a piece off her shoulder between my thumb and forefinger. Slowly, I allowed the curl to wind around my finger. I knew Katy was nearby, but I no longer fucking cared. I was prepared to bare my soul to the world if that’s what it took.
‘First love never really dies, Lils. I know life changes, but you and me, babe, are so intricately woven together. We’re meant to be together… we deserve a few days together, just you and me, please?’ I watched as she nodded at me in answer.
‘Words, Lils… I need your words.’
‘Yes, Jack.’
‘Come on then.’ I stood slowly in front of her and offered out my hand. She placed her small one in mine and stood up next to me. I brought her fingers to my lips and kissed each of them.
Putting my free hand into my pocket I pulled out the packet of sweets that sat there. I had chosen the ones I wanted from a few packets, rewrapped them and now I placed them in her empty hand. ‘We need to get outta here. I can see your head whirring and worrying. Let’s go for a drive. I wanna share some things with ya.’
Just like that she fell into step next to me.
Katy appeared in the bedroom and smiled over at us both. She mouthed at Lily “Tell him” and I felt Lily nod gently next to me. I dropped my head and put a kiss on the top of her head. Breathing in the smell of apples as I did so.
I knew I was totally fucked.
Turning my head, I looked back for Katy before we left the room.
‘Charlie’s waiting for ya downstairs… talk to him, Katy.’
I followed Jack downstairs, watching his muscular back flex in the thin, grey T-shirt he was wearing, and out into the warm sunshine of the summer day. As we crossed over the gravel turning area at the front of the house his hand never left mine. He seemed to need our constant connection as much as I did. His step slowed up slightly as he dug deep into his pocket, searching to find the keys he was looking for. I heard a beep and the lights flashed on a black truck that had seen better days.
‘I thought it was good idea… if ya remember our first ride together was in Charlie’s truck? So, I thought we’d borrow it again.’ He smiled at me.
‘I remember.’ I smiled my thanks at him as he opened my door and I jumped in. I watched out of the windscreen as he jogged around the front of the vehicle. Jumping in himself, he picked my hand up off my lap and brought my fingers to his lips.
‘Gonna open your Love Hearts then?’ he asked as he started up the truck and began to drive away from his home.
Just the touch of his warm, full lips on my fingers had set my needy body on fire. I watched my shaking fingers turn over the small roll of sweets and I began to peel away the silver wrapper. Opening them I found that every Love Heart had the same message.
First Love
His thoughtfulness floored me. I smiled my thanks over at him. To break the emotional atm
osphere, I placed a couple in my mouth and sucked. They never ceased to disappoint and as I sucked at the sugary treat my head fell back on the head rest. I moaned at the feeling of childlike contentment I found in eating them.
‘Mmmmmm.’ I sighed, closed my eyes and let out another moan from my lips. ‘Ahhhhh.’
My eyes opened wide as Jack braked suddenly and my body was flung forward.
‘Wooaaaaah… bloody stupid, fucking rabbit.’
I smiled over at him and at the feelings of normalcy our car ride was creating. He grabbed one of my hands and placed it down on his lap.
I let it rest on his muscled thigh, feeling the warmth from his leg filter through his jeans. I had to concentrate hard on not moving it at all, when all I wanted was to flex my fingers into his defined muscles.
‘You, babe, need to stop reminding me that you have a chocolate and sweet clit at the back of your throat… Ok? Unless, of course, you want me to run over the next poor animal that crosses our path?’ He smiled at me.
I blinked at his words and then burst out laughing.
‘I’ll try to remember… Where are we going?’
‘You’ll see… Is that alright?... Do ya trust me?’
As soon I heard those words, I understood exactly what he was doing. The whole ride out was a trip down memory lane. He was trying to remind me where we had come from and what we meant to each other. I smiled as I looked out of the windows at the passing countryside.
I wasn’t going to tell him, but he needn’t have bothered. The more time I spent in his home being cared for by him, the more days that passed when I was no longer taking any form of medication, the way we felt about each other seeped back into every part of my body, heart and soul. I turned my head to the side to take in Jack as he so competently drove us down the narrow, twisting lanes.
‘I do, Jack,’ I whispered.
Without turning towards me he carried on driving. A gentle squeeze of my hand in his, was all the acknowledgment I needed to know he had heard me.
We spent about an hour at our old university. We discussed and laughed at things that had happened to us, as we walked around the campus hand in hand in the sunshine. When my body began to complain with the exertion of walking, Jack knew instinctively. He moved in front of me causing me to stop suddenly. His bare forearms fell to his sides and I watched as his large scarred hands cupped to either side of his thighs and his fingers wiggled, as he encouraged me to get onto his back.
‘Come on, jump up. I’ll give you a piggy back.’
I moved up behind him as close as I could get. My body was now weak in two ways and the very worse way was because of how close we were. His clothing released his spicy cologne and wafts of tobacco. I placed my hands up to his well-developed shoulders and took a hold. He seemed to sense that I hadn’t got the strength to jump up and he bent his knees making his body dip down low. As the front of my body curved over his back, his hands found my bare thighs and he hoisted me up onto his broad back in one swift movement. He stood and I adjusted myself to find a comfortable position.
‘Fuck me,’ came out of his mouth on a deep sigh. ‘Stop shifting around, will ya?’ He laughed as he spoke and started to move his feet carrying us towards the grass bank overlooking the duck pond. It had always been one of our favourite places.
Reprimanded I froze, but smiled at his words. ‘Sorry… I was just getting comfortable.’ I spoke into his ear, relishing the feel of his hair tickling my cheek as I did so.
‘I’ll give ya “getting comfortable,” babe… just for a fucking minute there, I was thinking with the wrong fucking head.’ He lifted me higher on his back and once he seemed happy that he had me secure, one hand left my thigh to adjust the front of his jeans. ‘Do a bloke a favour and stop rubbing your hot pussy into my back.’
‘Stop it, Jack.’ I pushed his head slightly forward to make sure my words found home, smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck.
All the memories of us were flooding my system.
We stayed an hour on the bank by the duck pond. The soft summer breeze blew the leaves in the trees around us. The gentle shaking sound they made travelled through me, relaxing me. Jack spent the time lying on his back and at first I lay next to him, my head resting on his chest in the crook of his arm. His fingers played in my hair and several soft kisses were placed on the top of my head.
The feeling of not being able to get close enough raced through my system several times over. Almost as if he could hear my thoughts, he pulled me up to lie on top of him and wrapped his arms around me tightly to keep me there.
I sighed. If I could choose I would never be anywhere else.
After a few minutes in comfortable silence, with my ear to his hard chest as I listened to the regular rhythm of his heart, I quickly pushed myself up to sit astride his legs. I rearranged my short skirt, making sure that even in the quiet area of the almost deserted campus, if anyone did happen to come by I would look decent.
Jack moved underneath me. His hands found their way to behind his head and I watched as his fingers linked together. A knowing smile crept over his face as he crossed his long legs together at the ankles. His cock had sprung to attention with my movement and as he crossed his legs beneath me, he knew I would feel the hardness beneath me in just the right place. I placed my hands to his chest and wiggled slightly on top of him.
‘Whatcha up to, babe?’ he asked. He then pushed his tongue up behind the top row of his teeth as he grinned at me.
‘I need to be close to you, Jack… I want to be as close as we can get.’ I felt the blush consume my cheeks.
The smile faded from his face as he took in what I was asking. His hands moved away from the back of his head and placing his warm palms to the top of my thighs he began to gently caress the bare flesh he found there.
‘I know what you’re asking for, Lils… I want that too, beautiful girl, but not here and now. When I take ownership of your body again, I want you all to myself. Not out in the fucking open for anyone to watch. Not the first time anyway.’ He winked at me trying to encourage a smile instead of the hurt expression that was now covering my face.
I felt the sting of rejection hit me. Perhaps it was just an excuse. Perhaps knowing I had been used by others meant he no longer wanted me?
I managed to half-heartedly offer him a small smile. I knew he saw through it but it was all I could manage.
We drove home shortly after.
Thank goodness for the radio playing in the background. It broke through the atmosphere I had created by my extremely stupid seduction technique.
As we arrived back at Jack’s house, he brought me down the long drive just like the first time, when he had shown me where he was one day going to live. Forcing myself through the hurt of his rejection, even I could recognise that after spending time together reliving our memories it almost felt like the first time too. The only thing that seemed to make it different was the obvious care and attention the house had been in receipt of. The beautiful white render gleamed in the sunlight and the grey glossed wood just seemed so right for the old building.
It was obvious it was a real labour of love for Jack. I was so happy for him, but selfishly so sad for myself.
I pulled myself out of the black hole I had placed myself in.
‘It’s stunning, Jack.’ He smiled at me as his face showed he remembered the words I had used when he had first brought me here.
Taking my hand in his and kissing my fingers he answered. ‘Not as stunning as you, Lils. Don’t fucking take my “no” back there to be anything other than what I said… I want you, I want ya so fucking badly it hurts. But when I have you again it’ll be the right time and the right fucking place.’ He winked at me and I smiled back, my spirits had lifted a little.
I waited inside the high-walled back garden of his home. Jack had gone indoors for the picnic he had made earlier. I had been ordered to rest on a Tartan blanket, so there I lay, propped up on the pillows he had carefully put
behind my back.
Once I had forced myself to grow up and had let go of the childish feelings of rejection that had consumed me earlier, I realised that I couldn’t remember enjoying a day more than this in ages. I stared up at the blue sky watching the clouds gently blow over.
A rattling sound carried across the garden on the breeze. I pushed myself up to watch Jack walking carefully back over carrying a heavily-laden tray.
‘Can I give you a hand?’
‘Nah, just relax.’ He placed the tray down beside the blanket and then lay down next to me.
We lay side by side staring at the clouds as they moved across the sky, my hand clasped in his.
‘My mum used to watch clouds with me when I was a little girl. We used to see what objects we could make out from the shapes they created.’
Jack rolled onto his side to face me and bent his elbow, so his hand could support his head. I turned a little to look at him, feeling our connection pull me towards him as always. I wasn’t sure there would ever be a moment when he didn’t take my breath away. I kissed my fingers and placed them against his lips.
‘Thank you for today, baby.’ It wasn’t deliberate that I called him that. It was simply because after spending time with him today, it felt so natural to use it.
I saw the moment my term of endearment resonated within him as he closed his eyes. When they opened again his head had started very slowly to move down to mine.
‘What can you see when you look at them?’ My words stopped his head from moving further towards me. I was afraid of him kissing me. I couldn’t cope with being rejected again. I saw the momentary look of confusion in his face.
‘The clouds, Jack.’ I smiled.
His eyes never left mine, as his fingers brushed over my cheek bone, then he moved them further back to hook my hair behind my ear. ‘It doesn’t matter where I look… All I can see is you, Lils… I’ve missed ya… Did you miss me?’ His fingers trailed gently around my jawline and although it was warm outside, his touch sent welcome shivers down my spine.
Undeniable (Fated series Book 4) Page 21