by J
Raul looked at her blankly as the footsteps outside grew ever louder.
“Jump to it, Raul! Don’t worry about what’s out there, just listen to my voice. It will be like we’re cooking in the kitchen—except, instead of cakes, we’re making my famous flaming torches. Come on, now, follow the recipe. Rags! Oil! Canes!”
Raul jumped into action. “Yes, Lady Coco!” He considered her list. “How about dish towels, barbecue lighter fluid, and broom handles?”
“Perfect!” Lady Coco tried to smile brightly, but her smile dissolved into a wince.
“What am I thinking?” said Raul. “You are wounded. You must take the weight off your leg.” He found some pillows that had not been burned and arranged them into a monkey-size mattress near the fireplace. “Rest while you can. Tell us what to do and we’ll follow your instructions.”
For once, Lady Coco didn’t argue.
She lay back on the pillows and supervised as Raul, Max, and Hermanjilio assembled an impressive stash of homemade torches.
“I hope we have made them to your satisfaction,” said Raul.
Lady Coco nodded weakly.
“Light alone will not repel them,” said Lord 6-Dog. “We must arm ourselves for combat.”
Max surveyed the collection of conquistador weaponry that lined his uncle’s walls. He wondered if antique Spanish steel would be effective against the creatures of the Maya underworld.
Raul, still fragile after his encounter with the centipede, chose a full suit of armor. He could hardly move and wouldn’t be much use in a battle, but maybe, Max thought, the sight of an entirely metal man would be terrifying enough in its own right to a primitive ogre.
Lord 6-Dog took a dagger to use as a short sword. Max and Hermanjilio settled on swords, pikes, and breastplates. From her bed on the pillows, Lady Coco requested a slingshot.
All the while, the beating of bat wings outside the windows and the scratching of bat claws against the doors intensified into a rhythm like the drums of war.
Lord 6-Dog sniffed the air. “And so it begins,” he said. He pointed up to the ceiling. “The Ookol Pixan have arrived.”
“Ock-ole pee-shan?” Max directed his flashlight up to the rafters. There, in the shadows where the wall met the ceiling, sat a tiny, almost transparent man. He was bald with long, pointed ears and a sharp nose. Max ran the flashlight over the rest of the beams. More little men squatted like toads at the ends of every one.
“Who are they?” he demanded. “How did they get in?”
“They enter where they please,” explained Lord 6-Dog. “They are the soul stealers. They appear when a human is about to die.”
CHAPTER FOUR
THE MONSTER PARADE
“Shoo! Get out of here!” shouted Max at the ghostly beings in the rafters, aiming a pike like a javelin at the nearest one.
Lord-6 Dog stayed his arm. “Save thy strength, young lord. The soul stealers cannot hurt thee, not while thou art still alive. They are like vultures. They watch and wait.”
And then it started.
BOOOM!
The house shook from top to bottom as if a colossal wrecking ball had been aimed at its walls.
BOOOM!
Deep cracks spread across the plaster.
BOOOM!
One wall of the great hall exploded, hurling stones across the room. Through the gaping hole Max could see what looked like two trees carrying a huge uprooted trunk between them. “The trees are attacking us?”
“Not trees. Ogres!” Lord 6-Dog shouted over the din.
Again and again, the tree-like ogres pounded on the wall with their makeshift battering ram. When the dust cleared, they left behind an opening big enough for a school bus.
Raul, in his suit of armor, clanked into position in front of Lady Coco, ready to defend her.
“Here we go,” said Hermanjilio, lighting torches and passing them around.
Formations of vampire bats poured through the hole like dive bombers. The air was a blur. Within minutes, anything that remained of Uncle Ted’s precious antiques collection was dripping with tarry black bat guano.
There was a horrible ripping sound as a large chunk of ceiling fell in.
Max looked up, expecting to see Mesa-hol.
But to his surprise, it was quite a different bird.
This one had little flint daggers all over its body in place of feathers. It landed on a Persian rug, its beating wings grinding like scissors on a sharpener. Within seconds the rug was shredded into strips. The bats (and Max) shrank back from the bird, squeaking in terror.
Max looked at Lord 6-Dog.
“The bird of blades? Its name is Waay-Pop.”
“What does that mean?” asked Max distractedly.
“It means,” said Lord 6-Dog, “that the stories of my ancestors have come back to haunt us. Like all witches and monsters and demons, that bird was invented long ago by a mortal telling tales by candlelight.”
“Are you saying I’m imagining it?” asked Max.
“I am saying that it feeds on thy fear.”
An enormous black-and-white-striped lizard with a bright pink underbelly strutted into the room. It had a knot tied into its tail, and it whipped it from side to side.
Lord 6-Dog gripped his sword. “Ix Humpetz’ K’in. The knot in its tail is to flay thee, but what it likes best is to bite thy shadow.”
The lizard flicked its forked pink tongue menacingly at Max and took up a position at the end of the room like a game show contestant standing on a pre-arranged mark.
After that, it began to feel like some kind of grotesque beauty pageant, where every new contender was uglier than the last.
Next came a man made of stone with a vulture sitting on his forehead. Scorpions nested in his mossy green dreadlocks and small lizards crawled between his toes. His fingernails were as long and curved as scimitars. He took his place next to the lizard.
Max looked questioningly at Lord 6-Dog.
“They call him Unik-Tuun-Uh. He is the agent of death.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” said Max
Lord 6-Dog shrugged. “He is just one more simpleton who fears courage and light. Ignore him.”
“But his vulture is staring at me like it wants to eat me.”
“It is a vulture. What dost thou expect?”
“Vultures are supposed to wait till you’re dead,” Max pointed out.
“Ah,” said Lord 6-Dog, with one eye on a large ash-colored snake that was slithering into the room, “Eek’ Unehil can help thee there.” The snake paused in front of Max and raised its black forked tail menacingly. “Its delight would be to suffocate thee by forcing the twin tips of its tail up thy nostrils.”
“Please tell me you’re making this up,” said Max.
“Unfortunately not, young lord. And here comes Wawa’ Pach.”
A giant with the hooded eyes of a snake marched in and stood with his legs wide apart, arms folded, head in the rafters. He smiled at Max, revealing three tongues like knives, and twirled a necklace of glistening brown blobs.
“I know I’ll regret asking,” said Max. “But what’s that on his necklace?”
“Human kidneys. The kidneys of the crushed. He stands like an arch and waits for humans to walk between his legs. Then he crushes them and threads their kidneys on strings like beads.”
“Make it stop,” Max begged Lord 6-Dog. “Can’t you just ask them what they want?”
“Cover thine eyes!” commanded Lord 6-Dog as a shaggy black animal with horns and a twisted corkscrew neck entered the room.
“Is that a sheep?” asked Max through his fingers.
“It is the goat-witch. If thou shouldst look into its eyes, thou wilt lose thy mind.”
“I feel like I’ve lost it already,” said Max. “What’s happening now?”
“The goat-witch is moving to the back to make room for the new arrivals.”
“Not more? Where are they all coming from?”
“From th
e depths of hell,” replied Lord 6-Dog.
He pointed at the incoming monsters with his dagger, like a herald announcing new arrivals at a ball. “That’s Ah Wayak’, who will break thy bones … Waal Am Paca, who will capture thy soul, but can only hold one soul at once … and here comes K’aak’asbal.”
The assembly fell silent as the ugliest creature Max had ever seen stepped through the hole in the wall. It was a hairy monster, rather like the chief wild thing in Where the Wild Things Are. But this one was covered in random arms and legs. Worse still, in between the limbs and hair hung assorted hearts and lungs and livers. His tail draped behind him like a snake. Nothing about him made sense. It was as if a blindfolded kindergarten class had drawn him into being.
“That’s the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Max.
“They call him ‘the sum of all malignancies.’ ” He is a walking war zone. Those organs that hang off his skin are from different animals that hate each other.”
K’aak’asbal stood perfectly still, while his stolen organs throbbed and pulsed.
“What do they want?” Max was trying to sound brave, but his knees were weak. “Why are they all just standing around?”
“I can only assume that they are following orders.”
“Whose orders?”
“That is the question.”
While the major monsters resumed their acquaintance with each other, mingling like guests at a party, an entourage of hangers-on slimed in—giant brown toads with bulging yellow eyes, hairy spiders as big as cats, angry-looking moths, more lizards, more scorpions, more snakes—a slithering horde of snakes.
Yet none of the creatures took any notice of the residents of the Villa Isabella.
Max and Lord 6-Dog joined Hermanjilio and Raul to stand in a semicircle in front of Lady Coco. They each held a flaming torch. Max noticed that the monsters chose to congregate at the far end of the room, but he was disappointed that they didn’t actually scream or collapse to see the fire.
For a several minutes, nothing happened. The five good guys and the hordes of bad guys eyed each other shiftily, but none of them made the first move.
The monsters seemed to be waiting for a signal.
Then a cold wind—the kind of wind that cuts right through your clothes and chills your bones—whistled through the hole in the wall.
It had the effect of an orchestra striking up at the theater to let you know that the action is about to start.
The monsters stood to attention.
The room fell quiet.
The candles and torches sputtered dramatically.
The tension became unbearable.
Just as Max was imagining what kind of mutant could command the lurching lowlife army currently assembled in Uncle Ted’s great hall, a Maya warrior appeared. His skin was painted black, and he wore a headdress of white skulls and black feathers. He carried a flint spear, and an obsidian ax hung from his belt.
“Tzelek?” asked Lord 6-Dog.
“Well, well, well,” said the warrior. “If it isn’t my beloved brother, Lord Monkey Butt. I was hoping I’d find you here. Are you ready for our showdown?”
“This is it?” asked Lord 6-Dog, sounding surprised. “Our last epic battle is to be fought in a mortal’s sitting room?”
“Beggars can’t be choosers.” Tzelek drew his spear. “Let’s fight.”
Lord 6-Dog wagged a finger. “If our showdown is to be recorded in Maya history, we must obey the rules.”
Tzelek blew a raspberry at him.
“Who would I be fighting?” continued Lord 6-Dog. “Last I heard, thou wert a spirit in Xibalba. How didst thou get that body?”
“I’ve been working out.”
Lord 6-Dog looked at him blankly.
“Joke,” explained Tzelek. “I forgot you still live in the dark ages.”
“I still live,” harrumphed Lord 6-Dog, “in an age of chivalry and honor. How darest thou dress like a king? Thou hast no right to wear that garb.”
“Oh, lighten up, bro. Why do you speak like that? Nobody speaks like that. You are a pompous idiot, 6-Dog. The scepter of the Jaguar Kings was wasted on you. I should have been king.”
Lady Coco groaned in protest. She tried to get up, but she was too weak.
“Oh hello, Mommy. Is that you?” sneered Tzelek. “I might have known you’d be nearby. 6-Dog was always your favorite. It’s all in the psychology books, you know. I’m a classic case of infantile alienation syndrome.”
“You’re a classic case of ignorance and ingratitude,” countered Lady Coco.
Tzelek let loose another raspberry. “Much as I’d like to debate this further, I have an old score to settle.”
“But whose body is that?” persisted Lord 6-Dog.
“This old thing? Who knows. It’s just a loaner.”
“A loner? It has no friends?”
Tzelek rolled his eyes. “It is on loan. It’s temporary. I have to return it when I get back.”
“Back where? Art thou living in Xibalba again?”
“I’d hardly call it living.”
All this time, the assembled monsters had been patiently following the conversation, quietly cheering for Tzelek and hissing at Lord 6-Dog.
Now Lord 6-Dog pointed at them. “Is this thine army, Tzelek? Art thou too cowardly even to fight me single-handedly?”
Tzelek laughed. “I have never knowingly turned down an unfair advantage, but sadly these killing machines are not with me. I merely sneaked through with them when the door between worlds was opened.”
“Then why are they here?”
“They’re here for Max Murphy.”
Max’s legs nearly gave way under him. “Why me?”
Tzelek winked. “What can I tell you? You’re a popular guy. Everyone wants a piece of you. Literally.”
As if snapping out of a spell, Lord 6-Dog leapt into action.
“Be gone, foul demon!” he shouted, hurling his dagger at Tzelek.
His aim was perfect.
All eyes followed the dagger as it flew straight toward Tzelek’s heart. (Or where his heart would have been if he actually had one.)
All eyes widened as the dagger abruptly stopped inches from Tzelek’s chest and burst into flames.
Max had seen that trick before. Not so long ago, he’d fought for his life against Tzelek on top of the Black Pyramid. That time, the evil priest had dug his fingernails into Max’s throat and would have pitched him into Xibalba if Lucky Jim hadn’t saved him. Now, with the backup power of these grisly ghouls, Tzelek would have the upper hand for sure.
“Courage and light!” called Lady Coco. “Courage and light!”
Lord 6-Dog waved his torch at Tzelek. “Flee from the light, thou spawn of darkness. Shrink back into the shadows from whence thou came.”
Tzelek giggled. “I wouldn’t be playing with fire if I were you. That monkey suit looks pretty flammable.”
“Unlike thee, I fear not firelight,” announced Lord 6-Dog, thrusting his torch into Tzelek’s face.
For a moment, Tzelek looked baffled. Then he clicked his tongue. “Oh, I get it now. It’s that old saying about courage and light, isn’t it? Well, I hate to break this to you, but we don’t follow that rule anymore. We’ve been to training courses. These days, we don’t fear anything.”
He leaned forward and blew out Lord 6-Dog’s torch.
Then, with a single breath as strong and as cold as the north wind, he blew out the remaining candles and torches. Even the bonfire in the grate flickered. “But that’s better, don’t you think? More atmospheric?”
The monsters roared their agreement.
“Let’s get this party started!” yelled Tzelek.
Hermanjilio, who’d been standing dumbfounded, found his voice. “Stop right there! Given that we are mortal and most of you are mythical, I don’t think it’s possible for you to—”
“I know that voice,” interrupted Tzelek. He peered at Hermanjilio. “I’ve been inside your head. Nothing
but history, dates, and boring facts. I think I’ll do everyone a favor and finish you off tonight, as well.”
“Leave him be!” cried Lord 6-Dog. “Thou didst come to fight me!”
“Turns out I hate your friends almost as much as I hate you. I may not be in command of this army, but I do have a few allies in the ranks.” He put his bony fingers to his tongue and whistled. “Keekaanoob! Dinnertime!”
Raul was shaking so much that his visor clanked down over his eyes and blocked his view. He stood in front of Lady Coco in his heavy suit of armor, jabbing his sword at the air. “What’s happening?” he asked.
“He’s sending in the snakes,” said Lady Coco indignantly. “Keekaanoob are boa constrictors.”
Sure enough, a battalion of big, fat boas slithered forward.
Lord 6-Dog, Max, and Hermanjilio tried to put up a defense, but the snakes were surprisingly fast, sneaking up behind them and coiling around them almost before they knew what had happened.
In some ways, it was worst for Raul. Although not a big man, he was bigger than the average conquistador and his suit of armor had been made for someone shorter. It didn’t take long for a few nimbler snakes to find the gaps between the pieces and pry them apart. Soon they had wiggled inside and, from the look of alarm on his face, begun to crush him.
Meanwhile, Lady Coco’s little body was encircled by snakes from her neck to her toes.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Tzelek,” she gasped. “6-Dog’s father and I did our best for you. We brought you up as if you were our own. You wanted for nothing.”
“Be quiet, old lady. It’s too late to start playing the mommy card now.”
At another whistle from Tzelek, the snakes that held Lord 6-Dog knocked him off his feet and bound him like living ropes. The monkey king was stretched out on the hearth like a sacrifice victim on an ancient altar.
Tzelek snickered and fingered the blade of his ax. “Time for a little heart to heart.”
“Wait!” shouted Max as his own serpentine jailers encircled him. “Why take a monkey heart when you could have a human one?”
It was the bravest and most stupid thing that Max Murphy had ever said in all his fourteen years on planet Earth.