by M. Garzon
“Oh, right. You know, I always thought Jaden was kind of intimidating until we went out for brunch,” she said thoughtfully, “but he’s really nice, isn’t he?”
I tried to shrug nonchalantly, but I felt my cheeks warming. Anyway, I couldn’t disagree, because it was the truth.
“Yes, he’s been really.... supportive since Blaze died.”
“And man, he’s good-looking! I didn’t think anyone who looked like that could be so nice, too. It’s not fair,” she went on animatedly.
“Um, yeah, I guess so,” I stammered. It was even more unfair when that person is your cousin.
Teri looked at me curiously.
“Hey, let’s canter,” I suggested brightly, “the footing’s good here, not too muddy.”
“Hold on a minute.” She looked at me, frowning slightly. “What’s up with you?”
I leaned forward and played with Schweppes’ white-blond mane, carefully keeping my eyes down.
“Nothing,” I said lightly.
Teri had been my best friend for seven years. She knew me well, and she was very perceptive. I scrambled to change the subject, but before I could speak she asked, “Is it about Jaden?”
“Is what about him?”
“Why can’t you look at me?”
I looked at her, frowning.
“Oh my God! You like him, don’t you?”
“Of course I like him, he’s my cousin,” I retorted, flushing.
“Come on, Téa! It’s me — why didn’t you tell me?”
I scrutinized her face. There was no judgment there, only a slight smile. Her light green eyes were bright with curiosity.
I sighed. “It’s just so embarrassing, you know? Don’t you think it’s weird, that I’m crushing on my cousin?”
“I have news for you, Téa, I think the whole barn’s crushing on your cousin.” She giggled. “Why should you be any different? Anyway, like you said, you’re not really related.”
I felt myself getting lighter and lighter, as though I was inflating with happiness. Teri didn’t think I was some twisted, weird sicko. The relief was intense.
“So when did you know? And what are you going to do about it?” she questioned excitedly.
“It’s been creeping up on me for a while now, but I think I was in denial.” I grimaced. “And I’m not doing anything about it. To tell you the truth, I’m pretty sure he thinks of me as a kid. And an irresponsible one, at that — I mean, look at all the trouble I’ve gotten into this year.”
She nodded, looking pensive. We got to a stream and let our horses splash their way across.
“You know, you may have gotten in a lot of trouble this year, but Jaden’s actually helped you out of it a few times, hasn’t he?” she said suddenly.
“I guess so. Except for the track,” I said thoughtfully, seeing where she was headed.
“But you said he felt really bad about that.”
“Yes, so maybe all the subsequent help was just prompted by guilt. Maybe he was just atoning for the racetrack blunder.”
“Well then, maybe you just need to let him atone some more,” she countered.
We looked at each other suddenly and giggled. It seemed so normal now, like all the other times we had discussed whether a boy liked us.
We enjoyed our hack, and so did Schweppes and Picasso. We were walking them home when Teri brought up Jaden again.
“You think that he sees you as a kid, right?” she asked.
“Uh-huh.”
“So if we could get him to see you differently,” she said, “then you could find out how he feels about you.”
“I’m with you in theory, but how do I do that?”
Teri eyed me critically.
“To be honest, you do look young — it’s not just you,” she added quickly as I made a face. “I have the same problem, it’s because we’re short.” She made it sound like a dirty word, and I snickered. “But also... well, you never wear any makeup. Not that you need it — but it’ll make you look older. And you don’t dress up much, either. You know what you need?” she exclaimed, practically bouncing in her saddle, “A makeover!”
We locked eyes, grinning, and spoke simultaneously. “Julia!”
Back at the barn, we sent Julia a text message, not mentioning Jaden by name, and asked if she could help with the makeover project. By that point I was fairly enthusiastic about the whole idea. Within a few hours I had gone from shame and discomfort about my hidden feelings, to — well, not exactly joy, since I was still conflicted — but tentative hope.
Julia called that night and was, predictably, thrilled at the thought of orchestrating my makeover. She was also burning with curiosity about my mysterious crush, but I refused to give her any clues over the phone. I was a bit nervous about telling her — sure, Teri had taken the news in stride, but then Teri was a very accepting person.
As I hung up the phone in the kitchen it occurred to me that I hadn’t even spoken to Seth about my feelings. I thought that was a bit odd, but reflected that maybe some things are easier to share with a girlfriend than with your brother, no matter how close you are to him. I decided to give him a heads-up, though, before this makeover scheme made him curious. I wandered into the living room where Seth was sprawled on the couch, his long legs crossed at the ankle, watching TV.
“Hey, d’you have a minute?” My voice sounded unnatural in my ears.
“Sure.”
He heaved himself off the couch and followed me to my room, where he flopped on the bed. I started pacing, not sure where to begin.
“Dude, what’s up? Why the caged animal routine?” He was watching me curiously.
I sat next to him. “Look, I have to tell you something, and it’s a bit... well, don’t freak out, okay?”
He nodded.
“I’m interested in someone,” I started hesitantly. Seth’s expression brightened. “But I’m not sure how he feels about me. And he’s a bit older-”
“How much older?” he interrupted.
“Almost six years.”
“That’s not too bad,” he said encouragingly. Then, as an afterthought, he added, “Do I know him?”
“Yes,” I almost whispered, gazing at the floorboards. “You know him very well.”
“Aaand...”
I swallowed. Why was this so hard? Seth was the one person I was closest to on the entire planet. He knew everything about me.
“C’mon, Sis, the suspense is killing me here,” he joked.
I looked at him anxiously, wanting to gauge his reaction.
“It’s Jaden,” I said quietly.
Seth’s eyes flew wide. He looked dumbfounded. I waited nervously for him to say something; the seconds ticked by.
“Jaden, our cousin?” he specified finally, as though hoping I might have a spare, unrelated one tucked away somewhere.
“Yes.”
Seth dropped his face into his hands.
“Just say it, Seth — tell me what you’re thinking, no matter how bad it is,” I urged.
He looked up. “What I’m thinking is that you’re nuts.”
I looked away from him. The happy bubble inside me burst, leaving a dull heaviness in its place. I must have known, subconsciously, that Seth would react this way because there was no surprise mingled with the weight.
“Aw, come on, T, don’t look like that,” he pleaded. “You know I want you to be happy. If it was any other guy, I’d say go for it. But Jaden? Think of what’s at stake here. D’you want Dec to be sorry he kept us?”
I understood what Seth meant. For a time, after our mom died, we had felt insecure about our living arrangements. It wasn’t rational, really — Dec had never given any indication that he didn’t want us — but we lived with a feeling of doubt until Seth confided in Gran one day. She reassured us that there was no question of our leaving, and when Dec found out he said the same. His grief at my mother’s death was intense, and he hadn’t noticed our preoccupation the way Gran did. Seth and I were vastl
y relieved, and we remained grateful that our ‘Foster family’, as we jokingly called it, had embraced us so completely... so it would be the height of ingratitude to cause dissension in that family. I understood Seth’s feelings and even shared them. Sitting here in my bedroom, I could try to pretend that what I felt for Jaden wasn’t that strong, but I knew the minute I saw him again, all those carefully constructed arguments would melt in the heat of his presence.
“So you think I should just ignore it and hope it goes away?” I asked.
“Sure, why not?” He shrugged. “It happens all the time.”
“To you.”
“What are you saying, that what you feel for him is... serious?”
“Honestly, Seth,” I said with a touch of impatience, “do you think I would even bring it up if it weren’t serious? This is no passing crush, it’s, well, it’s deeper than that.” I felt my face coloring as I tripped over the end of my sentence.
“Come on, T, how many people have serious relationships at seventeen? I mean relationships that last?” He was speaking quickly now, trying to persuade me. “Even if things were all right while you guys went out, think of what would happen when you broke up. What if you hated each other?”
“That wouldn’t happen,” I protested. “I can’t imagine ever hating him.”
“It’s a pretty common occurrence. And you’re both intense people — look at the spats you’ve gotten into already when there’s nothing at stake.”
I fell silent, thinking. Seth was giving voice to all the doubts and misgivings I’d been struggling with since acknowledging my feelings for Jaden. And moreover, he was right. What was I doing? I couldn’t risk the family harmony of my entire extended clan just to gratify my own desires; that would be appallingly selfish. And I couldn’t risk alienating them, they were the only family — and only home — that I had. I turned the question over in my mind, but no matter what angle I viewed it from, the answer remained the same. My only option was to learn to suppress my feelings.
I looked into my brother’s clear blue eyes, and the love and concern in them only strengthened my resolve. I couldn’t do anything that Seth was so opposed to.
“You’re right,” I conceded, my voice hushed. “It’s too big of a risk.”
He looked enormously relieved. “So you’ll try to get over it?”
I nodded glumly.
“And you haven’t said anything to him, or dropped any hints?” he pressed.
“No, nothing. In any case, I suspect he only thinks of me as his bratty little cousin, so you have nothing to worry about.”
“Thanks, Téa,” he breathed sincerely. “And hey, cheer up. If you want, I’ll set you up with some of my buddies. And don’t forget Kabir’s standing offer of matrimony.”
He put his arm around me, and I gave him a small smile in response. I figured I’d better get used to acting.
Julia and Teri were brimming with enthusiasm the next day. We climbed up to the hayloft, one of our favorite hangouts — it was a secluded, fragrant place to sit and talk. They both curled up on haybales, but I was too wired to sit; I paced back and forth in front of them.
“Okay, here’s the thing,” I began, looking only at Teri. “Remember what I told you yesterday? Well, it can’t happen. Just forget I ever said anything.”
“Why?” Teri asked with a frown, just as Julia piped up, “Come on, that’s not fair, at least tell me what it is that’s not happening anymore.”
I sighed and went to sit between them.
“Jules, I’m going to tell you something in confidence, and you’re going to do your best to forget it as soon as you hear it, okay?”
She nodded, obviously curious.
“Like I told you, I was crushing on somebody. But after thinking it through, and talking to Seth, I’ve decided it would be insane to act on it. So I won’t be needing a makeover anymore, I guess.”
“Oh no you don’t — you’re not getting out of your makeover that easy.” Julia laughed. “But come on, spill. What’s the big deal with the crush?”
“It’s a big deal because the object is Jaden,” I admitted.
Julia’s perfect mouth formed a round ‘O’ of surprise. “Ouch, that is a dilemma,” she finally said.
We rehashed my decision to ignore my feelings. They understood, though neither of them seemed to think my crush was as calamitous as Seth had. Maybe, in similar circumstances, their families would have been more accepting. It was hard to tell since they weren’t faced with my situation.
“You know, this is actually the perfect time for you to have a makeover,” Julia told me thoughtfully. “It will be a distraction, plus, looking good will make you feel better. And you’ll attract so many boys that before you know it you’ll be saying, ‘Jaden who?’” I had to smile at her enthusiasm, though somehow I doubted I’d ever be saying that.
We made plans to go shopping so that I could update my wardrobe. And accessories, since apparently, those were important.
“I don’t want to see you wearing any more of Seth’s T-shirts,” Julia told me severely. “And work on evening out your tan, will you? That farmer tan will not work with the outfits you’ll be wearing.”
“How am I supposed to do that? I don’t exactly have a ton of free time, Jules.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “You work outside, T. Just teach some lessons in a bikini top.”
“I can try,” I said skeptically. I didn’t think it would go over too well with Dec, though. Teri was excited about the makeover too, and I started to get interested despite myself. It was a good distraction — and if I was being honest, I did want Jaden to find me attractive, even if I could never, ever admit my feelings to him.
Nine
Jaden showed up for lunch on Tuesday, and the plan was for me to accompany him to the polo club that afternoon so I could have my first lesson. There was just one slight obstacle that I hadn’t foreseen.
“Hold on a second here.” Dec frowned when Jaden and I started making plans. “Téa, you’re grounded, remember?”
I looked at him in alarm. “Yes, but I’m supposed to be training Schweppes. I can’t do that if I don’t know how to play the game.”
“You’ll just have to do what you can from here because you’re not leaving the property.” He was impassive, and I felt my chin set stubbornly. This was ridiculous.
“Dec, be reasonable,” I began heatedly. I felt someone nudge me under the table; when I looked round Jaden gave a tiny shake of his head. I locked eyes with him for a second, debating whether to argue, but as his gaze held mine my breath caught and my stomach jumped. I looked away quickly, completely distracted.
After we cleared the dishes Jaden gestured for me to get out of the kitchen. I grabbed Seth and we made our way down to the barn. Jaden sauntered in ten minutes later, looking smug.
“Okay, we’re cleared for take-off. You can go to the club, as long as you’re with me and we keep the time to a reasonable minimum.”
“And you have to ensure that I don’t have any fun, I suppose?” I asked him, grinning.
The ride to the club went quickly as we caught up on news. The trail opened onto the back of the polo grounds, which were fantastic: a huge expanse of perfectly mowed emerald grass, stabling for eighty horses, and turnout paddocks. I’d spent most of my previous visit in one large barn. Now I saw that most of the stabling consisted of smaller, three-season barns, basically groups of roofed stalls without outer walls, because polo ponies were either turned out or playing in warmer climates during the winter. José set me up with a blue roan mare called Maya. I was riding one of the club’s horses so I wouldn’t have to worry about scaring Schweppes while I learned.
Jaden started off showing me the basics: how to hold the mallet and the double sets of reins, and the more common swings. I tried hard to focus only on what he was teaching me and not pay attention to the other details trying to impinge themselves on my consciousness, like how perfect his face looked behind the dark sunglasse
s, how powerfully graceful his movements were, or how sexy I found it when his arm muscles jumped as he moved.
When he was done demonstrating, Jaden threw down a white ball. It was about three and a half inches in diameter — not very big when you considered it was usually hit at a gallop. In other words, at about thirty-five miles an hour.
“Try hitting it using a half-swing,” he instructed.
I walked Maya toward the ball, trying to time my swing so I’d hit the ball when it was level with my stirrup. It was a lot harder than it looked. I practiced the different swings; the one I had the most trouble with was the full swing, where your arm arcs around in almost a full circle before striking the ball. It’s an important shot in polo, and the one that delivers the most power, but I just couldn’t seem to get it right.
“Do you want to take a break and rest your arm?” Jaden asked after we’d been working at it for a while.
“No, I want to learn this shot,” I said. I was frustrated at my lack of success, and as usual, my frustration was making me stubborn. I tried again. And again, I barely clipped the ball.
Jaden rode over and held out his hand. “Give me your mallet, Téa,” he said firmly.
I handed it over with a questioning look.
“I can see your arm shaking,” he explained. “You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep pushing now.”
We walked our horses side by side around the field, while I massaged my forearm and flexed my fingers. I had to admit, they were sore. It was a perfect spring day, sunny and a little breezy, and I began to relax and enjoy my surroundings. Especially one aspect of my surroundings.
“How is Schweppes coming along in the barn?” Jaden asked.
He rode closer to me as I answered, until our lower legs were pressed together. I tried to tune out the fact that his leg was rubbing against mine while I answered, but the feeling was starting to distract me. He seemed completely unaware of our physical contact — how could he not notice, I wondered. It felt so good to me, dangerously good... it was probably fortunate that he didn’t enjoy it the same way I did. Probably.