After the call, Anna dropped her head into her hands. Fatigue washed over her, making her want to crawl in a hole and close her eyes for the next two days. She should be thinking about her wedding, about becoming Anna Byler, not worrying about hiding her pain.
“Who was that?”
Anna lifted her head and sat up straight at the sound of her mother’s voice. “No one,” she said, rearranging the already neat piles of paperwork on her desk.
“You sure spent a lot of time talking to ‘No one.’” Edna came further into the room. “I overheard part of the conversation. What’s going on, Anna?”
Anna didn’t say anything. Her mind suddenly came up blank; she couldn’t think of any excuses.
Edna reached for a nearby chair and sat down. “Was that the doctor’s office?”
“What made you think that?”
“I might be advancing in years, dochder, but I’m not addled yet. And by the grace of God, I’ll be a sharp as Onkel Zeb by the time I’m his age. I didn’t think you were telling me everything about your last visit with Dr. Caxson, and I can see by the look on your face that I’m right.” She softened her tone. “Please. Tell me what’s going on?”
Anna took a deep breath. “Dr. Caxson’s office was just calling to follow up on my procedure.”
“That sounded like more than a follow-up call.”
Tired of lying, she said, “I’m having a little bit of pain. The nurse said I should geh back and see the doctor.”
“Then why didn’t you make the appointment?”
“I don’t know.” She rose from her chair. “What if something’s really wrong?”
“All the more reason to see the doctor.”
Anna turned around and faced her mother. “Mami, I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. I don’t have time.”
“You’ll have to make the time.” Edna went to her. “Tell me what I need to do, and I’ll do it.”
“It’s not that simple.” She threaded her fingers through her hands. “Lukas wants a large family.”
“I know you do too. Your daed and I also wanted lots of children, but God’s ideas were different. I’m grateful he blessed me with one.”
“But what if I can’t give him even one? The doctor said there was a possibility I might not be able to get pregnant.”
Edna brought her hand to her face. “Oh, no.”
“He said I might need to have surgery again.”
“Oh, Anna,” Edna said, her voice cracking. She leaned forward and took Anna’s hand. “This is serious. Why haven’t you made that appointment?”
“Because what if he’s wrong? Doctors can be wrong, Mami.”
“Then if you think he’s wrong, get a second opinion. There are plenty of doctors around here. You can go to Cleveland if you need to.” Edna paused, looking up at Anna. “But you won’t, will you? You won’t because you know deep down that Dr. Caxson isn’t wrong.”
“Nee. I don’t. And even if he’s right, that doesn’t mean that God won’t work a miracle.” She swallowed the lump clogging her throat. “Sarah prayed for years for a child. She was in her nineties when she had Isaac. And Hannah, she prayed and had Samuel. Why can’t the Lord do the same for me?”
“You want to have a child when you’re ninety?”
“Mami, you know what I mean!”
“Does Lukas know?”
Anna shook her head. “I can’t tell him.”
“You have to. He’s going to be your husband. He needs to know this.”
“If he finds out, he might leave me. And he’d be within his rights, too, if I can’t guarantee him a child.”
“You’re not giving him enough credit.”
“Daniel left me without a reason. Lukas would have every reason to cancel our engagement.” A tear escaped, and she wiped it away. “I love him so much. I don’t want to be without him.”
“But you’re not being fair to him. You’re lying to him, you’re endangering your health—”
“I’m trusting God!” Anna took her mother’s hands in hers. “Are you telling me not to trust him? Not to put every ounce of faith I have in his power?”
“Nee. I would never tell you that. But Anna, what about Lukas? Wouldn’t it make sense for both of you to pray? Together?”
Anna released Edna’s hands, then turned her back to her. “I can’t tell Lukas. Not yet.”
“Then when?”
“After the wedding.”
“Anna, look at me.”
She hesitated, then turned, her heart rending at the pain she saw in her mother’s eyes. “I remember how distraught I was when I found out I couldn’t have any more children after you were born. But as difficult as that was, I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through right now. But please, for your sake, and for Lukas’, you have to tell him about the diagnosis.”
“And dash his dreams of a big family? Look at his sister, Moriah. She’s expecting her third child. Tobias and Rachel have Josiah. You should see how Lukas is with his nieces and nephew, Mami. He adores them. All he can talk about is when he has children of his own. How can I tell him that he won’t, because of me?”
“God will give you the strength to do so. If you believe he has the power to perform a miracle, then trust he will help you and Lukas make the right decision about this.”
Anna pressed her lips together until she couldn’t feel them anymore. Her mother’s words were logical, but they rang hollow in Anna’s heart. Her mami didn’t know how many sleepless nights Anna had spent thinking about how she could tell Lukas, imagining the look on his face when she did, fearing his reaction when he found out that she had kept this from him for so long.
And what about her hope? There was still a slim chance that she would get pregnant. She couldn’t let go of that right now.
Wiping the tears from her face, she went to her mother and sat down on the chair in front of her. “Please, Mami,” she said, her voice quaking. “Promise me you won’t tell Lukas about this.”
“Anna . . .” Edna’s face turned red as she began to cry. “Don’t ask this of me.”
“This is my body, my relationship. I know what I’m doing. It may not seem that way to you, but it’s true.”
Edna ran her hand across her forehead, her face a myriad of tortured emotions. At that moment the bell at the front of the store jingled. Anna handed her mother a tissue from the box on her desk, and then grabbed one for herself. She had just finished wiping her eyes when Lukas burst into the office, carrying a plastic bag filled with food.
“I thought you two might want some lunch,” he said, holding up the bag. “Sub sandwiches from Middlefield Cheese. I asked for that extra spicy mustard you like, Edna.” He paused, his eyes moving from one woman to the other. He frowned, then set the bag on her desk. Concern reflected in his eyes. “Anna, have you been crying?”
Anna looked away from Lukas and took in her mother’s glance, noting the uncertainty painted on her face. Her breathing stopped as she looked from her mami to Lukas, then back to her mami. They were the only ones in the store; it would be the perfect time to tell Lukas everything. He already suspected something was wrong. Edna took a step forward, and Anna’s stomach churned.
“Anna?” Lukas asked, his tone more urgent.
Edna suddenly stepped between them. “Danki, Lukas,” she said, taking the bag from him. “Anna’s just fine. We were just talking about her father, and I’m afraid we both got a bit teary-eyed.”
He looked at Anna, then back at Edna, compassion in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” Edna smiled, any trace of her earlier upset completely gone. She peeked inside the bag before pulling out a plastic container holding a sub sandwich on white bread, stacked with ham, turkey, Swiss cheese, and lettuce. “I think this one’s for you. It has your favorite cheese on it.” She handed Anna the sandwich, a tight smile on her face. “You’re future husband is sehr thoughtful, Anna. You are very lucky to have him.”
Breathing ou
t a heavy sigh, she gave her mother a grateful look as she accepted the sandwich. Her mami would keep her secret. And despite the guilt that raged within her over asking her mother be a party to her deceit, she still felt a huge measure of relief that Lukas didn’t know the situation. There would be time for that after the wedding. Until then she would keep praying that everything was all right.
Chapter 15
So is everyone ready for the big day?”
Elisabeth took a bite out of her turkey and cheese sandwich before answering Aaron. They were sitting on the front porch swing at Moriah and Gabe’s, enjoying a rare warm day in March. It wasn’t too warm, as they were both wearing their coats, but the sun was shining, and they were tired of eating lunch inside every day. As she chewed she tried to push the swing with the toe of her shoe, but she couldn’t quite reach.
Aaron glanced down, and without saying anything, he stuck out his foot and gave it a shove. The swing gently rocked back and forth.
“It’s chaos,” Elisabeth said. “The wedding is still four days away, but Mami is making everyone crazy. Well, mainly me.”
“Why?” Aaron took a swig from a bottle of pop.
“When she gets nervous about something, she cleans. Not only that, she makes everyone else clean. I remember her being like this when Moriah got married, but at least that made sense because the wedding was at our house. I don’t understand why she’s making me clean everything twice.” Elisabeth rolled her eyes. “If you only knew how much I hate cleaning the bathroom.”
“I can imagine.”
They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, Aaron keeping the swing moving, enjoying the fresh air. A buggy passed by, the driver lifting his hand in a wave. Elisabeth and Aaron waved back.
“You’re coming to the wedding, right?” When Aaron didn’t answer her right away, she said again, “Right?”
“Thinking about it.” He popped a couple of potato chips in his mouth and chewed.
“Oh, nee. You’re coming and that’s final.”
“Is that so, Your Bossiness?”
“Aaron, I can’t believe you.” She shoved her half-eaten sandwich in the bag and jumped out of the swing. Whirling around, she faced him, irritated. “You really aren’t coming? After you’ve made so much progress?”
“Progress?” He looked up at her, his face the picture of calm. “What am I, your pet project?”
“Of course not. But I thought you understood that you don’t have to separate yourself from people anymore.”
“I do.”
“Then why aren’t you going to the wedding?”
“I never said I wasn’t.”
“Ya you did.”
He leaned back in the swing, his hands behind his head. He had taken off his hat earlier that day, and a heavy lock of blond hair hung over his eyebrows. “I said I was thinking about it. And I think I’m going. Actually, I planned to all along.”
“Ooh.” Elisabeth took a step forward, bending toward him. “Then why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
“And miss this fine display of temper? I wouldn’t dream of it.”
She reached out to give him a playful thump on the shoulder, but he caught her wrist, holding it lightly. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“Oh really. Who’s going to stop me?”
“I just did.” He moved his hand from her wrist to her hand, then clasped her fingers.
Suddenly the mood between them changed. His smile faded, along with the laughter in his eyes. Their blue hue darkened to nearly gray, and she saw his gaze drop to her mouth.
A tiny thrill went through her, and her pulse quickened. She wondered what it would be like to kiss him. She didn’t know, but she knew in her heart that it would be wonderful.
The sound of a car approaching made them jump apart. Elisabeth stared at him, trying to get her heartbeat to slow down. But it wasn’t working, because even though he had jumped out of the swing like a rock out of a sling shot, she couldn’t take her eyes off him. Or stop thinking about him kissing her.
Uh oh. This isn’t gut.
“Must be a customer.” Aaron picked up the trash from their lunch and strode by her as if nothing had happened between them. And she figured as far as he was concerned, nothing probably had. He didn’t look back as he rushed down the porch steps and over to the shop.
Elisabeth went to the edge of the steps, confusion rolling inside her. Where had those feelings come from? She liked Aaron, cared about him, but as a friend. A best friend. Yet the emotions surging through her a few minutes ago were anything but friendly. They weren’t unwelcome either.
She gripped the white banister that surrounded Moriah and Gabe’s porch. As the small gray compact car parked next to the blacksmith shop, she fought to get her mind and heart on the same page. Aaron was her friend. Period. That’s all he would ever be. He didn’t have feelings for her. Why should he? Aaron had so much to offer a woman. He was smart, a talented blacksmith and farrier, he had a great sense of humor, and no one could ice skate better than he could. No one was kinder or more unselfish either. He was gorgeous to boot, especially when he smiled.
And who was she? A part-time clerk who couldn’t cook or knit with any skill, who hated housework and was only mildly good with children. What kind of wife would she be to Aaron? To anyone?
As she fought the pain rising inside her, she saw a woman get out of the car, a thin trail of smoke rising in the air above her. She took a puff of a cigarette, then threw it on the ground and mashed it into the asphalt driveway with the ball of her tennis shoe.
The woman was thin, almost painfully so, and her curly black hair was pulled back in a ponytail fastened at her neck. She slammed the door and turned around.
At that point Elisabeth got a good look at her face and realized she was familiar. Memories of the party at the Schrocks’ filled her mind. When she and Aaron were leaving, a woman had stopped him, calling out his name. Taking his hand. Looking and speaking to him as if she knew him well. Very well.
Envy twisted inside Elisabeth as the woman walked around the car and went into the blacksmith shop. She wasn’t a customer; she was here for Aaron. Elisabeth knew it. But why?
Elisabeth ran down the porch steps, determined to find out.
Aaron shoved a hand through his hair, then leaned over the table, trying to get his bearings. Fortunately Gabe had run an errand and wasn’t in the shop; if he had been, he would have thought Aaron had lost his mind.
He stood back up and scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to settle his emotions. He couldn’t believe how close he’d come to kissing Elisabeth. On his boss’s front porch of all places. What had he been thinking?
He hadn’t been thinking at all. He’d been feeling. And that scared him more than anything.
When had his feelings for Elisabeth changed? When had he stopped seeing her as a friend and started viewing her as something more? And how could he put a stop to it? Because he’d have to. Elisabeth deserved more than he could give. She deserved the best, which he wasn’t.
Closing his eyes, he leaned against one of the worktables, fighting the emotional war inside him. He’d never felt this way about anyone, not even Kacey. He didn’t have the right to feel such an intense attraction toward Elisabeth, or to want to court her. Or to . . .
Marry her.
He’d asked her to do just that a couple weeks ago, and she had dismissed it as ridiculous. At the time he’d been relieved she hadn’t been pregnant and thus didn’t need to get married. But now he could look back on that conversation, remembering her reaction, and see how useless it was to think of Elisabeth as anything but a friend. Because that’s all he’d be in her eyes.
The door to the shop opened and he turned around, expecting to see Elisabeth. He shoved down his feelings and schooled his expression, refusing to let her see the turmoil brewing inside him. But the woman walking into the shop wasn’t Elisabeth.
“Hello, Aaron.”
The scent o
f cigarettes surrounded her, and he remembered she’d had a pack-a-day habit that she obviously hadn’t kicked. She was only a couple years older than he was, but she seemed to have aged five since the last time they were together, right before he’d gone to jail. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you.”
His guard went up. “Why?”
She moved to the opposite end of the table and leaned against it, looking straight at him. “Can’t I visit an old friend?”
“We’re not friends.”
“We used to be. More than friends.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “That was a long time ago.”
“I know. Too long.”
“What do you want, Kacey?”
Her confidence seemed to slip a bit. “You sound like you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad. I’m suspicious. I think I have a right to be.”
“But you don’t have to be. I’m not going to do something to you.”
“That remains to be seen.”
“So you’re still blaming me for your problems.”
He let out a breath. “Kacey, I never blamed you for them.”
She stepped away from the table and walked to him. He remembered the first time he’d seen her, he’d thought she was so beautiful. Despite the obvious toll her lifestyle had taken on her, she was still pretty. And still dangerous.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you, Aaron. When I saw you at that party, I remembered what fun we used to have.”
“That fun landed me in jail.”
“But you’re out now.” Her brown eyes gazed at him. “You’re free.”
Aaron nodded, trying to figure out what she was getting at. “You’re right, I’m free. I’m free of drugs.”
She paused, then let out a long breath. “Me too.”
Her words stunned him. “You are?”
“I got out of rehab a couple weeks ago.” Her expression softened, revealing a hidden layer of vulnerability. “Hardest thing I ever had to do.”
Her confession broke through the barrier he’d put up between them. She was clean? “I’m really happy for you,” he said, meaning it.
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