“Yeah, it sure does suck, kiddo,” Terry empathized. “The mind will do funny things when it’s under extreme or prolonged distress. I promise, you’re not crazy.”
“But, I’m not under extreme stress. My life is better now than it’s ever been.”
“Sometimes, when a person is finally feeling that they are in a safe place to be dealing with old traumas, the barriers can start to come down.”
“I don’t like them coming down. It makes me feel...” Danny struggled to find the word.
“Vulnerable?” Terry suggested.
“Like shit.”
“That’s what we are going to be working on, ways to make you start to feel, eh–in your words, less like shit. I know we’re over our time, but let’s take five minutes to do a little bio-feedback and practice your breathing.”
Danny groaned, but Mitch’s stern face as he scooted him off his lap told him not to object.
*****
After the session, Mitch took Danny’s hand and walked him to the car. Danny’s resolve to not break down almost cracked at the simple gesture of affection.
“Those were good tips about flashbacks,” Mitch remarked as they neared the parking lot. “I was impressed with how quickly you picked up on those relaxation techniques.”
Danny was numb from the session and was in too much of a fog to acknowledge Mitch’s words of support. Only vaguely aware of the cool wind on his face and the feel of the pavement under his feet, he was disoriented when Mitch took out his key to unlock the jeep. If Mitch hadn’t been leading the way, he was certain he wouldn’t have gotten there on his own.
Opening the passenger door for Danny, Mitch asked, “Are you feeling any better?”
“I guess,” he answered with a shrug.
They were both deep in thought when the jeep pulled out of the lot to head home. Mitch robotically weaved through traffic while slowly allowing the events of the counseling session to sink in. As he was digesting everything, he glanced over at his young partner and could see him visibly shaking.
Mitch shook his head, frustrated with himself. He steered the vehicle towards the New York City harbor. Easing the jeep into a semi-secluded parking spot, he soaked up his regret. With Danny so young and vulnerable, he had been consumed with guilt. Mitch feared that being in a sexual relationship with much older men was feeding into the trauma and confusion of his childhood. His own desires to be with Danny had seemed selfish. But, Danny was right; he hadn’t been listening. In an effort to protect, he forgot to ask Danny what he wanted. Danny was no longer a defenseless child. He was a young man who had every right to be hurt and angry. Ashamedly, Mitch was adding to it, and he had the bruises on his shins to prove it. He could have kicked himself. Now it was up to him to fix it. Mitch put the Cherokee in park, turned off the ignition, and stared at the distant view of the bay. Closing his eyes, with the image of waves still rolling through his mind, it struck him at how badly he had messed things up.
“I’ve been an ass.”
Slowly peering up, Danny bit his lower lip, wondering if he heard right.
“Can you forgive me?”
Danny’s heart thumped to his throat. “Forgive you?”
“I haven’t been handling things well.”
“Mitch?” Danny was nervous at hearing the quiver in his voice. “Are you okay?”
“I’d feel a lot better if I had my baby in my arms.”
Danny’s belly tingled as Mitch unhooked their seatbelts and patted his lap. He then maneuvered his seat to accommodate the both of them as Danny crawled over to him. Once he was within reach, Mitch lifted Danny under his arms and placed him so they were facing each other. They sat for an awkward moment without saying a word. Danny began fiddling with the buttons on Mitch’s shirt. After realizing with embarrassment what he was doing, he stopped and began biting the skin around his thumb.
Mitch pulled Danny’s hand away from his mouth and picked up the other one. Holding them between his, he said, “I need to know what you want.”
“I already told you. You didn’t want to hear it.” Danny winced at the whining sound of his own voice.
“I’m listening now,” Mitch assured him.
“I want things to go back the way they were.”
“Back how?”
“Back to before I said anything, before you...” Danny trailed off, unable to hold his intense gaze.
Mitch released Danny’s hands to lift his chin. With a heavy heart, he acknowledged his part in Danny’s reluctance to open up. “Unfortunately, we can’t go back. If we could, I’d twist Stan’s neck until he was gasping for air and begging for forgiveness he doesn’t deserve, and will never get. Then I’d snap it until he was paralyzed and unable to wipe his own ass, much less ever lay a hand on you or anyone else.”
“Been giving it some thought?” Danny pulled his face away from Mitch and tried to laugh, but couldn’t. He tightened his chest and said softly, “Don’t waste your time thinking about him. It’s not worth it, trust me.”
“You’re right,” Mitch said, clearing his throat while trying to stifle his own tenuous emotions. “Let’s talk about how we can move forward. That’s what I want us to do.”
“How?”
“We need to get clear on a few things first.”
“Like what?”
“We can start with some of the things you brought up in counseling today.”
Danny gave another anxious peep up. Mitch responded by saying calmly, “I think it’s time we address the discipline aspect of our relationship.”
“What do you mean?”
“Meaning, Antonio and I spank. You knew that coming into our relationship.”
“I know.”
“That being said, I have to admit, we didn’t give you the courtesy of a thorough discussion about it as we had with the others. Maybe it was because we had already been disciplining you and it seemed a natural transition. Or, maybe it was because we assumed you already understood and accepted it. That wasn’t fair to you, was it?”
Danny played with the buttons on Mitch’s shirt again as he took in his words. “We talked about it. Remember? I said I wanted it.”
“I know you did. Even so, I can’t help but think it was coerced.”
“Coerced how?”
“When I brought it up you had been partnered with us for over a month. By then, you were in love and willing to accept almost any condition placed on the relationship. Isn’t that right?”
Surprised at how much Mitch understood his feelings, Danny nodded appreciatively.
“Maybe I have been treating you too much like a child. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide what you want.”
Danny’s eyes went wide at the unexpected direction of the conversation. “So, you’re saying I have a choice now in whether or not I want to be spanked?”
“You always had a choice.”
“But, you mean, I can still stay in the relationship with everyone, even if I choose no?”
“It wouldn’t be my preference, but we all care about you. No one, I am sure, would be willing to let you go if you decided corporal punishment wasn’t right for you. It wouldn’t be easy, but we’d make it work.”
The butterflies in Danny’s stomach fluttered. Although it was reassuring to hear that Mitch was committed to him, Danny wasn’t convinced that his lover really knew what he was getting into. “Well,” he said thoughtfully, “I don’t like spankings.”
“I know.”
“But you like to give them,” Danny added with a pout.
Mitch chuckled. “I don’t exactly enjoy giving them. However, I like the extra safety net it provides. A little incentive to remember the rules Antonio and I want you boys to live by.”
“You haven’t spanked me since I...since...” Danny stammered over his words.
“I haven’t felt it was necessary,” Mitch answered, saving him from his struggle.
“Then you haven’t been paying attention,” Danny said quietly. Mitch cocked
his head to look more closely at his boy, causing Danny’s fingers to freeze on his shirt. Slowly he confessed, “I’ve been trying to get you to...pay more attention.”
“By being naughty?” Mitch asked with a raised eyebrow.
Danny ducked his head and blushed.
“Wouldn’t it be easier on your bottom, and my hand, if you just asked for my attention?” Mitch pressed.
“I tried to, but...”
“I wasn’t listening.”
Nodding faintly in agreement, Danny took a breath, and made a second admission. “TJ spanked me yesterday.”
“He did? Should I ask why?” Mitch hid his amusement at the way Danny adamantly shook his head no. “You must have really needed my attention,” he said remorsefully, “if you were seeking punishment.”
“I thought...I was afraid you’d given up on me.”
The words hit Mitch hard. “Look at me,” he said, lifting Danny’s chin under his knuckle, “I wouldn’t do that.” Emphasizing each word he restated, “I will never do that.”
“Then why?” Danny asked choking up.
“You’ve been so fragile lately, and with everything you told us, I didn’t want you to think I was mistreating you.”
“I don’t think that.”
“Maybe you don’t, but I can’t help worrying about taking advantage of you. Sorry, it’s something I need to work out.”
“Oh.” Danny was beginning to comprehend the emotional load Mitch was carrying. It finally occurred to him that his men might need his help, too. Desperate to find a way, he asked, “Remember the first time you spanked me?”
“Not something I’m likely to forget.”
“I had never been punished like that before. I’ve been hit plenty, mostly out of drunken anger. I don’t like when you spank me, but...” Danny stopped, unsure of how to continue. He started over. “That day I ran off, I had this fucked up thought that maybe you’d come for me. It was crazy, so I told myself it wasn’t possible. By the time I was on the Greyhound, I was sure I was never gonna to see you guys again. I had never felt so alone. It didn’t make any sense to me because I’ve been on my own lots of times. But, this time, I was leaving a place that was beginning to feel like a home. It was the first time I ever felt like I could be a kid...and...that I was being taken care of.”
“So, why did you leave?”
“I was scared. I didn’t want to face my mother. Aside from that, I was mostly a’scared you’d see how much trouble I was. I didn’t wanna be there when you decided I was gonna cause too many problems to keep around.”
“I see. You were testing me.”
Danny turned red and continued, “When I saw you tearing down the bus after me, I thought I was dreaming. For real. I couldn’t believe you actually found me.” Danny fluttered his lashes remembering his astonishment. A small dimpled smile crept up. “You drove all those miles to chase me down.”
“You didn’t seem too happy to see me at the time.” Mitch chuckled at the memory of the shocked teen. Danny had jumped a foot in his seat hearing his name shouted from the front of the bus
“Can you blame me? You were scary as hell. I knew my ass was in for it. Plus, you didn’t seem to mind embarrassing the shit out of me.”
“What’s with all the bad language? If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were testing me now.” Mitch took the sting out his words by placing a finger to Danny’s button nose.
“You can’t punish me, Mitch,” Danny said smugly. “I haven’t given you permission.”
“Is that a fact?” Mitch followed up with teasing sternness.
“Yes it is. You said so.”
“What was I thinking?”
Danny simpered at the expression on Mitch’s face. “I think you lost your mind.”
“Clearly.”
“No take backs.”
“No take backs,” Mitch agreed. “I suppose I’ll have to let your language slide. Finish what you were telling me.”
“When I saw you on the bus, even though I was shittin’ bricks, I never felt so relieved in my whole life. I couldn’t believe you were bringing me home, just like I had secretly hoped. That kinda stuff never happened to me.”
“What about after I got you home? You weren’t too pleased with me once I spanked your wandering little fanny.”
“No, I wasn’t. I was sore...” Danny scrunched up his face in exaggeration. “But, when you spanked me...Well, you talked to me about it. You made me feel bad for what I did, and I knew I deserved to be punished. ‘Side from it being painful and humiliating, it was like you were doing it because you thought what I did mattered. That I mattered.”
“You do matter, to all of us, very much.”
Danny went flush at those words and could feel his pulse start to race. He rushed his words out before he lost his nerve. “Before I ran off, I was afraid if you knew what I was really like, who I really was, you wouldn’t want me around anymore. Sometimes, even now...I think that. Except, then I think, I know you wouldn’t bother to spank me if you didn’t want me.”
“I’m sorry, babe, I should have made it more clear how much you’re wanted. It doesn’t always occur to me how insecure you are in our relationship–in any relationship. It would help if you shared more of your childhood with me.”
Danny directed his eyes bravely to Mitch’s. He held his gaze as long as he could. “When I was little, I’d get hit for being in the way or for mouthing off. I was hit by my father and a lot of my mom’s boyfriends. Mostly it was my mother who liked to hit. She would strike me for no reason, other than the fact I was there. She’d get into these rages where she’d call me bad names and accuse me of things I never did. There were times she’d even call me my father’s name. Then she’d throw shit or whack me with stuff. Other times she’d cry and start apologizing right before she passed out. By morning, she’d forget what even happened. She never bothered to ask me about my bruises like she knew she didn’t want to hear the answer.”
Danny blinked down to Mitch’s hands. “I tried to stay out of her way as best I could. One time I stayed at a friend’s house for three days. I woulda stayed longer if his parents didn’t insist my mother was missing me. I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth. She never even asked where I’d been. I used to wonder if she would be better off without me–if I was the reason she was angry all the time.”
Mitch was tight-lipped through Danny’s disclosure. He waited for eye contact to finally say, “You didn’t deserve that. No child deserves to be neglected or beaten. If being disciplined ever feels that way...”
“That’s just it, it doesn’t. You taught me that punishment is different from abuse. When I’m losing it, I can see myself turning into my mother. It’s...frightening. I hate her. I don’t wanna be like my mother. I don’t want the people I love to start hating me. I need you and Antonio to stop me, and punish me when I’m bad. Cos maybe if someone cared enough to stop my mom from drinking...” Danny put his head down, unable to continue.
Mitch placed a hand to the back of Danny’s head and pressed it to his chest.
Danny wiped his tears against Mitch’s shirt. “Maybe,” he said choking on his grief, “if someone had stopped her, she coulda been a different person. I tried, but she always picked her drink over me.”
“Baby,” Mitch was at a loss for comforting words as he hugged his little man tight. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Danny cried. “I don’t know why I lose my temper like that.”
“I’m a big boy. I can take it. With all you have been through, I need to know that you are able and willing to accept my limits and consequences.”
Danny took a moment to get his emotions under control. During that time, he thought of another way to express to Mitch how much he relied on those limits and consequences. “The last time I ran off, I heard you spanking Ricky. I was jealous because you had stopped spanking me. It felt like you were replacing me with someone nicer and easier t
o manage.”
Mitch was taken aback by what Danny was sharing, and how much he had overlooked. “You’re my boy, hard or easy. No one could ever replace you.”
“I’m not really a boy anymore, Mitch.”
“I recognize you’re an adult. It can’t be easy being in a relationship with men much older than you are. And, I admit, we often treat you as our baby.”
“I like being your baby,” Danny whispered into his shirt.
“What was that?”
Danny blushed.
Mitch pulled him away from his shirt and asked again, “Can you repeat that in an I statement?”
They both laughed, breaking the tension.
“I feel,” Danny began with a smirk. Unsure if he could get the words out, he stopped to bite his lips.
Mitch traced his finger over Danny’s mouth and said, “Please.”
“I like it when you baby me.”
“You do?”
“It makes me feel safe and loved,” he said, barely loud enough for Mitch to hear.
“And?” Mitch asked with a gentle prod.
“And, I don’t want you to stop,” Danny whispered.
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“But,” Danny spoke up, “I want to be your man, too.”
“You are my man. Some men respond better to being taken in hand when they feel out of control or are making bad choices. As long as it’s what you need, I want to continue to be there to pull you in line.”
“Why?”
“Partly because it’s in my nature, but mostly because I think it’s what’s best for you.”
“I don’t mind that you’re bossy.” Danny slipped his hand through an open button space he created in Mitch’s shirt. Inhaling his musky scent, he allowed himself to accept how much he not only took comfort in Mitch’s dominating ways, but how much he was aroused by it, too.
Mitch moaned as small fingertips brushed over his nipples. Danny smiled to himself. He let out a small whimper as Mitch caught his hand, preventing it from roaming any further. They had a discussion to finish. “I’ll stop the spankings if that’s what you want,” he told Danny.
“No, you don’t hafta. If TJ and Ricky can take it, then so can I.”
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