She pulled away to look at my hair for the first time. I blushed. It was a frizzy, mud brown mess. I didn’t want her to actually focus on it.
She ran her fingers through the hair and sighed softly. “It’s so smooth. And soft.” She spoke softly, before returning to her mission and kissing my neck again.
I shivered at the foreign sensation of her soft lips on my neck. The spark got even stronger as she kissed and sucked on my neck. Oh dear. I hissed at the feeling and felt her laughter more than I heard her. She liked that she could make me make that sound.
She kissed down my neck and I turned a darker red. Oh… oooh. She removed my shirt and my bra.
She stared at me in my half nude glory. I flushed. My body is not as perfect as it used to be. I gained some weight from all the cheap food I’ve been eating and most day’s I’ve been sleeping through my usual gym time. “Beautiful,” Her voice rasped. “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”
I opened my mouth to say something, probably to diffuse the tension that built up when she spoke. I was all choked up. Nobody… had ever said anything half as kind to me. I choked on my words as her lips found purchase on one of my hardened nipples. Aaah! It was like the shock went straight from my nipple to my throbbing core. How?
Her fingers played with my other nipple as she sucked on that one. I whimpered as she teased me. “A-Amber.” I whimpered. “Amber please.” I was begging her. To stop? To continue? I don’t even know. But I need it.
“Shh.” She silenced me, with another kiss on the lips. "Don't worry, I'll make you feel good." And then her lips were going south. Her hands running over my body and caressing, reverently like I was some exquisite thing. One of her hands touched the wet spot on my pants, where my juices had soaked through. "See? I'll make you feel amazing, I swear."
I helped her remove my pants and my underwear. Her hands ran over my legs as she put a dental dam on me. Her lips then teased me by kissing around my thighs, avoiding where I actually needed her.
“AMB-uhhh.” I tried to reprimand her for teasing me the way she did. She cut me off by immediately setting to work on my neglected pussy. She found my clitoris within seconds and wrapped her mouth around the nub, her tongue caressing it.
She knew just how to make me crazy.
Oh god. Right there. That’s just the spot.
When she hit just the right spot, I cried out as my hips shook. I whimpered and writhed beneath her experienced mouth.
I was almost embarrassed by my lack of stamina, as my orgasm coursed through me after only a few minutes.
"Yes, let's go," I said, shaking the thought from my head.
When we got to her home, I immediately ran into her mother. She was so severe looking, I always thought she would look more natural in a detention facility. Maybe that’s why she hated me. She could read my thoughts. Okay, to be honest, I don’t quite understand why. I mean, I guess I could understand why. The same reason I was to marry the man my mother set me up with. A girl needs the assets, the money, to like a happy life with the person they choose.
I have some things, however, money is not one of them. When it comes to the money, I am poor, even though I am rich in many other ways. How am I to provide her with the life she needs? She needs financial stability. She needs someone who can take care of her and Sarah.
I could…I hope. One day I can. When I graduate. When I join that big tech company that I’m definitely gonna get into. When I get a stable job and a huge six-figure income. But, will that day come soon enough. Do I have the right to take little Sarah away from some hypothetical person who could buy her the world?
I don’t think Amber has ever thought of that.
That is why I am afraid.
One day, she's gonna realize. It's either my happiness or Sarah's potential happiness.
As terrible as it is, I think, in that case, she would choose Sarah.
She would choose the best life for her daughter over anyone she likes any day of the year.
No one can really fault her for that.
I don't think I'd make the same decision if I was her. But, maybe Amber and I are just a little bit too different.
Chapter 7
Watching her think will never get boring. I think this about both Nadia and my baby girl, and it is no less true. Sarah’s eyes light up when she figures out the solution to the problem in a way that twists my stomach with happiness. Nadia’s face twists and changes as her eyes dart around as if she sees things.
I didn’t like how she seemed at the end of her thinking this time. There was a look of resignation on her face, her lips curled down in a frown as she realized something. What… what is so bad that it made her so sad? Whatever it was, I hated it.
She sure is glancing at my parents a lot…
That's it! Nadia probably just misses her family or is upset that my parents seem to have this insane idea that Nadia is actually a negative influence on me. That is still the craziest thought I think my parents have ever entertained.
She does make naughty thoughts cross my mind quite often. It’s not my fault. I’m only human. I don’t think anyone has the ability to be around such beauty and grace and genuinely not have such thoughts run amok.
What would it be like? To have her in my arms as we played the night away. To be able to kiss her and feel her lips against mine. An explosion of feelings going throughout my body that electrifies everything as we explore each other’s body as if we had never done so before.
She is an infinitely terrible influence on me in that context and that context alone. Otherwise, she makes me better in every possible way.
I just smiled at her lovingly as she played with Sarah. I wonder if I should be jealous, my little girl likes Nadia even more than she loves me. I am happier about that than I am genuinely upset.
“Don’t you think,” My mother waspishly said to me, after Nadia left. “That you should be more focused on your school and career than spending your time with some girl. You have a daughter to take care of, you can no longer just selfishly think about yourself.”
“Nadia’s been helping me out a lot. She’s a whizz at technology and she helped me learn to organize myself. She even made me a color coded study schedule.” It was somewhere between a humble-brag about my girlfriend and a genuine attempt to diffuse the situation.
“Your mother is right, Amber.” My father’s gruff voice snapped at me. Have I ever heard him use that tone of voice before? It almost made me want to cry. “You are not just our little girl anymore. You need to learn how to make the best, most sensible decision. You’ve always been an optimistic dreamer, but you are an adult now. It isn’t cute anymore. It is naïve and will allow the world to fuck you over.”
"What are you even talking about!" I protested, my voice warbled. I hated this. I get too emotional and angry that my eyes fill with tears and my throat constricts. I don't want to cry. It makes me look bad. I don’t want to be weak. But I am… so angry. And I don’t even know how to deal with it.
I can't help it. All it does is fuel my parent's disapproval. How am I ever gonna do anything if every time push comes to shove I just cry? How am I supposed to call myself an adult if I cry when I'm mad.
“You are being unnecessarily emotional and I don’t want you acting r-” My mother knew just how much it got under my skin when she used that tone. As if I was slow. A toddler. Too young to have any idea about what is actually going on. Too stupid to know how to deal with it.
"No, I'm not!" My voice made it seem like I was cutting through her thick atmosphere of distaste with serrated steel. That's how I felt in that moment. Not weak. Not childish. Cold and rough, unforgivingly so. “What do you have against her? Nadia is kind and sweet and a genius. She takes care of Sarah and she cares about me. She’s sweet and-”
“You’re repeating yourself, Amber-Lynn.” I snarled at the use of my full name. Dad only uses it when he wants to reduce me down to the obedient little angel that I was when I was six. I�
��m not six anymore. I. Am. An. Adult.
“Money.” Mother was always straightforward. She wasn’t very charming because of that fact. I scowled at her angrily. How dare she? “There is so much more to a person than how much money they make. Nadia is the best person I’ve ever met and she makes me want to be a better person!”
“Amber.” My father used the tone of voice that always made me shut my mouth, knowing he means business. “Please, just think about what we said. Your mother and I only have your best interest at heart. And Sarah’s. Don’t you want to give Sarah the best life you possibly could?”
I wanted to rage. I wanted to scream and fight. I couldn’t go quietly. I couldn’t just not put up a fight. I can’t leave Nadia just because it would be easier to… not be with her. But, is it even about me? Doesn’t Sarah deserve the world? She deserves to have all those things I was jealous of all the other kids for having.
She deserves what Nadia can’t give her.
I nodded to my parents. This wasn’t the decision I wanted to make. I don’t have to make it right now. “I…I’ll think about it.” Left my mouth, my voice weak and quiet in a way I despised. Why am I so meek? Why am I so easy to sway.
I long for the day when I was cool, calm, and collected. I was so strong willed. I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get it.
No wonder I am the way I am. I learned the error of my ways from the – No. No, that logic doesn't stand up. That would imply my little angel was a mistake. Some kind of problem. And she isn't. She is an angel.
But… Nadia. Nadia is the best thing I can remember happening to me. Am I wrong about that too? Like how I was wrong that Finn would be my be all and end all lover.
I don’t think she is.
But, am I just simply blind to why this won't work out because I see Nadia through rose colored glasses?
I see her laugh through her nose and I would think anyone else who did it was annoyingly snooty. But when she does it, I think she is adorable.
Oh no. I have it bad. It’s gonna be so hard when it ends.
When she insists on paying the check, with anyone else I would find that demeaning. But I know, Nadia just wants me to spend that extra money on something more important than dinner.
Maybe… maybe they see something I’m blind to.
Maybe it will be better for everyone If I just ended it now.
I overheard mom asking dad why he didn’t just come out and say they would disown me if I kept on behaving like this.
I didn’t listen for the answer.
Chapter 8
So… was it easier? Like a coward, I sent her a text about going "on a break". I was offended when she replied back immediately. So quickly that it insinuated that she had already written the response before I even sent my message.
Within moments I was sent back a paragraph long message that insinuated that I was still a good person because I was only doing this for Sarah. It said she knew I’d dump her by text and she was fine with that. And it said it would be easier for both of us to move on with a clean break.
What is she… she thought I was a coward! The kind of coward to dump someone by text! I am definitely not that kind of coward. I mean, I did dump her by text so she wasn’t wrong, but still! She should think I’m better than this. Did she really think so little of me? I mean, she was right, but. But, she… she was right.
But… I’m not better than this. Clearly.
I have to get my mind off of this, off of her.
I tried to write some of my commission. I am getting paid for this, and I don’t want a single person to say I was late.
The whole piece veered off course from what my customer wanted. There was betrayal and anger. Accusing glances and fear. Fear of what will be. Fear of a plunge into unknown and uncertain futures.
Sometimes the uncertainty is exciting. Like being with someone new and learning all about them. Sometimes it’s a welcome change. Making something completely new that I had never considered previously. Like… sleeping with another girl, who is beautiful and intelligent and sweet. And tastes like candy, and I wonder how the rest of her tastes.
But that doesn’t mean it isn’t scary.
Nobody can just live on faith alone. They need supplies to take care of themselves. They need their own lives. Hopes and dreams are beautiful things, but without the funds to back it up, that’s all they’ll ever be.
I snarled with rage and threw my things around and screamed and cried. I’m supposed to be an adult. I’m a mother. My mind won’t obey me. My brain said I wasn’t a kid. Kids my age went to clubs and partied and got drunk. Kids my age were still kids. We keep being told these are the best years of our lives! Why don’t I get to have it be the best years of my life?
A cry erupted from the crib next to my bed, giving me my answer. Because I have proven that I can’t be trusted with freedom. Because I’m a mother and mothers do not get the kind of freedom I so desperately need.
Mothers have responsibility. They can’t just be with someone they love so dearly. There are rules and reasons why they have to be sensible. Not fall into something crazy and beautiful.
I held Sarah and comforted her. It felt… bleak. Everything did. When Nadia came into my life the world lit up with beauty, wonder, and mystery. It was as if I were being sucked into a fantasy novel with a more beautiful world. Now, it is as if I have been disorientingly pulled into my own world. The colors of everything were dulled.
There was so little saturation to the world now.
Except for Sarah.
Sarah was always the exception, wasn’t she? She was always the brightest spot in the room. Things around her lit up with color.
But for me?
I suppose my lack of color affects the world just as Sarah’s color does.
“When is Auntie Nadia coming?” I took a deep breath as I heard the words.
Chapter 9
Everything is fine, I suppose.
Knowing something is coming, it seems, affects how much it hits you very little.
It is something akin to watching a bus come closer and closer before it smashes into your weak, human body. The foreknowledge does not affect the pain of the impact.
And now your weak body is broken.
Not me, though. I'm fine.
I suppose.
Amber said it was better this way. And, I agreed with her. I wonder if she actually believes it, or, like me, is just repeating it out loud until they believe themselves.
I’ve spent my extra time focused on my studies. Next time, I will be enough. Next time I wouldn’t be this broken thing that is no good once my families money and influence has been stripped away.
I will be good on my own merits. I will graduate and get a lucrative job. I’d meet a nice girl and maybe we could adopt our own little bundle of joy.
I let myself imagine Amber as the girl in my dreams for a moment or two.
She would wrap her arms around me after a long day at work. We would tell each other how much the other meant to us and then we would be locked in a passionate embrace.
I then violently shoved that unnecessary, meandering thought away. It’s better not to dream of impossible things.
I have been really good about her. I moved all the things that remind me of her into a box in my closet – I couldn’t bare to get rid of them. It was too soon.
I only went through all our messages twice, before leaving it.
This is too much reminiscing, I’m noticing. Back to work.
If I spend all my time on school work, then I am not focused on a broken heart. I’m not focused on the reason my heart feels it was ripped from my chest.
So it’s time for more studies. I don’t have any time for a broken heart, I go to college. Hell, Being with Amber sucked up a great deal of my time too.
This is better for everyone involved.
This is better for everyone involved.
How many times do I have to say it before I actually believe it?
Chapter 10
I admit it.
Life without her. It’s miserable.
I knew that it would be the second I left her. Even before I did.
I consoled myself with the idea that Sarah would be better off this way. She had a chance to have a rich parent. Someone who could give her all the things she deserves. Diamonds, and pearls. All the toys in the world? A castle so she can really be a princess?
How else would I ever be able to get those things for my baby girl? The answer… never. And it’s not fair to her to choose anything that means she has left.
“I WANT NAD-A!!!” Screamed Sarah, throwing one of her few tantrums five feet from me. That little snot-nosed punk. I’m doing this for you! “NAD-A! NAD-A!” She screamed as she picked all the things that she could reach up, and made a mess.
“No more Nadia!” I told her, needing her to stop. If she didn’t stop, I don’t know what I would do.
I was not prepared for a bawling child. I was not prepared for her to just slump to the ground and cry because she wanted Nadia. She didn’t even do that last time her biological father left when he visited.
Maybe I should have expected it. Money can do a lot of things. It cannot cradle a child and tuck her into bed. But… it could let her be tucked into a nicer bed. In a nicer room. With better toys.
“Shh. Shh.” I picked her up and tried to comfort you. “You’re gonna get a new auntie. Or maybe an uncle? Wouldn’t you like that?”
"Don' want new aunt! Want NAD-A!" Cried my baby girl.
I sighed. “Me too, Sarah. Me too.”
I didn’t have much patience. Even, I was shocked at how long I put up with a severe lack of my one and only true love. Two months and I was back at Nadia’s house.
“Take me back, I beg you.” Okay, fine. I admit I was not that calm in any way. I did the whole theatrics. I threw myself on the ground and begged her to look twice at a poor dumb girl who tried so hard that she threw out the diamond that she had no idea she even had until it was gone. Money was worthless to me if I had money but I lacked her,
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