Toys and Baby Wishes

by Karen Rose Smith

  "This is the woman who tells me she's still kicking? This is the woman who yelled at me because I thought she was too old for a new venture? Don't you use that as an excuse now."

  Her eyes got a faraway look. "So you think I should go?"

  "You bet. You only pass this way but once. Go for it."

  Clare grinned at her nephew and her blue eyes sparkled. "Maybe I will."

  ***

  Lexa felt as if she had the weight of the world on her shoulders as she drove home from the college campus. Dani's doctor had tried to reassure Lexa that Dani was perfectly healthy and so was the baby. But Dani's moods had swung up and down the four days Lexa was with her. Lexa was worried. Something was going on in Dani's head that she didn't want to talk about. Lexa had prodded, poked, and babied. Dani had talked about everything under the sun but what was troubling her.

  Along with being worried, Lexa was exhausted. They had talked late into the night many nights--memories about their childhood, their father, their mother, and Loretta. Lexa had insisted that Dani rest as much as possible. So Lexa ran errands, picked up meals three times a day, drove to an ice cream stand when Dani had a craving for a hot fudge sundae at ten PM. As a result, Lexa was worn out.

  And anxious to see Josh. She had missed him more than she ever thought possible. But she was tired, so tired. She didn't want Josh to see her when she was feeling so low, but she needed to hear the sound of his voice.

  As soon as she entered her townhouse and hung up her coat, she called his cell. She answered his hello with, "I missed you."

  His voice was husky. "I missed you, too. How's Dani?"

  "Okay for now."

  "And how are you?"

  "Tired."

  "Do you want me to come over?"

  She wouldn't let him see her when she was this down. "No, I have laundry to do, groceries to buy, errands to run."

  He must have heard the strain in her voice. "Are you all right?"

  "I'm fine."

  "I'll pick you up around six-thirty and we'll go someplace quiet for dinner."

  "Josh, I have a meeting at the Y. If I stop for dinner, I might never get started again, and I don't know what kind of company I'll be later."

  "Are you saying I shouldn't come over at all?"

  "No, of course not. I really missed you and I just want to lie in your arms." Her voice caught and she strove to steady it and cover up emotions that were too close to the surface. "I'll call you when I get home tonight."

  His voice was gentle. "Call me. I'll see you later."

  After Lexa hung up and lugged her suitcase onto the sofa to take out the used clothes, she sat down next to it and put her fingers to her temples. What was wrong with her? Where was her energy? She never had headaches. She went to the kitchen, found a bottle of aspirin in a cupboard, and took two. She was separating the clothes in her suitcase when the doorbell rang. A moment later the door opened and Josh was standing in her living room.

  She was so happy to see him, tears gathered in her eyes.

  He saw them and in two long strides covered the distance of the room and enclosed her in his arms. Her tears began flowing in earnest, dampening his gray dress shirt.

  "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" he asked with concern.

  She bit her lip until she gained control. "I don't know. This is so stupid, so foolish." She couldn't stop the tears and she felt ashamed for feeling so weak. Her chin quivered and words stayed stuck on her tongue.

  Josh led her to the sofa, held her close to him, and let her cry. "It's okay," he soothed. "Just let it out."

  As her tears subsided, she held onto him. He was safety, love, warmth. He probably thought she was a hysterical female. She sat up, turned away from him, dug in her pocket for a tissue and blew her nose. When she was finished, she knew her nose was red and her eyes were puffy.

  "Lexa, look at me," Josh commanded.

  When she didn't, he brushed his fingers through her hair, then lifted her chin until her eyes met his. "Tell me what you're thinking."

  "I'm thinking I look a mess and you're probably wishing you had never walked into this scene."

  He moved closer to her and pulled her back until her head was against his shoulder. She was tense and stiff so he closed his arm tighter. "Remember our conversation on Thanksgiving after you talked to your father?"

  She moved restively. "I remember."

  He tilted his body so he could look into her eyes. "Let me give to you, Lexa. Learn how to lean on someone other than yourself. That's what loving's all about."

  The love in his eyes surrounded her and she felt tears beginning to spill again. "Oh, Josh, I feel so...so drained. There's no reason for this."

  He kissed her forehead and she relaxed against him. "Of course there's a reason for this. I don't think you realize how thin you spread yourself. You have a lot of people making demands on you. Look at what you went through with Stanley. And taking care of someone like you took care of Dani the past few days is damned hard."

  "I love Dani, Josh. I love her baby. I can't help worrying about them. I want this child so badly." Her voice careened around a curve and she let herself soak in Josh's presence, his strength. "I'm glad you're here," she whispered.

  His embrace was as strong as his voice was soft. "All you have to do is call me."

  She frowned thoughtfully. "That's so hard for me. I've been alone a long time. Even when I was involved with someone before...he went his way, I went mine. We were together but separate."

  "I don't want that kind of relationship."

  "I know, but what you want scares me. It's like losing part of myself."

  His large hand caressed her cheek. "I don't want to take anything from you. I want to give to you. Just because you depend on me doesn't make you weak." He traced his forefinger under her eye. It was dark with a blue shadow. "You're exhausted. How much sleep have you gotten this past week?"

  "College life isn't conducive to sleep."

  "Not to mention running yourself ragged for Dani."

  She shrugged. "It wasn't like that."

  Josh knew better. "Wasn't it?"

  Lexa was silent.

  "You have black circles under your eyes, you're pale, you probably need twenty-four hours of straight sleep."

  "I can't do that."

  His voice grew gruff. "You can, but I know you won't. Compromise and go to bed for a few hours."

  Bed did sound good. Cool sheets, the weight of the quilt. She looked at the soiled clothes on the floor in front of her.

  Josh picked up a bra and slid his fingers over the delicate beige lace. "I'll do your laundry."

  "I can't let you do that."

  "Are you afraid your clothes will come out in tatters or ten shades of red?"

  She smiled. "I trust your capabilities. But you don't have to."

  He stood, took her hand and pulled her up. "No, I don't have to, but I'm going to. After you go up to bed, I'll start it. I can finish it when I come back for supper."

  "I don't have any food in the house."

  He wasn't daunted. "No sweat. I'll pick up something on my way."

  She capitulated. "Do you know how sweet you are?"

  He grinned. "Like cotton candy." He pulled her to him, gave her an uncommonly eloquent kiss, and gave her a gentle push. "Go upstairs. I'll come up before I leave."

  Lexa kissed the top of her finger and held it to his lips. No words were necessary.

  She mounted the steps slowly, feeling as if she had run a marathon. After finding a flannel nightgown, she slipped between the sheets. She was propping herself on two pillows when Josh came in, a mug in hand.

  He smiled crookedly, not knowing what her reaction would be. "I thought tea would make you feel better."

  "Thank you," she said simply, taking the mug and sipping while Josh partially closed the blinds so the room darkened.

  Lexa's eyelids were already heavy. She rubbed the back of her neck, trying to release the tension.

  Josh took t
he mug from her hands and placed it on the nightstand. "Scoot around. I'll massage your shoulders."

  The idea of his hands on her shoulders sounded heavenly. She flipped her legs to the empty side of the bed. Josh's thumbs began under her hair, up and down her neck, soothing and loosening. When he started on her shoulders, she sighed with pleasure. Her head dropped down as he worked out the knots with professional skill.

  "That feels so good," she murmured. "Where did you learn...? Never mind. I don't want to know."

  He patted her back gently. "Lie down and close your eyes." When she was flat on her back, he sat down beside her. "I knew a physical therapist in college."

  "Knew?"

  His eyes twinkled. "In the technical, not the biblical sense. We were friends."

  "Who gave each other massages," she summarized.

  "She had to practice on someone," he teased. He straightened the covers under Lexa's chin. "Now go to sleep."

  "You'll wake me up when you come back?"

  He gave her a considering look. "We'll see."

  "Josh..." she warned.

  "I'll wake you up in time for supper." He kissed her on the lips, waved, and went downstairs.

  ***

  The room was dark when Lexa awoke from her nap. Light from downstairs illuminated the hall. She pushed her pillows back against the headboard to prop up her head. She was getting her bearings when the bedroom door opened and Josh strode in.

  She mumbled, "I'm not awake yet."

  "We can postpone supper for a while."

  "Josh, I have a meeting at the Y."

  He switched on the bedside lamp. "So? There's the phone. Call and tell them you're not coming."

  "Josh, I can't. This is important. We're trying to set up a hotline for teens. I said I'd be there."

  "You're not going to run yourself into the ground. Call them and tell them you aren't coming."

  "You can't order me around!" she fired back.

  He scowled at her. "Lexa Kittredge, you're so damned frustrating. You can't let your compassion get in the way of your good health, emotional or physical. Will you please use your common sense?"

  While she debated the point within herself, he cupped her chin in his hand. "I understand, Lexa. Believe me, I do. You see injustice, sorrow, human beings who need help, and some fire inside you makes you offer everything you can give. But you have to realize you're not indispensable. Others can and will take your place. You can't save the world."

  If she heard that one more time... "You sound like my father, and you sound like Richard. And don't tell me not to compare you! You're acting exactly like them. As if what I do isn't important!"

  His jaw set. Then he said, "That's a bunch of bull. Of course I know it's important. But some things are more important. Maybe you can't give up your volunteer work for me, Lexa, and to tell you the truth I'm having a hell of a time dealing with that. But you're damn well going to have to give it up for this baby. You're going to have responsibility for another life. What happens then? Are you going to give this child the leftovers? Are you going to leave him with a babysitter while you fight for causes more important than he is?"

  Lexa was confused. Why was she hanging on to the volunteer work with a steel grip when she knew she should be cutting down, not becoming involved in more? As she stared into Josh's eyes, she knew the answer. Because the work was familiar, because she liked helping others, because it didn't involve taking any risks.

  Something in her stomach twisted as a small voice whispered, What if Dani does want the baby back? What if Josh can't accept this child as his? What if he can't accept the fact you can't have children? Lexa was insulating herself and she knew it. With a shock of insight, she also knew that if she wanted this relationship with Josh to work, she had to make a choice and make it right now.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Lexa responded softly. "I know what taking responsibility for another life means. I guess I've been trying to cram everything in now before that happens."

  She reached for the phone, dialed, reached the person she wanted to talk to, said she couldn't attend the meeting, and ended the call.

  A slow smile twitched Josh's lips up as he sat down next to her on the bed. "You've been focused on other people for so long, you don't know how to give to yourself."

  She said huskily, "Are you going to teach me?"

  "I'd like to try."

  "Josh, I can't just quit everything cold turkey."

  He sandwiched one of her hands between his. "I know that. But if you're thinking about your life, our life, that's the first step."

  She looked at Josh and felt so much love, she had to fight tears. "Christmas this year is going to be wonderful."

  "Why?" Josh asked, rubbing his finger soothingly over the top of her hand.

  "Because of you...because of the baby. I love Christmas. I love the stars in children's eyes, secret smiles, hidden presents, carols and holly."

  "Mistletoe," he included with a lusty look.

  She laughed. "Of course." Her feet were getting cold and she put one on top of the other. "Something happens to people at Christmas. They're nicer to each other."

  "I love to watch shoppers. When adults pick out toys, they have as much fun as kids. I know lots of customers shop online now, but going into a toy store at Christmas is something my customers appreciate." Josh stooped down and felt her cold foot. "Okay, lady. Either get slippers on your feet or get back under the covers."

  "Are you going to be my watchdog?" she asked, not sure what that would mean.

  "Nope. But I am going to watch over you. Is that okay?"

  "It's okay." She grinned. "But do you think you can let me out of your sight long enough for me to go to the bathroom?"

  "Cheekier and cheekier," he sighed with mock dismay as he stood up. "I'm going to fix supper. You be in bed when I get back."

  "I'll think about it."

  He shook his head as he walked out of the room. "As bad as a kid."

  When Josh returned, he was carrying a lap tray with two bowls of chicken soup, three ham and cheese sandwiches, two glasses of water, and two scrumptious looking eclairs.

  "I take it you're hungry?" Lexa teased.

  "So are you."

  "Are you trying to convince me?"

  "Nope." He wiggled his brows seductively. "I know you have hidden appetites you don't always reveal."

  She wrinkled her nose at him. "You think you know me so well."

  "I'd like to know you better."

  Josh smiled, but his eyes were so serious, as if he knew she was keeping something from him. No, that was impossible.

  He fixed the pillows on the other side of the bed and stretched out on top of the covers.

  After she ate supper, Lexa couldn't believe how tired she still felt. She thought about getting dressed while Josh took the tray down to the kitchen. When he came back into the bedroom, he was carrying his laptop along with its charger. He set it on her dresser and began to unbutton his shirt.

  "What are you doing?"

  He stripped off his shirt and started on his jeans. "We're going to relax and watch something you like. If you fall asleep, that's fine. We're just going to lay here-- together."

  He picked up Lexa's hairbrush and crawled in beside her. "Come here," he said, patting his chest.

  When she laid her head down, he began brushing. The motion was so soothing, she fell asleep.

  ***

  Opening her eyes, Lexa checked the clock at her bedside. Seven a.m. Josh was sleeping peacefully on his side, his shoulders and arms outside the covers. Whenever she looked at him, something wrapped her heart, tickled it, and made her smile. Until she remembered what she had yet to tell him.

  Suddenly, she was struck by the urge to stay home, begin planning the nursery and maybe spend some of the day with Josh. She reached for the phone. When she called her secretary, the woman assured Lexa she'd hold down the fort another day.

  After Lexa clicked off, she felt a strong arm curl
around her waist. She turned to Josh and smiled. "Good morning."

  He pulled her into his arm and cuddled her against him. "Who did you call?"

  She ran her hand over his beard-stubbled chin. "My secretary. I'm going to stay home today and take a vacation."

  His grin was pleased as his eyes moved over her uplifted face. "Wise decision."

  She wanted to melt into his hands when he looked at her like that, but instead of melting, she asked, "Do you think you could get away from the store for lunch?"

  "What did you have in mind?"

  "I'd like to make something here for you."

  "I could take you out for lunch."

  "No. I'll make you something here. I thought it might be nice to break up your day."

  His hand brushed up and down her arm. "It would be very nice to break up my day. The store's going to be a madhouse. We ran coupons and moms will be out full force today to take advantage of them." He looked at her for a long moment, and she thought she saw the lights of desire in his eyes, but he didn't act on them. He kissed her forehead and shoved himself up. "I'd better get moving."

  Was he waiting for her to reach out to him? For her to show him how much she wanted him? She reached up and ran her hand over his shoulder, down his back, and she felt him tremble. "Do you have to leave right this minute?" She wanted to love him and show him how grateful she was for his pampering.

  A grin spread from one side of his face to the other. "No."

  "Thank you for being here yesterday, for holding me last night."

  "Anytime."

  She stretched out her arms to him and his gaze told her how much he wanted her to need him, to depend on him. She was learning.

  ***

  When Josh arrived at Lexa's townhouse for lunch, he found her in the spare bedroom with wallpaper samples, color wheels with paint shades, and catalogs open to pages of baby furniture.

  "Planning to redecorate?" He shifted the mail he'd retrieved from Lexa's mailbox to his left hand.

  She started at the sound of his voice. "I didn't expect you this soon."

  "It's noon."

  Lexa checked her watch under her blouse sleeve. He was right. "Lunch is ready. I made tuna salad and cherry cobbler."