"Sounds good." He looked around the room. "What are you going to do in here?"
"Turn it into a nursery. I'm not sure how. Maybe pale yellow walls, this wallpaper on one." She pointed to a pattern with ponies and ducks.
Wanting to draw out his opinions, Lexa pointed to a crib in the brochure. "I like the maple furniture. Something a child can grow into after he doesn't need the crib. The top of the dressing table comes off and it turns into a chest of drawers."
Josh absently paged through the catalog on the bed. "Kids need so much, don't they? Carriages, strollers, walkers, clothes, toys car seats, eventually college education."
"That's a long way off." Lexa didn't really want a generic discussion about babies, but a specific one.
He closed the catalog with a thud. "But it's still a consideration. It's better to put money away monthly so it's there when it's needed. A sense of security is important when you have children."
Lexa insisted, "Love's more important."
"Sure, it is," he agreed, studying her carefully. So carefully, she asked, "What's wrong?"
"I'm worried Dani will change her mind. I know what you're going to give this child. Can you tell me what you would do if the child's three or four and Dani decides she wants him or her back?"
She pushed her own uneasiness about Dani aside. "You're borrowing trouble. That won't happen. Dani wouldn't do that. She couldn't."
"I don't want you to set yourself up."
"I'm not. Trust me, Josh. Trust Dani."
Josh remembered the stack of mail in his hand and offered it to Lexa. "This is today's and what stacked up while you were gone."
She saw doubts in Josh's eyes and wished he'd express them. But he didn't. And the moment for sharing secrets passed. She took the mail from his hand. Rifling through the advertisements, she found a legal sized envelope from a women's group, Women For A Better America. She ripped it open and her eyes grew wide with astonishment.
Josh pushed the wall paper samples out of the way and sat down on the bed beside her. "What is it?"
She rattled the paper in her hand. "I'm getting an award. Someone nominated me for the service award they give each year and I won. Can you imagine? I won!"
"I don't know why you're surprised. All the time you give mounts up."
She read the letter again. "But it's such an honor. I know some of the women who won other years. I don't put myself in a class with them."
"You're in a class of your own, sweetheart."
The message in his eyes made her heart beat faster. "You're prejudiced."
"You bet I am." His thumb ridged the shell of her ear. "How do you get this award? Do they send it to you, present it to you?"
Her eyes wouldn't leave his face. "There's a dinner at the Holiday Inn on December twenty-second. The mayor will present it then."
He played with her ear lobe. "Am I invited?"
Her breathing was becoming more shallow. "I can invite ten people. They're giving other awards too."
His hand slid down her neck to her collar. "Am I one of the select group?"
"You're the most select." She cleared her throat. "Are you ready for lunch?"
His eyes glittered suggestively. "I'm more ready for something else."
"Choosing wall paper?"
"Choosing the best, most prolonged way of making love to you. This morning was a little too fast. I wanted you badly." Josh began unbuttoning Lexa's blouse. "It was difficult for me to hold you last night and not want to make love to you."
His words sent a thrill through her. She laid the letter by her side, unknotted his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt collar. "You can do more than hold me now."
He pulled her blouse out of her slacks, separated the material and feasted on the sheer white bra. "Do you know what an ego boost it is for me when you tell me or show me you want me?"
She welcomed his male appraisal. His gaze always made her body heat up. Cruising her hand down the middle of his chest, over his stomach to his belt buckle, she murmured, "I want you."
He sucked in his breath at her intimate touch and unfastened her bra. "You're the sexiest lady I've ever met."
She battled against the leather as her fingers unbuckled his belt. "You're the sexiest man I've ever met."
As he caressed her breasts with soft kneading, she struggled with the zipper on his trousers. Finally she gave up and reveled in the pleasure of his touch. "Joshua Flannigan, do you know how much I want you?"
"Tell me," he said in a low voice.
She swayed toward him. "I want to feel you on top of me. I want to feel you inside me. I want you too much to try to explain."
He laid her back on the bed. "You don't have to explain, love. I know."
She sighed when his lips covered hers. Yes, he did know.
***
On December twenty-first, the cars in the parking lot at The Toy Tank overflowed from the front parking lot to the back. Lexa found an unoccupied space and walked through scattered snow flurries to the front door. She wanted to surprise Josh. He thought she was at a meeting. She wasn't and she wanted to tell him why. She had been Christmas shopping, battling crowds to find exactly what she wanted. Josh had been a challenge. She had finally decided on an original watercolor of three clowns performing for a child. She had been drawn to the painting and knew Josh would love the spirit of it.
As Lexa entered the store, she pulled off her hat and let her hair fly free. Stuffing her gloves in her pocket, she went to the manager's office to find Josh's whereabouts. Children were everywhere, chattering, laughing, crying. Adults were hurrying patiently and impatiently because they only had fifteen more minutes to shop before the store closed.
When Lexa opened the door to the small office, the manager smiled. He was used to Lexa's appearances. He told Lexa she could find Josh in the back corner of the store.
At first all Lexa saw was Santa's throne, a box shaped and decorated like a chimney holding oranges for the children who sat on Santa's lap, and a basket of candy canes. She took a closer look at Santa. Her lips curved and she nearly laughed aloud as she recognized the face beneath the white beard.
Lexa watched Josh as he helped a small boy about four years old onto his lap. He held the boy with one strong arm as he asked in a deeper voice than usual, "What's your name?"
The boy put one finger in his mouth and looked at Josh intently. Then he seemed to decide he could trust him and volunteered, "Timmy."
"Well, Timmy. Tell me what you like to do."
Timmy's brown eyes sparkled. "I like to play games on my mom's computer."
"And what else do you like to do?"
Timmy's index finger went into his mouth again as he thought. "I like to help Daddy build stuff. He's a carpenter," Timmy said proudly.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Josh asked.
"Yeah. A sister. She's in fourth grade. She didn't want to come see you. She says she doesn't haf to ask Santa Claus for what she wants. She thinks I'm a baby."
"But you're not, are you? I bet you help your mom and dad a lot."
"Sometimes I help Mom empty the dishwasher and water the plants. She said to tell you I'm usually pretty good."
Josh looked up and found Timmy's mother smiling at him. He ruffled the boy's hair. "It's not easy for a guy your age to be pretty good. I bet you try hard."
Timmy nodded his head up and down.
"So what would you like for Christmas, Timmy?"
The boy swung his legs back and forth, making his balance on Josh's knee precarious. "I want a big bicycle. Red. With training wheels. That's what I really want."
Josh saw the affirmative nod from Timmy's mother. "I don't think that's too much to ask for a good boy like you. Was there anything else?"
Timmy screwed up his nose. "I'd like a hamster. A brown furry one in a house with lots of rooms. I saw one in the pet store."
Josh caught the negative signal from Timmy's mom. "You know, you might be a little young for a hamster. You'd have
to clean out his cage every week, never forget to give him food and water. Are you ready to do all that?"
"I don't know if I can. I can't reach the sink. I really want a pet. How about a kitty?"
Through his fake spectacles, Josh watched Timmy's mother shrug and mouth "okay."
"I think you could take care of a kitten. Do you think your mom will help you?"
Timmy turned to his mother and she nodded. "Sure. She'll help. And when I'm five, I can do everything all by myself."
Josh chuckled. "I bet you will." He picked up a strip of stickers, gave them to Timmy, and helped him down. "You have a Merry Christmas."
Timmy waved his stickers. "I will. Thanks, Santa."
Aware of the store closing in a few minutes, Josh held out his arms to the last child in line, a little girl about two years old. She couldn't make up her mind whether she wanted to laugh or cry. He held her loosely and asked gently. "What's your name?"
She reached out and touched his beard. "Soft!" she exclaimed and giggled.
"It tickles, too," he told her with a smile. "What's your name, honey?"
She looked for her mother to make sure she was close by. "Tina." She wriggled down off of Josh's lap. Her mother picked her up and said, "Tell Santa what you want for Christmas."
"Wanna dolly," Tina said.
"She wants an American Girl doll with blond hair," her mother interpreted in detail.
Lexa could tell Josh was having a hard time not laughing.
"What else, baby?" the mother prodded.
"Bwocks," Tina answered.
"Legos," the mother interpreted again. "She just loves to build things. I'm sure she's going to be an architect."
Josh held up a strip of stickers to Tina. She grabbed them. Tina's hand fluttered good-bye as her mother carried her away.
Josh's demeanor and his ease with the children filled Lexa with joy. All at once, she knew in every room of her heart that Josh would love Dani's child as much as he would love a child of his own. He had so much love to give and he knew how to give it. He would be a terrific father.
Josh, unaware of Lexa, sat watching the mother and child walk away. The store was quiet except for the check out counters up front.
Lexa walked over to Josh and before he knew what was happening, she settled in his lap with her arms around his neck. "Hi, Santa. Can I tell you what I want for Christmas?"
He fell in with her game. "I don't know. You're an awfully big girl. Do you still believe in Santa Claus?"
"I'll always believe in Santa Claus. And I'm not so big," she protested.
His hand slid under her coat, slid down her hip and thigh. Then he jiggled her on his legs, endangering her balance. "Not too big, not too small. I guess I could say you're just right."
She hung on tighter. "Just right for you."
He laughed. "You should know. Especially after last night. I didn't realize your lips and tongue could be so deliciously skillful."
"Santa! We don't talk about things like that in public."
He checked the area around them. "I don't see any public."
She poked him in the stomach. "Are you going to listen to what I want for Christmas?"
"How long is this list?" he asked suspiciously.
She pondered his question. "About a foot long."
"Shorten it. This suit is getting hot. Let alone the rash I'm probably getting from the beard."
"Oh, the disadvantages of being Santa Claus," she sympathized.
"I can tell you really feel sorry for me."
She wiggled on his lap. "More and more every minute."
He grinned at her. "Sit still if you want to tell me what you want for Christmas."
She behaved for the moment. "I'll just list the most important. I want at least ten kisses a day, twelve hugs, a massage once a week."
She had other wishes but none she wanted to reveal yet.
She kissed him with his beard tickling her chin and nose. "That's all. For now."
After he studied her for a long moment, he said, "My glasses are steaming up. Let's go upstairs so I can get this suit off."
She hopped off his lap. As soon as they walked through the double doors to the stock room, Josh flicked off his hat and beard. Then he took Lexa into his arms. "Now I want a real kiss."
"I don't give artificial ones," she returned smartly.
His kiss punished her for her impudence and praised her for her femininity, but when he drew her into his body, he couldn't feel her against him. "Damn. I've got to get out of this suit."
She giggled. "I always wondered how it would feel to make love to Santa Claus."
"Not very satisfying."
"You don't know that. Some day you might have a beer belly."
"Heaven help me."
"I'd still love you," she said, tentative as she suddenly realized more that than anything else in the world, she wished for a marriage proposal from Josh.
His blue eyes were serious. "Would you?"
They stared at each other, probing the depths of their love. Josh's voice was gravelly when he said, "Let's go upstairs."
When they reached the top of the stairwell, Josh opened the door to his apartment and let Lexa pass through. They stopped in Josh's bedroom. He unbuckled his wide black belt, threw it to the chair and unbuttoned the red jacket. "What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you had a meeting at the Y."
"I did."
He took the padding out of his jacket. There was a note in her voice that made him look at her speculatively. "It must have been a short meeting." He shucked off the jacket and unzipped the pants.
"I didn't go." She stood perfectly still by his dresser to wait for his reaction.
Josh kicked off the cumbersome black boots and stepped out of the pants. "Why not? Was it cancelled?"
She stared at his long, powerful legs, the beauty of his male body. "No. I called the coordinator of the teen program and told her I wouldn't be able to attend any more meetings."
Josh laid the red pants on the bedroom chair, propping the boots beneath it. "Did you tell her why?" His inflection said he wanted to know himself.
Lexa waited until he was standing straight, facing her. "I told her my personal life needed more attention."
He approached her slowly. "Exactly what does that mean?"
"I'm going to stay involved at the senior center and give one night a week to tutoring. The rest of the nights are ours."
He grinned. "I thought I was Santa Claus."
She spread her fingers on his shoulders, appreciating the hardness, his strength. "What do you mean?"
He began unbuttoning her silk dress. "That was one of my wishes for Christmas, but I didn't think it would happen."
"Josh, I love you."
He caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. "I believe you do."
"Didn't you believe it before?" she asked, hurt by his doubt.
"I knew you loved me, but I wasn't sure how committed you were."
"Do I have to prove it by spending every night with you?" she asked sadly, stepping away from his hand.
He reached out and grasped her forearms to pull her toward him again. "Of course not. I told you I respect what you do. But I needed to know I was as important as everything else."
She realized he had uncertainties and vulnerabilities just as she did. "You are more important than everything else."
He hugged her to him and asked hoarsely, "Do you want to take a shower with me?"
She tilted her head back while devils danced in her eyes. "Is that a proposition, Santa?"
Although he released her, his look was as powerful as a physical caress. "It sure is, Number One Elf."
She felt closer to Josh tonight than she'd ever felt. He held out his hand to her and she took it. She'd love him the best way she knew how and maybe afterwards, she'd find the courage to tell him about her sterility.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Josh sat in Tom Norman's office, examining blueprints for the expansion of
his store. He tapped his forefinger on a white line. "I like the special section for family games and outdoor sports."
The husky, overweight contractor said, "Yeah. The boob tube and computers are making kids lazy. One night a week we turn off the computers and TV and play games after dinner. The kids look forward to it. Me and my wife, too. You married?"
Josh had had several meetings with Tom and the contractor had inspected Clare's house. But they'd never talked about anything more than business. "No, not yet."
"Don't rush it." Norman poked his cigar at Josh for emphasis. "There's lots of fish in the sea. And it's damn hard to find the right one. Lucky for us men, there's no hurry. We can have kids when we're was seventy. That's somethin', isn't it?"
"It sure is," Josh agreed with a smile. "But kids aren't the only reason to get married."
Tom shrugged his brawny shoulders. "No, maybe not. My wife and me, we still go bowling and out to dinner. She tells me we have to, so when the kids all move out, we won't be strangers. She hears this stuff on talk shows then tells me about it. Some of it's crazy. But she has good sense. She only tells me what she thinks will work."
"Have you been married long?"
"Eighteen years."
"That's a long time." Josh wondered what Lexa would look like eighteen years from now. With her classic beauty, she'd age gracefully.
"Yep. When we hit twenty-five, we're gonna take one of those cruises around the Caribbean. Ever been there?"
"No, I haven't." But it would be a great place to honeymoon. He and Lexa could go to St. Thomas, Martinique or maybe she would prefer Hawaii. In a flash Josh realized he had decided he was going to ask Lexa to marry him...now...tonight. Maybe then she could tell him. Maybe then she'd realize he'd love her, children or no children.
Tom Norman motioned to the blueprints. "So everything here meets your approval?"
Happiness stirred Josh's heart as he brought his attention back to Tom and kept his excitement in check. "Sure does. You've done a good job."
"I'll get back to you in a couple of days about a start date. Are you going to be around over Christmas?"
After he asked Lexa to marry him, he didn't know what she'd want to do. She might want to go to her dad's for a few days. "I'm not sure. If I go out of town, I'll give you a call."
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