by Dinah Harper
There were people milling around, but it wasn’t crowded. They bypassed the pool and headed straight to the ocean. They found two loungers with an umbrella for shade and set all of their things on it.
“Isn’t it just like you remember?” Lynne gushed as she held onto her hat so the sea breeze wouldn’t take it.
“It’s even better,” she said as she unwound the sarong and started toward the water.
“Hey.”
Two fingers slipped beneath the string holding her top together. She glanced back at Jesse who held up a tube of sunscreen.
“Yes, you better lather up. You don’t want to get burned on the first day,” Lynne said as she slathered white paste over her arms.
She sidled away from his finger and held out a palm. Jesse’s mouth curved as he squeezed sunscreen in her palms. Impatiently, she rubbed it over herself and knew she wasn’t doing a good job, but her eyes were on the figures sliding through the aqua water.
“Turn around, let me do your back.”
She gave him a long look before she turned. Rough hands slid over her. He didn’t try anything funny and when he was through, he was right by her side as she headed to the water. The first step in was a shock. It was colder than she expected, but that didn’t stop her. When the water came up to her thighs, she dove into a gentle swell and screamed under water before she came up laughing.
Jesse surfaced beside her. She splashed him before she watched Mom and Dad wade in. She couldn’t keep the grin off her face.
“Doesn’t it feel great?” she crowed.
Lynne’s smile was as bright as her bathing suit. “This is exactly what I needed.”
Lynne didn’t last long in the water. Jesse helped his mother to the lounger and stayed with her while she and Dad swam and chatted about her road trip. Too soon, the sun began to set. They went to their rooms to change before making the short walk to the hotel’s restaurant, which looked like a massive tiki house. There was live music and good food. When she ordered a drink with a slice of pineapple in it, she got a disapproving look from dad, but he didn’t comment. Lynne didn’t eat at all, though she seemed happy and relaxed. When she fell into bed several hours later, head swimming, stomach full, and lips curled up in a smile, she knew she was going to make every moment of this vacation count.
Days passed in a busy blur. Naps in hammocks, swimming to her heart’s content, bike riding through town, and quality time with her parents alleviated the burden she had been carrying for years. She felt like the sea and sun were cleansing her, giving her a fresh start. The past didn’t exist, just the here and now. Jesse was the only blip on her horizon, but she didn’t have time to worry about him when they were all focused on Lynne. She and Jesse had an unspoken agreement that one of them would be with Lynne at all times, which would give Dad time to rest as well. They tended to Lynne’s every whim, not that she had many. Although Lynne’s optimistic attitude never wavered, it was clear that every day became more taxing than the last.
On their last day in Florida, they watched the sun set. She and Dad lay in a hammock while Lynne and Jesse lounged in another.
“You guys are awesome,” Dad said.
She looked up at him. “What?”
His hand landed on her wet, tangled hair. “You and Jesse. I couldn’t ask for better kids.”
“I guess you raised us right.”
He gave her a lopsided smile. “I guess so, but I can’t take as much credit as I would like. I know I wasn’t around as much as I should have been. Thank God for Lynne.”
She glanced at the other hammock. Lynne had the biggest smile on her face as she listened to Jesse. “Yes.”
“I’m glad you aren’t like your mom.”
Her attention snapped back to her father. “I’m sorry?”
His skin had a pink hue from the sunset. His eyes were unfocused and lost in thought as he stared out at the ocean. “Your mom was a selfish person. I thought she would change as we grew up and when she became a mother. It didn’t happen. All she wanted to do was party.”
She could count on one hand the number of times Dad had talked about her mother and none of them had been about her personality or the demise of their relationship.
“She wanted more out of life than to be a mom or housewife. She wanted to be an actress, to be famous. I thought she was joking, but one day I woke up and she was gone.” He let out a long sigh. “I went to church because I needed help. I was lost and angry. The church helped me get on my feet and gave you a solid foundation. I know you were raised by a lot of people, maybe more than you wanted to be, but I did my best.”
“You’re a great dad.”
He wrapped a burly arm around her head and kissed her temple. “You’re a good girl. Sweeter than I deserve. I know I’m not good at talking about all this stuff, but I’m glad you moved home.”
“Of course,” she said and tried to keep her voice level so she wouldn’t ruin the moment.
“Sometimes I feel like God turned his back on me. First your mom left and I had to raise you on my own. I had to ask others for help, which I hated doing, but I didn’t have a choice. Then Lynne came along and everything fell into place. She was so close to retirement. We had plans. I thought we’d grow old together and now…”
“Dad,” she whispered and squeezed his hand.
When he glanced at her, her heart tore when she saw his eyes were full of tears. “But I have you, don’t I?”
“Yes, you do.”
He sighed. “One day at a time, right?”
“Right.”
Once the sun sank beneath the horizon, they headed back to their rooms. They showered before they headed to the hotel restaurant. Halfway through dinner, Lynne grabbed her father’s arm and asked to be taken back to the room. When they tried to wave down a server to take care of the bill, Lynne told them, “Don’t worry. I just need to lie down. Enjoy your meal.”
She and Jesse watched them go. When he looked at her, she saw the same worry and fear in his eyes. Jesse took care of the bill before they made their way to their rooms to hear Lynne being violently ill. As she and Jesse made their way into the connecting room, Jesse hurried into the bathroom to help Dad support Lynne who was so weak, she couldn’t hold her head up. The toilet was covered in vomit so dark it was nearly black. When Dad tried to call an ambulance, Lynne insisted that she was fine and threw a tantrum until he agreed not to.
Violet sat on the edge of her parent’s bed and listened to the sound of Lynne sobbing as Dad bathed her. She dropped her face in her hands and fought tears.
“She’s okay,” Jesse said.
She looked up at him. “You know she isn’t.”
His face was grave as he said, “As good as she’s going to be.”
When Dad carried Lynne to bed, she rose to help. Lynne apologized profusely for interrupting dinner and ruining the fun.
“Don’t, Mom,” she said as she turned back the covers.
While Dad went to clean himself up, she slid into bed beside Lynne and curled up against her.
“Are you having a good time, honey?” Lynne asked in a raspy voice.
She flinched. Lynne was ignoring her bouts of sickness and focusing on them instead. It was easier than facing her own mortality. Lynne needed to know they were having a good time above all else.
“Of course. This place is amazing,” she said in an over-bright voice.
Lynne patted her arm. “Promise me you’ll come back here someday.”
She would promise anything to ease her pain. “I promise,” she said instantly.
“Good girl,” Lynne said as she reached for the remote. “What should we watch?”
“Anything,” she whispered.
Lynne played The Three Stooges. When Lynne laughed, she tried to copy, but knew she fell short. Her heart was lodged in her throat. Before Dad emerged from the bathroom, Lynne had fallen into a restless sleep. She listened to the sound of her rattling breaths and hugged Lynne’s slight body to hers and wi
lled life into her mother. This couldn’t be happening. Her tears soaked the covers as she prayed over her Mom, reaching out to the God who had turned from her long ago.
“Violet.”
She raised her head and looked at Dad standing on the other side of the bed. Her lower lip trembled as she stared at his solemn expression.
“I’ll take her to the hospital once we get home tomorrow,” he said.
She swallowed hard. “Okay.”
He slid into bed on Lynne’s other side. “Get some rest, kiddo.”
She kissed Lynne’s cheek before she slipped from the bed and went into the connecting room. Jesse sat up in bed, hands behind his head as he watched some war documentary. She stared at her bed for a moment before she walked to the sliding door and opened it.
“What are you doing?” Jesse asked.
“I’m going for a walk.”
“I’ll come with you.”
She glanced back at him. “I don’t need an escort.”
He was already on his feet and turning off the TV. “Let’s go.”
It was close to one in the morning as they walked around the pool, empty bar, and restaurant. It was quiet aside from the sound of the ocean in the distance. Once they reached the beach, she slipped off her slippers and held them in one hand as she walked to a pair of abandoned loungers, just past the circle of light cast by the resort. There was a sliver of the moon that offered just enough light to see the waves crashing on shore. She dropped her slippers in the sand and walked along the beach. Jesse fell into step beside her. She wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes as a warm breeze caressed her chilled cheeks.
Lynne was dying. As pain cascaded through her, she stopped in her tracks.
“Violet?”
She shook her head as tears slid down her cheeks. She wanted to scream and rage, but knew it would do no good. Lynne was suffering and there was nothing she could do. Lynne was the heart of their family. Once she was gone, it would never be the same. Lynne filled a void left by her biological mother that she hadn’t known existed until Lynne showed her what true love was. Lynne would take a piece of her when she left. She wasn’t sure she would survive this.
Life seeped out of her every day. Lynne wasn’t eating and had more sick moments than good ones. This morning she caught a glimpse of the number of pills she was taking and they weren’t helping. There was nothing she could to buy her mother time. All she could do was watch and shower her with as much love as possible. Grief nearly sent her to her knees.
“Hey.”
Jesse gripped her arm to steady her.
She wrenched away and bellowed, “This isn’t fair!”
She couldn’t read his face in the dim light, but he said, “I know.”
“I can’t stand this,” she said raggedly as tears slipped down her cheeks. “I feel like…” Like she wanted to howl at the moon and scream at the sky. Maybe God would hear her pleas and spare her mother.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Jesse said in a flat tone that told her he didn’t believe the empty platitude any more than she did.
“It’s not,” she said in an anguished whisper.
He was silent for a moment before he agreed, “No, it’s not.”
She covered her mouth to cover the sob welling in her throat. “I… I can’t… I don’t know what…” She tugged at her hair as she turned in a circle, looking for help she knew she wouldn’t find.
“Violet.”
Something in her snapped. She marched toward the water until Jesse blocked her way.
“What the hell are you doing?” he demanded.
“What does it look like?” she spat as she pulled her sundress over her head and dropped it on the sand. “Get out of my way.”
“If you want to swim, we can go to the pool.”
“No.” She wanted the taste of salt on her tongue and to fight the pull of the tides. In a world where she had no control, she wanted a moment to feel free and unrestrained.
“Who knows what’s in the water at night, Vi. This isn’t—”
“No one asked you to come with me,” she retorted as she unclipped her bra and shimmied out of her panties. A familiar recklessness was taking hold, her knee-jerk reaction to stress.
“Violet.”
His voice was no longer emotionless, but she was too focused on her goal to focus.
“Get out of my way!”
“Fuck.”
He lifted his shirt over his head. Before he had his pants off, she sprinted toward the black waves. She dove in and felt instant relief the moment she was engulfed in the chilly water. The underwater white noise filtered out her agony. She broke the surface in time to see Jesse wading toward her. The twinkle of resort lights seemed miles away.
“Don’t go too deep,” Jesse warned.
She ignored him as she swam, desperate to get her emotions out through strenuous exercise. Jesse kept pace with her as she did laps and fought the churning water. When she had exhausted herself, she stopped and stood neck deep as she panted.
“Feel better?” Jesse asked.
Her eyes stung with tears. “No.”
“Let’s go in,” he urged.
“Not yet.”
She bent her knees so she was floating and let her toes skim the sand as the waves moved her back and forth.
“Talk,” she said.
“What?”
“Talk about something. Anything. Distract me.”
“I’ve been doing some research on Japan. Seems like it’s going to be an interesting place to be stationed.”
She relaxed a little. “How long will you be there?”
“At least a year.”
“You… you like being in the military?”
“Yes.”
“You think you’ll be a lifer?”
“Probably. I like the lifestyle, the rules, travel, and brotherhood. I like being a part of something bigger than myself.”
She nodded. “You found something you like. That’s great.”
“What about you? What’s on your agenda?”
“I have no idea.” She shivered. Now that she wasn’t on the move, the cold was getting to her, but she was reluctant to leave the water and go back to the hotel room. Not yet. “I don’t know what life’s going to be like now that I’m home… and what it’ll be like without Mom.” Her voice cracked. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
He tugged her into his arms. She was too sad to fight him. She rested her face on his shoulder and wrapped her legs around his waist as they allowed themselves to move with the water.
“It’s gonna be okay,” he said.
“No, it’s not!” she wailed.
“We’re gonna get past this.”
“How?”
“Together.”
She sniffled against his chest. “But you’re such a dick.”
He let out a short chuckle. “But I’m being so good right now.”
She thumped his shoulder. “Can’t time slow down just a little bit?” she whispered. “I need more time.”
“I’ve been saying that for most of my life,” he said as he stroked her back.
She swiped at her face. “She’s your mom. You must be taking it worse than me.”
“I’ve done this before. I should be used to it, but… I don’t know what’s worse. Not knowing it’s going to happen or watching it happen slowly.”
His desolate tone made her reach out and cup his face. “We have time. She’s still here.”
She could feel the intensity of his gaze even in the darkness.
“Are you going to be there for me after she’s gone?” he asked.
When she hesitated, his hold tightened.
“You’d leave me out in the cold?”
She tried to push off him, but his arm kept her plastered against him. He cupped her chin and lifted it to the meager moonlight.
“I need you, Violet.”
Her heart felt as if it was being squeezed. “Jesse, I—”
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“I’ve done horrible things, but I need you in my life.” He rested his forehead against hers. “I’m trying to give you what you need.”
Something about his miserable tone struck a chord in her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, sensing he needed comfort just as much as she did.
“I’m right here, Jesse.”
“And later?”
Her soul tore. “I…”
“Promise me,” he demanded.
“Jesse.”
“I can’t do this without you. If I have you, I can handle anything.”
Even as a small voice in the back of her mind told her not to give in, her mouth said, “I’ll be there.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Past and present collided. They were renewing promises they made to each other as children, clinging to one another, making sure they would never be alone. They were much older, but still lost and scared. She brushed her cheek against his and found it damp. Intuition told her it wasn’t the ocean, but tears that had been concealed in the dark.
“Don’t, Jesse,” she whispered.
The need to console him compelled her to frame his face and kiss him. When he sucked in a breath, his mouth parted and her tongue delved in. The taste of some kind of citrus made her explore him more thoroughly. His hand clenched in her hair while he shifted restlessly against her.
She was the aggressor. She was drowning and needed something to keep her anchored in an unfair world where nothing made sense. She needed something real and tangible to keep her sane. When she arched against him, he groaned.
“Violet?”
There was a question in his voice, one she didn’t want to verbalize because it would break the spell they were under. Instead, she unwrapped her legs from his waist and tugged him toward the shallow. He didn’t waste any time getting them out of the water, but when he moved toward the lounge chairs, she pulled him to a stop and sank to her knees. Water pooled around her knees and disappeared as the wave retracted.
“Here,” she said.
Some madness came over her. She reached for his dick and pumped her hand down the soft shaft before she leaned forward and took him in her mouth.