"She's right. If you keep clinging to the idea of Mayson, you're not going to move on."
"I didn't know I was clinging." Elise gave me a skeptical look. "Seriously!" I said with a defensive chuckle. She knew me too well, and I wonder who I was really trying to convince--Elise or myself.
Two hours later, I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building. It's a small two story on a quiet suburban street. As I approached the building, the smell of take-out curry invaded my senses. I climbed the wooden stairs to my back door and let myself into my two bedroom apartment.
The bookcase in the corner of my guest room called to me, and I found myself hovering on my knees, still in my satin dress, looking for something that I had not seen in over a year. My journal.
I tore off my stilettos and sat down next to the shelf lined with several notebooks, teaching binders, and contemporary romance novels. Hidden all the way at the edge, tucked between two very large dictionaries, was my journal. It's a simple leather bound book, the spine covered in dust. In a way, I was proud of the dusty film that lined the book. It showed just how long it'd been since I'd written about him, about us.
I paged through the book, my heart thumping in my chest as I was brought back to him, to Mayson Holt, the boy who stole my heart, broke it, and disappeared from my life five years ago. The man whom, up until tonight, I didn't allow myself to think about. The man who still owned a very large piece of my soul.
The final entry caught my attention as the pain of that memory rushed back to me. When I sat alone, sobbing in my apartment, three and a half years after we last saw each another. Tears spilled from my eyes as I was brought back to that moment, the moment I hit my breaking point. The moment I had to stop thinking about him.
"It's time to let go, Daphne. You have to let go," I said to myself, tears streaming down my cheeks. I picked up my journal, walked down to the dumpster behind my building, and tossed it in. It took every single ounce of strength in me to walk back into my apartment without retrieving that book. But somehow I managed to do it without looking back. Maybe I was ready...for real this time.
#
Chapter 2
Toast
"Do I look alright?" Elise's hands were shaking. Her eyes were glazed over and her palms were sweating. Gently taking her hands in mine, I looked her square in the eyes.
"You're stunning. Now, take a deep breath."
Elise took in a breath and let out an enormous sigh. The color started to come back to her cheeks.
"You are marrying the man of your dreams. Henry is wonderful, and today you get to start your future together. All of your planning, all of your hard work, it all culminates today. You've worked so hard and now you get to enjoy it! Be sure to breathe and take it all in, okay?"
"Okay, I think I can do that. Thanks, Daph. I couldn't do this without you. Seriously."
I smiled at my best friend and brushed the veil from her shoulders. Elise's deep brown hair flowed down her back and her blue eyes glistened as she fought back the tears that were battling to spring from her eyes. She was so beautiful, and such a sight to behold. She nodded her head decisively as she looked toward the door. Lifting up her bulky gown, she was ready to walk to the chapel.
"Let's do this thing!"
As I watched Elise glide down the aisle towards the man she loved, I was amazed over how anyone could be so confident in making such a life-altering decision. It wasn't that I didn't believe in true love, but how did you know when someone truly was "the one?" Could you ever really know?
For myself, a decision like that seemed to be so far in my future. And that was making it really hard to conceive as I watched my best friend. Almost like a nine-year-old wondering when she'd ever have her first boyfriend or her first kiss. Sometimes when something seemed so far off in the future, it was hard to imagine it would ever take place. But it did eventually happen. The thought of being the one in the gown made my belly stir with anxiety.
Is the right guy out there for me? And why the hell haven't I found him yet?
Henry stared at Elise with such appreciation as she walked down the aisle. I was captivated by his expression, his obvious adoration for her. I glanced at Elise once again, hoping that she'd notice her husband-to-be and his obvious adulation. The exact same expression was spread across her gorgeous face. And that's when I knew. This was what love should look like, feel like. I watched them in awe throughout the ceremony as they said their vows and appeared exuberant as they were pronounced husband and wife.
Two hours later, after some quality time with the photographer and plenty of cocktails, the other members of the wedding party and I made our way to our seats at the head table. Sitting down, I quickly checked my handbag to make sure I'd packed the note cards with my Maid of Honor speech written on them. That was the one thing I'd forgotten to check before leaving my apartment. As my hand reached in the tiny purse, I felt the thick card stock and was able to relax. Public speaking wasn't terribly difficult for me because it was part of my job description as a teacher. But my desire to make Elise proud was making my palms sweat. She had always been so good to me, and I was determined to honor our friendship with my words.
As I listened to Michael, the best man, give his speech, I tried really hard not to focus on the fact that I was next. Instead, I searched the room, looking for a friendly face to focus on. Elise's mom was crying tears of joy as she clenched her husband's hand. How sweet. I could only hope that my wedding would someday have the same effect on my own mother. By the time I finished observing Elise's mom, Michael was handing the microphone to me as the room filled with the sound of applause. I smiled awkwardly and took the microphone from the best man who wiped his brow with a handkerchief. I took a deep breath, grabbed my index cards, and tried my best to stand tall.
"Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen," I began, my heart thumping. "I am honored to be here tonight to welcome Henry into my family. No, Elise is not my sister by blood. But, over the last twenty years she has become a sister to me in all the ways that matter." Elise's eyes were already welling up with tears. I was growing more confident by the second.
I paused, remembering my public speaking professor from college. He always said that you must scan a room in order to really connect with your audience. So I decided to do just that. I turned to face the left side of the banquet hall, smiled confidently and continued. "After all, sometimes it's the family you choose who end up meaning the most to you, and I can truly say that about Elise. We first became friends when I was a frizzy haired redhead getting teased on the playground by a much older bully. But, then this scrappy little brunette came out of nowhere and defended me. She chased that boy off in an instant and we were inseparable every moment after that. We've seen each other through so many things--terrible teachers, awful break-ups, and catty sorority girls who tried to make our lives miserable. It would take me hours to explain just how much she means to me. She is a treasure, an absolute treasure of a woman."
Elise was sobbing next to me, and I lifted my eyes from my index cards to follow my professor's instructions.
As my eyes made their way to the center of the room, I found myself looking at the wedding guests. Some of them looked distracted or bored out of their minds while others listened intently to my words. Some drank from their wine glasses, and one answered his cell phone.
"So, Henry, I want to congratulate you on being the luckiest guy in the room. You've been fortunate enough to find an extremely beautiful treasure and I hope that you will be so--"
Oh my god. I could not believe my eyes. How could I not have noticed this earlier? Mayson. He was here! He was sitting in the far right corner of the room, almost near the exit, staring at me with a coy smile as he ran his fingers through his hair. Suddenly, I realized that I was still holding the microphone and I needed to finish this speech with some amount of grace and dignity. I couldn't let everyone in the room know my stomach was doing gigantic flip-flops. Fumbling with my cards, I did my best to refoc
us my attention the best I could.
"I hope that you will be so happy with the wonder that is my friend, Elise. And Mayson--" Elise gasped at my side as I accidentally said the name of my ex-boyfriend. He'd invaded my subconscious! My cheeks turned crimson and my heart raced so fast I could hardly breathe. I looked down at my cards, desperate for them to pull me out of this disaster of a speech. "I mean, um, Henry, I can see how happy you make my lovely friend. You light up her life and you represent her happily ever after. She will always be my sister, and so, Henry, I want to welcome you to my family as my new brother. I know that the two of you will share nothing but happiness in the many years to come." I managed to fake a large smile as Henry grinned at me. I had to finish on a strong note. I refused to let Elise down. "Congratulations to the beautiful couple. And here's to your happily ever after. Cheers!"
The crowd erupted in applause. Elise rose out of her seat and wrapped her arms around my shaking shoulders, wiping tears from her eyes with her silk handkerchief. I somehow managed to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes as I held my friend tightly, dreading the end of this meal.
The next twenty minutes went by in a complete blur. Somehow, I managed to force down a few bites of my dinner, although my stomach was in knots. I spent most of the meal staring off into space, not knowing how to react to the fact that Mayson was across the room while considering my next move. What would he do next? Would he leave the reception to avoid a confrontation with me? Would he ask me to dance? I couldn't handle thinking about it. I had to get away for a minute. So, as dinner was wrapping up, I excused myself to the ladies' room.
I walked across the ballroom, hoping no one would notice. But, one of the groomsmen walked towards me with a big smile on his face. He was very attractive: tall and thin with dark chestnut hair and a sexy goatee that framed his face beautifully...but I couldn't possibly focus on him right now.
"Hi, Daphne. That was a great speech." he said.
"Oh, thanks. It's Tanner, right?"
The second I questioned his name, I regretted it. Of course I knew his name! Mayson had me so frazzled I felt like someone else entirely--someone who was unable to form a coherent thought or remember the name of a man who had caught my attention just yesterday at the rehearsal dinner.
I'd noticed how his fingers rubbed against his chin when he concentrated on the Minister's directions the night before. He looked so serious, but with really kind eyes. I was drawn to those eyes.
"Yep, that's me." He looked a little disappointed that I stumbled on his name. "Listen, would you like to grab a drink? I was just headed to the bar." God, he was cute. But, I had to get out of the room. The air felt heavy, it was getting hard to breathe.
"Can I get a rain check?" I asked as casually as I could. "I'm headed to the ladies' room."
"Oh, of course. I'll look for you later." Tanner said, stepping aside so that I could continue on my way.
Damn you, Mayson. A cute groomsmen wants to get to know me, and I'm blowing him off because of you. Damn. You.
When I stepped inside the empty sitting area of the Ladies Room, Elise was waiting for me. Her hands were on her hips and her eyes looked pained.
Was she pissed at me for saying the wrong name?
"I'm sorry about the speech, I--"
"Oh, I don't care about that. But, where on earth did that come from? Your speech was going so well, and it was beautiful. But then you froze. You looked like you'd seen a ghost. And then you said his name." Elise said, as I slumped into a green suede armchair. She had no idea how right she actually was. I had seen a ghost...only one that was very much still alive, and messing up my night.
"Please don't worry about it. I'm fine. I just...I screwed up. But, it was nothing." I said with as much enthusiasm as I could possibly muster. But the cynical look in Elise's eyes told me she wasn't buying it.
"Now you listen to me, Daphne Harper. You're my best friend. And I can read you like a book. Something happened to you during that speech. You need to tell me what's going on. Why have you looked like a zombie ever since you sat back down?" She looked distraught. I had to tell her.
"But, it's your wedding day. And I don't want to spoil it."
"Tough. Now tell me...please." Elise crossed her arms in front of her, shaking her head from side to side. Silence hovered for a minute. Just as Elise's eyes widened in frustration, I held up my hands in surrender.
"Okay, fine. But remember you asked for this," I warned, giving her one final moment of pause, hoping she would change her mind and rejoin her party. She didn't budge.
"Mayson is here. I saw him during my speech. That's why his name flew out of my mouth."
"Mayson? You mean your boyfriend-from-college, Mayson? He's not here. That's impossible!"
"Um..yes. Why didn't you tell me you invited him? At least then, I could have been prepared."
"Because I didn't!" Elise looked horrified. "I would never do that to you! Ever!"
"Well, he's here."
"Are you sure it isn't just someone who resembles him?"
"Give me a little credit. I know what he looks like," I responded, tilting my head and placing my hands on my hips.
"Sorry, that was stupid of me." Elise paused with a pensive stare. "Maybe he's someone's date. We didn't get the names of people's plus-ones."
"Oh my God, I hadn't thought of that." He's here with someone. The bad somehow managed to get worse. I took a deep breath and looked my friend square in the eye.
"I'm going to stay here for a little while to pull myself together. But I will never forgive myself if I keep you from enjoying your reception. Please go, okay?" My voice was bordering on desperate. She nodded in understanding.
"Ok, but I promise I'll check in later. Remember, I'm here for you, wedding or no wedding."
"I know that."
"Are you sure I can't convince you to forget about Mayson and join me on the dance floor? We've been planning this night for the last fifteen months. I need my Maid of Honor with me so we can do it up right!" Her voice was gentle and optimistic. She didn't want me to feel pressured.
"I'll be out soon, I promise. I would never abandon you on your wedding day. I just need a couple of minutes to get my head on straight. Now get out there and find your husband," I said with a forced smile.
Elise kissed me quickly on my forehead, nodded with pursed lips, and walked out of the restroom.
I sank deeper and deeper into the soft upholstery of the armchair. My heart raced and my forehead started to sweat. What the hell was I going to do? I was trapped; trapped by Mayson's presence and my own insecurities. I couldn't leave the reception, and I sure as hell couldn't stay locked in the restroom like a coward. I quickly fixed my make-up and hair, took a very deep breath, and headed for the door. I was walking towards the bar when I heard my name.
"Daphne." I'd know that voice anywhere--husky and deep, with a Carolina drawl. My chest tightened with dread as I heard that voice. The voice I'd missed terribly, but scared me nonetheless. I was way too fragile when in his hands.
"Mayson?" I somehow rallied, trying my best to sound surprised instead of anxious, although I practically croaked out his name. I quickly cleared my throat and asked, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here with a friend."
"Oh." I paused.
A friend? That could mean just about anything. And I needed to know if my Mayson was now someone else's Mayson. It would impact the way that I approached this entire situation.
"Would you like to grab a drink?" he asked, smiling awkwardly, those gorgeous green eyes staring into mine.
"Sure...um, I was just headed to the bar," I said, my voice trembling. This was not good.
As we walked towards the bar, I saw Tanner standing with the other groomsmen. He raised his glass with an expectant smile and I remembered my promise of a drink. Damn it. There was no way I could balance Mayson and another incredibly cute guy right now. I was confused enough. Feeling awful, I turned away from
his gaze. As I focused my eyes back on Mayson, I could see Tanner's smile diminish out of the corner of my eye. Nice job, Daphne.
A few minutes later, I found myself sitting at a table near the dance floor. Mayson was seated beside me and I silently wondered where his date was. I was so shocked to see him during my speech that I didn't have time to notice her.
"Are you alright? You seem really preoccupied," Mayson said uneasily.
"Oh, I'm fine." I smile my voice shaking a bit. "I'm just surprised to see you here."
"Yeah, it is weird, isn't it?" He stopped and stared at the guests on the dance floor with a conflicted look on his face. He glanced towards me, smiled gently, and asked, "Would you like to dance?"
"Sure, that would be nice," I said with a twinge of hope. Were the gods trying to send me a message? Should I not have parted with my journal? Did I have to make the decision to forget him in order to fall in love with him all over again? As he reached for my hand and led me to the dance floor, my heart pounded frantically in my chest.
"I have a confession to make," Mayson said, looking sheepish as he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. "I knew you'd be here tonight. That's kinda the reason I'm here."
"Really?" I was genuinely shocked at this sudden admission. Could it be that Mayson had been thinking of me these past few years? Was it possible that I was not alone in clinging to our past? The thought seemed so impossible, yet here he was with me in his arms, slowly gliding me across the dance floor.
"Yes, of course. I know that you and Elise are best friends so I knew you'd be here. So when Daniela asked me to be her date, I said yes."
"Daniela?"
Of course! She was a college classmate who was also in Mayson's architecture program. She had even studied in France with him. Daniela was such a tomboy that I'd never thought of her as someone whom Mayson would date. I had completely forgotten that she was also a friend of Elise's from the dorms, and that she would be invited to the wedding. Things finally made sense.
"Yeah, we actually got a job in the same firm. It was all because of the year we spent in France. We presented our projects and were both hired. Small world, huh?"
Kiss Kiss Page 2