Pepper shrugged. “We’re family.”
“What about Mom? You that close to her?”
Pepper’s eyes fell from the television to the floor. She was quiet for a long moment, her fingers playing with each other, a nail digging into her cuticle. When she did look up, her pretty eyes were clouded.
“Mom is complicated.”
“Mom is a selfish bitch.”
Pepper’s eyebrows rose. “Just because she didn’t believe you when you told her what he was doing—”
“Didn’t believe me?” Ricki snickered. “She believed me. She simply decided to forego my safety in order to live with a man who had a steady job and a good income.”
“He never touched me.”
Ricki stared at her sister, her eyes narrowed as outrage stormed through her with a white-hot heat. “And that suggests to you that he never touched me? That I made it all up?”
“Ricki, I—”
“No, be honest with me, Pepper. You don’t remember the nights he came into our bedroom? The nights he hurt me while you lay in that other bed, doing absolutely nothing?”
“I was a little girl. What was I supposed to do?”
“You could have gone to get Mom. Or Terry. You could have told someone at your school. You could have done just about anything other than just lie there in your bed.”
Ricki pushed the food try away, tipping it over so that the red and black berries stained the white comforter on her bed. She rolled onto her side, switching the channel, not because she was bored with the show, but to irritate her sister. She really hadn’t intended to talk about this. She didn’t like talking about her childhood, about the abuse her stepfather had heaped on her. But seeing Pepper—day in and day out—brought up memories she thought she’d buried a very long time ago.
“I know he hurt you,” Pepper said quietly as she cleaned up the food mess. “I know he was not a good person. I watched for five years while he tortured and beat on Mom and Terry. I cowered under tables and in dark corners while the sound of his anger burst through the house. I told my teachers, even talked with a social worker on two occasions. But no one would do anything because he never hit me. He never left bruises on me. And when they came to talk to Mom, she refused to show her bruises. She insisted I misunderstood.”
She was quiet for a moment. Ricki watched the food righted on the tray and watched it disappear as she carried the tray elsewhere in the room.
“Terry thinks that I’m melodramatic. That living that way was nothing, that I didn’t have any right to scars or hang-ups. And maybe he’s right.”
“He was a fucking asshole. I think we all have a right to the way we feel about that.”
“He was my biological father. I own half that DNA.”
Ricki was quiet for a long time. She could feel Pepper moving around the room, and she could feel her eyes landing on her from time to time. She didn’t want to see things from Pepper’s point of view. But she couldn’t help but remember the nights when he would come into her bedroom, and for a split second, she was terrified that he would go to Pepper instead of her. As much as she hated the feel of his hands on her, as much as she hated him for the pain and the sickness he poured on her in those dark moments, it would have been so much worse to witness him pouring it on her innocent head.
It was her job to protect Pepper, yet it had somehow turned into resentment over the years. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe because she was grown now, because she was an adult capable of caring for herself now. Or maybe it was just that all these years being on her own had made Ricki grow something of a wall against those who populated her past.
“We’re all a little screwed up by what that man did,” Ricki finally acknowledged. “I wish we weren’t. I wish I could let it go and move on with my life. I have a good life now, a good man and a beautiful son. I wish that was enough to put this all away and bury it.”
“But it’s not.”
“No.”
“Especially when you have a living, breathing reminder taking care of you.”
Ricki glanced at her, a little surprised at the insight that comment showed.
“Why are you here?”
Pepper groaned. “I thought we’d finally let that go.”
“I’m just curious now.”
“I’m here because I read about you on social media and I wanted to see you again. You were my best friend once upon a time.”
“I was your sister. Half sister at that.”
“Oh, so all those years when you let me lay in your bed with you, all the things you whispered to me in the middle of the night, trying to make me stronger…that meant nothing because we’re only partially related?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean, Ricki? You’ve been putting qualifiers on everything since I got here, calling me Mom, telling me I’m a loser because of her. Telling me to go away before I even had a chance to get to know you again. Why don’t you just tell me the truth? Tell me that you don’t want me here, that you don’t like having me as a reminder of what happened back then?”
“I don’t like having you here.”
Ricki could see the hurt wash over Pepper’s face, and for that instant she could see the child she once was. And it pissed her off.
“Don’t pretend that you didn’t know that! Don’t pretend that you didn’t know how hard it would be for me to have you here! I ran away for a reason, Pepper!”
“I thought it was to escape him, not me.”
The hurt in those words was almost too overwhelming. Ricki sat up a little straighter in the bed, her head spinning a little as she did. She’d had this headache off and on, and it was definitely on at the moment. And when she looked at Pepper, there was something of an aura around her, a yellow light that was barely perceptible.
“It was to escape the whole nightmare. And you were part of that, whether you like it or not.”
“Maybe we should all stay away from each other. You and me and Terry! Maybe we all just need to get on with our lives alone.”
“That’s exactly what I was doing.”
Pepper nodded. “I’m sorry I screwed that up for you. I just thought…we were family. Isn’t family supposed to be there for you no matter what?”
“Not our fucked-up family.”
Pepper nodded. “Well, let me know when you’re done punishing me for what my father did.”
Pepper snatched up the food tray and headed for the door. Ricki was watching when she started to smell something…it was not right. And then the room seemed to shutter. And…
Chapter 12
Pepper
My hands were shaking as I carried the tray to the door. I couldn’t leave now, but I felt like I should. She didn’t want me here. And Nolan…I shouldn’t be here. He was so kind and so gentle, and he had no idea that I hadn’t gone out there to share a beer with him. I went out there to use him. And that was so unfair to him.
I should go. But what if I did and things changed in Dallas? What if they somehow—?
Ricki made an odd gurgling sound. I thought for a brief second that she was laughing at me, but I wasn’t sure why I would think that. And then I turned and saw her flopping around on the bed as if she was having some sort of fit. A seizure.
Oh, my God!
I ran to the bed, dragging the pillows out of the way as I fought with her shaking body to get her on her side. I’d never seen anyone have a seizure before now. It was the most frightening thing I’d ever witnessed. I got her on her side and looked around for something to put in her mouth. That’s what they did on television, right? Shoved a piece of leather in their mouths? But she didn’t have a leather wallet just sitting around in her bedroom. I held her jaw lightly in my hands, hoping that would be enough to keep her from biting her tongue off.
“Help!” I screamed as loudly as I could. “Someone help me!”
Ricki suddenly arched back, her body pressed against mine. Her eyes rolled back in her head. All I could see was the whi
te of her eyes as I tried to hold her, but not hold her. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I didn’t want her to hurt herself. And her belly, so swollen, sticking out from under her shirt, reminded me that there was another person here, too. What if she lost the baby after all of this?
“Help!” I screamed again. My panic was starting to build up, as her body slowly began to relax. “Ricki?”
I touched her face, wiped away tears that had spilled over her cheeks. Her eyes were closed now, her jaw not as rigid as it had been. Her body was still stiff, but it was slowly beginning to relax.
The bedroom door burst open, and Kipling stuck his head in.
“Did you call for help?”
“She’s had a seizure or something,” I said, a little surprised by how shaky my voice was.
Kipling came over, looked at my sister, concern suddenly bringing tension to his mouth. He pulled a phone from his back pocket and quickly dialed, speaking in calm, hushed tones. He asked for an ambulance to come. And then he dialed again.
I’m not sure what happened next. I sat down on the bed and pulled Ricki close to me, holding her as Kipling took charge. He never touched her, never said another word to me. He paced by the door as he spoke on the phone. Then David was there, fear written across his face. He climbed onto the bed, settling on the opposite of me, talking to Ricki, calling her name over and over again. And then the paramedics were there, pushing me out of the way as they checked her vitals, opened her eyes and shone light into them, sliding a blood pressure cuff over her arm. My legs were weak, but I somehow managed to stay on my feet as I watched them work.
“Is she going to be okay?”
No one answered me—and that frightened me more than anything else.
Kipling took my arm as they led the way downstairs, Ricki secured to a gurney. She was still unconscious. David was holding her hand, refusing to move from her side even as they struggled to get her down the stairs in the bulky gurney.
Annie was pale at her desk, the others standing around, watching. I looked for Nolan’s familiar face, but I didn’t see it. Just the others, people I hardly knew even after all the time I’d spent in this house.
Kipling put his arm around me when I nearly tripped at the bottom of the stairs. We followed the gurney outside and watched as they slid Ricki into the ambulance, David following closely. Then Kipling led the way to his SUV—black, just like all the others—and helped me into the passenger seat.
I must have been in shock. I don’t remember most of the ride to the hospital even though it was a good ten, fifteen minutes from the Grayson mansion. I did remember arriving, however, because Kipling came around to my side of the car and took both my hands in his.
“You did good, Pepper. You held her so that she wouldn’t hurt herself and you called for help. That’s really good.”
Tears burned my throat as his words registered. We were arguing. It was my fault this had happened. If she lost the baby or…worse…
Kipling helped me out of the car and into the emergency room. It was chaotic, people all over the place—sick people, injured people, families and friends waiting for word on their loved ones. We were there over an hour when they finally directed us to a waiting room on the maternity floor, one set back from the delivery room so that we wouldn’t have to listen to the happy talk of those expecting new babies today. I stood at the back of the room, my back to David because I couldn’t stand to see the worry etched into every inch of his handsome face. The people from the office came and went. Annie was chosen to go get Chase from preschool, that Knox woman sitting with David, silently holding his hand. Others came. Ingram with his wife, who was almost as pregnant as Ricki, but not experiencing any of the complications Ricki was having; Tierney and Alexander; Elliot and his girlfriend. Everyone but Nolan.
I just knew she had some sort of permanent damage. She was going to be brain dead or something, stuck on a ventilator for the rest of the pregnancy. Or she’d survive, but the baby was gone, stillborn because of the seizure. There was no way this ended optimistically. People don’t just have seizures like that for no reason. We argued and it made her blood pressure skyrocket. Or she didn’t eat and that made her blood sugar drop too much. Or maybe I forgot to make sure she took her medicine last night and that made her sugars go too high.
Either way, it was my fault. I did this to my sister.
Kipling came over to me after a little while, rested his hands on my shoulders.
“Do you want to sit down? You must be exhausted.”
I shook my head.
“You can’t help Ricki if you exhaust yourself, Pepper.”
I shook my head again, wiggling my shoulders to pull free of his touch.
The doctor came not even ten minutes later. Despite everything—my fear, my desire not to look at David—I rushed over, insinuating myself into the conversation. David slipped his arm around my waist, pulling me close against him. I wanted to pull away; I wanted to tell him it was all my fault. I wanted him to hate me, not include me. But I couldn’t make my mouth work; I couldn’t make the words form beyond my throat.
“Ricki is going to be okay,” the doctor said kindly, touching David’s shoulder lightly. “The seizure was brought on by an infection. With the blood pressure issues and the blood sugar and the bed rest, she developed a bladder infection that spread to her kidneys.”
David cocked his head slightly. “She hasn’t complained of any symptoms.”
“She might not have noticed them beyond the usual discomforts of being pregnant and lying in bed all day. But her urinalysis and blood tests show that it is a significant infection. We’ve started her on antibiotics and would like to keep her in the hospital for a few days to make sure they work. But she’ll be good as new in a few days and you’ll be able to take her home then.”
David sighed. “Thank you so much, Dr. Wallace.” David then turned into me and pulled me close, hugging me so tight I almost couldn’t breathe.
“I was so afraid it was something I’d done,” he said.
I shook my head. “No, it was me. We were arguing.”
David smiled, his eyes lighting up. “You know Ricki. You know she thrives on arguments. That’s not what caused this.” I shook my head, but he took my face between his hands. “She’s okay. The baby’s okay. Stop beating yourself up.”
I forced myself to nod, but I couldn’t match his smile or even say the words I knew he wanted me to say. I couldn’t really believe that this wasn’t my fault somehow.
The nurse came and told David he could visit his wife.
“Want to come?” he asked me.
“No, thanks.”
I watched him go, then turned and rushed down the hallway to the bathroom. My stomach was rolling over, bile already rising in my throat. And unshed tears were still burning my throat, a constant irritant that never actually went away. I needed a moment to pull myself together. I needed to escape the stares of all these people who cared so much for Ricki but who knew me about as well as their butcher or the paperboy.
“Hey.”
His voice was warm and soothing, almost like a cooling balm on a burn. I turned and threw my arms around his neck, not even caring where he’d come from, not caring why it took him so long to get here. I was just glad he was here.
Nolan’s hands moved slowly over my back, over my head, calming me as I buried my face in the crook of his neck.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner,” he said, speaking close to my ear. “I was in Houston speaking to a couple of witnesses on this case David has me working.”
I just nodded, not really caring where he’d been. He was here now. That was all that mattered.
I found his hand and tugged him into the women’s bathroom. He hesitated, glancing behind him, dragging his feet just before his toe slipped over the threshold. Then he was behind me, following me to one of the deep stalls.
I pressed myself up against him, needing to feel him, to forget everythin
g that had happened today if only for a few minutes. I needed to feel safe for a moment, to release this guilt that had been weighing so heavily on my shoulders all day. I needed to be someone else, someone who did this sort of thing, someone who didn’t care what other people thought of her.
I kissed him, almost roughly, pressing him back against the flimsy door of the stall, kissing him with all the emotion that had been swirling inside of me all day, all the hurt and fear and guilt, all the darkness that threatened to swallow my soul up whole. I kissed him with every ounce of energy I had left, with every bit of need that suddenly overwhelmed me.
“Pepper,” he moaned, pushing my face back, his hands pressed to my cheeks. “Pepper, I…” But whatever he’d had to say, he clearly wasn’t too worried about getting it out. He began to kiss me, pushing me back against the wall, his hands sliding under the side of my t-shirt. I moaned, loving the feel of his fingers dancing over my ribs. Just the feel of those warm hands in a place where they’d never been before made my belly tighten, made my thoughts go to things that my heart shouldn’t have been ready for. But this wasn’t about my heart. This was about connecting, about forgiving myself. It was about pretending I wasn’t the person Ricki knew I was long before I ever saw the truth.
This was about pretending I was the kind of girl who deserved a man like Nolan.
I didn’t. At the end of the day, I didn’t deserve someone as kind and gentle as him. In the end, what I deserved was what I’d already had, what I’d walked away from.
Ricki was right. I’d never done anything to protect her. I hadn’t done enough to protect Terry or my mom either. I never told anyone what I’d seen my father do to Ricki. I never told anyone about the time my father held my mom’s face to an open flame, threatening to burn her beyond recognition. I never told anyone about the time he broke Terry’s arm in three places because he left his schoolbooks on the kitchen table. I’d never told anyone that I prayed every night my daddy would get sick and die, or that I was happy when he finally did.
I never tried to stop what was happening. Not really. So I didn’t deserve a man like Nolan, who would treat me with respect, who would want me even when he saw the stains on my soul. Even when he knew what I’d done to cause Ricki to be here in this hospital.
CHASING PEPPER (Gray Wolf Security, Texas Book 5) Page 8