by Eva Luxe
“Yes, we slept together,” I say, willing myself to not look away and stand my ground. It was my decision to tell them and I can’t back out now. Andrew takes his hand off mine. I make note of this.
Andrew and Colleen are silent for a long moment. They simply look at each other speaking with just their eyes. I wait patiently, unsure of their reaction. And yet, at the same time, entirely sure of what they’re going to say.
“Grace,” Andrew speaks first, looking down at his hands, fingers laced together. “I want you to know that Colleen and I care about you greatly and we want to see you succeed in this life. Your initial hand was poorly dealt and we had thought that we were giving you a better deal. A better chance at better life…”
“You are!” I can’t help but interrupt. I need them to know how much they mean to me. It’s for that very reason that I’m being so honest with them now. “You’ve given me so much and I am eternally grateful for everything that you’ve done for me.”
“It doesn’t seem that way,” Boyd says. He looks at Colleen and she takes his hand, nodding at him in confirmation. “It seems like you’re not taking our beliefs seriously. It seems like you think you have a better idea of how you should live your life than we do.”
“No, it’s not like that,” I say, although I know that pleading with them will make no difference. I already feel the ultimatum coming and I can feel my heart breaking inside of my chest.
“Here’s what it is like Grace,” Andrew says, getting up from the table. He puts his hands on his hips and begins pacing. “Either you stay here in this house and we continue to help you in any way we can or you can quit your job. God wouldn’t want this life for you. You deserve better.”
“But I…” My heart sinks like a stone. I feel hot tears coming on but I push them away. I can’t let them see me break down like this. I won’t.
“It’s that simple, Grace. You either choose your job or you choose us. You can’t have both.” Andrew sits back down at the table and begins working again, putting his glasses onto the bridge of his nose. Colleen gets up from the table and goes to make tea without a single word to me. She doesn’t even give me a second glance.
This conversation is over and so is the life I was finally starting to envision for myself.
Chapter Twelve – Grace
I walk back to my room, resigned. I don’t know what I expected from them. Were they going to suddenly be understanding just because I’ve been their surrogate daughter for the past few years? Nothing was going to change the way they thought about sex outside of marriage and I shouldn’t have thought anything I said would change that. And the reason I felt compelled to tell them about it was because I don’t disagree with them. The guilt over what Boyd and I had and what I hoped we would continue to do was eating me alive. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning and yet I let it happen.
Over and Over again, I let it happen. But when I’m with him, everything else in the world falls away and it’s just the two of us. And being with him has never felt more right. And yet, I still feel as though I’m making a mistake. A gigantic, colossal mistake when it comes to him. Boyd and Colleen are right on one front. I have to make a choice. And a choice between my livelihood and the potential love of my life will be the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make.
** *
I walk into work the next morning with a heavy heart, my insides feeling like liquid. As if every part of my body is going to suddenly melt away onto the floors of the office. I might almost prefer it if it did.
I walk directly past my desk, Noah’s questioning look and I knock on Boyd’s door with baited breath.
“Come in,” his voice rings from the other side of the door and I contemplate just walking away without saying a single word to him. But I can’t not see his face one more time.
“Do you have a minute, Mr. Ashdown?” I ask, trying to keep things as professional as possible and ignoring the tugging feeling on my heart as I look at his beautiful face.
“For you, I have all day,” he says with a smile. He sees my demure reaction and his face falls. “What’s wrong?” He comes out from behind his desk and I shut the door behind me. He immediately puts his hands on me once he closes the space between us. I push his away and his reaction is one of pure pain and rejection. My heart squeezes.
“Listen, Boyd, I can’t work for you anymore. I’m quitting. Today’s my last day,” I tell him, rushing the get the words out.
“What do you mean? You can’t quit,” he says, trying to hold on to me but I move further away from him.
“I can and I am.”
“Why? Is it because of what happened between us? I thought that was what you wanted. It was what we both wanted.” I look at him and see he’s visibly hurt and questioning what the other night meant.
“I either continue to work here and get kicked out of my house or I can leave and continue to stay with my family. They’ve given me everything and I’m not about to squander that for some meaningless fling,” I say, crossing my arms and walking toward the door.
“Meaningless?” He laughs to himself, almost eerily. As if he cannot believe what he’s just heard. “How can you say that?”
“It’s better this way. And besides, it’s my decision and I’m making it. End of story.” I walk out the door without so much as another word to him. I leave him standing there in shock and awe.
I know I was being cruel when I said those things to him but it was better if he hated me and didn’t think what happened between us meant anything. I gather up my desk as fast as I can and am making my way to the elevators when someone stops me. It’s Noah.
“You’re leaving?” He looks at me in surprise and curiosity. “I thought you liked it here. You were doing so well. You made my job a whole lot easier.”
“It wasn’t working out how I imagined it would. I’ll see you around. Good luck with everything.” I walk away from him without another word. The elevator ride down is a lonely one.
Chapter Thirteen – Boyd
I find myself completely out of sorts at the next meeting with my business partners, Rod and Jeremy. I can’t concentrate on anything and my brains keeps running through Grace’s words on a constant loop. How could she think what happened between us meant nothing?
“Boyd?” I’m broken out of my reverie when I hear my name. I look up and see my business partners looking at me. “What’s up with you? You seem distracted,” Jeremy says, looking at me with concern.
“I am distracted. It’s my assistant. She just quit,” I say, hanging my head, not trying to even hide my disappointment.
“Did you sleep with her?” Rod immediately asks. I can only assume from the reputation I’ve acquired that there wouldn’t be any other possible explanation.
“Yeah, but it wasn’t like the others,” I say, wanting them to understand. I need them to understand and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to understand myself.
“Boyd! You need to stop this. You should be glad that she left quietly and it didn’t come to some sexual harassment lawsuit. You could have lost your job.” Jeremy says. He’s always the reasonable one. But I don’t have time to be reasonable, I just want Grace.
“He could have just lost his job? What about our jobs? You do know that you’re putting the rest of this company at risk with your reckless behavior,” Rod says, angrily. I’m hurt by his words but I don’t disagree with him.
“I know what I’ve been doing is stupid and we’re lucky that we haven’t landed ourselves in some sort of legal trouble,” I say, trying to placate them. “But there was just something about her. She seemed…”
“Different?” Rod says, annoyance in his voice. “She’s not like all the other women you’ve ever been with before?”
“No, I was going to say she seemed genuine,” I say, sighing deeply. “And I don’t know how it happened but I do know that I want to be with her.”
“That’s what you’ve said about countless others. You really shouldn’t be
allowed to hire female assistants,” Jeremy says. “They’ve never lasted long and it seems to be because of you. You need to get your act together, man.” He and Rod exchange a look that says they’ve been here before.
“You’re better off without her. Nothing good can come of this,” Rod says, and gets up from his seat. He turns off the projector and unplugs it, gathering the small machine in his hands.
“You know, I don’t need a lecture right now. I need you guys to be on my side,” I say, getting up and gathering my stuff from the meeting. I no longer really wish to speak to them. I sit on the edge of the conference room table, defeated.
Jeremy and Rod also begin picking up their things from the meeting, but they remain silent, indicating that they have nothing else to say to me. They’re near the door when they stop and look back at me and my pathetic self.
“We are on your side. You just don’t want to hear the truth,” Rod says and walks out of the room. Jeremy remains behind for a moment.
“Rod’s right. Maybe now you’ll learn not to mix business with pleasure,” Jeremy says, and he too, leaves without so much as a second glance.
They leave me alone with my thoughts and they go to no place I want to be.
Chapter Fourteen – Grace
I spend the next several days alone in my room, only coming out for meals and to take long walks through the park across the street. Andrew and Colleen try to cheer me up but nothing works. Nothing will placate my grief of losing Boyd. And although I made the choice to leave him, it doesn’t make the pain hurt any less. If anything, it makes it worse.
I’m quietly reading at my desk when I hear a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I say, placing the book face down on the desk and swiveling my chair towards the door.
Andrew opens the door slowly and takes in the room before he says anything. I wait patiently for him to start the conversation, although I know where it’s already going to go. Our conversations lately have been short and concise. It’s not like it used to be and I’m afraid that we’ll never get back what we once had.
“Let’s go for a walk. I’d like to talk to you,” Andrew says, walking into the room. He sits on the edge of my bed and looks at his hands. “I know things have been hard for you since quitting your job and I was hoping there was something I could do.”
“Andrew,” I say, looking away from him. I’m not really sure what to say to the man who forced me to make the hardest decision of my life. “There’s honestly nothing you can do. I just need some time.” I swivel my chair away, my back turned to him and attempt to go back to reading my book.
“Please, Grace,” Andrew says, standing up and coming over to me. “I want you to be able to confide in me. Maybe talking about…Boyd with someone else will help you move on.” He gets up and walks over toward the door. “I’ll see you outside in ten minutes.”
I sit at my desk for several minutes, knowing that I don’t seem to have another choice. But maybe talking about Boyd with someone else will help me move on. I can’t just keep everything bottled up. I’ll never be able to let go if I’m trying desperately to hold on. I grab my tennis shoes and pull them on. And it’s not like I have anything better to do.
Andrew waits for me on the porch, in full on athletic gear. I can already tell that this is going to much more than I’m going to be able to handle.
The trail into the park behind our house is a long one. It winds deeper and deeper into the woods for what feels like an eternity. Andrew walks beside me in silence for several minutes, the miles sliding past us slowly.
“Grace…” Andrew begins but I cut him off. I stand in front of him, my hands on my hips in frustration.
“How do you know that what I feel for Boyd isn’t true love? How do you know?” I ask, not sure if I actually want an answer from Andrew.
“Grace,” Andrew says, stopping me in my tracks. “You’re young. You don’t know what you really want. Only God knows what’s best for you.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” I say, knowing that what comes out of my mouth will only cause Andrew pain, but I can’t stop myself from saying it. “What’s so bad about knowing myself and knowing what I want?” I say, sitting on a rock just alongside the trail. I lace my fingers together and take a deep breath. “I know that I want to be with Boyd.”
“Grace, don’t say such things,” Andrew says, sitting on a rock beside me.
“Why not?” I’ve never spoken to Andrew with such contempt before and yet I can’t keep the frustration out of my voice.
“Because he’s not right for you. God is working on His plan for you and you need to give Him time to do so. He’s even working on his plan for me and it’s taken me in a very unexpected direction.” He moves closer to me and stares out into the trees.
“What are you talking about?” I ask, curious as to what Andrew’s really getting at. “What direction?”
“I believe that God is calling me to separate from Colleen.” He says it so matter-of-fact that I’m unsure if I hear him correctly.
“I’m sorry, what?” I turn towards him in shock, not believing what I’m hearing.
“I’m going to leave Colleen.”
“Why? And why would you think that God would want you to do that?” I honestly cannot comprehend anything that’s happening at the moment.
“Sometimes you just have to take things in stride,” Andrew says, looking into my eyes. “Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that things change.” He gives me a look that I’m unsure what to do with. It’s unlike any look Andrew has ever given me. It’s almost as if…
“I think we should head back to the house,” I say, standing up and brushing myself off. I no longer wish to have this conversation with Andrew. Boyd’s words pop into my head and I wish desperately to be able to talk to him about what just transpired between Andrew and I. I begin walking down the path back towards the house. Andrew stands up a few moments after me and we walk back to the house in silence.
Chapter Fifteen – Grace
That following Sunday, I find myself at the church before anyone else. I walk through the empty pews in silence, waiting for someone or something to arrive. It takes several long minutes before the rest of the parishioners start trickling in.
“Good morning, Grace,” I hear my name and I turn around to find Colleen standing behind me. “You left early this morning.” She smiles warmly at me and I can’t help but suddenly feel guilty.
“Morning, Colleen,” I say, and she guides us along the slowly filling pews to our seats near the front. “I just felt like getting out of the house. It’s nice being here alone. It’s calming.”
“Yes, it is.” Colleen takes my hand as we sit down in the front pew. “I hear you and Andrew went for a walk last week. Did he help you see things clearly?”
“I…” I’m not sure where to start and I’m not sure if this is the appropriate place to discuss this. “He definitely helped me see something. He told me about how…”
“How things are with us?” Colleen doesn’t look at me but continues to stare straight ahead at the front of the church. The stained-glass windows shine in the early morning sunlight.
“So, it’s true?” I ask, not wanting to hear the answer.
“Yes, it’s true.” Colleen says, looking at me. She smiles at me again but she lets go of my hand. “There are some things you can’t change, even if we want to. And even if you don’t agree with everything that Andrew says, he does know what he’s talking about. He wants what’s best for you and it’s not with Boyd.”
“But…”
“There are no “but’s”, Grace. If you don’t take our advice and leave Boyd behind for good, God won’t smile upon you. And most of all, you won’t be welcome in this church.” Colleen looks away from me and doesn’t say another word.
The Pastor steps up to the pulpit, preparing to speak, and suddenly the decision I should have made bombards me like a truck. But I can’t do anything about it at the moment.
So for now, I hold my head high and look ahead.
Chapter Sixteen – Boyd
I find myself staring at my computer screen, unable to focus on the emails trickling into my inbox. I almost don’t even recall how I ended up at work this morning. The night before was nothing but restless sleep. Endless tossing and turning that lead to more hours staring at the ceiling then in actual sleep. Grace constantly floats through my mind, my desire for her taking over everything I do. She’s like a drug that I just can’t quit. And one that I don’t want to.
A knock at the door startles me and I shuffle things around to make it look like I hadn’t been sitting here doing nothing for the last hour.
“Come in,” I say, looking toward my computer and opening the first of many emails. It’s all nothing much nonsense from my employees about issues needing my help to resolve. They all seem to small in comparison.
My new assistant, Oliver, walks in and gives me a nervous look. I can barely look at him. All I want is for this young man to be Grace. For her to walk into this office and tell me all the things I want and need to hear from her. All of the things I should be telling her. And yet…
“Pardon me, Mr. Ashdown,” Oliver says, holding several folders in his hands. “Your 10am appointment is here.”
“Thank you, Oliver,” I say, sighing heavily. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
He closes the door after a quick glance back at me and I can’t help but pity the poor kid. He’s not going to have a very friendly boss if things keep going as they are.
Sitting in the meeting with my partners and a potential new client, I can’t keep my brain focused on anything but Grace. I know how important this meeting is and I know what it will do for the company if we get this guy on board. I know all of that and then some and yet I still can’t get her out of my mind. I manage to make it through the meeting somehow, and afterwards, without contributing much of anything to the meeting, I leave and head back to my office. Oliver stops me in my tracks.