by Carr, Robyn
It had been a long day and she was overwrought herself. But she had this insane idea she would come home to Alex, fall into his arms and be comforted by him. What had happened instead was too crazy for words. But the bottom line seemed to be that he couldn’t cope with the kind of life she’d lived before. This was something she thought she had prepared herself for—but apparently she’d been in denial, because his anger hit her like a brick in the gut.
Perhaps there was something indecent about it, because she hadn’t loved those men. They hadn’t loved her, either, but that wasn’t the point. She wasn’t pure because she hadn’t been driven by pure intentions. She had been looking for a way to keep from getting hurt and to keep her head above water.
However, her intentions were pure now. She wanted to help Hedda if she could, she wanted to work with Buzz on feeding some of the town, she wanted to be best friends with Louise and Rose, and she wanted to love Alex.
She had wanted to. Maybe not anymore.
She began to cry. It was amazing how she had held tears at bay for so many years and now it seemed every time she turned around, she was whimpering.
This was considerably more than a whimper. She was gasping. “God, Alice,” she wailed. “I thought if I could just tell the truth…I pretty much fell for him even though he’s the biggest pain in the ass…. I wouldn’t have told him that way, but…And I don’t know if it matters that I only told him all that because I wanted to…. When you love someone you have to…”
She heard the rain begin to pelt the windows even as the wind howled. She got up, blew her nose on a tissue and looked out the front window. There, pacing back and forth like a lunatic in the pouring rain, his head down, his strides long and angry, was Alex.
He had absolutely no idea why he’d said those horrible things. He didn’t know if Dobbs had goaded him into it or if somewhere, deep down, he didn’t want to get involved with a woman who could do that—be with someone she didn’t love just because she’d get nice things.
Oh, hell—women fall for men in uniform all the time. Cops and firefighters walk into bars and can just about have their pick. Shamefully, Alex admitted to himself that he’d taken advantage of that a time or two. Where was the difference?
The rain came, and he thought, figures. Now that you’ve said all the things that cannot be unsaid, you have completely ruined any chance of ever going forward with her. Now it’s raining on your stupid head. Lightning should strike you and put you out of your misery.
Oh, said his alter ego, Now you want to go forward. Nice going, dumb ass.
I always wanted to go forward, it just set me back on my heels to hear that she’d been a—I knew she’d had another life—but I didn’t know it was that kind of life.
She hadn’t been a whore. Those were Dobbs’s words. You heard her—she’d had relationships with these guys, and it made sense to her at the time. She must have been scared and desperate at first. What else did she have going for her?
Well, you’re too stupid to live. Now, just when you could have had her, you’ve lost her forever. No way she can forgive the way you talked to her.
As if to prove himself wrong, he ran up the two steps to the door. He banged on the door just as thunder roared. She opened the door, tissue to her nose, eyes moist with the tears that he had caused. He had to yell to be heard above the wind and flapping of tree branches.
“I’m an idiot! I love you!”
She stared at him for a moment. He felt the rain drip off his thatch of thick brown hair. She pushed open the screen and said, “Okay, then. Come to me.”
Thirteen
She pulled him inside and put her arms around him, pulled him soaking wet against her. She lay her cheek against his shoulder and let herself cry. His arms went around her. “I have no idea what happened to me,” he said. “Multiple-personality disorder, probably.”
She looked up at him. “Did you get everything off your chest?”
“Jennifer, I said things I didn’t even know were in me. Honest to God, I don’t know what made me so mean. I’m so sorry. I don’t think I even meant some of those things.”
“You were pretty convincing. Pretty angry.”
“Yes. But at what, I’m not sure. So stupid. Besides being an idiot, I must have been scared.”
“Of?”
He wiped a tear off her cheek with a knuckle. “Of losing you. I know your life isn’t here. Whether it involves men or not, I know your life is somewhere else. Where you have a home, a job, roots.”
She shook her head. “In three months I’ve had more here than I had in Florida in eleven years. Without even meaning to I put down some serious roots.” She laughed through her tears. “For someone who was trying to be invisible…”
“I should have waited for you to tell me,” he said.
She began unbuttoning his wet shirt. Between kisses she said, “When things started to get heavy the other night, I couldn’t let you go any further until you knew everything about me. I was going to tell you right away—but so many things happened in the meantime. Hedda, Alice…”
She slipped her hands inside his shirt and spread them across his chest. The shirt fell from his shoulders and he pulled her against him, kissing her deeply.
“You should have no regrets,” she said.
“Neither should you.” He slipped a hand under her shirt and found a breast, then undid her bra and found it better. Her breath caught. “I can’t give you all those things,” he reminded her.
“I want you for yourself,” she said, raising her arms so that he might pull off her shirt and bra. She pressed herself against him. “Things don’t mean as much as you think.”
“If we ever go anywhere, we’ll be flying coach.” He bent to kiss a shoulder and worked his way back up her neck to her lips.
“The only place I want to go now is to bed,” she whispered against his mouth. “And the sooner the better.”
He lifted her in his arms and carried her the very short distance to the bedroom, blessing the smallness of these houses as he did. He fell with her onto the bed. They kicked off their shoes without breaking their embrace. Tongues played and probed, hands went to belts and waistbands, lightning lit the room in brief flashes, illuminating them as they shed their clothes.
Her hand closed around him and she sighed. “Oh, Alex,” she said approvingly. His response was a deep moan. He ran a line of kisses from her neck, over her chest, lightly sucking an erect nipple, down over her flat belly, pausing only briefly before moving over the soft mound to lick, not gently, her moist insides. She rose against his mouth. “Oh, Alex!” she cried softly.
Her hand tightening around him, he was a doomed man. And she was drowning him, so there appeared no reason to wait. Rising again, she must have had the very same thoughts, for she gently guided him into her. He pressed in slowly, as slowly as he was able, and her legs instantly wrapped around him to keep him there. They rocked, and rocking quickly became a bucking. He pulled upward, grabbing her buttocks in both hands so the friction would bring her quick results, locking his mouth over hers. As her tongue entered his mouth, he sucked it gently. In a spasm, he felt her insides grab him, vibrate around him, torture him at length. She held her breath, held his shoulders, and he pumped. And let himself go.
They fell onto the sheets in relief but couldn’t let go of each other. “Oh, my,” she said breathlessly.
He touched her back, her arm, her lower spine, her breast. He took a moment to catch his breath, then said, “Now that that’s behind us, we can take our time.”
“Oh, my,” she said again.
“Then you approve?” he asked.
She answered with her lips. Even though they were spent, they lay kissing and touching, entwined, toes caressing toes, knees knocking knees, until within her Alex began to grow anew. This time, though passion stirred as hot, the urgency would not hinder them. This time would be for the sheer pleasure of waiting and enjoying. He turned her on her belly, pulled her on his lap, rolled over and le
t her be on top. Still, in the pulsing end she proved her vocabulary was limited. “Oh, my,” she said.
He braced an elbow on the bed and looked down at her. “Jennifer, I’m in love with you. I’m sorry for the way I behaved earlier.”
“Let it go, Alex. I have.”
“There’s still a lot we have to learn about each other, about where we came from and who we are, but I give you my word, I will never raise my voice to you in anger again. Never.”
She put a palm against his cheek. “I love you, too, Alex. And what you have offered me is more than I could ever have imagined.”
He grinned devilishly. “It appeared you were nicely satisfied.”
“Very nicely,” she said, smiling back.
“Did I forget anything?” he asked, giving her butt a squeeze.
“Well, we might have considered a condom.”
He was frozen. Speechless. Hopeful idiot that he was, he’d even had one in his pants pocket—not that one would have gotten them through the night.
“Rats,” he finally said.
Deep in the night, Alice began to howl. It was a deep and mournful sound. Jennifer bolted out of bed, not even entirely sure it was Alice—she’d never heard a sound like that before. She grabbed the chenille robe and raced to her, leaving Alex to fumble for his pants in the darkness.
She found Alice sitting up in the arch of the French doors that led to the porch, her snout raised as she howled. The sky was dark, but the rain had stopped. When Jennifer reached her, she gave a final howl, a couple of barks, then lay down on the floor with her snout between her paws.
Jennifer dropped beside her. “What is it?” she asked the dog.
Alice merely gave a whimper.
The lights were still off. “Prowler, maybe?” Alex suggested.
“Oh, Alex, what if Hedda came and we didn’t hear her?”
“I’ll check around,” he said.
“Be careful!” she ordered him. Then she turned her attention back to Alice, petting her.
She made Alice get up and walk around a little to be sure she wasn’t in some kind of terrible pain, and the dog seemed to be able to move around all right. But she wanted to lie in the doorway to the porch. Every so often she would emit a whimper. A little cry.
Jennifer curled herself around her and lay with her on the floor.
Alex came back to report there was no one around the house and the doors were all locked. “If anyone had knocked or rung the bell, I’d have heard,” he said. “I’m a light sleeper.”
“She’s still very upset, but she doesn’t seem to be in pain. She can move around all right.”
He looked down at the two of them on the floor, then sighed in resignation. He went to the bedroom, retrieved pillows and blankets, and cozied up with them on the floor. And that was how they spent the night.
“Doris, I can’t seem to find anything wrong with Alice,” Sam said.
“She whined all night,” Jennifer explained to the vet. “This morning she wouldn’t eat and all she does is lie with her nose pointed at the porch. Louise’s office. Sam, that’s a new spot for her. She usually likes it by the hearth where the uncarpeted floor is nice and cool.”
“Maybe she’s just missing Louise. I’ll do a blood draw to check a few things, and give her a vitamin supplement. But this might just be old age taking its toll.”
“I can’t let anything happen to her!”
“Doris, there are some things we just can’t control. Louise and I have talked about this. She and Alice are both ready, when the time comes.”
“Well I’m not!”
“See if you can get her to take a walk around the park. I’ll call you with the test results later.”
“Okay. Come on, girlfriend.”
But Alice wasn’t interested in the park. She’d take a few steps and lie down. Jennifer didn’t want to tug on her too hard, but it took quite a bit of coaxing to get her to take even a few more steps. In resignation she decided she’d better speak to Buzz and take the rest of the morning off. Tugging and coaxing and pleading, she got Alice pointed in the direction of the diner, and then suddenly the dog perked up and took off, pulling at the lead.
When they got to the diner, Alice became animated. She was usually content to lie outside in the shade, but today she whimpered at the door and wanted to go in. Jennifer looked around, saw that there were only a couple of people, friends of Alice’s, so she let her come inside. But that wasn’t enough—Alice pulled the lead right out of Jennifer’s hand and began sniffing all over the diner, from the front door to the back. She went from booth to booth, table to table, then tried to get behind the counter. Jennifer had never seen her so excited.
“Buzz,” Jennifer said, “I’m going to have to take the morning off. Something’s wrong with Alice.”
Buzz leaned over the counter. Alice was panting, her tongue hanging out and her eyes bright and sparkling. “She looks pretty good to me.”
“She’s acting very strange. She was up last night howling, barking, whining. This morning I could hardly get her to cross the park to Doc Gunterson’s—and then I couldn’t drag her back, but the minute the diner came into view, she bolted over here. Look at her—she’s all wound up. Think she’s looking for Louise?”
Buzz went to the dog biscuit jar and pulled out a nice big one for Alice. He offered it to her and she flopped down on her belly, snout flat to the floor.
“That would be a ‘no thank you.’”
“No kidding. Okay, I can cover you. Let me know how she is.”
“Sure.”
“And about that other thing. The guys who came for you yesterday? If you don’t want me to ask…”
“I’ll tell you all about it once it gets straightened out. Okay? Right now I have to concentrate on my girl here.”
“Just so you know—if you need anything.”
That was the thing about Buzz, about most of them—offering help even though he couldn’t be sure that Jennifer was a law-abiding person. And it was from the heart. Buzz trusted his instincts, and his instincts told him she was okay, and he went with that. She wondered how often he got burned.
“Thanks,” she said. “Come on, old girl. Let’s go home.”
Going home took a while; Alice’s heart just wasn’t in it. By the time they made it home and she took up her place on the floor facing the porch, half the morning was gone. Jennifer called Rose to tell her what was going on, just to keep her in the loop. Five minutes later, Rose was at the door. She had something draped over her arm.
“You have tennis shoes, right?”
“Yes. Why?”
“You can’t do anything right now. Alice is just going to lie there. Come to aerobics with me.” She held out an exercise ensemble.
“Oh. I don’t think so,” she said, backing away. “I took the morning off to be with Alice.”
“What are you going to do? Sit here and stare at her? Come with me.”
“I don’t know,” she said. But she wanted to. She missed her workouts, her gym.
“Don’t be shy, Doris. You can keep up with a few little old ladies, can’t you?”
“I’m not sure I can,” she said. But her hands were reaching for the clothes. And a slow smile was beginning to appear on Rose’s face. “How long is the class?”
“Just an hour. It looks like all Alice is going to do is lie there and wait.”
“I just feel so sorry for her.”
Rose went to Alice, crouched and gave her a pat. “I know. But remember, she’s a bit melodramatic. She always puts on a show when Louise leaves.”
“This is a little worse,” she said. “But you’re right, I can’t do anything. And I don’t think she’s in danger.” Jennifer held up the shorts and tank top. And smiled. “Sure, I’ll go with you.”
Jennifer had to laugh at the way they drove in Rose’s convertible, top down, to the little dance studio a few blocks away. Everything in this town was just a few blocks away! “You’ll thank me for the
ride home when the class is over,” she said.
One thing that Jennifer hadn’t counted on—Rose was a liar. There were not a few little old ladies in this class, even if it sometimes seemed to be a town full of them. Rose was far and away the oldest one there, and one of the most fit. A couple of the trim young mothers who jogged in the park and then went to the diner for sticky sweet bear claws and coffee were there, stretching out, and when they saw Jennifer they called to her and waved.
The instructor, a woman in her thirties and hard as a rock, was clapping her hands. “Come on, girls! Stretch out and get your steps! I see we have a newcomer. Stay up here close to me so I can help you with the steps if you need me. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”
“Oh-oh,” Jennifer said. “I have a feeling this is going to hurt.”
“It’ll hurt good,” Rose said, grinning.
And before she knew it, the music was on and they were away. They started off slow, but the pace picked up instantly. There wasn’t a single step she didn’t know, even if the routine was slightly different. Jennifer had been doing aerobics for years and she caught on quickly. Plus, it was true what she said—she was a good follower. Too good, it had become clear. It was time to stop following and begin making her own life.
It felt good to move her body, to jump around, to skip and hop and sweat. She clapped her hands with the group and even let out the occasional whoop. She looked around the room when she could manage—there were about twenty women ranging in age from twenty-five to Rose’s seventy. There were only a couple of women around sixty or more, and they moved a lot more slowly and cautiously than Rose.
Rose was obviously still a dancer. She was agile, strong and very coordinated. She had great rhythm and style, and abounded with energy. Luckily for her she didn’t suffer any of the debilitating conditions some women her age had to endure. Rose was flying through the class, barely breaking a sweat.
Time flew by and before she knew it, they were done. The young women she knew from the diner rushed over to her. “Doris, you’re great!”
“This is nothing new for you—you didn’t have any trouble keeping up!”