Toys and Baby Wishes

by Karen Rose Smith

  A tear rolled down her cheek followed by another. "Josh, I feel as if I'm being pulled ten different ways and I have to sort it out. But I can't do that until I talk to Dani and Rob. They're at my dad's and that's where I'm going."

  He looked at her as if she was out of her mind. "You're not serious about going tonight."

  She lifted her coat from the sofa and put it on. "Yes, I am. As soon as I get packed."

  His question was clipped. "When will you be back?"

  She turned away and picked up her purse. "I don't know."

  "Lexa, I can't come with you tonight. This close to Christmas I'd have to make some arrangements...at least give it a day or so."

  "I'm not asking you to leave, but I am asking you to understand. I have to go to Dani. Tonight. Please, Josh, try to see--"

  He cut in harshly. "Go if you have to."

  "Josh..." He made no move toward her and she couldn't move toward him. She walked to the door and put her hand on the doorknob. He said nothing. She opened the door and walked out into the cold winter night.

  ***

  It was three in the morning when Lexa arrived at her father's. He was sitting in the living room, staring into the fire when Lexa let herself in. She left her suitcase and coat in the foyer and went to sit beside him on the sofa. Donald Kittredge took one look at his daughter and opened his arms. Lexa had had time to think and time to feel and there was no way she could stop the tears.

  "Honey, for your sake, I wish this hadn't happened."

  Lexa swallowed a sob and raised her head. "Dad, isn't there anything I can do, anything I can say to convince her?"

  "This is between you and Dani. All I can say is don't let it destroy your relationship with her. I talked to her and Rob and they didn't come to this decision lightly or on a whim. I saw a strength in Dani tonight that has never been there before."

  "Dad, I wanted this baby so much."

  "I know you did. This seemed like the perfect solution to you, but it was too perfect. I know I wasn't around much, but I saw what often happened between you and Dani. Dani got into jams; you got her out of them. I'm not saying that was wrong, but maybe it kept her from growing up. You were always there to make everything right. This time there's a difference. What's right for you might not be right for her."

  "Do you think I pushed her into this?"

  Her father was frank. "No. I think she was confused and you handed her a solution. But it wasn't the right solution."

  "I might never have a baby." Her eyes were desolate. "I might never have a child to raise."

  "Maybe not a baby, Lexa. But I know you. I know there are children out there that no one wants. There are older children who are hard to place. Have you considered what you could give to one of them?"

  Her father had given her something to think about. She leaned back against the sofa, letting her head lay heavily against the cushion. "I could offer a lot. So could Josh."

  "It would also give you and Josh more time to be alone together before that happens." Donald seemed to sense Lexa was worried about something else. "What's wrong?"

  She sat up. "I was at Josh's when Dani called."

  "And?" he prodded.

  "I was shocked, numb, upset. I...I came here instead of staying with him. He thinks I don't trust him. He might never forgive me for walking out."

  "Never's a long time."

  "This was serious, Dad. Earlier tonight he asked me to marry him. Then when Dani called, I told him we might never have any children."

  "Just tonight?"

  "Yes. But he already knew because he overheard me talking to Dani when we were here." She suddenly realized something tremendously important. "He asked me to marry him and he already knew."

  Donald patted Lexa's leg. "That should tell you how much he loves you."

  "He did love me. I don't know if he still does."

  "Trust him, honey. Trust in his love."

  Donald Kittredge's words kept ringing in Lexa's ears as she slept for a few hours, wakened and dressed. The more she thought about yesterday's events, she realized she was more concerned about her relationship with Josh than about losing the child. It perplexed her until she understood that Josh's love was the most important thing in her life. It mattered more than anything else. The thought of losing that love scared her to death. She picked up the phone to call him, but put it back down. What she had to say, she had to say in person.

  When Lexa entered the kitchen, Dani was eating a breakfast of toast and tea. Dani glanced at her sister nervously. "Lexa, I know how much this has probably hurt you and upset your plans. But I had to make this decision. I don't want to lose you, but I have to keep this baby."

  Lexa poured herself a cup of coffee and carried it to the bar. "It's always been you and me against everyone else. We had each other and we didn't let anybody else in. Maybe it wasn't good for you. Maybe it wasn't good for me."

  "You're sorry we're close?" Dani asked, her eyes filling with tears.

  Lexa climbed on a stool next to her sister. "No, I'm not sorry about that. But maybe you depended on me too much and I got used to it. Maybe I crowded you."

  "You didn't crowd me."

  "No?"

  Dani fingered the handle of her butter knife. "No. I let you take care of me, do things for me, because it was the easy thing to do. I let you solve my problems so I didn't have to. I knew what I was doing, Lexa, even if you didn't."

  "We were using each other."

  "How did you use me?" Dani asked, turning on the stool to face Lexa.

  "Fixing things for you made me feel good, made me feel important." Because of Josh, Lexa had examined her life and her relationship with Dani and gained self-knowledge. "It would have been harder for me to stand back and let you make mistakes. So I took the easy road too. That wasn't good for you or me."

  "Lexa, I don't feel this baby's a mistake any more. Maybe I never did. I think I wanted to get pregnant to force Rob to make a commitment. When it didn't work, I got scared and didn't know what to do."

  Lexa turned her mug in a circle. "So I came to your rescue. Again."

  "Yes. But this time when you did, something wasn't right. It was like I couldn't let go of it...like...this time I didn't like the way you solved it. Do you know what I mean?"

  "I think so. Your heart was telling you one thing while I was telling you another."

  "That's it. Because even if Rob hadn't changed his mind, I couldn't have given up the baby. When I fell and I thought I might lose it... After that, well, I didn't know how to tell you. And then when Rob came knocking on my door one night, it was like a dream come true."

  "This is reality, Dani."

  "I know that. Believe me, I know we both have some growing up to do." Dani's face became animated and flushed. "But we want it to work. Rob said the thought of living without me, knowing his baby was out there somewhere... He really loves me, Lexa. I know he does. And he loves our child too. I didn't want to do this to you, but it's my whole life that mattered, your whole life."

  Lifting her mug to her lips, Lexa took a small sip. "I was furious with you last night. I was sure that I could change your mind. But after Josh said his piece and I thought about everything, I changed my mind. Your decision still hurts. I wanted this baby badly because it might be my only chance. But this is the one time in your life you should stand on your own two feet and tell me to butt out." Lexa set down her mug and her eyes grew shiny. "I've always loved you, Dani, but now I respect you for doing what your heart knows is right."

  This time Dani reached out and took Lexa's hand. "I love you, Sis."

  Lexa realized they were treating each other as equals for the first time. From now on, they would not only be sisters, but friends.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  On the afternoon of December twenty-fourth, snow flurries spilled from the early afternoon sky. Lexa had driven back to Chambersburg, exceeding all speed limits. But Josh wasn't at the store. He was at a business meeting. And suddenly she was ne
rvous. Maybe she needed to do more than turn up on his doorstep.

  Lifting the heavy brass knocker on the solid wood door of Friendship House, Lexa hoped Clare was home. For someone who never sought out advice, Lexa was learning how. Her father had given her important insights. Now she needed Clare's opinion. After a few moments, the door opened and Clare exclaimed, "You're back!"

  "Yes, and I need to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?"

  Clare took her arm and almost pulled her inside. "Josh has been a bear. He wouldn't tell me when you'd be back."

  "He didn't know."

  After Lexa removed her coat, Clare led her to the kitchen. "I'll put on a pot of tea. It's cold enough outside to freeze my bones."

  Lexa didn't hear any noise in the house. "Where is everyone?"

  "Trudy's upstairs packing. Her children are driving in tonight to take her back to Scranton with them for a week. Jim's helping a church group sell Christmas trees."

  Lexa sat at the table while Clare put the water on to boil. "Are you ready for Christmas?" Lexa didn't feel like making small talk but she couldn't jump right in.

  "As ready as I'm going to be. I have two more presents to wrap." She gave Lexa a probing glare. "But you're not here to talk about me. Does Josh know you're back?"

  Lexa met Clare's eyes. "No."

  "I think he had an appointment with his contractor this afternoon," Clare revealed.

  "Are you going to see him tonight?"

  Lexa was too restless to sit. She stood and paced the kitchen. "Yes, but I'm not sure how he feels."

  "You're not going to find out until you talk to him."

  Lexa stopped at the refrigerator and took out a lemon. "I thought he might have spoken to you."

  Clare smiled sympathetically. "Are you using me as a barometer?"

  "I guess so." Lexa took a cutting board from the hook on the wall and set it on the counter. "This is new to me, Clare. I've always been sure of myself and sure of the people around me. In the last few weeks, I've discovered my father's someone I didn't know, my sister needs to stand on her own two feet without my interference, and Josh... I love him more than I ever thought I could. Did you know he asked me to marry him?"

  "He told me at your dinner. He couldn't help it; he was ready to burst."

  "I disappointed him. I might have destroyed what we had."

  Clare opened the tea canister and removed two tea bags. "I saw him last night. He stopped in for a while. Lexa, I'm sorry about Dani and the baby. I can understand why you thought you had to leave right away."

  "I shouldn't have been so impulsive. I should have waited for Josh to go with me. He probably thinks I don't want to marry him."

  "Do you?"

  "More than I want anything. But I don't know what he's thinking and feeling. Did he tell you..."

  "That you can't have children? Yes. He said that's why you were so upset you couldn't adopt Dani's baby."

  "Do you think he truly doesn't care about having children?" Lexa cut the lemon into thin slices. "I don't want to marry Josh and deprive him. He's so good with kids."

  The teapot whistled and Clare turned off the gas burner. "What did Josh say?"

  Lexa took two mugs from the wooden tree and set them on the table. "He says it doesn't matter. He says we have each other."

  Pouring water into the cups, Clare said, "Believe him. Lexa, I raised that boy. I know him almost as well as I know myself. He might be a tad stubborn, he might get angry a bit too easily when it's something he cares about, but he's an honest man. He doesn't say what he doesn't mean."

  In the depths of her soul, Lexa knew Clare was right. Josh was an honorable man...a man of his word. He might be angry with her, but he wouldn't stop loving her. Not easily, not quickly, and not without a fight. Her own doubts and fears had prevented her from trusting his love. But she could now. If he would listen to her.

  Lexa sat at the table, swinging her tea bag back and forth in the mug. "I have to convince Josh I love him, I want to be his wife, and I'll do anything to prove it. Do you have any ideas?"

  Sitting down across from her, Clare asked, "Do you have a key to his apartment?"

  Lexa felt her cheeks get hot. "Yes."

  Clare smiled knowingly. "I don't keep myself hidden in a cocoon."

  Lexa cleared her throat. "What do you have in mind?"

  "You could have a nice dinner waiting when he comes home as a peace offering."

  Lexa figured a reconciliation would take more than dinner. As she thought about it, a plan began to form. "Do you know if Josh has bought a Christmas tree?"

  Clare looked puzzled. "I don't think so. He's been busy at the store. Why?"

  "Because I'm going to show him what Christmas is all about. Then maybe he'll accept an apology."

  "Are you planning a surprise attack?" Clare's eyes twinkled at the thought.

  Lexa formulated exactly what she was going to do. "Not an attack. A homecoming."

  "Do you need help?"

  "No. But thanks for asking. This is something I have to do on my own." She stood up and smiled apologetically. "I won't have time for the tea."

  Clare's smile said she understood. "Go do what you have to do so we can all have a happy Christmas."

  ***

  First Lexa stopped at a roadside tree stand and bought a three-foot evergreen. It was small enough for her to handle, large enough to proclaim the Christmas spirit. Stopping at a discount store, she bought ornaments replete with a star for the tree top. She also picked up a red and green elf's hat with a red tassel on the tip and strings of little bells. The next stop was the lingerie boutique where she bought a bright red satin teddy, panties, and green net stockings. After she purchased eight helium foil balloons, half saying "I love you," half printed with "Merry Christmas," she shopped at a grocery store for all the ingredients she needed for supper.

  Lexa drove to Josh's apartment, praying he wouldn't come home before she finished her preparations. After peeling potatoes and scraping carrots, she placed the pot roast with the vegetables in the oven on low so they could eat whenever they felt like it. Talking could take a while. She caught her breath when she thought about the reunion that might follow. Quickly paring apples and mixing a crumb topping, she popped the apple crisp in the oven while she set up the Christmas tree on one end table. Attaching the helium balloons to the outside porch railing was difficult in the wind.

  While Lexa changed into the teddy and stockings, she sniffed. The pot roast was cooking, the cinnamon from the apples wafted through the apartment. She tied the bells around her ankles before slipping on black spiked heels and added the hat at a jaunty angle on her head. Now all she needed was Josh. Preferably in a receptive mood.

  Sitting in a corner of the sofa, she nervously paged through a magazine and was plagued by doubts. Would Josh believe that it was purely love that brought her to him? Would he believe he was more important than the senior center, an award, adopting a child? What if he didn't? Would he think the elf costume was in bad taste? Maybe she should take it off.

  Lexa had jumped up and started down the hall to the bedroom when she heard someone coming up the back stairs. Josh. Was she ready? Well, ready or not...

  She had scurried back to the living room when she heard more than one voice and realized Josh wasn't alone. She panicked. What was she going to do?

  Lexa made it to the kitchen just as the men entered the living room. She plastered herself against the wall next to the refrigerator so she couldn't be seen and kept her feet still so she wouldn't jingle. She heard Josh say, "The cost estimates are what I expected, Tom. When do you think we can begin construction?"

  Oh, Lord, Lexa thought. His contractor. There was no way she could make herself known. If he saw her, he'd think she was absolutely crazy, let alone what he'd think about Josh's taste in women. And if he left by the outside door, the balloons were flying... She swallowed hard and tried to remain calm so she could think her way out of this mess.

  "We could b
egin by March one, weather permitting."

  Lexa wondered why Josh didn't answer but then she heard him say, "What the dickens?"

  "What's wrong?" Tom Norman asked.

  "This Christmas tree. It wasn't here when I left. I wonder if the employees thought I needed some spirit."

  "They come into your apartment?"

  "They never have before."

  "Do you cook?" Tom questioned.

  "When I have to."

  "It smells like someone's been cooking."

  Lexa heard Josh's footsteps come near the kitchen. "I don't understand..." And then he saw her. Complete astonishment played over his face as Lexa put her finger to her lips to tell him not to give away her presence. He scrutinized her from head to toe, letting his eyes linger on her breasts, on the scant panties, on the lace stockings. She couldn't read the feelings behind his eyes as his face became expressionless.

  Josh answered Tom. "Maybe someone has found some Christmas spirit and decided I shouldn't have to go to McDonald's on Christmas Eve. Would you like a beer?"

  Lexa shook her head negatively to knock that idea out of Josh's head. She didn't want to be stuck against the wall any longer than necessary. If she moved, the bells would ring and give her away.

  To her dismay, Tom answered, "Yeah. Sounds good. I'm not going back to the office."

  Josh ignored the plea in Lexa's eyes as he opened the refrigerator, took out a bottle of beer, opened it, and found a glass. Without another look at her, he took it to the living room and gave it to Tom. "Are you doing anything special tonight?"

  "We always go over to my mother-in-law's. The kids love it. They get presents tonight from all their relatives and when they wake up tomorrow they find the ones from Santa Claus. Something's going to go out of Christmas when the two youngest find out there's no Santa Claus. I guess I'm crazy, but I want to keep them kids as long as I can."

  "You have four, right?"

  "All boys. Man, can they make a ruckus. But that's the way kids are. Hey, what are you doin' tonight? Not spending it alone, are you?"

  "I thought I was. But I suppose plans can change at the last minute."