When her tongue presses against my core as well, it's far too easy to forget that the world exists, and to just lose myself into the waves she creates.
“Here's the news. My sister's coming back into town.”
At this announcement, my heart stutters to a stop. No. My eyes bulge in surprise.
Leona Gold, coming back to town. Leona Gold – my ex. Sweat immediately beads on my forehead.
If any news is going to make my world flip upside down, it's that. Sometimes, I think about her and the things we shared. I mean, once upon a time, I thought she was the “one,” so it's hard to forget everything about her. Where Jaimie is tough, dark and sultry, Leona is charming, intelligent and soft, though she also possesses that same seductiveness, the steel in her mannerisms. You'd have to be, growing up as siblings together. I got together with her in my senior year of high-school, back in the time where I was weakly denying my lesbian tendencies, and she helped dispel every one of my excuses, and my first time was with her.
When Leona left, our relationship ended. She never called, came back for holidays, or did anything for me to believe the relationship could be salvaged. Of course, when I ended up with Leona's older sister, that didn't help with things, either. I was lonely, upset and confused at Leona's abrupt dismissal of me. Her reason – that she needed to focus on her career – didn't make a lick of sense. After all, you can have a career and have a relationship, right? It's utter bullshit to claim you love someone, but then leave them behind because “it's best for the both of us this way.”
When I raged about it, Jaimie had been the one to comfort me, but don't get me wrong. She didn't do it by leaping into bed with me the second her sister was out the door. She just sort of wriggled into my heart and stayed there over the months – and it was me who decided to take things further. I chose to ensnare the older sibling. Through our talks, I got the impression that in her family, Leona was the high achiever, the woman with a plan, and Jaimie lives her life as the drop-out, the drifter who preferred the simple things and easy pleasures. To put it clearly – Jaimie is damaged by her sister's shadow.
Her father doesn't like me for dating Jaimie. He thinks I should have waited. That dislike reflects onto Jaimie, for hurting her younger sister in such a way.
Leona, however, hurt me first. We had been dating each other since the start of high school, and she had left me. She stopped calling. She stopped caring. That's the thing Steve Gold doesn't understand. Even if me getting together with Jaimie may not have been the best idea, or even for the best of reasons, things worked out. I grew to love Jaimie, and she me. We've been three years happy.
Not so bad, right?
“When she gonna be back?” I ask, nervous. My anxiety is mirrored on Jaimie's face, before she hides it under a shroud of darkness.
“Our parents are having a big dinner for her over the weekend to celebrate her return. Invited you – but you can say no. It's not a big deal.”
“It's fine,” I say, though I'm not sure if it is, really, “I'll go.”
It's likely going to be the biggest mistake of my life, but like hell am I going to avoid the situation like a coward. Leona has something to answer for, as do I.
My heart gives a light twinge, when I think about Leona. For a moment, I envision Jaimie on top of me in bed, her dark hair splayed, her hooded eyes rolled back in pleasure, her dominant nature sending deep thrills inside, before it's replaced by an older memory – of Leona.
Where Jaimie prefers rougher, possessive sex, Leona knows the secret places of a body. I lost my virginity to Leona, and we spent a lot of time exploring one another's bodies, discovering the erogenous zones like miners digging for gold. She likes mixing the roles between sub and dom, whereas Jaimie prefers always to be the leader. I imagine Leona's soft, light pink lips pressing into my skin, her chestnut hair mixing with my blonde locks, and the attention she lavishes on my chest.
I shiver.
Fuck the Gold siblings for both being attractive. Seriously.
I kiss Jaimie a kiss as she gets ready for work in her motorbike shop. I leave shortly afterwards, heading to MCLA college for my lecture in psychology. As I sit on the bus, I feel like I'm balancing two women's hearts in my hand. Whatever move I make, someone will be hurt.
It doesn't help that my mind starts whirring through the dust of past interactions – to that shivering first time when Leona and I had been drinking, giggling like younger teenagers. I remember us gradually closing the distance on the sofa, and then staring for a long moment into her tremendous light blue eyes, feeling them sink into me like teeth and not letting go.
She treated me like something fragile as she kissed me, then, slowly unwrapping my body like a precious gift. I had been eager, clumsy as I undid her buttons, shaking hands betraying my nervousness and excitement within. I didn't know what to do, how to act, but I remember that she guided me through, always asking if this was okay, that was okay, kissing and stroking me as she experimented as well.
It was awkward but beautiful at the same time, and the memory is imprinted upon my soul – because as first times seem to go, I think it worked out pretty well. That's another way that Jaimie differs.
Where Leona had no one else but me, and I her – Jaimie has gone through her fair share of relationships and one night stands. She's what you would call highly sexualized, though I don't see her as a slutty person. She just knows what she has and how to flaunt it. My first time with her, well – I'm unlikely to forget that, either. Leona giggled and smiled and moaned with me as we moved under the sheets. Jaimie possessed me, snatching my breath with a stare and a smirk, whispering into my ear the things she planned to do to me and how she wanted to taste me. The weight of her experience blew my mind and flung me to far away places. All I want to do under her touch is gasp and scream.
Before I know it, the bus has pulled up outside my college. With a reluctant sigh, I hop off, my mind still soaked in thoughts of these two women. The one I'm with, and the one who broke my heart.
Chapter Two
Saturday arrives, and my nerves are shot to hell. Jaimie has grown increasingly paranoid over the days leading up to the weekend, and it's not hard to see where the fear comes from. After all, I never completely renounced my love for Leona – I just thought she didn't want me anymore, and Jaimie helped mop up the broken pieces of my body and soul.
I had one strange night with her where I woke up, only to find her staring at me with a dark and shrouded expression. I could almost hear the cogs turning in her brain, and smell the fear emanating from her pores, because despite the fact we've been together three years, she's afraid of losing me to Leona Gold. The only thing I did then was to close the distance and enclose myself in her arms. She's not big on cuddling, but she accepted it then, with a quiet sigh and a faint sniff of my hair, before adjusting her arm so that my resting head didn't cause pins and needles on it. I've never seen Jaimie cry, but I thought she might in that moment.
I don't know how to explain to Jaimie that I love her. I truly do. No way do you forget what someone has done for you, and the way they make you feel. She's a star, a blaze of light in what can sometimes be a dark and cruel world. We have great times, despite the arguments that crop up over our bad days. She acts tough, but melts like butter. She's just not Leona.
The problem with the whole thing is that I can't forget I loved Leona, either. The reason I want to go to the family dinner is so I can meet up with my ex once and for all, and try and close the door on a past I've never locked. The door had been slammed and left to sway in the storm. Jaimie understands this, though she's not happy about it. All I can do is reassure her, and kiss her, and sometimes bully her, since she's a little too serious for her own good.
Still love her, though.
At the family table, tensions are high. Like, ceiling high. I'm sitting there with a frozen smile on my face as Gene and Steve examine me. Our food of the evening is a roast dinner, with gravy, roasted potatoes, peas, broccoli
, beef slices and honey parsnips. Walking through the front door with Jaimie felt like I was doing the walk of shame, since after their sweet, kind mother admitted me into the house, Leona was there in the kitchen, assaulting my sights after three years of radio silence – just as beautiful as I remembered her. They always describe this moment when you feel your heartbeat stop and that you forget how to breathe, but with Leona, I became hyper-aware of everything around me. My heartbeat thumped treacherously loud, the blood pounded in my ears, and something twitched in my neck. My limbs felt like putty, and the only way to stop myself buckling under my own weight like an idiot was to keep moving, because how many times have I dreamed of seeing her again?
Jaimie, seeing Leona's penetrative stare, wrapped an possessive arm around me as we greeted one another. Jaimie's scent of spices washes over me, and I wrinkle my nose in appreciation.
Fully expecting a box of dynamite to explode somewhere, shock coursed through me when Leona approached me and gave me a huge hug. Not expecting this at all, my arms simply hung there like a gorilla's as she did so. It was like being hugged by a ghost.
“It's good to see you,” she said, her melodic voice stirring exotic feelings in my blood. I smelled the coconut in her hair, the fresh, laundry scent on her skin. “It's been too long.” I remembered for a brief moment how she sounded when she climaxed, the type of gasps and moans her throat elicited as she writhed under the sheets, and I have to actively squeeze my eyes shut to stem the flow of thoughts.
When she greets her older sister, she only reaches out a hand to shake, rather than go for the full embrace. Jaimie takes it, though her face is like a brewing storm, waiting to lash out fury. There's a vein bulging in her neck, and her nostrils are pinched. She disguises the fury with a smirk, and Leona raises an eyebrow. Electricity crackles between them, and I'm the conductor, sandwiched between these two women, convinced that I'm about to be fried to a crisp. Jaime's dark blue eyes, like a deep ocean, collide with Leona's ice ones, which make her look feral and cold.
The coldness is something new in Leona, something I've never seen before.
I wonder if it's anything to do with the things she has seen during her time in the army. Both sisters have never been the closest around, since they have different attitudes to life. I'd like to say Leona is the more reasonable out of the two, but Leona is also the one who left me without a worthy excuse.
It makes me super uncomfortable to have these two bristle up like territorial wolves. It also surprises me to see it from Leona, given the fact she ditched me.
Gene, sensing the potential chaos, quickly intervened by pulling Leona away and gushing about how wonderful it is again to see her. Steve – Jaimie's step-father, Leona's father – merely glanced up from his newspaper, eyes narrowed as he regarded me.
Uh oh, I think.
Now everyone's sat around the table. I'm wearing a simple blue shirt that reveals some of my shoulders. Pink flowers curl from the side over to the center of it, and I have dark blue jeans. My blond hair glows from the excessive oil treatment and brushing I've given it. Jaimie is in war gear, wearing a black tank top, the sort you might see at the gym or on a fighter, with black leather pants, displaying her biker sensualities. Leona, in comparison, wears a plain white shirt, a dog tag around her neck, and green camouflage pants. She is the picture of calm, though it's the calm of a serpent waiting to strike, and Jaimie is the boiling fury of someone prepared to do whatever it takes to get what she wants.
I know them both, I read it in their postures, and it makes it hard for me to eat through my food with enthusiasm. Jaimie's sprawled out on her chair in an aggressive posture, often finding moments to wrap her strong arm around my shoulder. The insecurity irritates me, but I don't want to shove her off in case I make it worse.
“One of the bad things that happened when I was stationed in Iraq,” Leona is saying, regaling her family over her exploits in the middle-east, “was when we received intelligence of a family being held hostage in a small village south-east of Baghdad. The reason wasn't even for terrorism – it was over an issue of honor killing. Family's daughter ran away from her husband. He was violent, cruel, and beat two babies out of her in his rages. Mother wanted them to legally divorce, father as well, but their younger son got kidnapped. Unless the wife was returned, the younger son would be killed.”
“Oh my goodness,” Gene says, her hand fluttering over her face. Her eyes are wide in horror.
“Savages,” Steve says, stabbing his fork into a slice of beef. “Don't respect their women at all over there. Sad.”
Leona gives him a wry smile. “They have a different idea of respect. For them, family honor goes above everything else. They venerate their elderly, unlike how we treat our loved ones here. We just shove them into care homes and don't give two shits about them. I'm not saying they're perfect,” Leona says, stemming her father's retort, “no one is. I find a lot of things wrong about their culture, and I do think women have a horrific time there. But there's some things I feel we can learn from.”
Steve gives a dismissive grunt.“If you say so. So. What happened about the hostage situation?”
Leona chews on some broccoli, her spoon gathering up some of the gravy congealing on her plate. “We went to the place where the little boy was being held. We had our interpretor with us. We ended up having to shoot the husband because we couldn't reason with him, and he tried to stab the little boy when we asked him to give the boy up. Created a massive shitstorm in the media, how westerners were involving themselves in disputes. But the boy and the women were safe, and her family were grateful. So, for me, it was worth it.” Leona takes a deep breath.
Something dark flickers behind her expression, something that speaks of worse horrors than family disputes. My heart gives a small leap, partly in sympathy, partly because I always used to kiss her when she pulled something like that, just to soothe her fears.
“That sounds so terrifying,” Gene says, dabbing a tissue at her eyelid. “My little baby, going through all that!”
“I'm fine, mom. Don't worry.” Leona smiles at her mother. “Adjusting back here is going better than I thought, though. I thought I'd be staring at the walls for weeks, reliving my experiences and feeling out of place. But it really is just like coming home. I hope to find a good job soon. I'm looking into being a security guard or a bouncer. Should be able to get a good resume for that.”
Steve beams at her, reaching to clap her on the shoulder. “You've done so well! I can't imagine the type of stress you go through, enduring all that. And being a woman in the army as well – let me tell you, when I served, soldiers were complete fucks if you were a woman. It made them tougher, more resilient, because they got flak from all sides. I admire them. I'm proud of you!”
I wince as Jaimie laughs sardonically. “That's the first time I've ever heard those words come out of your mouth.”
In response, Steve, dark eyes crackling, retorts, “Well, if you did anything to be proud of, maybe you would hear them too. But you haven't. And you know why? Because you're a waste of space.”
Jaimie stands up, knife and fork clattering, the screech of her chair being pushed behind her.
Oh, fuck, I think. I'm frozen in a mix of trepidation and confusion, unsure of how to react, of what to say to diffuse the sudden family drama. I know Steve's been angry at Jaimie and me, especially because we started dating not so long after Leona departed – but I also know that he's been eternally disappointed in Jaimie's life choices, and that it fucks Jaimie up inside to have that kind of judgement pressing on her. In stark contrast, I've had the normal upbringing with parents that don't necessarily adore each other, but don't hate each other either.
Being an only child is nice, too.
“I'm sorry I'm such a fucking failure to you!” Jaimie grits her teeth, chest jutting out. She's breathing so fast, I'm worried her lungs are going to cave in. “I've done what I can for myself, got my job, did the best to pick up the pieces, and all you've
ever done is sneer at me and go on and on about how I'm useless and stupid and haven't achieved anything. You're a shit dad!”
“You've done nothing to convince me otherwise!” Steve roars back, even as Gene is wide-eyed like a rabbit caught in headlights, the nightmare of her child and husband arguing unfolding in front of her. “The only thing you do is whine, complain, and act like some fucking gangster when allyou do is work in a bike shop, doing nothing!”
“Don't worry about her, Steve,” Leona cuts in, the ice glint in her eyes back. Her tone grates the air, dropping the room temperature down several degrees. “She's always been jealous of me. After all, she did steal my girlfriend, and I'm not even surprised she did that. She's always wanted what I have.”
“What the fuck?” Jaimie spits, now turning on her sister, even as Steve's face gradually turns the color of a grape, “You think I fucking stole her? Are you seriously that deluded?”
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