by Nicola Haken
“So you got me out of bed with Belle for nothing? Fuck you, man.”
Matt and Belle have been inseparable since they met. He flew her out here with us when we returned and so far, in his words, he can’t imagine another pussy tasting sweeter than hers.
“This is serious,” I said, causing Claire’s eyes to widen. “I’ve been thinking. In fact, I’ve been doing nothing else. “I think… I think I’m done, guys.”
“Done?” Claire repeated. “What do you mean you’re ‘done’?”
“I’ve reached the end of the road. We’ve had ten amazing years together, but I don’t think I want another ten.”
“You’re not serious!” Claire snapped. “You’re being irrational. The last few months would test anyone, Sawyer. Once Jerry’s been sentenced and this is all over you’ll-”
“It’s got nothing to do with that,” I interjected. “I’ve had ten amazing years with you guys and I love every single one of you like my own family. We’ve spent year after year doing what we adore, we’ve experienced so much, gained so much… but I’ve always been kinda lost. Fame and music were the only things I lived for, I didn’t know anything beyond that even existed for guys like us. But now… I’ve learned so much this last few months, about life, about myself. I’m tired, guys. Tired of living for the rest of the world. I’m sick of being on show. I just want to live at my own pace, enjoy the smaller things that we don’t get to experience anymore.”
“Like grocery shopping,” Gavin said, smiling as if he understood. “Running for the paper. Getting’ a dog because you know you’ll be stickin’ around the same place long enough. Yeah… I get it, man.”
“You know,” Daz chipped in. “I’ve been putting off saying but, well since I found out Dana was pregnant, I’ve kinda been thinking the same thing. She needs me, the kid’s going to need me. This isn’t the life I want for them.”
“I think Kerry would be pleased,” Gavin said. “Since I proposed she keeps dropping not so subtle hints about wanting kids.”
“What about you, Matt. What do you think?”
“I think… I think I can’t believe this is over.” Emotion swelled inside my chest when I noticed the rims of Matt’s eyes starting to redden. It was the first human emotion I’d ever seen him show. “We’re… us. We’re a team. You guys are my brothers. How the fuck are we supposed to go our separate ways?”
“We’ll always be a family,” I assured him. “Just with less travel and less chaos.”
“Elle and I have discussed this recently too,” Kip admitted, looking straight at me.
“Guys…” Claire practically whispered, her eyes glistening with tears that hadn’t found the courage to fall yet. “You’re… you’re really serious, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” I answered. “Yeah I think we are.”
“So what next?” Matt questioned. “We talk to Pete?”
“Um, well,” Claire stuttered, her face pale with shock. “Y-yes. Of course we’ll need to talk to Pete. There’s a lot to sort through, a lot to plan. You can’t just bow out, you know that right?”
“Of course,” I agreed.
“We’ll need to finish this album, make it a farewell one. Plan a final tour. Talk about your futures, arrange appearances and announcements.”
“Sooo, this is it?” Kip said, exhaling a long sigh. “Souls of the Knight are no more.”
“No,” I disagreed. “We’ll always be a band. You guys are my life, that will never change.”
“Well,” Claire began. “I suppose I’d best start making some calls,” she added, sighing dejectedly. “And for the record, guys, you’re my family too.” She walked out of the room, heading towards the outside pool area, before any of us could respond.
Guilt simmered in my veins. She’d dedicated the last nine years of her life to us since joining the team a year after our first hit. In many ways she’s like our surrogate mother. She’s bossy, condescending but she always looks out for us. She’d never married, had kids, spending every waking hour managing us or sorting out our shit. Now we were quitting, moving on with new people, who would she have?
She’ll have us, that’s who. I meant what I said. This band and everyone involved with us are a family, and I would give up my life before I’d let that change.
“Are we all okay?” I asked, addressing everyone.
“Feels kinda surreal,” Gavin said, and I noticed the other guys nodding in understanding. “We’ve had a fucking blast though, haven’t we?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Even with Matt in the band,” I joked. Matt threw a cushion my way, sulking as he missed me completely.
We spent the next hour or so swapping memories, laughing, insulting each other’s past mistakes. Then, when it was time for me to get ready for my appearance on the Levi Davidson show, we all stood up in unison, gathering in the middle of the room. I opened my arms, my heart ballooning with love and awe for these four guys who have been with me through everything. One by one they followed my lead until we ended up in a scrum, arms locked together, heads down.
“I fuckin’ love you guys,” I said. “I wouldn’t have wanted to share this life with anyone but you.”
“Hear, hear,” Kip chirped, breaking the scrum and offering his hand for a round of high fives.
In just a couple of hours the course of my future had been completely upturned. I was as afraid as I was excited, but when Jake entered the room, coming up behind me and pressing a kiss to my shoulder, I knew whatever was in store for me would be fucking amazing.
After showering and changing I called Elle, filling her in about our decision. Of course she questioned it, made sure it wasn’t impulsive, but after explaining like I did to the guys she was behind me one hundred percent. She’s flying out next week, after some hairdressing awards ceremony she’d been banging on about for months, and for the first time she was bringing her sister Kylie out with her.
She’s just finished school for the summer and has been having a hard time with their mum. Elle thinks showing her a bit of the world will show her that there’s a whole life ahead of her, where she can achieve anything she sets her mind to. Elle and I have both been in Kylie’s position, living with a parent who doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s easy to believe that’s all life has to offer, especially when most people on the estate stay there, getting pissed, procreating and sponging off the state until they die.
The topic of conversation led me to my own mother. As soon as I knew Jake had pulled through after the shooting, I tried to contact her, tell her what was happening before she saw it on the news. I can only assume I was too late seeing as she never took any of my calls and hasn’t attempted to get in touch herself.
I asked if Elle had seen her, if she knew how she was. All she could offer me was an apology, which clearly translated to the fact my mother has given up on me. It hurts, possibly more than she deserves, but she’s still my mother. When you’re a kid there’s no one more important than your mum. I still remember her singing me lullabies and kissing my grazed knees.
“You ready to head off?” Jake asked, entering the bedroom. “Neil’s outside.”
“Sure,” I replied, although I don’t think I’d ever been quite so un-ready in my life.
We travelled to the TV studio with Neil and Claire sitting up front, while Jake held my hand in his, sitting with me in the back. On arrival, we were met with a sea of screaming fans. I took my time walking past the crowd, stopping for autographs and photos and for the first time spending a little extra time to chat with some of them. I’d miss this… the knowledge that our music brought so many people together. I absorbed every second of the crazy atmosphere as studio staff escorted us into the building.
From this moment on, I would appreciate every single moment of this lifestyle, knowing it was coming to an end.
Once inside I was taken through to makeup where two women fussed with my hair and layered my face in powder. Soon enough I was taken through to the studio, pausing outsi
de the door until the recording light flashed red. I heard Levi announce my name, and then I was given the go ahead by a guy wearing a headset to go on through.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, Sawyer Knight!” he called out to the audience. They clapped and cheered for me as I made my way onto the set, offering them a smile and a wave before sitting down on the couch adjacent to Levi’s desk.
Levi broke me in slowly, asking me the usual list of questions about the band and our plans, many of which I was forced to dodge after our meeting this morning.
“So,” Levi started, his face turning serious. I guessed now we were getting to the reason I was actually here. “You’ve had quite a tough couple of months. There’s been a lot of press, a lot of rumours surrounding you and your sexuality. Would you like to share your side of the story with us?”
“I’ve fallen in love, that’s really all there is to tell,” I admitted, feeling unexpectedly proud. “Yes, I’ve fallen in love with another man. He’s been my best friend since we were kids, he knows me absolutely, my best parts and my worse. If loving him makes people turn away from me, so be it. He makes me happy, end of story. End of rumours.”
“You talk of people turning away from you, are you referring to your mother?”
What the hell?
“We’ve actually been given an advanced copy of tomorrow’s Daily Record, which has an interview with your mother inside.”
I saw Claire appear at the side of the stage, off camera and out of view of the audience. She was slicing her throat with her flattened hand, silently signalling them to cease filming. Clearly, this revelation was as much of a surprise to her as it was to me, and that she was most certainly not happy about. She looked directly at me, assessing my reaction with her eyes. I nodded once, ensuring her that I was okay to continue. It was evident from the scowl on her face though, that someone would be getting some serious shit off her very soon.
“Are you aware of what it says?” Levi continued.
“No,” I stated, taking a deep breath in preparation.
“She calls you and your lifestyle an abomination. She says that she has disowned you, that you are no longer her son. How would you like to respond to that?”
“If she’s watching, I would like to say…” I turned to the camera facing me, talking directly to her. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you can’t bring yourself to understand, or accept me. I’m sorry I’m not enough for you, but I will never be sorry for falling in love, for finding the kind of connection some people spend their whole lives trying to find without success. I might no longer be a son to you, but you will always be my mum.”
The audience clapped and Levi smiled encouragingly at me. When I looked to the back of the set I saw Jake standing there, dressed in a crisp black suit, as usual, leaning against one of the prop walls. I smiled unconsciously, tears pricking the back of my eyes. Levi’s voice brought my attention back to him as he asked his final question.
“So, tell me. What’s it like being Sawyer Knight?”
“Awesome. Of course it is. I’m a very lucky guy.”
I gave the same robotic answer I’d been trained to give a thousand times, but for the very first time in my existence, I meant every single world.
The End
You’ve just met Ryder Richardson in Being Sawyer Knight. Stay tuned for his story – Taming Ryder - with special guest appearances from the rest of the gang, coming Summer 2014!
Acknowledgements
This is the hardest part of writing a book. I’m always scared I’m going to forget to mention someone important! If I do, then it’s because I’m a noob, and I still love you!
Okay, pull up a chair and pour yourself a drink… this could be a long one.
I’d like to start with my oldest, gayest, most fabulous friend, Paul Horrocks, also known as Luap, Poel, mofo, wabbit…Don’t ask me why. He’s just one of those crazy people you learn to accept! Thank you for all the tips and advice, you know, seeing as I don’t have my own cock ;-)
Next I’d like to thank my amazing friend Emma Clark. She is one of the reasons being in this game is so worth it. She read one of my books, stalked me a little (yep, I’m cool enough to be stalked! Go me!) and we got chatting and realised we lived pretty close to each other. A day hasn’t gone by since where we haven’t spoken – usually about utter filth Thank you for your friendship, taking me on hot dates, your help promoting me, making my teasers, brainstorming with me… You have helped me so much since we met and when I’m with you EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! ;-)
Now I need to thank my beta readers. Thank you for lending me your keen eyes, catching my mistakes and being honest with me. Keeley Wall, Karen Peacock, Emma Clark, Heather Reed, Autumn Thibault, Caroline Lindkvist, Claire Pengelly, Stacey Mosteller, Vanessa Morse– I love you guys! You’re all exactly my brand of awesomeness
I’d like to thank all the amazing bloggers of the world now. I truly believe I would be nothing and nowhere without their support. They read, review, pimp, recommend, and work bloody hard to support authors and spread their name for no other reason than they’re awesome! Emthebookbabe’s Book Blog, Holly’s Hot Reads, The Book Trollop, The Book Enthusiast, Mia’s Point of View, Rumpled Sheets Book Blog, Tanya - The Book Obsessed Momma, A Pair of Oakies, I Dare You to Read…thank you for your support, pimping and amazing words! I’m sure there are so many more, and this is the part I hate! If I haven’t mentioned you, that doesn’t mean I don’t love and appreciate everything you do. Oh, and Kristy Louise from Book Addict Mumma – thank you for your info about Sydney!
I HAVE to thank my fantabulous street team – Nicola Haken ~ Dirty Dolls! Thank you for reading and loving my books, for sharing, pimping and joining in the fun! You guys are the reason I write and you have no idea how much I appreciate you
Time to thank my favourite group on Facebook now – Nicola’s CockyBitches! I made this group for the dirtier members of my street team I don’t think I have ever laughed so much, drooled so much, or discussed so much filth in my life before I created this group. It’s FANTASTIC and so much fun! Slowly but surely, I am converting my members to gay porn, particular CockyBoys, addicts like myself, and I can share my love of Jake Bass with them until my heart’s content without them wanting to punch me in the face. At least I don’t think they do… CockyBitches if you’re reading, do you want to punch me in the face? If I waffle on about Jake too much just tell me and I’ll stop. KIDDING! That is never going to happen! So thank you, girls… oh and Luap, our resident gay! Thank you for all the fun, friendship and downright FILTHY pictures!
Thank You to Debra at Book Enthusiast Promotions for all your hard work and support. You’ve been amazing organizing my tours, cover reveals and all that promotional shizz from the beginning. You’re also a pretty damn awesome friend and I love being your Queen Bitch!
Kelly Micklefield – also known as – Kelly with the jelly belly who walks around in smelly wellies – thank you for bringing fun to my evenings (when I should be writing!). No one knows how to talk shit (literally) like you ;-)
Now for my wonderful family – my husband and my four children. Thank you for your love, support and encouragement. You guys are my world and I adore you so much. Big hugs and sloppy kisses for all of you!
Holly Baker – my fantabulous new editor! Not only do you have a fab eye for detail and have helped me make this book the best it can be, but you’re also a great friend – even when you’re threatening me with violence ;-) I can’t thank you enough for all your support these last few months. I love you!
Last but not least, my readers – old and new – THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. This being an author shizzle wouldn’t be possible with you. I thank you for every book you’ve read, every review, every rating, every kind word, every everything! Whenever I hear back from one of my readers it never fails to surprise me and put a huge grin on my face (unless they’re slating me of course, then I just think ‘fuck off, you nob’). Sometimes I genuinel
y have to take a moment to compose myself. It’s like, whooooa… someone has actually read my book. It’s an amazing feeling and one I will never get used to, nor tire of. So thank you, thank you, thank you!
When I published my first book just over a year ago, I never could’ve imagined what an amazing journey I was about to embark on. It’s so much more than just the writing. The book world is an incredible place to be a part of and I have made so many new, genuine and lifelong friends along the way. Authors, bloggers, readers…so many of them have become such important people in my life, and I feel truly honoured to be where I am right now.
So, thank you. If we’ve ever spoken, exchanged a message, comment, tweet, or even if you’ve just given me a ‘like’… thank you. You make this experience incredible, and I love and appreciate every single one of you.
Big hugs and saucy licks for all ;-)
About the Author
Okay, let’s get the boring stuff out of the way first. I live in Rochdale, UK, with my husband and four little shi- um, I mean angels. We have two pretty mean looking, but adorable rescue dogs – Gio and Pippa, and I kind of want a cat but I’ve not told the hubs that yet
Now for the things that make me me! I like to do things a little different, so instead of boring you with a tonne of paragraphs – here’s some fun facts instead!
1. I am a tattoo-a-holic
2. I am a Pepsi Max-a-holic
3. I am a CockyBoys-a-holic
4. I am a Jake Bass-a-holic
5. I am a potato-a-holic – mashed, chipped, baked, roasted, boiled…I NEED them in my life
6. I like saying a-holic
7. I don’t like even numbers
8. I can’t eat with metal spoons. Not for a medical reason, just because I’m weird.
9. I have a filthy mind and an even filthier mouth (make of that what you will )