I started to laugh, but he continued, his anger building. “You don’t know what it’s like for me, lying to all my friends, pretending you and I are really lovers. All my friends have girlfriends who aren’t afraid to make love.”
“You mean you make up stories about us?” I asked.
“Of course. You want me to look like a fool?”
“Is that what you would be if we didn’t sleep together, a fool? What about caring for me and my feelings?”
“That’s what I want to do,” he said stepping closer. “Care for your feelings. Come on, let’s go with the others.”
“I’d rather stay here, Claude,” I said after taking a deep breath.
He shook his head. “You’re never going to make love with me, are you?”
“I’m not going to make love just to keep some high school kids from thinking I’m a fool. It has to be something more serious.”
He nodded. I saw that his eyes were a little blood-shot. “I think you should give me back my ring,” he said. “It’s just wasting away around your neck.”
My heart was pounding to have such a dark and unhappy thing happen on this night, of all nights.
“Well?” he said. “What is it going to be?”
I undid the chain that held his ring on my bosom and handed it back to him.
He was surprised and clutched it roughly in his fist. “I should have listened to my friends. They all told me you were just a brain with no feelings. You probably went home and wrote a report after every date we had, didn’t you?”
“Of course not,” I said.
“I feel sorry for you,” he continued, shaking his head. “You’ll always be dissecting people. What did you do, take your temperature and decide tonight was a prime egg night?” he asked with his lips twisted into a sarcastic smirk. His words were like darts aimed at my heart. Tears burned under my eyelids, but I wouldn’t permit myself to cry in front of him.
“Are you coming, Claude?” Diane Ratner asked as she crooked her shoulder suggestively.
“You’re damn right I am,” he said and smiled at her. Then he put his arm through hers and embraced her tightly around the waist. She squealed with glee and flashed a look of satisfaction at me. I could just hear her bragging: “You might be our class valedictorian and you might have this big house and great party, but I have your boyfriend.
“Satisfied?” Claude asked me.
“Yes. If this is what you’ve decided is most important, then I am very satisfied. I made the right decision,” I said.
His smile faded quickly. “Go read a book,” he snapped.
“A dry one,” Diane added. Their peals of laughter trailed after them as they joined the others and headed for the front door.
Catherine came running over to me. “What are you doing?”
“The sensible thing,” I said. She shook her head and looked toward the others. “Go on. Don’t worry about me. I’m all right.”
“This was supposed to be our night to howl,” she whined.
“We all howl in different ways, I suppose. Why did you let them destroy my speech? I thought we were close friends.”
“It was just a joke. I knew you would be all right,” she said but she averted her gaze.
“Friends protect and look after each other, but I suppose that takes some maturity,” I added dryly.
Her eyes snapped back, full of fire. “I don’t know what to think about you anymore, Pearl. Maybe you’re too full of yourself for the rest of us. I’m disappointed,” she added and turned away to hurry after the others. I watched them all leave the house, and for a moment, all the music, all the chatter and the laughter, faded. I heard only Claude’s angry words and Catherine’s disappointment.
I bit down on my lower lip and sucked back the sobs that clamored to escape. Even though I had eaten, I had a hollow feeling in my stomach. Was I too much of a goody-goody? Was I just a brain?
I looked back at my party. Everyone was having such a good time, and Daddy had never looked younger or happier. Mommy was in a conversation with some of her gallery friends. All of my classmates had gone. Why, on this, the night I was supposed to feel so wonderful, was I standing here feeling devastated? I hurried out the side doors and walked down the patio toward the pool and cabana, leaving the jolly sounds of laughter, music, and chatter behind me.
I folded my arms under my breasts and walked slowly with my head down. Suddenly the twins and two of their friends jumped out of the hedges at me, all of them screaming, “Boo!”
“Get away from me!” I cried harshly.
Pierre’s jaw dropped, but Jean kept laughing.
“We were just fooling, Pearl,” Pierre said.
“I don’t have the patience for the two of you right now. Leave me alone!” I yelled at them.
“We’re sorry,” Pierre said. He seized Jean’s arm. “Come on. Let’s go see if we can get some ice cream.”
“What’s the matter with her?” Jean asked, confused.
“Let’s go,” Pierre ordered. Although Jean was stronger, he obeyed his brother, and the four of them scurried back to the house, leaving me with my shadows.
Above, the sky that had been mostly clear with stars gleaming was growing increasingly overcast. It was as if the clouds were being drawn from one horizon to the other like some great dark curtain to shut out the heavens and shut away the happiness I had experienced this day. I planted myself on a lounge chair and listened to the sounds of the city that drifted over our walls.
“What’s wrong, Pearl?” I heard someone say a short while later. I looked up to see Mommy standing in the shadows.
“Nothing.”
She stepped into the pale glow of the patio lights. “I know you too well, honey, and you know I feel your sadness,” she said. She did, too. We were so close at times, it made Daddy shake his head in wonder. “I carried you inside me. We’re too much a part of each other not to know each other’s deepest feelings. What happened?”
I shrugged. “I said no, and everyone left. They think I’m a goody-goody, a brain without feelings.”
“Oh, I see.” She sat down beside me. In the increasing darkness, her face was hidden in shadow, but her eyes caught the pale light and glimmered with sympathy. “I know it’s painful for you to drive your friends away, but you have to do what your heart tells you is right.
“Once, a long time ago,” she added, “I said no, and I think I saved my life.”
“Really? What happened?”
“My sister and a boyfriend came by in a car and asked me to go along with them. They had been smoking pot, and I saw they were already high, laughing, being reckless. They thought I was a party pooper, too, and I remember wondering if maybe there wasn’t something wrong with me, maybe I was too old for my age.”
“That was the night of the accident that crippled Gisselle?”
“Yes and killed the boy. I’m not saying something terrible has to happen all the time, but you’ve got to follow your instincts and believe in yourself.”
“It was fun being with Claude sometimes; he’s the most popular boy in school. But I didn’t have a strong enough feeling for him. The fact is, I haven’t had a strong feeling for any boy yet, Mommy. Is that odd? Am I too analytical? Am I just a brain?”
“Of course not,” she said, laughing. “Why do you have to become seriously involved with someone while you’re still so young?”
“You did,” I said quickly and then regretted it.
“It was different for me, Pearl. I came from a different sort of life. I told you that. My childhood was rushed. I wish I had had more time to be young and carefree.”
“But you did fall in love with Daddy soon after you met him, didn’t you?”
“I suppose.” Even in the darkness, I could see the tiny smile on her lips as she remembered. “We had our first kiss out here, in that cabana, a kiss that changed my life. But that doesn’t mean it has to be that way for everyone, especially for you,” she continued quickly. “You’re going to have a
career, and you’re dedicated to higher things than most of your friends are,” she added.
“Is that good?” I wondered aloud. “Will I miss something important?”
“I don’t think so, honey. I think you’re destined for more important things, and when you fall in love and someone falls in love with you, it will be a greater relationship than you can imagine now.”
“I almost feel as if I should go to Marie Laveau’s in the French Quarter and get some love powder,” I said, and Mommy laughed.
“Who told you about that? Don’t say I did,” she added quickly.
“No, I read about it. You never did anything like that, did you?”
“No, but once in a while I’d burn a candle or Nina Jackson would burn some brimstone to keep away evil spirits she thought might be hovering about me. I suppose you think that’s silly,” she said. “And maybe it is.”
“I don’t know. Maybe if I were less scientific, I’d be happier,” I said. “I know my friends would like me more.”
“Nonsense. Don’t be someone you’re not just to please someone else,” Mommy warned.
“Hey,” Daddy called from the patio doors, “are you out here, Ruby?”
“Yes, Beau.”
“Some of your friends are leaving and want to say good night.”
“I’m coming.”
“Something wrong?” Daddy asked when he saw I was with Mommy.
“No.”
He stood there, skeptical. “Are you sure?”
“I’m fine, Daddy,” I said. “We’re coming in.” I rose, and Mommy put her arm around me.
“And you are fine, too,” she said squeezing me. “I’m proud of you, not just because you were the valedictorian and made a wonderful speech, but because you’re sensible and mature. You don’t know how wonderful it is to have a daughter you can trust and rely upon.”
“Thank you, Mommy.” I kissed her on the cheek and smelled her hair and perfume and felt my heart lighten. I was lucky, and I would not let anything darken this wonderful day and this wonderful night, I thought.
After our guests left, the twins whined and begged for me to open some of the graduation presents. Mommy wanted them to go to bed, but Daddy said it was a special night and they could stay up a little later, so we all went into the sitting room, and I unwrapped some of the gifts.
There was clothing for college and some expensive reference books. Dr. Portier and his wife had given me the latest edition of Gray’s Anatomy.
The twins became bored with my presents rather quickly. The two of them sank back in the larger settee, resting against each other, Pierre’s arm over Jean’s shoulders, Jean’s eyes blinking and battling the weight of his eyelids. Finally Daddy nudged them and ordered them to bed. They had no resistance left and stumbled along. He guided them upstairs, and Mommy followed to be sure the two of them were all right.
Daddy returned first. “Happy, princess?” he asked.
“Yes, Daddy.”
“It was the happiest day of my life,” he said.
“No, it wasn’t, Daddy.”
“What?”
“The happiest day of your life was the day you met Mommy.”
He laughed. “That’s different.”
“But it was your happiest day, wasn’t it?”
“I didn’t know it at the time, but yes, it was. I met her right outside this house, and I thought she was her sister in a Mardi Gras costume.”
“How does a man know when he’s in love, Daddy? Do bells really ring in your head?”
“Bells?” He smiled. “I don’t remember bells. I just remember that my first thought every morning when I awoke was of being with your mother.” He stared at me. “Trouble with Claude?” I nodded. “The problem is simple, Pearl. You’re too mature for him.”
“I’m too mature for all the boys my age.”
“Maybe.”
“Does that mean I’ll be happy only with a much older man?”
“No,” he said, laughing. “Not necessarily. And don’t you bring home anyone who could be your father,” he warned. Then we hugged and started upstairs. At my bedroom doorway, he kissed me on the forehead.
“Good night, princess,” he said.
“Night, Daddy.”
“When you were opening your gifts downstairs,” he said, “I thought I saw something around your ankle. Is it what I think?” I nodded. He shook his head. “Well, they say if you believe in something hard enough, it will happen. Who am I to disagree?” He kissed me again, and I went into my room.
Mommy came to say good night, too. I told her Daddy had seen the dime.
“Now he’ll tease me to death,” she said. “But I don’t care. I’ve seen my grandmere do things that defied reason and logic.”
“There’s so much you still haven’t told me about the past, isn’t there?”
“Yes,” she said sadly.
“But you will now. You’ll tell me everything, won’t you? The good and the bad. Promise?”
“Just think happy thoughts tonight, honey. There’s plenty of time to open the dark closets.” She kissed me and stared down at me a moment with that angelic smile on her lips, and then she left.
I could hear music in the night, trumpets and saxophones, trombones and drums. New Orleans was a city that hated to go to sleep. It was as if it knew that when it did, the spirits and ghosts that hovered outside the wall of laughter, music, and song would have free rein to wander the streets and invade our dreams.
At Lester’s house Claude was probably kissing Diane. It was supposed to be my kiss.
My kiss was on hold, waiting in the wings for the lips of my mysterious lover. But maybe that was just a dream, too. Maybe there was no lover and never would be. Maybe one of those curses Mommy feared were left at our doorstep was a curse designed for me.
I reached over to the nightstand and opened the locket Aunt Jeanne had given me, so that I could gaze at myself being held by Paul. Love could be painful, too, I thought.
I had graduated from high school as class valedictorian, but at the moment I felt I didn’t know very much. I closed the locket, turned off the lights, and closed my eyes.
Then I fell asleep to the sound of the applause I had received when I ended my speech saying, “Today is commencement, and commencement means a beginning.”
Was it the beginning of happiness and success or the beginning of loneliness and error?
“Don’t look down,” Mommy had once told me. “Be like a tightrope walker and keep your eyes focused on the future. You have to have more trust in yourself, Pearl.”
That was what I would try to do.
3
A Brave New World
The first official day of summer vacation declared itself with record heat. Temperatures cleared the one hundred and five mark and the humidity was so high, I imagined I could see droplets forming in the air right before my eyes. I had only a few blocks to walk to catch the Saint Charles streetcar, which would take me to Broadmoor General Hospital, where I was to work, but by the time I stepped into the car, my clothes were sopping wet and my hair felt glued to my forehead and scalp. Everyone looked subdued by the heat and humidity and sat with drawn, tired faces, anxious to get into their air-conditioned workplaces. Even the canopy of spreading oak, usually high and regal, appeared weighted down and exhausted, the leaves drooping sadly. The birds that normally flitted about joyfully, looked stuffed and stuck to these branches, not wasting their energy.
But despite the weather, I was bubbling with excitement. Although I didn’t expect to do much more than aid the nurses and run errands, I was still looking forward to being around the medical staff and seeing and hearing the business of caring for the sick. For the first time in my life, really, I would be part of that mysterious, magical world in which doctors and nurses, with wisdom, knowledge, and insight, determined the treatments that would heal people and save lives. It wasn’t too much of a stretch for me to understand how and why Mommy’s Cajun relatives believed i
n the power of traiteurs. Even though medicine was a science, doctors and nurses were magicians in the minds of most people. They listened to and viewed our insides to discover where our bodies broke down and what tiny enemies had invaded us to do us harm.
Broadmoor General had been constructed on a grassy knoll. Two pairs of tall, full sycamore trees stood out in front, and patches of Queen Anne’s lace ran alongside the driveway. The gardens were filled with azaleas, yellow and red roses, and hibiscus. Trumpet vine ran over the lower gallery, and purple wisteria peeked through the scrolled iron fence. Off to the right was a small pond, the water the color of dark tea.
The original building had been a mansion seized by the Confederate army during the Civil War and converted into an emergency hospital. The facility had been expanded and modernized over the years, but it wasn’t one of the city’s biggest. However, Daddy thought I would get more out of working in a small hospital because it would be more personal.
The streetcar stopped about a block away, and I walked quickly to the front entrance. The lobby was tiny compared to those of the more modern hospitals in the city. The old chandeliers had been replaced with bright, antiseptic-looking fluorescent lights, and the beige walls had been freshly painted. The tile floor had just been scrubbed; a small sign warned about it being slippery. I paused at the information desk to get directions to the personnel office. An elderly lady in a pink uniform directed me to the short corridor on the right and told me it was the first door on the left.
I found a tall, dark-haired woman slamming file cabinet drawers closed while she kept her eyes on a duplicating machine that was spitting out forms. When she turned to see who had entered the office, I noticed a thin blue ink stain on her chin. She was at least six feet tall with very hard, bony features. Her collarbones were prominent under her dark blue blouse. She had long arms and hands with slender fingers.
Her smile was a quick rubberband tightening of her lips, a pale red line slashed across her face. She tweaked her slim nose and widened her dull brown eyes, the lids of which had been drooping to the point of shutting completely. She gasped before speaking as if she had to suck in enough air to make speech sounds first.
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