Yet, did Lukas even know? Especially about Anna?
Before long Joseph had put on his hat and started to shimmy up the ladder. He paused on the third rung. “I’m here if you want to talk,” he said. “Just remember that.”
Lukas nodded once, but didn’t say anything. A few moments later he heard footsteps, the crush of gravel-filled dirt beneath a shoe. He turned, expecting, hoping to see Anna. Instead he saw Zeb shuffling toward them, a battered and frayed straw hat perched on his head.
“Here’s some cold drinks,” he said, holding out two cans of soda pop. “Sure is a hot one today.”
“It sure is.” Lukas took the cans and handed one to his father. He popped open the top and took a long pull, the beverage cooling his parched throat. “Danki,” he said, letting out a quiet burp.
“Hey, don’t thank me, thank your fraa. She thought you might be getting thirsty. Don’t know why she didn’t bring the drinks out to you herself.” He looked at Lukas, his expression stern. “I used to think you two were a little . . . what’s the word for it?”
“Expressive,” Joseph offered as he leaned against the ladder.
“I was thinking more like mushy, but I guess that works. And it was kinda irritating, seeing you two all lovey-dovey like that. But I hafta say, I’ll take the mushy stuff to what’s going on now. At least you both were happy. Now you can’t get the glum look off your faces.” Zeb looked up at Joseph. “This is why I didn’t get married. Too complicated. Much simpler being a bachelor.” He turned and shuffled away.
Lukas watched as Zeb headed for the house. He expected his father to say something, but to Lukas’s surprise, his dad picked up the hammer and went back to work. Lukas did the same, but his thoughts were more preoccupied than before as he mulled over what both his daed and Zeb had said.
Several hours later, right before sundown, Lukas and Joseph finished residing the barn. After his father left, Lukas went inside. Everyone else had already had dinner, but there was a plate wrapped in aluminum foil on the countertop, along with a smaller plate that held a piece of cherry pie covered in plastic wrap. Famished, he wolfed down a roast beef sandwich with horseradish spread and the pie, then took a quick shower before heading upstairs. He noticed in the bathroom that Anna had left a T-shirt and a pair of old but clean pants for him to change into.
He stopped at the door of the bedroom. The light was out, which meant Anna was probably asleep. She went to bed early each night, probably as a tactic to avoid him, he realized. He thought again about what his father had said, then about the late nights he’d worked, the early nights Anna turned in. They barely spoke during breakfast, then they both went their separate ways. He felt them drifting further apart, and people close to them could see it too. One of them had to put a stop to it before they were permanently separated, a marriage in name only. There were a few couples in the community he knew who lived like that, and he had never imagined that type of marriage for himself. He didn’t want that kind of marriage. He wanted what he and Anna had before.
Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and entered the bedroom. The last remnants of dusk came through the window, casting a faint glow on the room, and he could make out his wife’s sleeping form. She was curled up in the shape of a backwards C, her back to his side of the bed. Her usual position. And he knew she would stay that way for the rest of the night. Tonight, though, he hoped that would change.
Barefooted he walked to his side of the bed. Slowly he sat down and reached for her. “Anna,” he whispered, giving her shoulder a nudge. When she didn’t respond, he tried again, louder this time. “Anna.”
He heard her sigh as she partially rolled over, her head looking over her shoulder. “Ya?”
“We can’t go on like this. Not anymore.”
Anna rolled back over, her eyes wide open. Not that she had been sleeping anyway. Even though she went to bed earlier than Lukas did on most nights, she never fell asleep before he did. Tonight was no exception. She had heard him enter the house and move around downstairs, had heard the faint whine of the old pipes in her uncle’s house as Lukas took his shower. She had kept her body very still when she heard him enter the room, expecting him to lie down next to her and go to sleep. She hadn’t expected him to want to talk.
“Anna. Don’t ignore me.”
His voice sounded more forceful, but she remained still. Fear flowed through her, and she gripped the edge of the pillow. As long as they weren’t talking, she could pretend that everything was all right. She wasn’t ready to let go of that fantasy just yet.
She felt him get up from the bed, and for a split moment she thought he might leave the room—leave her alone the way she wanted. Instead he turned on the light, then came over to her side of the bed and knelt in front of her.
“Anna, I am your husband.” His hazel eyes reflected frustration. “You kept your doctor’s appointment from me, not to mention you didn’t tell me about your condition—that you might not be able to have children.”
She refused to look at him. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“Why not? We have to work our way through it. I want things to be the way they used to be between us.”
“They can’t.” She looked away.
“Why not?”
“I can’t believe you’re asking me that. Nothing will ever be the same again.”
“I’m not saying it will. We have to deal with this, Anna. We can’t ignore what happened or wish it away.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do.”
“Isn’t it?”
She put her hands to the side of her face in frustration. He didn’t understand anything. “There are reminders everywhere. Every time I see a kinn with her mami, or hear a young bu’s laugh, the emptiness inside me gets bigger. I’ll never know what that’s like. To hold my dochder in my arms. To kiss my sohn good night. To watch my kinn grow and learn and live their lives according to God. I can never, ever ignore it or wish it away, Lukas. No matter how much I want to.”
His expression softened. “Why didn’t you share this with me before?”
“And remind you of what I did? Of what you lost?” She turned her back on him. “I don’t know why you’re even bothering. I’m useless. An empty vessel. I would think you’d hate me for what I did.”
He sighed. “I could never hate you, Anna.” He came around and faced her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “I love you. I’ll always love you. Do you think I married you just so you could bear me children?”
“Ya, Lukas. That’s all we talked about before the wedding. How many children you wanted. How big our family would be.”
“I thought you had those dreams too.”
“I did. But . . .”
“But you knew they wouldn’t come true.” He put his finger beneath her chin and lifted her head so that she could look at him. “I’m going to be honest with you, Anna. And when I’m finished talking, I want you to be honest with me. No lies, no deceptions.” He licked his lips and kept his gaze on her. “I’m angry with you for not trusting me enough, not loving me enough to tell me what was going on with you. And you know what? Up until today, I was thought it was okay that we were barely speaking to each other. Because then I wouldn’t have to face the part I played in all this.”
“Your part? You’ve done nothing wrong, Lukas. This is all my fault.”
“Nee, it’s not. I should have made you feel safe enough to tell me. I knew how Daniel hurt you and how hard it was for you to trust me. I should have noticed you were in pain, Anna.”
“Don’t blame yourself. I didn’t tell you about the doctor visits, and I hid the pain from you. I never said a word about any of it. How could you have been able to tell?”
“I look back on it now and there were signs, little things I saw that I dismissed and other things I should have noticed.” He closed his eyes. “I’m so sorry, lieb.”
She pulled away from him and went to sit on the bed, weary. “Lukas, this is what I want
ed to avoid, you taking on my blame. I wanted to spare you all of it. Instead, I hurt both of us.”
He sat down beside her. “Now that’s honesty.”
“I suppose it is.” Then she turned and looked at him. “So how do we get over this?”
He took her hand and entwined his fingers in hers. “We promise each other we’ll face it together, with God’s help. No more shutting each other out. No more lies.”
“I promise I’ll never lie to you again, Lukas.”
“And I’ll do the same. There’s something else we need to do.”
“What?”
“According to one very wise mann I know, we give ourselves time. Time to get angry and grieve.” He cupped her cheek in his hand. “I love you, Anna. You have to believe that. I can’t say I’m completely over what happened. I’m still hurting. But the only way I can get through this is with you.”
Tears fell down her cheeks. How could he still love her after everything that had happened? Yet he did. God had worked a miracle but not the one she had asked for. He had given her Lukas, a man who accepted her unconditionally, who loved her in spite of it all.
He wiped the tears from her cheek with his thumbs, his own eyes misting over. “I want a new beginning for us. Our dreams about having our own children won’t come true, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have new dreams to work toward.”
“I want to share those dreams with you. I love you, too, Lukas.”
Leaning toward her, she felt his lips press against hers gently, then with more intensity. After a long moment, he pulled away, his eyes darkening, showing her through his kisses and his gaze how much he wanted to be with her.
“Be with me,” she whispered.
“Are you sure?”
Anna put her arms around his neck. “Ya, mei husband. I’m sure.”
Chapter 21
For the third time that morning, Elisabeth sneezed. She snatched a tissue from the box in the living room and blew her nose.
“Feeling better?” Emma sat down in the chair opposite from Elisabeth, pale yellow yarn and knitting needles in her hands. Several days had passed since Elisabeth’s dip in the Detweilers’ pond, and since she’d last seen Aaron. Monday morning had been her day off, and on Tuesday she woke up with a slight fever so she couldn’t go to work. Now it was Thursday, and she was just starting to feel herself.
“Ya. I think I can geh to work tomorrow.”
Emma peered over her glasses. “I’m sure Gabe will appreciate that. I hope you learned your lesson about swimming in freezing water.”
“The water wasn’t freezing. It was only chilly.”
“Still, it was cold enough for you to get sick.” Emma picked up the needles and yarn and started knitting.
“I know, Mami, I know. Don’t worry, I won’t do that again.” She settled back on the couch, picked up her pen and writing paper, and continued her letter to Deborah. She filled her friend in on life in Middlefield since she’d left for Paradise, telling her in vague terms about Anna and Lukas’s wedding and about Anna’s surgery along with other trivial news. But concentrating on writing proved difficult. As she had since Sunday, all she could think about was Aaron and his kiss.
You won’t believe this, Deborah, but I think I’m in love with Aaron Detweiler. I know, it’s weird, but it’s wonderful too. At first I wasn’t sure I even liked him at all, then we became best friends. On Sunday he kissed me. And that’s all I think about anymore.
Elisabeth reread the last four sentences, then balled up her letter. It felt foolish to put her feelings about Aaron in a letter. She wished Deborah was here to help sort things out. She had other friends, but she wasn’t eager to share this with them. It was too important. Too personal. Too confusing.
“Mail’s here.” Stephen walked into the room, several letters in his hand. He handed them to their mother.
“Danki.” Emma put down her knitting and accepted the mail. She looked up at Stephen. “Are you ready for lunch?”
“In a little while.” Flakes of sawdust dotted his angular face.
“Let me know and I’ll bring out some meatloaf sandwiches.”
“Sounds gut.” He held up two fingers. “I’d like two.”
“I figured you would.” After Stephen left, Emma remarked, “I don’t know how that bu stays so thin; he eats as much as two men every meal.” She thumbed through the letters, singling out one of them and handing it to Elisabeth. “From Deborah.”
Elisabeth stood up and took the letter, then quickly opened it. Deborah had written her once since settling in Pennsylvania, and she had mentioned how homesick she was. Elisabeth hoped she was over it by now.
Dear Elisabeth,
I hope everything is good back in Middlefield. The baby’s growing by leaps and bounds. I can’t believe how big I’m getting! My aunt has been terrific, but I don’t go out much, and I haven’t made any friends yet. It gets pretty lonely. I thought it would be easier to live where people don’t know me, but it’s not. In a lot of ways it’s harder.
I wish you could come visit me, even for a little while. If you were here we would have so much fun! Maybe you could get some time off work. I’d love to see you again. Write when you get the chance.
Deborah
Elisabeth laid the letter on her lap. She hadn’t thought about visiting Deborah in Pennsylvania. She’d never been out of Ohio before, and the idea of a trip somewhere else sounded exciting. She had saved quite a bit of money from her job at Gabe’s, more than enough for bus fare. The more she thought about the prospect, the more she was excited about it.
“Did Deborah send gut news?” Emma asked.
“Sort of. She wants me to visit her in Paradise. I’m thinking about going.”
Emma looked at her. “What about your job?”
“Ruth is out of school now. Maybe she can take my place while I’m gone.”
“What about her job at Anna’s shop?”
Elisabeth tapped her finger on her lips. “I hadn’t thought about that. But I can talk to her and Gabe and Anna and see if it will work.” She smiled. “I really want to geh. It’d be a fun adventure.”
Emma picked up her knitting again. “If you have the money and you’ve taken care of your job, then I don’t see why you can’t geh.”
Jumping up from the couch, she hugged her mother. “Danki. I’m going to go over to Gabe’s right now and talk to him about it.”
“Why don’t you wait until tonight? He and Moriah and the kinner are coming over for supper. Ruth will be here too.”
“Gut idea.”
Later that night, after Ruth said she would cover Elisabeth’s job and Gabe had agreed to it, she went upstairs and wrote a letter to Deborah. She’d decided to go the first of the week. After making a list of what she planned to take, she lay on her bed, excited about the trip and visiting her friend.
The only downside was leaving Aaron. She’d miss him, but it would only be for two weeks. It might be good for her to be away from him for a while, to get rid of the romantic feelings that she couldn’t shake and start seeing him as her best friend again, instead of wishing for something she couldn’t have.
Aaron came to work Monday morning, still fighting some of the sniffles that plagued him over the course of the week. From Elisabeth’s absence at work he knew she had caught a cold as well. Swimming in a cold pond in the middle of April wasn’t the smartest thing he’d ever done.
Neither was kissing Elisabeth.
Not that he didn’t like it. The problem was he liked it too much, and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Or her. He’d been tempted to stop by her house during the week, but he didn’t want to bother her if she was sick. Besides, he wasn’t sure if he’d be welcome. The way she had run away from him the moment after he’d kissed her made him wonder.
He walked into the office, surprised to see she hadn’t arrived. Looking at the clock, he noticed she was running late, something she hadn’t done since her first day of work. Maybe she was sick agai
n. If she didn’t come in today, he was definitely going to see her to find out if she was okay. Plus, he just plain missed her.
As he left the office, Gabe came into the shop, Elisabeth’s sister Ruth behind him. “You can put your things in the office,” Gabe told her. “I’ll be there in a bit to show you around.”
Ruth nodded to Aaron and went to the office. Puzzled, he turned to Gabe. “Why is Ruth here?”
“She’s taking Elisabeth’s place for two weeks.”
“Her place? Is something wrong with her?”
“Nee. She’s off to visit her friend in Lancaster. She was going to come in today, but there was a bus leaving this morning, and she wanted to leave right away.”
Aaron stared at the cold forge in front of him, surprised at the news. Two weeks. It might as well be an eternity. And she hadn’t even told him good-bye. Maybe her leaving didn’t have as much to do with visiting her friend as it did with getting away from him. He reined in the thought. Way to make it all about you.
“Aaron?”
He turned around to see Ruth standing behind him. “Ya?”
“Elisabeth wanted me to give this to you. She said she was sorry she didn’t get to see you before she left.” Ruth handed him a folded piece of paper.
He took it, waiting to open it once Ruth was back in the office.
Dear Aaron,
Don’t forget me while I’m gone.
Elisabeth
He tucked the note in his pants’ pocket, smiling at her reminder not to forget her. As if he ever could.
Two weeks later on a Saturday evening, Elisabeth returned from her trip to Paradise. She’d enjoyed spending time with Deborah, who had reverted to the same girl she knew in school. It had warmed Elisabeth’s heart to hear her friend talk about joining the church, which she wanted to do after the baby was born. Elisabeth also found Lancaster to be a nice place, if a little crowded at times. Still, she was glad to be home.
The Hearts of Middlefield Collection Page 48