The fights were all he had left anymore.
Two
MICHELLE HAD RESOLVED not to fight with Steve today, but she’d ended up doing it anyway.
She felt like a failure in just about every way as she closed the door of her bedroom for the night.
Two months ago, she and Steve had had fights like that and much worse almost every day. They’d tried restarts and relationship strategies and walking away whenever one or both of them got angry. But they’d kept fighting. It was so exhausting and so endless that eventually Michelle hadn’t been able to stand it anymore.
After weeks of agonizing, she was on the verge of breaking up with him but couldn’t quite bring herself to do it. It was eating her up, consuming nearly all her emotional energy. She knew this relationship wasn’t good for her. It was making her cry every day and getting in the way of her physical and emotional health.
But she still loved Steve and didn’t want to leave him.
She didn’t want to hurt him.
She hated the fact that they couldn’t make this work.
So she’d decided to give it one more try. For several months, she’d been looking online at a very sexy resort in the Caribbean and dreaming of going there with Steve. So she’d shown him the website—complete with a gallery of lovely, sensual pictures—and suggested they save up for a vacation there to get them out of their routine and give them some quality time to refresh their relationship.
She’d wanted to go to the resort and live out some of her fantasies. But, even more than that, she’d wanted to make things work with Steve. She was excited about both possibilities. No matter how hard this relationship was on her, she couldn’t bear for it to end.
Instead of looking interested, he’d stared at her like she was speaking gibberish.
“You... you don’t want to go?” she’d asked, her gut twisting into a knot at his expression.
“It’s... Kitten, it’s not really us, is it?” He’d turned his head and was staring at an image of a beautiful, sexy couple on an outdoor bed.
She almost gave up after that, but this felt very important to her. Not the vacation but what it would mean. To her. For them. So she’d pressed on. “Maybe it could be. It looks... really nice.”
“It must be crazy expensive.”
“We can save up for it. We don’t have to go any time soon.”
His mouth twisted. “I don’t really want to blow all that money on a vacation. We’ve got better things to save up for.”
His tone made it sound like he had something specific in mind, so she’d asked, “Like what?”
“Like a house.”
“A house?”
“Yes. A house. We’ll want one eventually, right? I’m already starting to save.” He was looking back at the photos on her laptop, his eyebrows lifted slightly in an amused, skeptical expression, as if he couldn’t believe anyone would want to go there.
“You’re saving for... Steve, I told you I’m not ready for marriage yet.”
“I know. I know. I’m not saying it has to be now. But you’ll have your degree after another year, and then we’ll both have good jobs, and there will be no reason not to move forward.” He turned to meet her eyes. “Right?”
“I... guess.”
“You probably wouldn’t like this place anyway. It looks kind of... wild. You’re not like that.”
It felt like he’d punched her. She literally lost her breath.
“I definitely wouldn’t...” He shook his head without finishing his sentence. “We can take a vacation if you want. Maybe this summer? But somewhere cheaper and easier. Somewhere more like us.”
More like us.
“You’re not mad, are you?” Steve asked, giving her a wary look.
She did get angry sometimes when she tried to say what she wanted and he wouldn’t listen, but she wasn’t angry this time.
She was crushed.
“Okay,” she’d said, closing her laptop and picking it up. “We can figure something out.”
She’d left him at the kitchen island to go to their bedroom, and she’d closed the door and leaned back against it.
That was when she’d known for sure. She had to break up with him. And not because he hadn’t wanted to take her on vacation but because she’d let herself be silenced. Again.
She’d been doing it all her life with her parents.
And now she was doing it with Steve.
Biting her lip over her own desires because no one expected her to want certain things.
The next day, she’d broken up with him for real. He’d been angry and confused and resentful, even when she’d repeatedly tried to explain that it was more about her than it was about him.
He didn’t understand, and she couldn’t make him understand. Her attempts to clarify just led to more fights.
Two months had passed, and he still didn’t understand why she’d had to call things off. He thought she was being unreasonable.
They weren’t kissing or having sex or sharing a room anymore, but Steve was still acting like he was entitled to every other aspect of her life.
And the hardest thing was that sometimes she wanted him to be entitled. To her.
Sometimes she wanted it.
She couldn’t fully understand all her conflicting desires, but she knew she didn’t ever want to feel silenced that way again. If that meant she couldn’t be with Steve, then she would have to learn to live with that.
She’d known him for only a year and a half, but she could hardly remember her life without him.
One day soon she would feel that way. She’d be her own person instead of her parents’ daughter or one half of Steve and Michelle.
AS STEVE WAS GETTING ready for bed that evening, his phone rang. When he picked it up to check the screen, he saw it was his father.
His parents had divorced fifteen years ago, and Steve hardly ever heard from his mother anymore. She’d gotten remarried and was busy with a new family. But his dad called him regularly still.
He held the phone for a moment, considering not picking up. He loved his father, but he wasn’t sure he was up to a conversation right now.
But guilt and duty got the better of him, so he connected the call. “Hey, Dad.”
“Steve. How y’doin’?”
“Good. Fine. Everything’s good. What about you?”
“Can’t complain. Work okay?”
“Work is great.” Steve searched his mind and came up with a couple of little anecdotes to tell his dad about his job. He stretched them out as much as he could, and his father seemed to enjoy the discussion.
Steve was hoping that would distract him enough from other topics, but no luck. After a slight pause in conversation, his dad asked, “So how’s Michelle?”
“She’s fine.”
“Making any progress?”
Steve closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “We’re broken up for now, Dad.”
“So you made a mistake somewhere along the way. She’s a nice girl, and she’ll forgive you. Just man up and fix things.”
He had to take two more deep breaths before he replied, “I’m trying, but it’s not that simple.”
“It’s never as complicated as you make it. You’re only a couple of years away from thirty. It’s time for you to settle down and start a family. Honestly, you should have done it years ago with Tara.”
Steve managed not to cringe. Tara had been his high school girlfriend. His entire senior year, he’d had to fight off pressure from his father to go to a local college, work in his dad’s hardware store, and marry Tara.
He wasn’t entirely sure his dad had forgiven him for doing something different.
“I wouldn’t have been happy with Tara,” he managed to say in a mostly even voice.
“Maybe. Maybe not. But if you like Michelle better, that’s fine. Just fix whatever is wrong and marry her. You’re not a boy anymore, so stop acting like one.”
Steve’s stomach was still churning a few mi
nutes later when he said goodbye and disconnected the call.
He understood his father’s perspective. He understood it perfectly well. His dad thought it was simple. You found a woman you liked. You pursued her. You married her. You had a family together. And you had a good, settled life.
And any complications were ones you created for yourself.
The fact that this life hadn’t worked out for his father only made his dad more committed to it working out for Steve.
And Steve had wanted it for himself too.
He’d done everything he could do to make it happen for himself. He just couldn’t figure out what to fix.
Logically speaking, he should probably give up on Michelle and find another woman who wanted the same things he did.
But he didn’t want another woman.
He wanted Michelle.
And he wasn’t prepared to give up on her yet.
THE NEXT DAY WAS SATURDAY, so Michelle got to sleep in until eight thirty. It was about as late as she was able to sleep anymore. She used to lie around in bed most of the morning on Saturdays and Sundays with Steve, but the other half of her bed was empty now. Staying in bed for hours simply wasn’t as appealing as it used to be.
She had endless work to do this weekend anyway. The semester was nearing the end, and she had huge projects due in all her classes.
The apartment was quiet when she walked out of her room in her pajamas and slippers. No one else was up yet. And no sounds of sex going on down the hall this morning.
That was a relief.
She went for the coffeepot and pulled out her laptop.
She liked this time of the morning when no one else was around. She liked that there was no background noise—no television, no music, no conversation. It was peaceful in a way she rarely experienced living in an apartment with three other people.
She worked and drank her coffee and after a while ate a bowl of cereal. She’d gotten a lot done and was in a good mood when she finally heard the sounds of someone else.
Steve.
He was padding through the room barefoot on his way downstairs to get the newspaper that was stuck in through the slot of the exterior door every morning. “Hey,” he said as he passed her.
“Hey.”
He’d been annoying last night, but she wasn’t still annoyed now, so her voice was casual and friendly.
Steve never talked much until he got his coffee, so she went back to her work as he returned, brewed a cup, and brought it and the newspaper over to the island to sit on a stool near her.
He wore black-and-gold-plaid flannel pants and a T-shirt with the Batman symbol on it that she knew for a fact he’d gotten in high school. It was slightly too tight now and definitely too short. It hugged his chest and shoulders, bringing attention to the substance of them. The solidity.
She really liked that he was so solid.
He glanced over. “What?”
“Nothing.”
He made a face but didn’t pursue the subject, which was a relief.
She didn’t feel like getting into an argument this morning.
When he’d finished his first cup of coffee and gone back for a second, he asked, “What’s going on today? Anything?”
“Not that I know of. Chloe’s coming over later, I think.”
“I’m supposed to work out with Lucas.”
Michelle chuckled at the reluctance on his face. Lucas was always trying to drag Steve to the gym, and Steve definitely had to be dragged.
“You try working out with that guy,” Steve said. “He’s like some sort of machine. I’m pretty much dead at the end of it.”
“You don’t have to keep up with him.”
“I don’t keep up with him, but still...” He seemed to brush off the subject. “I’m starving this morning.”
“So make something.”
“Eh.”
“Carol has started making breakfast sandwiches down in Tea for Two. I had one a few days ago, and it was really good. You could go down and get one, if you’re willing to risk going into such a girly place.”
He’d had a thing going for a long time where he would never go into the tea shop downstairs from their apartment because it was so frilly and girly. But he’d broken down and gone in a few months ago, and since then he’d been in once or twice more.
“Maybe I will.”
“You should. But I’d go pretty quick. It’s early enough now that it shouldn’t be too crowded, but in another hour they’re going to be packed.”
“Okay. You want one?”
“Nah. I already ate. Thanks though.”
Michelle watched as Steve set his coffee mug on the counter, went over to the door to put on his shoes and pick up his keys and wallet, and then walked out the door.
In his pajama pants and too-small Batman T-shirt.
She was still giggling to herself about that when Jill and Lucas came into the kitchen.
Lucas had a pair of sweats on and nothing else. Unlike Steve, he often went around without a shirt on, and his body was very impressive. Sculpted in a way that Michelle had rarely seen in real-life men.
Michelle could objectively admire this without responding to him in any way. Lucas just wasn’t her type. He was too handsome, too hard all over. His body was flawless except for the scar down his back. She liked Lucas a lot, but he’d never been attractive to her.
Steve was her type—even with his less impressive muscle development and less-than-flat stomach.
Steve felt real to her. Real and solid and masculine and touchable.
“Where’s Steve?” Jill asked, wearing fuzzy pink pajamas with her hair tangled around her face. She sat on the stool next to Michelle and unlocked her phone.
“He went downstairs for some breakfast.”
“How long have you been up?”
Michelle glanced at the time. “About an hour or so.”
The three of them sat around the island, Lucas and Jill on their phones and Michelle on her laptop, until the front door of the apartment opened and Steve returned with a small bag and a pastry box.
Jill perked up. “What did you bring?”
“Beignets. They just came out of the oven, so they’re still hot.”
Michelle wasn’t particularly hungry after eating cereal, but she wasn’t about to say no to that. She dug in with the others and sighed in pleasure as she took her first bite.
“Is The Suit getting a roommate or something?” Steve asked, already halfway through with his grilled bacon-and-egg sandwich.
The Suit lived in the apartment across from them. It was a renovated loft exactly like theirs, and apparently the guy lived in the huge place alone. They called him The Suit because he always wore suits and they didn’t know his name.
He would nod at them if they happened to pass, but he didn’t smile and he never chatted.
“Why?” Lucas asked, his mouth filled with beignet.
Steve shrugged and picked up the coffee he’d set down earlier, swallowing it down even though it must be lukewarm by now. “It looked like someone was moving in. He was carrying a box and going into that apartment.”
“I can’t believe he’d be getting a roommate,” Michelle said. “The Suit doesn’t seem like a roommate kind of guy.”
“Maybe it’s a boyfriend moving in,” Jill suggested. “Maybe The Suit is gay.”
Steve snorted. “He sure does have a lot of women over there if he has a boyfriend. I don’t know, but it looked like a guy was moving in. Some huge lumberjack type.”
Michelle met Jill’s eyes, and in mutual, silent agreement, they both got up and hurried to the front door to peek out.
If there was a lumberjack moving in across the hall, then they wanted to see him.
The hall was empty, however, and the door to the other apartment was closed.
“Shit,” Jill said. They were both peering out through the partly open door. “He must have gone inside.”
“Oh well.” Michelle shrugged. “I’
m sure we’ll see him eventual—” She broke off abruptly when the door across the hall suddenly opened.
The man who stepped out did indeed look like a lumberjack. He was huge—both in height and breadth—and he had a long, squared-off golden-brown beard. He wore jeans and a flannel shirt. He blinked when he saw them peeking out at him.
Michelle froze, feeling like she’d been caught, but Jill smiled and stepped out into the hall. “Hey. We were just wondering if someone was moving in across the hall.”
“Oh. No, not really. I’m housesitting for the next two months. He’s in Tokyo. I’m just a friend who needed a place to live for a while.”
That made more sense, although the idea of this big guy being a friend of The Suit was an odd one.
“I’m Jill, and this is Michelle.”
The man wasn’t really smiling. He didn’t look grumpy or intimidating. Just oddly serious. He stuck out one big hand. “Brent.”
Jill shook his hand, and then Michelle did the same thing.
“Just let us know if you need anything,” Jill said, sounding friendly and casual, exactly the way a neighbor should.
Then they stepped back into their apartment and closed the door.
“He’s huge!” Jill said, walking back to the island to sit beside Lucas, sliding a hand up and down his back as she did.
Lucas raised his eyebrows. “Should I be jealous?”
Jill giggled and kissed him, and Michelle smiled as she returned to her place as well. She explained, “He’s just housesitting for two months. The Suit is evidently in Tokyo. They’re friends, and Brent needed a place to stay.”
“You sure did get a lot of information out of him for a one-minute conversation.” Steve was frowning, a half-eaten beignet in his hand.
“He seems pretty nice,” Michelle said, returning to her laptop.
She wasn’t looking at him, but she knew that Steve was still frowning.
CHLOE CAME OVER THAT afternoon, and the three women went shopping for a couple of hours and then ended up in Tea for Two.
Since they’d had beignets that morning, Michelle and Jill just split a cupcake while Chloe had a whole one of her own.
Living with Her Ex-Boyfriend (The Loft, #2) Page 3