I don't tell Jaimie about the kiss. I can't. I know it would destroy her, and she doesn't deserve this – not after everything she's had to put up with. Jaimie acts as if nothing is wrong when she comes back to our apartment. I worry she can see the guilt on my face, or smell the betrayal emanating from my pores, but she doesn't. She simply kisses me, tells me she loves me, and we spend the evening playing card games together. I appreciate it, because although I love her taking me, I think she has the capacity to drain me dry and leave nothing left, from all the pleasure that has raged and burned inside.
Katie met up with me the next day, during my lunch break at college. My best friend, married to her George Pye (I'm not ashamed to admit I've had a few laughs at the expense of his surname), greets me with a bounce to her step and the vibrant, glossy aura of someone extremely content with her life. I hug her and we line up at the college canteen, both of us snaring the lasagna, one of the godliest things the dinner ladies can cook up in their enormous kitchen.
We sit opposite each other, ready to eat, and she leans forward, red hair tumbling over her shoulder. “Okay, so. Spill. Leona's back in town, and Jaimie and Leona are hissing away at each other over you, right?”
“Kind of.” I absently play with my fork, before digging into the steaming lasagna. Where to even begin? “Leona says she never stopped loving me. And it makes me feel awful, because I loved her. I still love her.”
Katie finishes chewing on her food. “Well. If that's the case, why not just get back with her again?”
My bottom lip trembles as I sift through my thoughts and wild emotions. “It's not that easy. I was so mad and upset that she left, you know? I hated her bullshit excuse to me. I didn't understand. My mind went to horrible places. And, well, with Jaimie, though she was kind to me – I admit I started dating her as a way to get back at Leona.”
It's true. Though I gradually grew attracted to Leona's older sister, I can't deny the ulterior motives that went into the selection of my next partner. I mean, no one in their right mind would go for a relative of the person they love, right?
Someone thirsting for revenge might.
Katie nods. “I suspected as much. Though you always claimed you can't control who you fall in love with.”
I laugh bitterly. “Yeah, well. It came to bite me in the ass, since the fucked up thing about this whole situation is I love Jaimie. I genuinely do. She's something special. I just... I never stopped loving Leona, either. And Leona's back.”
Katie takes a moment to digest the news. “Well. You have to choose. There's always gonna be one you love more than the other.”
“That's the thing. I'm not sure about that. They both fulfil something different in me. I...” I shrug helplessly. I don't know how to express it, to put it into words for Katie to understand.
“Sounds like you're pretty fucked then, if you don't choose.”
“Yeah,” I agree, heart heavy.
The conversation was supposed to make me feel better, to bring clarity to my thoughts.
Instead, I'm left more confused than before. There are still no answers for my predicament. I'm still torn between these two women, and I'm afraid they're going to murder each other before the month is through.
They're both just so damn wedged in my heart, and it doesn't help that I never let go of Leona. Even when I was with Jaimie, the unresolved nature of my last relationship kept hooks on my heart.
I wonder if I can look Jaimie in the eye and admit that.
Chapter Five
Naturally, because my life is spiraling into a state of confusion and ruin, I do the one thing I'm good at. I sink into denial and completely avoid talking to Leona, or having any sort of contact with her – the reverse of what she did to me.
I'm with Jaimie, and I can't screw up the good thing we have running between us, just because Leona is back in town. I know that if I meet up with Leona, things have a strong chance of progressing from a nice talk to a passion fuelled sex-fest, and I would rather not cause that situation to occur, because I'm too weak-willed to resist.
I know my heart craves Leona, and it scares me.
My attempt to avoid talking to her lasts about a week. It's childish and stupid, ultimately, to avoid her like this, because we're in the same area, and we are going to bump into one another at some point. Unless I dramatically grab the next flight out of here. Plus, the longer I deliberately avoid Leona after that hair raising kiss we shared, the more she might take it onto herself to come over, get into a fist fight with Jaimie, and try to swoop me away.
I have to sort out this mess once and for all. No amount of comfort eating and pretending the issue doesn't exist will prevent the fact that it does. I have to tell Leona that this can't happen again, that we can't kiss, that I'm with Jaimie. And I love her, and that we just can't, because it wouldn't be fair. No matter if I never let go of my former attraction to Leona.
When I turn up at Leona's place again, both her mother and step-father are out. We are alone in the house, and when she greets me, sheer delight illuminates her expression, along with her inviting me in. I follow her to the bedroom, and she closes the door behind me, arm momentarily brushing past my hair in the process. It sends a surge of electricity down my spine. She's beautiful, as always, with her long brown hair streaking past her shoulders, her icy blue eyes alight in a cold fire as she scrutinizes me. Her clothes are revealing, showing the perfect, muscular curves of her body.
Since when had Leona gotten so strong? She used to be weaker – much weaker than Jaimie, than me. The hint of muscle surprises me, and I find myself staring for far longer than intended, before snapping out of the reverie.
Before my brain has updated itself to present events, Leona leans forward and her lips whisper against mine. My cheeks flush, my breath stutters, and I'm already drowning in the kiss. My resolve is crumbling into ashes with frightening speed, and I know if I let her continue, I'll be in bed, and I'll be inside her. I push her back with lethargic arms. I force myself to speak. “Leona, there's something I need to tell you.”
Leona's face stiffens slightly, but she nods, moving back and reclining herself on the bed. “Go on.” I see something building up behind her eyes, as if she is frosting over like an iceberg, and it makes my heart twitch painfully.
“I love you.” I hasten to explain, even as Leona's eyes gape in astonishment, “I really do – I didn't stop loving you just because you went. But, the thing is, I'm with Jaimie, now. And I love her. I'm committed to her. No matter what I feel for you – what happened between us – this isn't fair on Jaimie. I can't do this. You left. I moved on. Can you blame me for that?”
I'm babbling, stuffing as many words as I can into my mouth, scared and thrilled at Leona's soft expression, the ice thawing behind her beautiful features. I have to get this across. I have to do it before something happens that I might regret.
It's already happening, my mind hisses.
“I should never have let you go.” Leona lets out a wistful sigh. “Never. I didn't think though you'd go for my sister. And it hurts. It really fucking hurts.”
“You hurt me too. I was so mad, Leona. I wanted you to speak to me so badly. I wanted you to answer your phone, answer your emails, and you never did!” The anger and bitterness rip through me, and an echo of that despair returns, lodging in my throat. “You left me!”
“I know I did! I thought... I thought it was the best thing to do. I couldn't keep you just waiting there for me, could I? I could have been years serving. You would have been lonely all that time and I couldn't have done that to you!”
“Why not just ask me, you stupid bitch,” I cry, now falling to my knees. The emotions are too much. The sadness and rage mix together in an unholy cocktail that threatens to explode. Why couldn't she? I missed her so terribly. “I wouldn't have minded or cared that I needed to wait. I would have waited!”
“Lola,” Leona says, her voice hoarse as she closes the short distance between us. “I miss you. I need
you. I can't stand it. I have... I need...”
Before I try to stop her, not that I think I could have, she's on me again, her lips locked onto mine, and her arms wrap around so our bodies are flush together. I accept the embrace, I become like water in her grasp.
“I miss you too,” I whisper back, and our fates are cemented. Longing and desire floods inside, and I can't take it. I need her, I miss her, and I'm the worst person on the planet because I'm not going to stop her.
Her long hair enveloping me, she guides us to the bed and lowers me down onto it. She's gentle, and her limbs tremble in excitement along with mine as she leans onto the bed. Her body is stronger than I remember, her actions more assured as she hooks her fingers under my shirt and glides over my skin. I hug her and kiss and kiss, not wanting to stop, not wanting her to stop. I could drown in the moment, float away like a leaf on a river as she spends the time remembering my body. She touches me in the places that make me gasp. Her long fingers have a roughness about them not formerly there, and I marvel at the sensation, even as I'm tugging off her shirt. How often had I dreamed of this? How much did I want her to come back, tell me she had rethought her words, and that we belonged together, after all?
She does the same to me, and whispers, “I've been waiting for this for so long...” She caresses my lips, tugging at the bottom one lightly with her teeth, before taking off my bra and shirt, so our bare chests can push, and our skins collect goosebumps with the contact. Oh, Leona. Why do I have to feel this.
Why can't I just stick to one person?
I reach down to take off her pants and panties, and she wrestles with me as well, and we end up kicking off the rest of our clothes so we can plunge down and tangle our naked bodies together.
This feels so wrong yet so right at the same time. I remember every curve, blemish and scar upon her skin, even after three years apart. I've been with her a shorter time than Jaimie relationship wise, but Leona and I were smack bang in the middle of our honeymoon period when she ended up leaving – and now it's like we're picking up exactly where we dropped off. She murmurs I love you into my ear, and then her hand moves from my breasts to my core like a heat seeking missile, to plunge into the warmth there, and I gasp, and shiver, and tug at her hair. Her fingers work at me, hitting the perfect spot inside and mewling sounds came out of my throat. She doesn't want to tease. She wants me to come, she wants me to explode.
“More,” I whimper, and she obliges, kissing my neck, pumping her hand until a frenzy of emotion unleashes, and I ripple out an orgasm into her hand. She moans into my neck, and it's not enough. I need more. I need us to burn together.
When my body recovers, I turn us over so that I'm the on on top, and, with an impish grin, I say, “My turn.”
The dreams of hearing her sighs and watching her move beneath my touch are no longer figments of my imagination. They're real. This is real. Her body aches for me, I can feel it in every cell, in the way she arches to my touch and digs her fingers into my back.
Having this chance to worship her is like a bell tolling in my mind, a shock of arousal to know I can have this affect on someone, to have her need me so much.
I plunge my fingers into her, and she accommodates me, and encourages me with soft cries and huffs of breath.
She comes so fast. I barely even touch her bundle of nerves or grind into her for long before she's shaking and gushing, and my eyes are wide in wonder.
She certainly wasn't lying when she said she needed me. I can't stop now, either.
I've already crossed the line of no return.
Chapter Six
Back in the apartment I share with Jaimie, I slump on the table, utterly defeated. Staring blankly at the microwave, I struggle to comprehend my feelings, to know what I should do next.
I betrayed Jaimie. That wonderful, beautiful person who I had shared my life with for the past few years. I betrayed her, even though I had told myself I wouldn't.
A kiss, I can hide. Sex? No.
That's something I can't hide. She needs to know. I'm just not exactly relishing the thought of telling her. Jaimie is volatile, impulsive. I envy her sometimes at the depths her emotions reach, because behind that tough exterior, the biker girl facade, with her leather pants, her sultry smile and her dark mascara, there's a mind and heart that bleeds.
I have grown to love that mind and heart. She is the unexpected element in my life, the one who helped fill the empty places – the one who has given me smiles and love and arguments over the past three years, and a home.
She works, so I don't have to. She has sacrificed a lot to make sure that I'm happy, that things can work out.
Leona sacrificed too, my treacherous mind whispers.
Jaimie will not be able to handle this. I know she harbors bitterness over Leona being the favorite child. What I've effectively done is told her that she's second best to Leona by doing this.
This can't be forgiven. And I'm an idiot for even thinking that going to Leona's house was a good idea.
As Arya Stark lies to say, you're a stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
It might have been easier if I had least chosen a target unrelated to Leona, but no. I had to get my petty revenge on her by hooking up with her sister, and then falling in love with said sister.
I suppose you could call it karma.
Just my damn luck. My mind is already replaying the scene, remembering how she writhed under me, how high pitched her voice and breathing became when I touched her, and the pleasure it wrought inside me, to see her respond to my contact like that.
She's so damn beautiful, and I'm an idiot.
Of course, at this moment, as I'm berating myself, Jaimie walks through the apartment door. She knows I need to talk to her. She doesn't say anything as she walks past me to have a quick shower and shift out of her day clothes. I listen to the hiss of water with a sinking feeling in my stomach, a frightened thumping of my heart. I feel physically sick at the notion of having to tell her, convinced that my life is about to hit a new low, one I'm not sure I'll be able to pick myself up from so easily again.
If she breaks up with me, I can't just run into Leona's arms. The guilt will drown me. And, if Leona backs off first, I'll be going in circles in my mind, thinking of what could have been.
I'm between the rock and the hard place, and it's crushing the air out of my lungs.
I don't know what to do, but I await judgement. Jaimie saunters into the kitchen, eyeing me with a calm, calculative air. I can't bring myself to look into her dark blue eyes, twin abysses to her soul. Her deep, seductive voice punches through the silence when it's clear I'm too cowardly to speak.
“You have something to tell me, right? Let's hear it, then.” She stands there, again in those black leather pants and a blue tank top, socks on her feet but no boots. Her dark hair is splayed about her shoulders.
I groan against the table. The guilt eats me up, sends me mad. My boobs are squished onto the wood, and it's not so comfortable, either. I have to get this out, before cowardice nulls me into silence. “Jaimie. I cheated on you with Leona. I also kissed her once last week. I went over to her house to say I couldn't do this but it turns out I could. I stabbed you in the back.”
Jaimie stares at me impassively. Her eyes are fathomless, giving me no hint to the emotions brewing inside. “I know.”
Fear slices me. I raise my head off the table, heart frenetic. “You do?”
A dark, cold smile crosses her lips. “Leona told me.”
Oh my fucking God. This is it. She's gonna flip. She's gonna leave me. What a horrible way to find out. “I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. I love you. I love her. She's the thing in the past I never truly got over, and you're the thing that grew out of the darkness and I loved you, against my will.”
I wait for her fury, her instinct to explode into a lava pit of emotion. “I think,” Jaimie eventually says, “we're gonna need to all sit around and talk. In fact – I've invited Leona over.”
&nb
sp; I blink, baffled by the alien statement to come out of Jaimie's lips. I expected hatred, anger, tears, sobbing. I didn't expect this. “You did?”
“Sure did. Like I said – we talked.” Jaimie stalks over to me, that dangerous smile still playing upon her lips. Her eyes are hooded, giving her a menacing, dark expression. On normal days, I find this look exhilarating and arousing. Today, it terrifies me.
Her hands hook into my hair. The gleam in her ocean dark eyes makes me shudder, and she runs a finger across my jawline. Her mouth rests against the hairs above my ear, and the hot breath she puts on my skull makes me sigh.
I'm hopeless.
She retracts her hand and moves away from me. A moment later, our doorbell buzzes.
I'm fairly certain at this point that the sound is the announcement of my own funeral. Jaimie admits Leona into the apartment, and I hear her taking off her jacket and shoes.
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