by Nicola Haken
“I never did like that mother of his,” she chipped in. “Spouting all her religious crap. I remember her going into the school one day to demand they expel a young girl who’d gotten pregnant.”
“Oh, I think I remember that,” I said, nodding. “He loves her. I can’t understand how she could ever turn her back on him, but still I know she would.”
“Bring him here. Tonight. He can have dinner with us. It might help him to see what a real family is like. One that loves and supports each other no matter what.”
“I know he’s looking forward to seeing you all again, he still can’t believe Lily is so grown up, but once he finds out I’ve told you, I’m not sure he’ll be up for it.”
“Of course he will. If he loves you like you say he does, he’ll be here.”
“I’m getting the impression you’re not too sure about him.”
“He’s not good enough for you until he proves otherwise to me. I will make my decision when I’ve spent some time with him. I’ve not seen him since he was, what, sixteen? Seventeen? He was a nice boy, but he wasn’t holding my son’s heart in his hands back then.”
“We’ll be here,” I decided in that moment. “I don’t know what the plans for the rest of the day are yet so I can’t give you a time, but I’ll call you later.”
“Perfect,” she smiled. “Now, are you staying for some lunch?”
“Best not. I should really go and tell Sawyer about tonight – give him a few hours to get used to the idea.” Downing the last of my can, I started walking out of the kitchen. That’s when I spotted Lily hiding behind the doorframe. “How long have you been there?”
“Umm, kinda the whole time.”
“Lily, this can’t go any further,” I said sternly. “Do you understand?”
“I’m not a kid, Jake, even though you think I am. I won’t screw this up for you.”
“I mean it, Lily. Not even Katie is allowed to know about this.”
“I get it! I promise, I won’t say anything to anyone. I know famous people have to do things different to the rest of us. I’ve not seen you smile so wide in forever as when you told Mum he loved you. I wouldn’t mess that up.”
“Wow. You really have grown up without me noticing haven’t you?”
“But while it’s just us, can I just say… Oh. My. God. My brother is boning thee Sawyer Knight!
“Lily!” Mum scolded. “Language!”
“Sorry, Mum. But seriously, this is huuuuuuge. Okay, I’ve got it out of my system. Lips are sealed.” She pulled an imaginary zipper across her lips, making me smile. My family are amazing. The fact I was gay didn’t even blip on their radar. They’ve never had any expectations of me – well my dad sure knew how to crack the whip when I worked for him, but that was business. Overall, they just want me to be happy. I can’t wait for Sawyer to feel part of that tonight.
“Okay, I’ll call you this afternoon,” I said to my mum, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “And, Lils, I’ll put the guys on the phone when I ring.”
“Eeeeeek! I’m so excited!”
“Wait,” Mum called when I reached the door. “He’s not a vegetarian is he? I know a lot of these celebrities are into stupid fad diets.”
“No, Mum. He eats pretty much anything,” I assured her. “Just stick some steaks on the grill. No need to go to too much trouble.”
“Okay, sweetheart. I’ll see you later.”
Closing the door behind me, I smiled up at the crystal blue sky. Tonight Sawyer would be with me and my family, and I would be free to just love him, out in the open surrounded by people who wouldn’t judge us.
“Fuck am I glad to be outta there,” Sawyer said as he slipped in the passenger seat of my rented car. We were setting off to my parents for dinner. Matt and Gavin had been making plans to go out tonight, which naturally involved lots of talk about tits and pussy. Originally, our plan was to keep the guys as hidden as we could, but when we landed at Sydney airport we were met with a mob of press. I always knew the chance of getting them here unnoticed was slim, but still we all worked hard on keeping it all clandestine. So now we’re here, there really is no point in stopping them going out and enjoying themselves.
“Um, Sawyer?” We were driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge and Sawyer was admiring the scenery from his window. When I said his name, my voice nervous and uneven, he turned to look at me. “I told my mum about us.”
“You did what?” He looked surprised, but not angry. I could work with surprised. “Why’d you do that?”
“Because she’s my mum. Because she knew something was wrong with me. Because I love you and I’ve been so desperate to share that with someone.”
“And why are you only telling me this now? When we’re on our way to see them!”
“Because I knew you’d either worry about it all afternoon or make up an excuse so you didn’t have to come. But my family isn’t like yours, Sawyer. I want us to go in there and just be ourselves. The fact you’re a guy doesn’t mean shit to them. It’ll be no different than if I were bringing a girl home. They accepted me from the start, and they’ll accept you too. You don’t need to pretend for them.”
“So this is like a real meet the parents situation. Fuck, you know how to make me nervous.”
“Sawyer, you’ve met my parents hundreds of times before.”
“That was before I was fucking their son. Or before the whole world knew who I was. What if they hate me? I’m damn sure I wouldn’t want my kid dating someone who had a new scandal in the papers every other week.”
“They’re not the type to believe everything they read in the press. Besides, no story lasts more than a week. Look at all those guys coming out saying they’d slept with you. That’s all disappeared and we didn’t even have to do anything.”
If those stories would’ve continued, we had the paperwork in place ready to sue them for slander. But as I suspected, it all blew over in a couple of days.
Sawyer was quiet for the rest of the drive. Occasionally I would pull my eyes from the road just long enough to glance at him, and more often than not he was fiddling with the same strand of loose thread on his jeans. The man sitting next to me could dominate an entire arena filled with thousands of people, yet here he was, squirming in his seat from sheer nerves. I’ve come to learn though that the Sawyer on stage is an act, a persona. The real Sawyer is quite timid. He’s shy, romantic, and terrified of exposing his true self to the world. I feel proud and privileged to know the man behind the fame, to hold him in my arms, to kiss him and make love to him.
“Here we are,” I announced, cutting the engine after parking next to my father’s car.
“Wow,” he breathed, clicking off his seatbelt. “Seeing this place… it makes me feel so many regrets.”
“Why?” I asked, confusion making my voice a notch higher.
“I should’ve been a part of this,” he started to explain, gesturing around him with his hands. “You were my best friend. I should’ve been coming out here during the holidays. We would’ve hung out, played music, talked about random shit. I screwed it up.”
“Everything happens for a reason, Sawyer. You weren’t ready to accept who you were back then, and to be honest, I’m not sure how long I could’ve carried on pretending I was happy just being your friend. I think we would’ve eventually clashed either way. Now is our time, and I really believe it was always meant to be this way.”
“Oh my God!” We both turned at the sound of Lily’s voice. I was starting to wonder if she’d taken something – she’d been high as a kite all day over speaking to the guys on the phone earlier. “Wow,” she sighed, eyeing Sawyer up and down. “You’re even hotter in real life.”
“Hey, Lils, I think you’ve got a bit of drool there,” I teased, dabbing the corner of her mouth with my finger.
“Stuff off, Jake. Can I touch your hair?” she asked Sawyer.
“His hair?”
“I want to see if that bit of fringe that always falls across his
eyes is as soft as it looks in the magazines.”
“Um, sure you can,” Sawyer agreed, bending down a little. I rolled my eyes, laughing in amusement as Lily fingered my lover’s hair.
“God my brother is so lucky.” Sawyer noticeably tensed at my sister’s statement. His back straightened and he tugged down his tight-fitting white t-shirt, clearing his throat. “Don’t worry. I’ve been sworn to secrecy. Though you really shouldn’t worry, you know. Your fans adore you. They won’t care. Trust me.”
I was so proud of Lily in that moment. Her words instantly brought a smile to Sawyer’s face, erasing the lines of worry that had been etched onto his face since I told him my family knew about us.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s head inside.”
Chapter Fifteen
As soon as we were in the hallway with the door closed behind us and out of public view, Jake took hold of my hand. I looked up at him apprehensively, but after he gave me an encouraging nod my fingers tightened around his. He led me out into the back garden where his dad was busy prodding the coals on the barbecue.
“Jake,” his dad said, putting his tongs down as he approached us. “How are you, son?” He gave him a one armed hug, patting his back.
“I’m great. Dad, this is Sawyer.”
“I know who he is, Jake,” his dad said, tutting at him. “Good to see you again, buddy,” he added, offering a hand for me to shake.
“You too, Mr Reed.”
“Please, call me Martin.”
“Oh you’re here!” Jake’s mum, Emma, said, walking through the patio doors carrying a crate of beer. “I didn’t hear you arrive.”
“Hey, Emma,” I said warmly, taking the cans from her. I was comfortable calling her by her first name. I always did when we were kids. She was like the mother I always secretly wanted. When I’d lowered the beers onto the garden table I brought her in for a hug. “It’s been way too long.”
“Aw, sweetheart. You’re exactly the same boy I used to know.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t be?” I asked curiously, releasing her from my arms.
“Honestly? Yes. You’re a completely different person on TV. I suppose I assumed fame as great as yours was bound to change someone.”
“A lot of it’s an act,” I admitted. “You give the fans what you know they want. No one out there gives a shit about the real you. It’s a very fickle industry.”
“And you’re okay with that? Doesn’t sound like much fun.”
“I do it for the music,” I shrugged. “Sometimes it’s been the only thing to keep me going.”
Wow. Did I really just say that out loud? Talk about bringing the mood down.
“I can’t help finding that really sad,” she said, her face melting into a frown.
“I can’t complain. I’ve experienced so many amazing things in my life. Sure, the industry has its drawbacks, but I’m still a very lucky man.”
When I said that, Jake snaked his arm around my waist, pulling me a little closer to him. My instinctive reaction was to pull away and scowl at him, but I fought it. I took a deep breath, remembered how much I loved him and how much everyone here loved him too, and I relaxed into his hold. He smiled up at me proudly, and I even caught Emma smiling subtly as she turned towards the cans of beer. She plucked two from the tray, handing one to me and then one to Jake.
“Can I get one of those too?” Lily asked, biting her lip in anticipation of her mum’s answer.
“You can have half,” she said firmly. Lily grinned, taking a can from Emma and then pouring half into one of the tall glasses laid out on the table.
I was nervous as hell when I first walked into their house, but after just half an hour of being with these wonderful people I was completely at ease. We talked about the past, memories from our childhood, we discussed my career – most of which left Lily’s mouth wide open in awe – and I even found myself touching and smiling at Jake without a second thought. It was little things like resting my hand on his knee while we talked, bumping my shoulder with his while we laughed, and when he offered me a forkful of his steak that had a different marinade than mine, I didn’t hesitate to taste it as he popped it in my mouth, grinning at me like he…well like he loved me.
After finishing up the barbecue we all headed inside. We spent the evening pretty much the same way – chatting, laughing, swapping stories. After a few hours Emma excused herself to go and clean up the dishes left over from dinner. Giving Jake’s knee a tender squeeze, I followed his mum out into the kitchen.
“You wash, I’ll dry,” I offered, taking the tea-towel off the counter.
“Don’t be silly, Sawyer. You’re our guest.”
“Don’t give me that, Emma. You didn’t used to mind when we were kids. In fact, I think I remember you threatening to confiscate Jake’s Nintendo once if we didn’t help.”
She laughed at the memory and then handed me the first clean plate. I dried it off with the towel, placed it on the counter and held my hand out for the next one.
“Sawyer,” she said my name with such seriousness and concern in her sweet voice that I knew exactly what was coming. “I need to know, do you love my boy?”
I drew in a deep breath, feeling caught off guard. This wasn’t the kind of thing I’d ever discussed with anyone but Jake and naturally my heart sped up with nerves.
“Yes,” I replied with certainty. “I promise you, Emma, he means the world to me. When I’m with him, I’m so happy. I can be myself. He’s changed me irrevocably. He makes me want to be better. He makes me believe I can be better.”
“I just don’t want him to get hurt. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.”
“I would never hurt him.”
“You already are.” Her words winded me as if she’d just punched me in the gut. I raised my eyebrows, astounded. I’d hurt him? How? “Jake is a romantic man by nature. He wants to love you, Sawyer. He wants to take you out, wine and dine you, steal kisses from you in the middle of the day. Will you ever be ready to give that to him?”
“I want to so badly. Believe me I do.”
“But you can’t?”
“No. Not right now,” I admitted and I felt like the asshole I really was. She was right. I’m stringing Jake along. I’ve told him I will come out, tell the world about us… but right now, I don’t have any intention of doing that. I just…can’t.
“Don’t string him along, Sawyer. I ask as his mother. I love him and I’ve watched him hurt over you for too long. Please, don’t hurt my boy.”
“Wow.” Jake’s voice came out of nowhere and I turned around, startled, and saw him standing in the doorway. “I didn’t know you were a such a domestic god,” he teased, winking at me. Shit. How long had he been standing there? His expression was oblivious so I hoped that meant he hadn’t overheard our conversation.
“I have many hidden talents,” I replied with a smile.
“I have no doubt. Hey, Mum, we really need to get going now.”
Emma removed her hands from the soapy water, drying them off on a towel. She walked over to Jake and wrapped her arms around him.
“Okay, sweetheart,” she said, squeezing him a little tighter before letting him go. “Make sure you come back here before you leave.”
“Of course I will. We’re here for another week yet. Possibly longer. I’ll go and say goodbye to Dad.”
Jake left the kitchen to find his father, leaving me and Emma alone, drowning in a pool of awkward silence. My heart stuttered when Emma approached me, putting her hands on my shoulders.
“For what it’s worth, I believe you. I’ve seen the way you look at him. You love him. I don’t doubt it. Just…try, Sawyer. Be brave. Be honest. Be proud of who you are. You deserve that as much as Jake does.”
“I will,” I sighed. “Believe me when I say I just want to make him as happy as he makes me.”
“Then you know what you need to do.”
“Thank you, Emma. I really have missed you.”
“Let’s not leave it too long again, hmm?”
“No. Definitely not.” Without even thinking, I hugged her. I squeezed all the love, respect and gratefulness I held onto her and then I let her go, kissing her cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered. In those two simple words I was thanking her for everything. Thanking her for being a mother to me when I was young, thanking her for forgiving me for the way I treated Jake all those years ago, for accepting me, for letting me back into her life, for creating Jake… for making me feel like I might just have the courage I need so badly right now if I look deep inside myself.
In that moment Jake and Martin walked into the kitchen.
“You ready?”
“Yeah,” I said, giving Emma one last grateful smile. “Goodbye, Martin.” I proffered my hand, which he accepted.
“Come back soon, boys,” he said, and something inside me began to warm. The way he referred to us as ‘boys’, something in his tone made it sound so endearing. I’d never really felt like part of a family until tonight and as Jake and I left his parents home, I spent the entire time praying for the strength not to let them down.
“Where are you going?” I asked, puzzled when I noticed Jake driving in the wrong direction for the hotel.
“I booked us into a different hotel for the night. Told everyone we were staying at my parents.”
Wow.
“And don’t worry, babe. They all know we grew up together, so wanting to catch up with my family doesn’t look suspicious.”
“I-I wasn’t going to say that.”
“But you were thinking it. I know you, remember? Better than anyone.”
He was right of course. The second the surprise registered my first thought was what would the guys thinking of us spending the night away together. How am I supposed to do this?
“I’m sorry, Jake. I’m sorry I’m putting you through all this shit.”
“You’re not putting me through anything,” he assured, keeping his eyes on the road as he took hold of my hand on top of my knee. “I’ve told you, I’ll wait forever if that’s what it takes.”