“I came around the final turn and everyone was cheering,” Grandpa said. “Then I spotted that cheating tortoise. He was running down the hill, from the starting line straight to the finish! I ran faster and faster, but halfway down the hill, that tortoise tripped and rolled the rest of the way to the finish line. And, yes, he got there first, by a whisker. But he was shell up with those stumpy feet of his a-kicking the air.”
“But that’s not fair!” Timmy said.
“You said it, Sonny Bob,” said Grandpa. “I protested long and loud. I ran a mile and that tortoise only ran fifty feet! But everyone loves an underdog. Makes a better story. At least now you know the truth.”
“Thanks, Grandpa!” Timmy hopped down from Grandpa’s lap and headed to the kitchen.
Grandma Hare was putting the top crust on a cabbage pie. She smiled at Timmy. “Your grandpa is a great storyteller,” she said.
“He sure is,” Timmy said. “I’m glad to learn the truth about that race.”
Grandma laughed and patted Timmy’s head. “The truth?” she said. “Well, I can swear that at least one part of Grandpa’s version is true.”
“Which part?” asked Timothy.
“He caught the eye of the cutest bunny in the forest that day.” Grandma winked. “And I married him, even though he does talk faster than he runs!”
THE END
WITCH HUNTS
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In Medieval times, you could be accused of witchcraft at the drop of a hat—even if the hat wasn’t black and pointed.
THE WITCH: Walpurga Hausmannin, Germany, 1587
SUSPECTED BECAUSE: She was elderly, and she had gnarled fingers and garlic breath.
ACCUSED OF: The death of at least 40 babies, 2 women, 8 cows, 1 horse, a passel of pigs, and a gaggle of geese
VERDICT: Guilty. For her crimes, Walpurga was stabbed five times with a red-hot poker, and her right hand was cut off. She was burned at the stake, and—so she couldn’t come back from the dead—her ashes were dumped in a raging river.
THE WITCH: Marguerite Carlier, France, 1612
SUSPECTED BECAUSE: She was proud and outspoken.
ACCUSED OF: Killing animals and causing men misery
VERDICT: Guilty. Marguerite was banished and sent away from her family. She spent seven years in exile.
THE WITCH: Anna Pedersdotter Absalon, Norway, 1590
SUSPECTED BECAUSE: Her husband removed holy images from Catholic churches. (He was a bishop and a man, so she must have made him do it.)
ACCUSED OF: Killing a young boy with a bewitched biscuit, turning a servant into a horse and riding her to a witch’s sabbat, and plotting a storm to wreck a bunch of ships and flood the town
VERDICT: Guilty. Anna was burned to death.
THE WITCH: Alice Kyteler, Ireland, 1324
SUSPECTED BECAUSE: She was rich and a lot of people didn’t like her.
ACCUSED OF: The death of four husbands and owning “terrible items,” including body parts of an infant, the fingernails and toenails of corpses, skulls of robbers, and candles made of human fat
VERDICT: Guilty. Alice escaped before her execution.
THE WITCH: Anna Pappenheimer, Bavaria, 1600
SUSPECTED BECAUSE: She was the daughter of a gravedigger and the wife of a toilet cleaner.
ACCUSED OF: Witchcraft, murdering children to make an ointment from their bodies, and flying
VERDICT: Guilty. Her flesh was torn with hot tongs, and then she was impaled, tied to the stake, and burned to death.
THE WITCH: Nisette de Pas-de-Calais, France, 1573
SUSPECTED BECAUSE: Perhaps because she’d been married four times
ACCUSED OF: Witchcraft
VERDICT: Guilty. Flogged and banished after receiving the chapeau d’etoupe—a circle of flax or hemp was put on her head and then set on fire.
THE WITCH: Neele Ellers, Netherlands, 1550
SUSPECTED BECAUSE: She had scars said to be the “devil’s mark.” Her mother and grandmother had been accused of flying 100 miles a night (without a plane). Oh, and she owned land a neighboring man wanted.
ACCUSED OF: Bewitching a young girl to faint and puke horse hair, cursing butter so it would not churn, and knocking men into ditches
VERDICT: Innocent. Neele was released, but 40 years later she was accused again and executed.
THE WITCH: Alison Device, England, 1612
SUSPECTED BECAUSE: Her grandmother was 80 years old, blind, “ugly,” spiteful, and outspoken, so…Alison was probably a witch, too.
ACCUSED OF: Giving her soul to the devil in return for having whatever she wanted, owning a hellhound, giving blood from under her left arm to a dog spirit named Tib, causing the death of an enemy’s daughter, and extracting teeth from skulls
VERDICT: Guilty. Alison was hanged, and her grandmother, Elizabeth, was imprisoned in the dungeon beneath Lancaster Castle, where she died.
THREE FACTS ABOUT WITCH TRIALS
1.Most of the accused were female and poor.
2.An accusation was enough to convict a witch. No proof of guilt was needed.
3.Denial of guilt was seen as…further proof of guilt.
DO YOU BELIEVE?
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A few quotes on magic and the land of fairy.
“Some things have to be believed to be seen.”
—Ralph Hodgson, poet
“Imagination is the true magic carpet.”
—Norman Vincent Peale, minister
“Many secrets of art and nature are thought by the unlearned to be magical.”
—Francis Bacon, scientist/statesman
“Everything is miraculous. It is a miracle one does not melt in one’s bath.”
—Pablo Picasso, artist
“Fairyland is nothing but the sunny country of common sense.”
—G.K. Chesterton, author
“Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.”
—Tom Robbins, author
“The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”
—Eden Phillpotts, author
“There may be fairies at the bottom of the garden. There is no evidence for it, but you can’t prove that there aren’t any.”
—Richard Dawkins, biologist
“I think that people who can’t believe in faeries aren’t worth knowing.”
—Tori Amos, singer
GRIM TALES FROM THE BROTHERS GRIMM
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Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm may be famous for writing fairy tales, but they would never be hired to write Disney movies. Here are a few of our favorite “Grimm” storylines.
THE GIRL WITHOUT HANDS
The miller has fallen on hard times. He needs money fast. So, what does he do? He makes a deal with the devil. In exchange for wealth, the devil can have whatever he finds standing behind the mill. The problem? The miller’s daughter is standing behind the mill when the deal is struck. When the daughter refuses to go along with the trade, the devil makes her dad chop her hands off. He does, and she’s had enough. She packs her severed hands on her back and sets off to make her own way in the world. After all, she couldn’t do much worse than dear old Dad.
RAPUNZEL
The fair Rapunzel has been trapped in a tower by a wicked sorceress. One day, a prince climbs up her long, long hair into the tower and asks her to marry him. She thinks that’s a great idea, until…the sorceress finds out, cuts off her hair, and casts her out of the tower. When the young prince returns, the sorceress tricks him into climbing up the severed tresses. Then she tells him that his beloved is gone. “The cat got her,” cackles the sorceress, “and will scratch your eyes out as well.” Grief-stricken, the prince throws himself from the tower, right into a bed of thorns. The thorns pierce his eyes and blind him. After that, the prince wanders into the forest where he can find nothing to eat but grass and roots.
THE UNGRATEFUL SON
A man and his wife are about to eat a roasted chicken when the man sees his dad coming down the lane. Being the selfish sort, the man hides the chicken. Bad idea. When he takes it out again, it has turned into a giant toad. The toad jumps on his face and stays there…for the rest of his life. He has to feed the toad every day to keep it from eating his face off.
THE WILLFUL CHILD
Once there was a boy who would never do what his mom wanted him to do. Apparently, God didn’t like his attitude, because he made the boy so sick no doctor could cure him. The boy died. He was buried, but his arm kept popping up out of the grave. No matter how many times the grave tenders tossed dirt on that arm, pop! There it was again. So the boy’s mom went to the grave and beat the arm with a stick. After that, the boy settled down to his eternal rest. (We told you these stories were grim.)
HANSEL AND GRETEL
There’s a famine in the land. The woodcutter worries that he won’t be able to feed his wife and two children. What does his wife say? “Early tomorrow morning we will take the two children out into the thickest part of the woods, make a fire for them, and give each of them a little piece of bread. Then leave them by themselves and go off to our work. They will not find their way back home, and we will be rid of them.” (Thanks, Mom.)
RED RIDING HOOD
A sweet little girl goes to visit her sick grandmother. Sadly, a wolf has eaten Grandma, and when Red Riding Hood shows up, he gulps her down, too. The end? No. A woodsman hears loud snores coming from Grandma’s house (apparently the wolf snored when his belly was full). Finding the wolf in Grandma’s bed, the woodsman hacks him open with scissors, and then pulls out Red Riding Hood and Grandma. The sweet little girl gathers up a bunch of heavy stones. She stuffs them into the wolf’s belly and, when he tries to run, he falls down dead.
THE END?
Not all fairy tales end with “and they lived happily ever after.” Some of the Grimm brothers’ stories ended with this lively little rhyme:
My tale is done, a mouse has run. And whoever catches it can make for himself from it a large, large fur cap.
THE PRINCESS AND THE PEASHOOTER
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
ONCE THERE WAS A PRINCE who wanted to find a princess worthy to marry him. To be good enough for his royal self, she had to be a one hundred percent pure-blooded princess with a capital P. So the prince hit the road. He traveled to every kingdom marked on the royal map, even one that turned out to be a post office box. The weary prince checked out princess after princess. But no matter how pretty or polished, there was always something not quite right about every princess.
The prince came home with his bum dragging. He flopped down on his goose-down mattress, fell into a deep sleep, and slobbered on his pillow. As the prince slept, a storm swept down from the mountain. Thunder smashed. Lightning sizzled. In the middle of it all, something that sounded like hail started pinging against his window.
“Oy!” A voice called. “Up in the tower! Open up. It’s frumping wet out here!”
The prince rolled over and blinked. Ping! Ping! With his spit-soaked pillow stuck to his cheek, he stood up, stumbled to the window, and threw open the sash.
“Who dares disturb my royal slumber?” he called.
Ping! Something whizzed past his ear. The prince squinted into the stormy night. At the bottom of the tower stood a princess wiping wet bangs out of her eyes.
“Are you serious?” she yelled. “Open up, or the next one’s going right between your highness’s squinty eyes!”
As the prince watched, she lifted something that looked like a peashooter to her lips.
“Hang on!” He slammed down the sash, thumped down the stairs, and yanked open the front door.
The princess strode into the cavernous hallway shaking off water like a mongrel dog.
“Hey!” the prince yelped. “This nightgown is silk!”
“Sorry.” The princess tucked the peashooter into a pocket hidden in the folds of her soggy gown. “So, do you think I could have a place to sleep for the night?”
Just then, the queen swept into the hallway. “What is the meaning of this intrusion?” she demanded.
The prince waved a hand at the dripping girl. A puddle had formed at her feet.
“This princess shot peas at my window!” he said. “And then she threatened to shoot me!”
“Really?” The queen’s eyes went wide. Then she put an arm around the girl’s shoulders and ushered her toward the fire still smoldering in the front room.
“Sit down, dear.” The queen pulled up two chairs.
The prince warmed his hands at the fire, watching the princess warily from the corner of his eye. For all he knew, she might take out that peashooter again. She wasn’t like the other princesses he’d seen. In fact, there was something about her that reminded him of his mother. What was it?
“So,” the princess settled into the chair. “I was hoping you might have a spare bed for the night.”
The queen clapped her hands in delight. “Do you know, before the king and I wed, his horrible mother forced me to sleep on top of twenty mattresses. I nearly had a nosebleed!”
“You’re kidding! Why?” asked the princess.
“She had put a pea beneath them.” The queen snorted. “She believed that only a real princess would have skin delicate enough to feel a pea through twenty mattresses.”
The queen leaned closer and whispered. “Don’t tell the king, but I tricked the old bat. I peeked through the keyhole and saw her hiding the pea. I slept like a log that night. But in the morning I told her I hadn’t slept a wink because something kept poking me in the back.”
“Mother!” the prince huffed. “Are you not of royal birth?”
The queen glared at her son. “Of course I am. But what is this? The Dark Ages?”
“Yes, Mother.” The prince nodded. “Yes, it is.”
“Oh. Well…” She waved a hand. “Anyway, after our wedding, the pea was put into the Royal Museum. Once you marry the prince, I’ll have to keep an eye on you.” She winked at the princess. “I wouldn’t want the royal pea to end up in your peashooter.”
“Marry?” cried the princess. “Prince Slobber Puss?”
The queen pulled the pillow off her son’s face. “He has many fine qualities,” said the queen. “If you’ll give him a chance to show you.”
The princess fingered the peashooter in her pocket, and the prince scooted behind his mother’s chair.
“Well, he did let me in out of the rain,” said the princess. “So even though he’s a bit of a prat, he must be a good judge of character. Otherwise, he’d have turned me away, what with the peas and the mud and the threats.” She grinned.
That’s when the prince saw it: perspicacity—that’s what this princess had. Just like his mother. The queen could see beyond outer appearances to the truth. Time after time his mother had saved his father from blunders that would have ruined the kingdom. Perspicacity was what the other princesses lacked, even though they were much less grubby and prone to violence. At last, the prince knew just what he wanted: a girl just like the girl who had married dear old Dad.
It took him a while to convince her. First, he had to learn to use a peashooter as well as the princess did. Then he had to stop drooling on his pillow when he slept. But in time, they had a fairy-tale wedding.
So our tale ends, with the pea still on its royal blue pillow in the Royal Museum. Unless, of course, you-know-who has stolen it.
THE END
HAVE BROOM, WILL TRAVEL
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Which enchanted ride would you chose?
MAGIC CARPET
PROS: Room for a crowd, very fast, beautiful
CONS: No protection from the weather, expensive, no seat belts
THE LORE: The biblical king, Solomon, was said to have had a magic carpet that measured 60 miles on each side. It was made
of green silk and woven through with pure gold threads. Who and what went along for the ride? Iron stoves, huge stone pots, horses and other animals, the king’s personal attendants, and…his entire army.
BROOM
PROS: Affordable, versatile (Sweeps and Flies!), fits perfectly in any broom closet
CONS: Uncomfortable to ride, no protection from the weather, splinters
THE LORE: In Germany, witches were said to have ridden on forks, shovels, and demons before they started flying on broomsticks. Why brooms? They could “sweep their tracks from the sky.” But some witches rode their brooms with the sweeping end first. Then they’d stick a candle in the broomstraw to light their way. (Headlights!) Ringing church bells are supposed to be able to knock a rider right off a broom, so this may not be the safest mythical mode of travel on Sundays.
WIZARD’S STAFF
PROS: Doubles as a weapon, has decorative options like crystals, performs other magical feats
CONS: Too long to conceal, but as easy to accidentally leave behind as an umbrella
THE LORE: Some say a wizard is much weaker without his staff. Others argue that the staff taps into the power inside the wizard. It stores that power, kind of like a magical battery. So when a wizard needs his staff, it’s… eveready.
PEGASUS
PROS: Great conversation starter, good companion, operates on land or in air
CONS: Has to be fed and brushed, and its poop has to be cleaned up
THE LORE: The legendary winged horse boarded for a while in the stables of the Greek god Zeus. But after a while, Zeus stuck the creature in the night sky as a starry constellation. Unfortunately, it’s upside down.
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