by Nicola Haken
“Well, Ry, I’m starting to piss myself off. Why the fuck does this have to be so difficult? It’s not difficult for any of those guys out there.” I gestured my hand towards the dance floor. “It’s not difficult for you. I just feel kinda pathetic.”
“Wow. Who would’ve thought Sawyer Knight – king of the music world - is a giant pussy?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, laughing. “Sounds about right.”
“Those people out there are happy because they’ve already been through and dealt with the shit you’re going through. Happens to the best of us, mate. The doubt, the shame. Not everyone obviously, but most. But those guys you see out there have accepted themselves, and you will too.”
“Yeah, I’m not too sure about that.”
“Trust me. Might take you a little longer because you’re a late starter.” He winked at me and I shook my head. The guy’s a real charmer. “Plus there’s the fact you’re a global fucking superstar… but you’ll get there. Now, the more important question is, who is he?”
“Who’s who?”
“The guy that’s turned your world upside down.”
“Someone I’ve known since I was a kid. He was my best friend.”
“Was?”
“He had to leave when we were seventeen. His dad relocated him and his family to Australia. The day before he left… he kissed me and I turned on him. Told him I never wanted to see or speak to him again. The fucked up part of that is, I pushed him away because I wanted him so damn much. I just wasn’t ready to admit it.”
“And you’re ready now?”
“You know what, Ryder? I have no fucking idea.”
“I think you’re nearly there. You wouldn’t have told me shit if you weren’t,” he shrugged. “You don’t even know me and you’ve probably just told me more about who you are than any one of your band mates. Am I right?”
“How old are you?” I asked curiously.
“Twenty-two. Why?”
“I’m probably gonna sound like an old man here but you’re pretty wise for such a young man.”
“Yeah, that happens when you have to raise yourself. That’s why I live each day to the fullest. I do what I want, when I want, because I’ve spent too much time dealing with shit when I was growing up. Could be dead tomorrow, why waste it pretending to be something your not? This is your only shot, Sawyer. Once they turn the burners on you don’t get to come back and relive it. Right now, you look fucking miserable. Yet I bet when you’re with your mystery guy you’ve never felt so fucking happy. Don’t you wanna feel like that all the time?”
“But what if it doesn’t last? What if something fucks up and I’ve lost all this, everything I’ve worked for, for nothing.”
“Now you’re just talking bollocks. You’re not gonna lose anything. Those guys over there… they’re your friends. Friends support each other. If they don’t, then you never meant anything to them in the first place. Look at who you are and what you’ve achieved. You don’t get that far in life without balls and determination. You need to stop waiting for the ‘right’ time. Trust me, there isn’t one. Take a leap, Sawyer. It’ll be the best thing you ever do. And on that note, I’m going outside for a smoke. Coming?”
“Nah. Think I’m gonna head back to the hotel actually.”
“I hope to be not too far behind you…” he trailed off, scanning the room. “With that fit piece of arse over there by the bar.”
“Well good luck with that,” I said. Ryder downed the last of his beer and stood up, pulling his smokes out of his pocket. “And thank you. I’m glad we met, twink.” I flashed him a smirk, knowing he would call me out for that remark.
“I might look like a twink, babe, but I fuck like an animal.”
Funnily enough, I didn’t doubt that for a second. After watching Ryder disappear into the sea of dancing bodies, I pulled out my phone and swiped across the screen until I hit Neil’s number.
“Hey, dude. Can you get a driver to take me back to the hotel? I’m not feeling too great.”
“Sure, Saw. No problem. I’ll send Pete over to escort you out.”
“Thanks. Catch you later.”
“Sure, man.”
“Can I come in?”
Jake answered the door to me dressed in only his jogging pants. He searched my eyes with a curious expression and I gave him a weak, apologetic smile.
“You already know the answer to that.” He stepped aside and I brushed past him, already feeling comforted by the smell of him. I walked straight into his bedroom, stripped off my clothes and climbed into his bed.
“Sawyer?” he asked, a trace of doubt tainting his voice.
“I just want you to hold me. No talking. No questions. No sex. Just hold me.”
Jake stepped out of his pants, folding them neatly over the dressing chair before crawling onto the mattress. He settled himself back and pulled the covers up to our waists. Holding his arm out for me to nestle into, he leaned down laid a gentle kiss on top of my head. I moved in close, resting my head on his bare chest and holding onto him with my arm over his hips.
“Goodnight, Sawyer.”
“Goodnight, Jake.”
Chapter Eleven
I was awoken by something nudging my shoulder. I tried to ignore it, wanting to head back into the deep sleep I was in just seconds ago.
“Sawyer. It’s 5AM. You need to wake up and get back to your room.”
Groggily, I prised open my eyes and turned my head to face him.
“Not yet,” I told him. “I’m fine just where I am.” Jakes eyebrows furrowed together, once again staring at with eyes that were bursting with questions.
“What are you saying here, Sawyer?”
“I’m saying I want to stop putting so much pressure on myself. On us. I’m saying this is still brand new and I want us to enjoy time on our own before we announce it, so we still need to be careful. But I guess… I guess what I’m saying is that one day, I don’t know when, I want to walk down the street with you on my arm. I want to show you off to the world and let them all know you’re mine and I’m yours. I’m saying… I want us to give this a real shot. I’m saying that we’ve missed out on too many years already, and that I want today to be the start of many years to come. What I’m saying, Jake… is that I love you.”
“Fucking hell, Sawyer,” he choked out, rolling onto his side and wrapping me in his strong arms. “Thank you, baby. Thank you so fucking much for believing in us.”
“Hey, Jake?”
“Yes?” he answered in between trailing firm kisses along my jaw.
“I want to suck your cock so badly right now.”
“Too bad,” he whispered, making his way down my body and nestling himself between my legs. “I’ll be too busy sucking yours.”
Fuck yes…
“Do you need anything before you go?” Laurelin asked as I packed my stuff into Jake’s rented car. We’d given the excuse Jake was taking me to my house in the Lakes as he had family nearby who he was visiting. Everyone agreed it was for the best if Jake was reasonably close by given the situation with these threats.
“No thanks, Lin. Wait… actually could you have my calls redirected to my landline? There isn’t great reception out there.”
“Sure, hun. No problem. What exactly are you going for?”
“Just a break from all the madness. I plan to just chill. Write some songs. Play some music.”
“Sounds good. Okay, well I guess I’ll see you in LA. I’m heading out there on Wednesday. I’ll go and sort your phone out right now.”
“Thanks, Lin. You’re a star.” I leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. She did that bashful thing chicks do where they smile up at you and flutter their lashes.
“Ready to go?” Jake asked in that cool, professional and sexy as fuck voice he uses when we’re in public.
“Almost. Just need to grab my guitar from upstairs.”
Nodding, Jake followed me back up to my suite. Matt and Gavin had already lef
t for the airport, Daz was catching a later flight and I don’t know what the hell Kip was doing because he still wouldn’t talk to me. The second the lift doors opened when we reached the top floor we were met with the sounds of Elle crying and Kip yelling.
“What the fuck?” I said, dashing out of the lift and running towards the sound. “What the hell is going on?” I demanded when I reached them. Elle tried but failed to compose herself as she wiped the tears from my eyes.
“Nothing,” she barefaced lied. “We’re fine.”
“Fine are we? What’s the matter, Elle? Don’t want your fuck on the side finding out about us, huh?”
“What?” Elle gasped. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“YOU! And lover boy there.”
Oh shit.
“Kip… Ah, fuck. Dude… “
I didn’t see it coming, probably because I never expected it. Kip is my best friend. We’d never fought over anything. So I didn’t see his fist flying towards my face until it was only millimetres away from my nose.
“ENOUGH!” Jake roared about the same time spurts of blood started flying from my nose. “Isaac,” he continued, standing between us and separating us with his arms. “Let us into your goddamn room where we can discuss whatever the fuck is going on here like adults!”
“I’m going nowhere with him,” Kip spat. “I swear, mate, you need to get him the fuck away from me.”
“I don’t know what you think’s going on here, Kip, but-” Elle tried to explain but Kip cut her off.
“Sawyer’s filled me in about exactly what’s been going on so I don’t ‘think’ anything, you lying bitch! You told me you fucking loved me!”
Elle looked at me with a confused look on her face, sweeping the strands of hair that were sticking to her tearstained cheeks out of the way.
“Please, I can explain. Kip there’s nothing going on between me and Elle. I… I lied to you.”
“You WHAT?” Elle blasted. “Why the fuck would you tell him that, Sawyer?”
“Please can we just go inside?” I nodded my head past Kip towards the open door of his suite.
“This better be fucking good,” he agreed, seeming to have calmed down a little. Wiping the drips of blood off my nose with the back of my hand I followed Kip’s lead into his room with Jake and Elle coming in behind me. Jake closed the door behind him and then once again resumed position between Kip and me. “Go on then. Give me a reason why I shouldn’t break every one of your lying fucking teeth.”
“She was the first name that came into my head. You were pushing me to tell you who I was seeing! I didn’t want you to know so… so I lied about it. How the hell was I supposed to know there was something going on between you two?”
“Bullshit! Why wouldn’t you want me to know? We’ve never kept anything from each other. Besides, like I said at the time, I’d fucking know. It has to be someone who works with us. We’ve been on the road together for months. What’ve you been doing, huh? Carrying her around in your fucking suitcase?”
“He’s telling the truth, Isaac, I swear to you.” Elle risked a step forward and reached her hand out to cup one side of his face. “You’ve no idea how difficult it was for me to tell you I love you. It took me so long because I was afraid. I was terrified something would go wrong and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to cope with how much that’d hurt. But I risked it because it’s true. I do love you. I know you know that. I also know deep down you know Sawyer would never do something like that to you.”
Kip sighed, giving me hope we were getting somewhere. I couldn’t wrap my head around him and Elle being together and I wondered how long they’d been keeping it a secret. I was also feeling disappointed that she didn’t feel like she could tell me. I’m her best friend. I’m Kip’s best friend too. If I’m honest, it really fucking hurt that they didn’t tell me.
And that’s what made me take the biggest fucking leap of my life.
“Jake,” I said to Kip. “I’ve been seeing Jake.”
“Now’s not the time for taking the damn piss, Sawyer.” Kip stared at me with a scolding expression. When my face didn’t falter, he realised I was telling the truth. “Fuck me, you’re serious?”
“Yes.”
“You’re… I mean…you’re…”
“Gay. I’m gay.” As soon as I’d said it the air rushed from my lungs and it felt like the first decent breath I’d taken in years. It was in that moment I realised it was the first time I’d ever admitted it out loud.
“Jesus…” he breathed, scratching his head. “But… you fuck women. I’ve fucking seen you! And we’re not just talking the odd one either. You’ve fucked more chicks than I’ve had bottles of beer! How can you just turn gay all of a sudden?”
“It’s not all of a sudden. I think I’ve known my whole life. I just didn’t want to admit it.”
“Why? What the fuck difference would it have made?”
I couldn’t help exhale a small laugh. I’ve spent years feeling so damn ashamed of myself. Certain that others wouldn’t be able to run away fast enough. And Kip didn’t even care. I daren’t look at Jake in case he was wearing an ‘I told you so face’.
“I was scared, Kip. I still am. Look it’s a really long story but it’ll have to wait. We need to leave soon. But… I can’t go leaving things like this between us. You’re like a brother to me, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t confide in you and sorry I lied about Elle. I just… hell, Kip, I’m still trying to get used to the idea myself.”
“You were a fucking idiot for lying to me.”
“I know.”
“But you’re right. You are my brother.” I puffed out a relieved breath when I saw him take a stride towards me. He pulled me into a hug – not a usual guy hug, not a one-armed pat on the back kind of hug – but a full on hold with both arms wrapped right around me, crushing me to his chest. “You’re a fucking prick, Sawyer,” he said, never releasing his grip on me. “You can tell me anything, you stupid dick. You should’ve known that already.”
“I’m sorry.” What else could I say? Kip clapped my back, backing away from me. “And Elle…” I turned to her. “I owe you an apology too. If I’d known… It was a kneejerk reaction and I knew I’d fucked up the second I’d said it. But, in my defence, never in a million fucking years did I think you two would ever get together.”
“I’m sorry too, babe,” Kip apologised, taking hold of Elle’s hand. “I should’ve talked to you first. I should’ve trusted you enough to let you explain. I saw red. I panicked. I’m scared of losing you too.”
“Yeah, well,” she said. “Maybe we should’ve been honest too. In some way, we’re all partly to blame for this mess.”
“Just let me know when it’s time to whip out the violin, guys.” I turned to Jake, smiling at the sarcasm lacing his voice.
“So you’re a fairy-boy too, eh?” Kip teased. “I mean, as much of a surprise as it was, Sawyer’s a musician. Creative. He’s got style. That’s kind of an excuse right there. But you, man you’re like tough, and if I’m honest, a controlling arsehole most of the time. Never would’ve guessed it with you.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Jake replied with a lopsided smirk. “But for the record, my sexuality isn’t a secret. If anyone ever asks, I’ll only ever be upfront.”
“Maybe that douche over there can learn a thing or two from you then.” Kip cocked his head in my direction
“No, Kip. This can’t go public. You can’t tell anyone about this.”
“Umm, if that’s what you want then sure.” He drew his eyebrows together in confusion as he spoke. I didn’t expect Kip to understand why I was more comfortable living a lie. How could I? I didn’t even understand it myself. “So we’re all good?”
“We’re good,” I assured, bumping my fist with his. “We really do need to get going now though.”
“You’re going together aren’t you? To your place in the Lakes?”
“Yes,” I answer
ed after dragging in a deep breath. I still felt a sense of embarrassment when admitting out loud anything relating to my relationship with Jake. It was however, beginning to lessen. “Come here, gorgeous girl.” I pulled Elle in for a squeeze, whispering ‘sorry’ into her ear. When she pulled back she smiled up at me and I knew she’d both forgiven me and understood my reasons, even if she didn’t agree with them.
“We’re leaving for the airport in an hour,” Elle informed me. “LA was the plan anyway until you decided to dump me for a piece of ass.” She winked at me and I heard Jake chuckle quietly behind me, trying but failing to keep his usually impeccable calm. “So I guess we’ll see you when you get out there next week.”
“Sure thing,” I agreed, kissing her forehead. “What about Ryder?”
“He’s coming too. If he ever drags his lazy arse out of bed.”
Elle and Kip walked us out of their room, and as I crossed the large corridor to go and grab my guitar from my suite, a half naked Ryder stumbled out of his room, suctioned to a man twice his age, and not the same man from the club last night.
“Elle!” he called while still attached by the lips to the other man.
“Ryder we’re leaving in an hour!”
“I know, I know,” he said, releasing his prey. “I was just saying goodbye to, um… sorry what was your name again?”
“Dan,” mystery man spat, shaking his head. Ryder’s lips twisted into a pucker, the kind of expression that screamed ‘oops’, and before he could speak again ‘Dan’ was nowhere to be seen.
“Met him on Grindr. Cute huh?”
“I hope you’re being careful, Ry,” Elle chided as if she was his mother.
“Yes, Mum. Always wrap it before you tap it. Got it.”
“Besides, you can’t be bringing people up here without running it by security. Now go shower and get some bloody clothes on.” Winking, Ryder saluted her, laughing as he made his way back into his room.
Finally, after an hour of shit I most definitely wasn’t expecting, I got my guitar and Jake and I left for our week alone. I don’t think I’d ever needed anything so badly as I needed this week with him. I was about to find out what being in a relationship really involved, and whether I was cut out to do it.