She touched the scar. ‘My mother died, but my father was away in the Panzers. When the war ended we came here. There was nothing left for us in Germany.’
‘Did you by any chance know the Cramers, spelt with a “C”?’
‘Nein. I am sorry, but it was a large city.’ She stood when Dieter did. ‘I do not wish to be cruel, Herr Cramer, but it was very bad. If you have not heard from your family in all this time, they must have perished.’
‘I have been reluctant to admit that, but I shall have to now.’ He bowed slightly to the cook, wanting to get away. ‘Thank you for your kindness.’ Then he dredged up a smile for Gerda. ‘I am happy your father is alive and you are not alone.’
‘Ja, I am fortunate.’ She studied him with compassion in her eyes. ‘What will you do now?’
‘Go back to Berlin, I suppose.’
‘My father would be pleased to meet you. I live here, but he has two rooms in a house near by, and I’m sure we could fix up a bed for you if you wished to stay. You would be most welcome.’
Dieter couldn’t bear the thought of meeting anyone at the moment. ‘I’m afraid I cannot stay, but thank you very much.’
‘Why do you not see if you can remain here?’ Gerda seemed reluctant to let him go.
‘I was a prisoner in this country for most of the war, and do have the offer of a job, but I do not know if that is what I want.’
‘Whatever you decide, I hope all goes well for you.’ She reached up and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Come to us if you need help.’
‘Danke.’
He left the house and walked blindly as sadness rolled through him. They were all dead. In his heart he had known that even before he had been repatriated, and he should have accepted it then. But he had stubbornly refused to do so. Now he must face the truth.
Feeling utterly drained, he stopped. York Minster was in front of him, standing proud and solid. Dieter’s mother had brought them up to believe in God as a loving creator. It had been hard to hold on to that belief through the brutality of the war and its aftermath. All the time he had been a prisoner he had attended church services, mostly because it gave him something to do, and he loved the music. After the war, while he was waiting to be sent home, one of his great pleasures had been to play the organ in the village church. The Rector had been a kind man.
A gust of cold wind ruffled his hair and he pulled the army greatcoat around him. On impulse he stepped through the door of the Minster. It would be warmer in there and he needed time to sort out his jumbled thoughts. There were quite a few people inside, but a wonderful sense of peace pervaded the atmosphere.
He walked slowly along, gazing up at the magnificent ceiling, and pausing to admire the huge stained-glass windows. A feeling of inner quietness seeped into him. On reaching the choir area he sat, head tipped back as he imagined the sound of singing filling the place.
Closing his eyes, calm now as the hurt receded, he prayed silently. ‘What shall I do now? For the last two years I have wandered aimlessly, wasting my life, refusing to face the truth. Today I have come face to face with the knowledge that my family are all gone. Nothing can change that, however much I have longed for it to be different. I must get on with my life, but do I return to Germany or go somewhere else? I cannot go back to the kind of life I had in Berlin. What shall I do?’
At that moment the organ burst into life, making Dieter gasp with pleasure. It was wonderful! Whoever was practising was a fine musician.
He shut his eyes again, feeling the sounds flow over and around him, and, as he sat there, his mind cleared. There was a job waiting for him with the Sawyers. Working on the farm would give him a chance to rebuild, to grow strong again and, most important of all, to decide what he was going to do with his life. If Jane hadn’t married, he would try to see her again. What they had shared had been special. He had often wondered if he had really loved her, or just taken the comfort and love she offered after years behind barbed wire. He still didn’t know, but if they could meet he might find out.
He stood up, renewed in spirit, and strode out of the Minster. He would leave for Somerset at once.
15
It was a bright early November afternoon, with a nip in the air to warn of approaching winter, and the sky so blue it seemed to sparkle. As Dieter walked into the yard, he caught the smell of animals wafting on the breeze, and the memories came tumbling back. He dropped his bag and stood facing the huge barn, expecting Jane to come out, stomping through the puddles in her rubber boots, laughing as always and waving at him.
Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a moment. Oh, why hadn’t he come back sooner? So much wasted time. This was such a lovely, peaceful place. How could he have forgotten?
The scrape of the barn door made him open his eyes as John came out with a young child holding his hand. He looked at Dieter, his steps faltering for a moment, then he came forward.
‘Dieter.’ John shook his hand. ‘It’s good to see you. Bob told us you were here and we hoped you’d come to us.’
‘I am pleased to be here and would like to stay for a while, if I may.’
‘Of course, there’s nothing we would like more.’
Satisfied with the warm welcome, Dieter looked at the child, who was watching him curiously. ‘And who are you?’ he asked, crouching down in front of him.
‘I’m Danny.’ He gave a shy smile.
‘That is a nice name.’ Dieter smoothed a strand of fair hair away from the child’s eyes.
Danny nodded, making the hair fall back again. ‘This is my grandpa.’
Standing up, Dieter was puzzled. ‘I thought you did not have children, Mr Sawyer.’
‘We haven’t, but we loved Jane as a daughter and so took on Danny as our grandson.’
‘My mummy’s gone to live with the angels.’ Hearing his mother’s name, Danny blinked rapidly, but the tears didn’t spill over. ‘I wish she hadn’t gone.’ His voice wobbled a little but then brightened. ‘She liked it here, and now I live here with my auntie. Don’t I, Grandpa?’
‘That’s right, Danny.’ John smiled and ruffled his hair, then gave him a little push. ‘You run along and do your practice while I talk to Dieter.’
‘Okay.’ The smile was back and he ran towards the farmhouse.
Dieter spun round to watch the child and saw Mrs Sawyer and a girl standing by the door. A girl with the same colouring as Jane – only she wasn’t Jane. The news hurt so much he had trouble grasping it.
‘Danny is Jane’s child?’ His voice sounded strained. ‘How old is he?’
‘He was three last May.’ John touched his arm. ‘Come inside, Dieter.’
There was a roaring in his head. Oh, dear God, it couldn’t be. But, now that he thought about it, the family likeness was unmistakable. Fair hair, grey eyes, dimpled smile … With a great effort he managed to rasp out, ‘Who is his father?’
‘You are, Dieter, but I think you’ve already seen that.’
The shock was so severe it made him stumble back, robbed of all speech.
Angie heard Hetty give an alarmed gasp.
‘Oh, no, don’t be angry, please. Don’t tell him yet, John!’ Hetty ran over to them.
Feeling this really wasn’t any of her business, Angie stayed where she was, watching the scene. Hetty was holding on to the stranger’s arm and talking rapidly. Pleading? The man shook his head, turned sharply and walked out of the yard, leaving his bag where he had dropped it.
John picked it up, putting his arm around his wife as they walked towards her. Hetty was crying, and they were both clearly upset.
‘Now, now,’ John urged. ‘It was a shock. He’ll be back.’
‘Oh, John,’ she moaned, ‘what rotten luck. I didn’t want them to meet like this. I hoped we would have a chance to explain first.’
‘Can’t be helped, my dear. At least he’s come, and you know Bob said it was doubtful that he would. Let’s go inside and Angie will make us a nice cup of tea.’
Angie followed them into the kitchen and put the kettle on. ‘Sit down, Hetty.’
Danny was in the other room happily practising the piano, and she knew he would be all right for a while. He never seemed to tire of the discipline needed to learn the piano and knew each lesson off by heart by the time he went for his next one. Mrs Poulton was thrilled with her new student.
When the tea was made, she poured one for each of them and sat down, bursting with curiosity. ‘Who was that man? And why did he upset you so much?’
The tears began to flow again. ‘I’m so sorry, Angie, we thought we were doing the right thing …’
‘We have done right, Hetty.’ John spoke firmly. ‘I’ve told you he’ll be back when he’s walked off the anger. He’s left his bag behind.’
‘You shouldn’t have told him yet, John.’
John shrugged. ‘What was I to do? Danny told him about his mother, and it didn’t take Dieter long to put two and two together.’
Hetty blew her nose. ‘What’s happened to him, John? He’s so thin and haggard.’
‘They’ve been having a tough time over there. If we’d known where he was, we could have sent food parcels like some of the other villagers have been doing for those they befriended.’
Hetty nodded. ‘Yes, he should have told us where he was. Poor, dear man.’
Angie was confused now. What was all this talk about food parcels? ‘Who is he?’
‘He’s Danny’s father.’ Hetty whispered, her eyes still swimming with tears. ‘Bob found him for us.’
As the shock hit her, Angie stood up so quickly the chair nearly went flying. ‘Where’s he gone? Why did he run off like that? And how could Bob find him, when he’s in Germany?’
John was also on his feet, straightening the chair and making her sit down again. ‘It’s no good you chasing after him. He didn’t know about Jane and the boy, but he knew that the fair hair and large grey eyes were a trait of his family’s. He’d made love to Jane and the boy smiling up at him with identical dimples was the right age. It didn’t take much working out, Angie. He demanded to know who the child was. We’ve got to give him time to come to terms with this.’
She was shaking. The thing she had been half dreading had happened. Danny’s father had arrived, and the coward had run away at the first sight of his son. That didn’t make her very hopeful about the future.
‘Will you stay here tonight, Angie?’ Hetty’s expression was pleading. ‘You’ll be able to talk to him when he comes back.’
‘No.’ She shook her head firmly and stood up. ‘I’m not sure if I want anything to do with him. If he wants to see us, he’ll have to come to me. If he doesn’t, he can just go back where he came from. He doesn’t deserve to have a lovely son like Danny. He couldn’t even stay to talk to him. The bloody coward!’ She was distraught now.
‘He left Jane pregnant. What kind of a man does that?’
‘All right, Angie.’ John sighed. ‘You’re not going to like this either, but before you go there’s something you should know. Danny’s father is German. He was a prisoner at Goathurst Camp.’
The breath left Angie’s lungs in a rush and the room swam before her eyes. They’d known. Bob had known. They’d known he was German! No wonder they had refused to tell her about him. She was so angry, and frightened. Very frightened. Now she knew why Jane had kept his identity a secret. How could she have fallen in love with a man whose country was responsible for their parents’ death? That dreadful time came back to her as if it were yesterday, along with the pain and loss.
Her hands clenched into tight fists as she tried to gain control of her emotions. She had to keep a clear head. ‘He can’t take Danny away! He’s my son, legally.’
‘I’m sure he won’t do that.’ Hetty spoke gently, trying to calm her. ‘He’s a nice man. He didn’t know. Dieter is the one who has been wronged, Angie. Jane shouldn’t have kept news of his son from him. I know she believed she had her reasons, but she wasn’t right.’
It was a rare censure of the young girl they had loved so much. The shock was fading, but she was still having difficulty grasping the news. A picture of the man walking away came to her, the sun glinting on his fair hair, head bowed. Even in her dismay, she could understand what he must have been going through. She sat down again. ‘You’d better tell me all about him.’
John took up the story. ‘Dieter was taken prisoner in early 1941. He baled out when his plane was shot down during a raid on London.’
Angie’s head shot up, anger blazing in her eyes again. The news just got worse and worse. ‘He was in the Luftwaffe?’
‘Yes, a navigator,’ John continued, ignoring her fury.
‘He was the sole survivor out of his whole crew. He was only twenty, Angie, just doing what he’d been ordered to do, like all the young men on both sides. He was sent from camp to camp, until he ended up here. When the war was over, they were allowed out and Dieter came to lodge with us and work on the farm.’
‘And that’s when Jane met him.’ Angie couldn’t believe this. She had spent hours wondering who Danny’s father was, but never in her wildest dreams – no nightmares – had she considered this. He might have been up there in the sky when their parents had been killed.
Hetty gave a wan smile. ‘We didn’t know there was anything between them. You must believe us.’
‘I do.’ Angie looked at John. ‘Even if Jane wouldn’t tell him where she lived, why did he go away without giving her an address where she could contact him?’
‘I think he knew he didn’t have a home address any more.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘He comes from Dresden, Angie.’ John gave a ragged sigh. ‘After the terrible bombing there, he didn’t hear from his family, and he was frantic to get back. Repatriation took such a long time, and it was late in 1947 before they shipped him back to Germany. He was out of his mind with worry by then, and we never heard from him again.’
‘When we knew Bob was going to Germany, we asked him to try to find Dieter and persuade him to come back here,’ Hetty said, her hands trembling. ‘We asked Bob not to tell him about Jane or Danny, hoping we would be able to break the news to him gently. It was rotten luck that Danny was here when he arrived. He was furious the news had been kept from him.’ She was still clearly distressed. ‘He looks so ill …’
‘Don’t upset yourself again.’ John placed an arm around her as her tears welled up. ‘When he comes back we’ll be able to look after him.’
Danny rushed into the kitchen. ‘Did you hear me?’
‘Yes, darling, that was wonderful. Mrs Poulton will be very pleased with you.’ Angie pushed aside her worry and smiled approvingly at the little boy. This news hadn’t touched him yet, and she was going to make damned sure he got to know his father before being told who he was. That’s if the man stayed around long enough. From what she had seen in the yard, he would probably run straight back to Germany. And if he did, she would shout good riddance. There was a niggling feeling that she was being harsh and judgemental, but she didn’t care. Her darling boy’s happiness was at stake here.
She stood up, not wanting to be around when he did return for his things. ‘We’ll be going now. Say goodbye to Granny and Grandpa.’
There were hugs all round, and, as Hetty held Angie tightly, she whispered in her ear. ‘Give him a chance, Angie. Please.’
‘I’ll see.’ She would find it difficult to like this man who had seduced Jane and then left her, never bothering to try to find her again. Heartless, that’s what he was. But her cousin had loved him. She had said in her letter that he had great problems. He might have lost his family in that terrible bombing. Although Angie had always been the stronger of the two girls, she did have a compassionate side, but it was going to be a struggle to be polite to him. She sighed as the disjointed thoughts tumbled through her head. What a mess!
‘I’ll take you both home.’ John held out his hand to Danny, and they disappeared into the y
ard, where the old truck was parked.
She had to get away from here now, because she was so angry and would be tempted to punch the man on the nose if he came back.
He was dazed, unable to think straight. Dieter leant on a gate and gazed across the field with unseeing eyes, his mind unable to believe what he had just seen and been told by John Sawyer. Slowly the peace of the countryside began to work its magic, and the turmoil he’d experienced when he’d seen the boy began to wear off. Then his mind started to race. It had been like looking at himself at that age: same hair, eyes and even the dimples flashing as he’d smiled. And adorable Jane had died a few months ago. Dear God, that was unbelievable. What had happened? He had been too stunned to ask.
He bowed his head in deep sorrow. She should have told him. He had still been in this country when the child had been born. It was true he had been moved to another camp just before he’d been repatriated, but Major Strachan could have found him.
The Major! Dieter ground his teeth. Now he understood why the swine had gone out of his way to make him come back. He knew, and should have told him. At least he would have been prepared for the meeting. The shame that ripped through him at that moment made him double over as if in pain. Jane had needed him, and he hadn’t even bothered to find out if she was all right. All he had thought about was returning to Germany and finding his family. But there hadn’t been anyone left to find. He should have come back then, but he hadn’t. He had just drifted around in a state of shock. What wasted time when he could have been with Jane and his son.
He heard a slight huffing sound and felt warm breath on the side of his face, along with a strong animal smell. He looked up and found himself eye to eye with a donkey, which was surveying him with interest. He reached out and stroked the velvet face.
‘Sorry, I haven’t any carrots.’
As if it understood, the animal turned and ambled off to join a horse on the other side of the field.
Dieter stood up straight and watched as they greeted each other with playful affection. A feeling of awe swept over him as the reality of the situation dawned on him. He had believed that he was alone, all his family lost, but that wasn’t true. He had a son.
Fighting with Shadows Page 14