by M. Garzon
“You don’t think Dec would mind?” Julia asked doubtfully.
“Oh yes, I’ll be just as dead,” I admitted cheerfully. “You should have seen him when I got my ears pierced, he was apoplectic. I had to hide out for a while, even with the unassailably logical argument I had.”
Teri was chortling; she remembered this story.
“Téa wanted to get her ears pierced,” she explained to Julia, “and Dec said yes. So she came home with a nice earring in her right earlobe — and three in her left.”
“You’re awful,” Julia giggled.
I caught a glimpse of Jaden; his expression was enigmatic. I turned away quickly, breathing slowly to control the jabs.
I was in the feedroom that evening when I heard him behind me. His quiet tread brought him close — too close, when I turned I felt the wall against my back. My heart flailed in protest at his nearness. Jaden’s expression was carefully controlled as he trapped me with his gaze.
“Tell me you’re not putting a needle through that face,” he exhorted.
I was struggling to keep my face smooth, not to betray the pain in my chest. It made me defensive.
“Why do you care? You won’t be seeing it,” I muttered callously.
The hurt in his eyes made me regret my words instantly, but before I could open my mouth to make amends, his expression hardened.
“Have you thought about what I asked you?”
I swallowed. I didn’t know what to tell him; it seemed like either choice would leave my heart in tatters.
“I — I think you should do whatever’s easiest for you.” My voice was thick with suppressed emotion.
He grimaced. “I want to know what you want,” he insisted. He leaned forward in his intensity, planting one hand on the wall by my head. His nearness was overwhelming; his scent and the heat from his body were too much for me. I began to tremble. I wanted to fling my arms around him and beg him not to leave... but instead, I just told him the truth. I selfishly forgot about my obligations to my family, about the risks we would take. My heart was hurting me so much that, finally, its call was the only one I heeded.
“You know what I want.” My voice was raw with pain.
“Téa... we can’t. You know we can’t,” he groaned. His face twisted with grief, his eyes pleading for understanding. I felt my own overflow with silent tears.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart, please...”
My eyes were locked on his face; I read his intention even before he began to close the distance between us. My stomach flipped right over.
“Don’t,” I choked. If he kissed me now my fragile heart would splinter into a thousand piercing shards. Of that I was sure. He stopped, his lips an inch away from mine, and questioned my certainty with his eyes.
“Please don’t,” I breathed.
His face closed off, and he withdrew suddenly and loped away, fists clenched at his sides. I sagged against the wall and slid down to the ground, my tears accompanied by sobs now. How had things grown into such an impossible mess? I’d managed to hurt him again, despite my best intentions.
Half an hour later I shuffled into the tackroom, where Julia, Teri, and Kabir were hanging out with Seth. I had tried to pull myself together but apparently, I hadn’t done a very convincing job because I drew looks of concern as I slumped down on a bench.
“What’s wrong, hon?” Teri came and sat by me.
I shrugged one shoulder. “Nothing.” Nothing new, at any rate.
“Jaden again?” Julia guessed sympathetically.
I nodded listlessly. “We had a... a talk.”
Kabir frowned. “Is he being a jerk to you, T?”
I looked at him in surprise. “No, not at all.”
“Then why does he keep making you cry?” he insisted. “Is it just that he’s saying no to you? Because he doesn’t feel the way you do?”
“It’s not that,” I shook my head. “He... he does feel the same way.” My voice was hushed, my eyes on the floor. I heard several gasps, so I assumed my friends had heard.
“He what? Why didn’t you tell us? What are you going to do?” Their startled questions bounced around the tackroom.
“He’s... attracted, but he feels the way we did at first, Seth.” I looked at my brother as I spoke. “That it would be weird. And wrong. And upset the family. And he’s probably right, and I’m an awful person for not even caring.” I dropped my face into my hands, and Teri patted my back comfortingly.
Julia came and sat by my other side.
“You don’t think he’ll reconsider?” she asked gently.
I shook my head. “He told me to go date a boy my own age. And he’s going to move his horses out soon; I’ve literally driven him away. Dec’s going to flip, he was thrilled to have Jaden here.”
“That doesn’t sound like a very bright move.” Seth frowned. “He’s still working at the polo club, right? And he’s building the fencing, he wouldn’t bail on Dec in the middle of that.”
“I guess he wants to minimize his time here,” I mumbled. I felt another spasm in my chest.
“Of course he does,” Julia said thoughtfully, “because it’s difficult for him to be around you now. Just like it’s hard for you to be around him... he really does have feelings for you.”
I recognized the scheming look on her face; it had gotten us into trouble more than once.
“No, Julia. Whatever you’re planning, I’m not doing it.”
“Why? Don’t you even want to try to change his mind?” she asked innocently.
“No, I don’t. He doesn’t want me, and I’m going to respect his wishes. I don’t want to play any games,” I told her impatiently.
“But that’s not exactly right, is it?” Teri said. “He does want you, he’s just scared. Same as you were. But you came around, and so did Seth. Maybe with time, he’ll come around too.”
“Time, or the right incentive.” Julia grinned. “Which brings us back to my proposal.” Everyone looked at her, waiting. I groaned and dropped my head into my hands again.
“If he wants you to date a boy your own age, then I think you should do just that,” Julia began.
I looked up in confusion. “Jules, I have zero interest in dating right now. Less than zero.”
“Well, you don’t actually have to date anyone. Just make it seem like you are. Once Jaden sees you with someone else, maybe he’ll realize it’s not what he really wants.”
“So, in a nutshell, try to make him jealous,” I said in a flat voice.
Julia nodded.
“No way,” I said emphatically. “I’m not doing that, it would be... mean.”
“Why, hasn’t he been dating all this time?” Kabir demanded.
I flinched as I thought about the night of Piba’s colic. “Maybe,” I conceded.
“And do you remember how you felt when he was making out with his ex right in front of you?” Teri added.
“Yes, I do. And I don’t want to hurt him like that,” I said miserably.
Seth snorted. “He’s hurting himself; he’s being an idiot. I mean, look at the two of you — you’re both miserable. Dec knows something’s going on, which makes him suspicious, which makes it a lot harder for me to get away with anything. Does Jaden not care what this is doing to me? That’s just plain selfish.”
I smiled a little in spite of myself. “Look, guys, I really appreciate what you’re trying to do... but the only thing I’m going to do now is try to get over him.”
Kabir got up and stretched. “Well, if you change your mind, you know who to call if you need a volunteer.” He winked at me. He went home, and Julia and Teri left soon after.
Seth slung his arm around my shoulders as we walked to the house. “You’re being very mature about all this, T. Way more mature than I would be.” He laughed.
I didn’t answer, but I didn’t think my behavior was the result of maturity. It was the result of love.
Fourteen
We played club chukkers the next day. Jaden and I had an aw
kward, quiet ride to the club, but practice went well. It was another hot day, so when the game was over I decided to give Schweppes a quick shower.
A girl I didn’t recognize wandered past as I was scraping the excess water off Schweppes. A groupie, by the looks of her — too manicured for a player or groom. I glimpsed long, light brown hair and pretty blue eyes as she scanned the stable area.
“Hey, isn’t that the girl Jaden hooked up with at the party?” Sharleen’s voice floated out of the barn.
“Yeah, looks like,” Jennalyn’s voice answered cheerfully.
“What I wouldn’t give to be in her shoes,” Sharleen sighed wistfully.
My stomach plunged past my knees. My heart started pounding painfully, but I couldn’t hear it over the roaring in my ears. I bent forward, trying to get the blood back to my head, and leaned against Schweppes for support. I tried to take deep breaths but I couldn’t seem to control my panting.
After a few minutes I was able to straighten up, though I was still shaky. Schweppes turned his head to look at me inquiringly.
“I’m okay,” I whispered to him. It was a lie, though. I looked around, but I didn’t see the girl. I set off with Schweppes to find her, although I was far from sure that I wanted to. I didn’t have to go far; as I came around the corner of the barn I saw her standing with a group of people. She was next to Jaden. I walked forward woodenly until I was right behind them. Mateo spotted me.
“Hola, chiquita,” he said. “Are you ready for the barbecue?”
I carefully kept my eyes on Mateo’s face.
“Actually, I’m going to head home. I, um, have a headache,” I told him haltingly.
“Are you okay?” Jaden sounded concerned, and I allowed myself to look at him, finally. The stab of pain that went through me almost made me gasp aloud.
“Yes, fine,” I said faintly. “Nothing an aspirin won’t cure.” My eyes flickered over to the girl, who was smiling. She was beautiful, of course, but she didn’t look at me. Her eyes were on Jaden.
“I’ll come with you,” Jaden was saying. “You shouldn’t-”
“No!” It came out sharper than I’d intended; surprise crossed his face. “I’m okay, really. I’m just going to ride home slowly and lie down. You stay. Have... have fun.” My sentence ended almost in a whisper, and I stumbled away, my arm around Schweppes’ neck for comfort.
I did ride slowly, but I couldn’t keep my mind from racing. It seemed that Kabir was right. Jaden had been dating, after all. Apparently, just because he was — or claimed to be — attracted to me, didn’t mean he wasn’t still interested in others. Every thought lanced through me, sharp and white-hot. Sharleen had said they’d hooked up at the party. She had to mean the party after the last big match. Was that why he hadn’t wanted me there? Maybe he’d had plans to see the girl all along. That thought brought the first embers of anger glowing to life within me; I encouraged them, fanning them with more thoughts of Jaden’s possible duplicity. It felt better to be mad than so utterly, horribly empty.
The evening was awful. I used my headache excuse to get out of eating dinner, but then I had to stay in my room, and I was too wound up for such a small space. I paced the three strides back and forth along its length over and over. I reminded myself several times that I had absolutely no right to feel angry or jealous, but, though my brain believed me, my heart wasn’t buying it. I was inordinately relieved to hear Jaden come home at our usual time — he hadn’t gone anywhere with her, then. But when I heard his footsteps on the stairs, I panicked; what if he came to check on me? I slapped the light switch off and dove into bed fully dressed, pulling the covers up over my head. Sure enough, a quiet knock sounded on my door a moment later. I ignored it and heard Jaden’s footsteps recede down the hall to the guestroom. I flung the covers off angrily; it felt childish and pathetic to be hiding like this.
The next morning I didn’t go outside until the last minute, knowing that Jaden would have to be at the club. I had barely slept, so I had a rough morning, but I made a decision — I wasn’t going to play in the club chukkers that afternoon. I felt slightly less pathetic after I’d called the club and told them I wouldn’t be there. It seemed I’d finally gotten the incentive I needed to distance myself from Jaden.
He showed up for lunch, and other than asking me how I was feeling, we didn’t exchange a word, though I could feel him shooting glances my way. I volunteered to do the dishes; Dec and Seth headed out.
“I’ll help you,” Jaden sighed, “otherwise we’ll be late.”
I turned to face him.
“Actually, I’m not going today.” I was impressed with how steady my voice was.
His eyebrows rose in surprise. “Why? Are you still not feeling well?”
“I feel fine,” I said coldly. “I just have other plans. There’s more to my life than you and polo, you know.”
A shadow of pain crossed his face, and I felt an answering ache deep within me. Then he nodded slowly.
“Good,” he said quietly. He turned and left before my tears spilled.
* * *
Jaden didn’t come home that night.
I tried not to jump to the conclusion that he’d gone out with the blue-eyed girl, but it was hard. I felt absolutely wretched, I couldn’t even put a name to the bitter emotions that washed over me. Every second seemed to last an hour as I tried frantically not to think of him. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and called Teri.
“Hey. Were you sleeping?” I belatedly realized that I’d forgotten to check the time. It was almost midnight and Teri was usually up at four-thirty to go work at the track.
“Kind of,” she yawned, “but it’s okay, I’ve got tomorrow off. What’s up?”
My pain poured out in a torrent. Teri listened quietly, offering the occasional murmured word of sympathy.
“Why don’t we go out for breakfast tomorrow?” she suggested. “That way we can talk without worrying about being overheard. I’ll send Julia a text, too.”
“I’ll do it, Ter, you go back to bed. And thanks for not telling me to shut up and let you sleep.”
After I texted Julia I went to bed and lay awake for another hour before falling into an uneasy sleep. I dreamt of Jaden, and woke up with tears on my cheeks. It was still early, but I got up and showered.
Julia actually made it down for breakfast, to our shock — she wasn’t a morning person. Seth and Kabir came too, and my spirits lifted marginally at my friends’ show of support. I told them the story of the blue-eyed girl, and how wounded I felt, and how Jaden couldn’t be very interested in me, after all. Which, I pointed out, was a good thing — it should make it easier for me to disregard him until he was gone. The searing pain in my heart seemed to disagree, but I ignored it.
The first thing I noticed when we got home was Jaden’s car. My pulse immediately stepped up its pace. He came down the steps of the house as Seth and I got out of the car, and my heart hammered even harder as he stopped in front of us.
“Hi,” he said carefully. He looked tired. As though he hadn’t gotten much sleep, I thought bitterly.
“Hey dude,” Seth replied. “Off to the club?”
“No, I’m working on the pasture today,” Jaden told him. He glanced at me before striding away. It was a look of pity.
That was what pushed me over the edge. I could take being rejected, but I’d be damned if I was going to be the object of anyone’s pity. Especially Jaden’s.
“Kabir!” I marched over as he got out of his car. “I’m going to need you to kiss me.”
* * *
We spent considerable time planning and decided that the barn wall, facing the main riding ring, would be the most conspicuous. Jaden usually walked around the far side of the ring on his way to the house for lunch.
Kabir thought I should stand against the wall, but the others overrode him, not only because I had to be visible — and Kabir was big — but because I could more clearly demonstrate my willing participation in the kiss by l
eaning into him, rather than the other way around.
“Should we practice a bit first?” Kabir suggested jokingly once we were outside. At least, I hoped he was joking.
I gave him my most serious ‘be serious’ look. “I don’t think that will be necessary.”
“Sorry,” he said quietly. “I know this isn’t exactly fun for you. It’s not quite how I’ve imagined kissing you, either.”
I frowned. He had imagined kissing me?
“Kabir... are you sure you’re okay with this? I mean, you do realize that I’m basically using your body, right?”
“You think I mind you using my body?” He gave a comical leer. “Please, Téa, help yourself.” Then he grinned at me, his normal, friendly grin, and I relaxed somewhat. Kabir was an old friend, and I trusted him.
We got into position. He leaned back against the wall and I faced him uncertainly. His big arms closed around me, but he was tentative, barely touching me.
“You feel even smaller than you look,” he murmured. “I’m almost afraid to break you.”
I couldn’t help flashing him a quick smile, despite my pounding heart, because I had just been thinking the opposite. He was much bigger up close, at least twice as broad as me. I felt completely engulfed by his embrace.
“Try to relax,” he suggested, “you’re as stiff as a board.”
He was right; even my face felt stiff.
“I don’t think I can,” I whispered. Now that I was actually doing it, I was liking this idea less and less, and I wasn’t sure why.
“Come here,” he said, guiding my head onto his burly shoulder.
He patted my back with one hand. I closed my eyes and sighed as I realized why I was so uncomfortable — I felt like I was cheating. On Jaden. Which was obviously ridiculous, since he didn’t want to be with me, and never would. If Jaden had his way, my life would be spent doing this... kissing someone other than him. My resolve strengthened. I put my arms around Kabir’s neck.
“He’s coming,” he whispered, looking over my shoulder. He glanced down at me, his dark brown eyes uncertain. “You want me to take the initiative?”
I nodded slightly; my mouth was dry. Kabir looked nervous too, but he bent his head and lightly touched his lips to mine. I didn’t move.