by Young-Ha Kim
“Where’ll they go? When?”
“Who knows. Fuck, we just take what they’ve got until we can’t. The bitches don’t last long.”
“What do you mean, don’t last long? You mean they go back home?”
“Well, there probably isn’t a single one who wants to go back. But they don’t have anywhere else to go, do they? They just go on like this until they start having problems with each other. They gang up on one of the girls, or they take sides and fight, then suddenly, pow!”
Hoodie laughed. “They fight like hell, then when they leave, they leave together. Go figure.”
“Why do they fight?”
Hoodie stared blankly at Jae, then grinned. “Why do they fight?”
He took a swift look around the room, then spat out, “Is this any way for a person to live?”
It didn’t sound like something a teenager would say.
“It’s the fucking thing you do at one point in your life. Hell, how could we do this all the time? Maybe these retarded girls have low IQs, or maybe they’re worn-out hos to start with, ’cause they forget quickly. They crawl back home at the end, then when they find another group member, they crawl out again. Eventually they all crawl back again.”
“So that’s how it is.”
“Why? Is there a girl you wanna see again?”
“No.”
“Bullshit. You’re always looking at Jiyeon.”
Jae stayed silent.
“Why? ’Cause of the fucker Jongwook?” That was Baseball Cap’s name. “Move over him, you idiot.”
“Aren’t you two friends?”
“Friends? That asshole and me?” Hoodie laughed. “Friends, what a load of shit. Stop talking shit and let’s shoot some guns.”
The two sat in front of a computer, shooting and killing thousands of terrorists. Giants with bombs strapped to them, carrying grenade launchers and AK-47s, collapsed as their bodies sprayed blood and bone marrow. The bottom of the screen turned blood red.
The girls came back. Baseball Cap woke up from a long nap, smelling pizza. Jae took a beer out of the cabinet and, while Baseball Cap was stuffing pizza into his mouth, struck him from behind with the bottle. Baseball Cap—caught entirely off guard—collapsed without a word. The girls shrieked as Jae kicked Baseball Cap in the stomach. No one knew why and no one dared ask. After Piercing grabbed Jae by the waist, the girls dragged Baseball Cap into the next room. Hoodie sat and quietly continued eating, and Jiyeon, terrified, stayed close to the sink and watched.
Even after Baseball Cap came to, he crept around Jae, before stealthily sneaking out of the house. Only Hoodie spoke to him with a halfhearted “See you later.” The rest ignored him. When night came, Jae took Jiyeon by the wrist and pulled her under his blanket. No one stopped him.
“Just don’t come inside me,” Jiyeon asked, frowning as soon as he entered her.
Jae wasn’t sure what this meant, so he wasn’t able to do what she asked. His first sexual experience ended abruptly. Jiyeon stepped over Jae, who had collapsed feeling as if he’d been beaten in the head, and ran to the bathroom. He listened to the successive stomp, stomp, stomp of her feet.
She said, “If you do this, you’re less likely to get pregnant. But next time, can you pull out?”
He promised. The next morning while Jae was wiping up bloodstains from the floor—remains of his assault on Baseball Cap—Hoodie passed him and said, “Clean it with cold water. That’s how you get blood out.”
That afternoon Jae went out to the store for instant noodles and bleach. On his return, he saw an unfamiliar van in front of the house that hadn’t been there before. He saw five burly men inside, watching the entrance of Hoodie’s semi-basement. Jae positioned himself farther away and continued watching. The car door opened, the men checked their surroundings, then headed toward the house. One man rang the bell and the others lingered, waiting. But as soon as the door opened, they forced themselves in. The five kids were dragged out, one after another. Jiyeon hadn’t had time to put sneakers on—she was wearing only a single Adidas slipper. Jiyeon, Sesame Leaf Hair, and Rhinestone were hauled away in an old sedan parked thirty or so meters away. A stakeout car. Baseball Cap had clearly blown the whistle.
The neighbors were watching this commotion happening in broad daylight and clicking their tongues, looking as if such a sight stretched far beyond their imagination.
16
Jae continued to endure more of the same. Dirty, small houses, soju bottles and chicken bones scattered across rooms, boys and girls drinking nightly and acting violent over nothing at all. I don’t want to write any more about it, but I should cover the last and most horrifying group of kids that Jae faced before I move on. They were led by a seventeen-year-old guy who essentially imprisoned a mentally impaired girl named Hanna and lived off her basic living assistance and disability allowance. They met Hanna in an online chatroom. After the guy first managed to enter her house, he called his younger sister, Geumhui, and his friend from middle school, Nike.
Jae met Geumhui while eating instant noodles at a convenience store, and she immediately took to him. “You’re kinda cute,” she said. “I’ve got a place to sleep—you want to come with me?”
He had no reason not to, so he followed her. On the way there, they found a mattress that someone had thrown out. Geumhui asked Jae to help her bring it back, but he said he could carry it on his own and quickly lifted it up. It was something he had done at the orphanage on big cleaning days.
“All you have to do is center it just right,” he said.
The two guys would beat Hanna at any little excuse. When they did, Geumhui would avoid them by surfing the web or staying near Jae. One very stupid reason they hit Hanna was because she officially “belonged” to the leader, but the leader caught her kissing Nike one day. Actually Nike was molesting Hanna when the leader caught them. Leader pulled Nike aside and asked him for the full story. Nike made excuses, saying that Hanna had made a pass at him. When the boys calmed down, Leader and Nike tied Hanna to a chair and began punishing her. They repeatedly asked her, “Why’d you make a pass at Nike?”
It was torture for the sake of torture, but once they started, they couldn’t stop—Leader didn’t want to look weak in front of Nike, Nike was afraid that Leader would misunderstand him, and Geumhui didn’t want to appear to be on Hanna’s side. Hanna, who had a low IQ and was slow to understand what others wanted, offered irrelevant answers, and each time, the two guys increased the intensity of the torture. They heated a spoon over the gas range and pressed it against her thigh. They tied her to the chair and made her sleep there. When she wet herself, they said she was filthy and beat her for that too.
Jae asked Geumhui how she could let this happen. Shouldn’t she tell her brother to stop? Geumhui kept her eyes on the computer game she was playing and said coldly, “It’s none of your business. She’s got to be punished.”
Days later, the guys went to the bank to collect Hanna’s monthly check and Geumhui went to the hair salon. Hanna was still tied to the chair. Alone with her, Jae felt his soul palpitating about the room for the first time in ages. He relived the confusion of his solitary confinement at the orphanage, when his consciousness freed itself from his body and sought another host. The cheaply made plywood chair from China was in agony, and the impact shook Jae. The chair had lost its composure, its rage had increased beyond the critical limit, and its cracked voice released a mangled grammar of rapid-fire sentences. It was suffering and humiliated by Hanna’s leaking body fluids. The chair had absorbed her pain, which went against the nature of the chair, whose pride lay in its usefulness. Jae untied Hanna’s restraints.
“Go and tell your daddy everything, about how the kids are bullying you.”
Her alcoholic father worked as a day laborer at construction sites. Occasionally he stopped by before work to see Hanna, but he only seemed relieved that the kids were helping out his handicapped daughter.
Jae added, “You better ru
n away fast before the others come. Quick!”
Hanna shook her head and said that she was in love with Leader.
“Do you even know what love means?”
“I’m not stupid. I know what love is. I love him. Because he loves me, he’s doing this. I can bear it. Tie me up again,” she entreated, lisping as she held two hands out.
“You’re asking me to tie you up again?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t do that.”
“I want it. I want it. I said I want it!”
She kept stubbornly whining, then she cried. She began to hit Jae. She stank of urine.
“Then at least take a shower,” he said.
She shook her head adamantly. “I hate showers.”
She blamed her suffering on kissing Nike, and now Jae was asking her to erase all the evidence of her reparation. She simply wanted to return to the way she was before Leader came back. Jae was fed up with her blind refusal to understand, so he tied her up again. Each time the chair squeaked loudly, it sounded like a scream.
“I won’t tell,” Hanna said. “I won’t tell anyone,” as if she were doing him a favor. Leader was about a head taller than Jae; he wouldn’t be able to defeat Leader in a fight. On top of that, he was always with Nike. But even if he were able to fight them and win, wasn’t it pointless? If you lowered a rope to a soul fallen into a pit, and the soul didn’t have the will to take the rope and climb, all that effort was wasted. Whether he slashed tires or toppled formidable enemies, nothing changed. Is this just because I’m young? he wondered. Because I have no power and don’t know enough about the world? Jae, who had never been religious, found himself thinking of God. It seemed impossible for anyone except God to find a way out of this situation. He thought of reporting it to the police. But if Hanna denied it, the boys would be released immediately and return to her.
As soon as Geumhui got back from the hairdresser, Jae said, “You should untie Hanna.”
“Me? Why?”
“You have to untie her. Come on, do it fast.”
“I can’t. My brother won’t put up with it.”
“If you don’t untie her, I’m going to leave.”
She looked closely at Jae to see if he meant it. He said more firmly, “Untie her. Tell your brother later.”
“I can’t do that. I mean, she did make a move on him.”
“Stop talking crap. Is it because you think it’ll be easier for you with her like this? That it?”
Geumhui scrutinized him. “The little bitch! Did she try making a move on you too? Huh?”
She took Hanna by the hair and began shaking her. Hanna collapsed and Jae grabbed Geumhui by the neck. She squirmed and struggled, but as soon as Jae punched her in the stomach, she doubled over. Hanna, who hadn’t cried when she was beaten, wailed like an injured heifer. Jae released Hanna and pulled Geumhui up, seating her on Hanna’s chair. Then he bound her.
Geumhui implored, “I love you. You know I love you, don’t you? Why’re you doing this? Seriously. Why?”
But Jae didn’t listen. He left Hanna in the other room and waited for the others to return. He also hid a knife in the pot of the shriveled-up rubber tree, just in case.
At first Leader and Nike didn’t catch on. They tossed off their shoes and entered. When they heard the screaming and sobbing, they halted. But they didn’t understand. How could the girl tied to the chair be Geumhui and not Hanna? Jae pulled the bathroom door open, walked out, and faced the boys, with the chair between them.
Leader’s forearms slowly flexed. His voice shook as he said, “Fuck, what kind of crazy shit is this?”
“Huh? What crazy shit?” Jae asked calmly.
Geumhui screamed, “That crazy bastard, he’s out of his mind. Untie me quick. My arms hurt so much, I think I’m gonna die.”
Nike said, “This shit tied you up?”
“He even punched me in the stomach. I thought I was gonna die. That bastard, he’s gone crazy, the asshole.”
“So why’d you bring the fucker here?”
“I said untie me, quick.”
Leader didn’t take his eyes off Jae. He seemed to think that Jae might attack while he was untying his sister. Nike swerved around the chair and slowly moved toward Jae.
“You better not get any closer,” Jae said.
Leader looked at Nike, who was approaching Jae, telling him to hold back. Then Leader said, “Let me ask you one thing. Why’re you doing this? Are you for real crazy?”
“Geumhui made a move on Nike. So I’m punishing her. Why? I can’t do that?”
Surprised, Nike screamed, “What kind of bullshit is this?”
Geumhui said, “I told you he’s crazy! Why’re you still talking to him? Just kill him.”
“Okay, let’s kill him and bury him,” Leader said moodily, and took a cautious step forward.
It dawned on Jae that he might be killed. He thought of the farm engulfed in flames. Of the sound of dogs whimpering all night long, and the peace he felt that night he entered their souls. This erased his fears, and Leader’s bluff about burying him actually eased his tension.
“I’ve got something to ask your little sister. See here, your sister Geumhui made a move on Nike. I need to ask your sister why she did it. You guys stay out of it.”
“You asshole, you’re unbelievable. Where’d this crazy bastard come from?”
Leader and Nike, unable to take any more, swerved around the chair and sprang at him. As soon as Nike grabbed Jae by the waist of his pants, Leader kicked him near the knee. But Jae didn’t give in and punched Leader in the face. As he retreated, he took the knife hidden in the potted plant and brandished it. Like an inline skate when its wheel hits a stone, the knife broke from its arc and made a jagged cut across Nike’s shoulder. Blood splattered to the ceiling.
“Aaaack!” Nike screamed as he grabbed his shoulder and collapsed. The knife had cut through the shirt and pierced his shoulder. It felt different, smoother than when he had ripped the tires.
Shocked, Leader stepped back. Nike crawled on his knees through the growing pool of blood, fumbling for a weapon, but Jae had already made sure to remove everything. Leader’s pants darkened, absorbing the blood on the floor.
Jae said to Leader, “So you ask your sister. Ask her why she made a move on Nike.”
Leader looked wildly around. “If you put the knife down and leave quietly, I won’t follow. I promise.”
“What? You can’t just let that asshole go!” Nike shouted, but Leader continued talking to Jae. Jae heard fear in the subtle quiver of his voice.
“Put the knife down and leave the house. I don’t know why you did this, but get out. I have to take him to the hospital—you see, don’t you? How much fucking blood he’s losing? He’ll die without help.”
“Get on your knees,” Jae demanded.
“What?”
“You heard, didn’t you? Get over to the wall.”
Surprisingly, without protest Leader went and faced the wall. He sat cross-legged, but he didn’t get on his knees.
Jae held the knife to his throat and repeated, “I told you, on your knees.”
Only then did Leader listen. Nike crawled on his side and lay face-down. Geumhui had shut up and was watching Jae in sheer terror.
Jae said, “I’m not trying to be a hero or anything. I’m just saying, shit, no one should ever do what you did to another human being. Is that so hard to understand?”
He pressed the knife to Leader’s throat; Leader shook his head.
“It’s not hard, is it?” Jae said. “Not hard at all. I’m not hard to understand.”
Jae lifted his right foot in the air, like in the movies, and kicked Leader in the back. Leader, still on his knees, fell flat on his face. As Jae left, he glanced over at Geumhui, but she twisted her head to the left and avoided his gaze. Nothing would change. If he came back a few days later, he would find them living in the exact same way. They might be tormenting Hanna even worse than before. But
that didn’t make Jae feel helpless; he actually felt stronger. His changing self, a growing seed in solitary confinement at the orphanage, was becoming more solid.
As Jae left, he gathered all their shoes and tossed them over the neighboring house’s wall. He ran until he hit a safe spot, then stopped to take a deep breath when his chest began throbbing with pain. He saw visions. Baseball Cap on the ground after he had struck him with the bottle. Nike on the ground, bleeding. Jae felt his head splitting and his right shoulder burning as if drenched in scalding water. The pain he had caused Baseball Cap and Nike had ricocheted back to him, and he began to cry. It’s unfair, he thought. All of you sinned and all I did was punish you. So why do I have to endure your pain? Even with his eyes closed, the visions continued. He saw Hanna tied to the chair, and Jiyeon burned with a cigarette. Jae’s entire body trembled as if he were tied down, unable to move. It was dawn before a security guard in the electronics shopping mall discovered Jae. A scar across his thigh resembled a cigarette burn, and a red laceration across his shoulder, like a knife wound; his arms and legs were nearly paralyzed from lack of circulation, his pants stained with his runny shit and with urine. The guard sprayed water over Jae’s face and woke him, then sent him packing.
From then on, Jae kept to himself. He slept in public bathrooms, under building stairwells, and in the basement boiler rooms of apartment complexes with lax security. Everywhere he went was infested with mosquitoes, so his entire body broke out in red spots. He developed dry, flaky patches on his face that resembled a skin disease. A woman who ran one of Seoul’s many outdoor drinking tents sometimes gave him free dumplings and spicy rice cakes. When she was in a good mood, she would even hand out a hard-boiled egg. But most days he rummaged through trashcans for his food. Convenience-store rice-and-vegetable rolls past their expiration date were the best, but they weren’t easy to find, since the part-time cashiers usually took them. Fast-food chains threw out food with the wrappers intact, and on a good day, he was able to gorge. The first few months he often had diarrhea, but later his stomach adjusted.