I swear, I think Lisa and I were switched at birth. She may very well be my mother’s real daughter. They both love to shop and to go Ooh! Isn’t that just dar-ling, to anything with rhinestones, fringe, sequins, or leopard print.
Last time we went shopping, they made me try on a dress that was a combination of hot pink and leopard.
I’m pretty positive I saw that once in the Fashion Don’ts that Katie is always reading.
I swear, they want me to look like a hooker.
I told Mom that.
And, evidently, that’s when she decided that she is very frustrated with me.
Dad told me this, and when I was like, I know the feeling, even he got testy with me.
After our last shopping trip, she told him she has given up. And that’s saying a lot, because this woman loves to shop.
Dad tried to intervene and asked me at dinner a couple nights ago, “JJ, have you seen any dresses you’ve liked, anywhere?”
“Not really.” I shrugged and took a bite of my chicken.
“Why don’t I take you shopping tomorrow night? And if we find a dress, I’ll take you to Johnny’s for pizza.”
I was really amazed by this development, because Dad has told me for years that he is allergic to shopping. Advil must help his shopping allergies because he took three before we left the house.
Surprisingly, Dad and I did find something for me to wear to graduation. First, we went to the juniors section at a department store Katie recommended. I tried on a bunch of dresses, but Dad vetoed them all as too sexy, so we continued our search. I kinda liked the black one he thought was way too sexy, but I was hungry, so I didn’t argue. Katie also told me to try the Gap, so we did, and I really need to thank that girl because that was very helpful advice. I found a pretty eyelet skirt and a really cute top.
During our whole shopping trip, Dad only held his head in his hands and muttered things to himself twice, so it was a good experience for him too, I think.
And now, I am actually excited for graduation.
Right now I’m getting some snacks together to take out to the tent.
“Phillip, come help me!” I yell across the street, as I struggle to carry everything.
Phillip runs over and grabs two grocery sacks full of candy and snacks from my arms. I’m left with just the big bowl of warm, buttered popcorn. As I’m following Phillip across the street, Danny comes out of his garage carrying a cooler.
“Why do you look so sneaky?” I ask him as we meet up in the street.
Danny looks just like he did the night we decorated the Mackenzies’ trees with Ashley’s underwear. At first, Ashley, who was sixteen at the time, laughed like she didn’t care, but that was before she realized Phillip had sent a heads-up email to everyone in her address book. She was completely horrified when all her friends, boys included, started driving by her house and honking at her lacy bras and panties.
Danny’s got something up his sleeve, I can tell.
“I’ll tell you later; just act normal in case my parents are watching.”
Later, after we’ve eaten most of the snacks and are playing cards, Danny opens the cooler and says, “How ’bout we have some fun tonight?” Then he pulls three cans of beer out from underneath the pop.
Phillip, who I figured would tell us exactly what a bad idea this is because he tends to be the most conservative of the three of us, says, to my surprise, “Hell, yeah.”
So, of course, I say, “Sounds awesome.”
We open our beers and Danny cheers, “Here’s to the good life.”
I’m pretty sure he heard that on a commercial.
We drink up. A few hours and few beers later, we’re basically drunk. Good thing our parents are already in bed.
See. I told you things could happen out here before bedtime.
The boys and I talk about who likes who and who doesn’t like who, all the gossip. We don’t know the answers to these questions, but we talk and laugh anyway. Then we share the last beer.
Actually, I am smart and only pretend to drink from it.
We are laughing and laughing when the boys start telling me about how they wake up in the morning with hard you-know-whats.
So I say, Well that’s nothing, and proceed to tell them in gory detail all about a period.
I ask them why they are so obsessed with girls who have big boobs, and they want to know why girls only like guys taller than them.
Later that night, Danny and Phillip puke their guts out.
I earn honors because I don’t.
Of course, I feel terrible the next day, but I will never admit it.
Three days until my first real date. I am so excited!
I am also a paranoid, nervous wreck.
I like this boy so much! His name is Ryan. Ryan Marshall.
Ryan is so good looking, and he’s a senior! He reminds Katie and me of Jake, from the movie Sixteen Candles. I know, it’s an old movie and the clothes are weird, but it’s still funny and romantic and is worth watching just to lust after Jake. Lisa, Katie, and I all rank Jake in the Top 25 on our lists of All Time Movie Hotties.
So how does this sound?
JJ Marshall.
Jadyn Marshall.
Jadyn James Reynolds-Marshall.
Mrs. Ryan Marshall.
Doesn’t that just roll off your tongue?
Speaking of tongues, they are the main reason I’m a nervous wreck. Ryan is a senior and, well, sadly, I’m not all that experienced with boys. I mean, I’m a freshman and have been to dances with boys my age and even have gone out with boys, but I’ve never really kissed them. Not like I hope to kiss Ryan anyway.
Bobby Robinson did shove his tongue into my mouth one time, when we were kissing under the bleachers at a football game, but it didn’t feel so good. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it exactly right.
So I talked to my friends, Katie and Lisa, about how to properly make out.
But, well, here is just a bit of their unhelpful advice.
Just let him take the lead, and do whatever he does.
Um, couldn’t that get me into a lot of trouble?
Just sort of kiss his tongue, but try not to drool.
Don’t open your mouth too wide.
And then, Just open your mouth wide.
See?
Stupid, conflicting information.
And this from girls who supposedly know how to do this!
I feel like I’m an undercover CIA agent trying to wrestle vital information out of a ruthless double agent when the fate of the free world depends upon it. All the while, the President is yelling at me in a panic, saying, Somebody! Anybody! Just get me the truth!
You know, this is really the kind of stuff that it would be helpful to learn in health class. Much more useful information than knowing how a fallopian tube works or what kinds of cancer I can fight by adding fiber to my diet.
I mean, this is a date of epic proportions.
He’s a senior for God's sake!
My high school reputation could be ruined or made in one single night.
I don’t want to be known as a terrible kisser!
Or, worse, as totally inexperienced!
I’ve got to do something.
Get me somebody, anybody!
I need someone who has experience and, most importantly, who will help me.
I glance out my window and see Danny’s bedroom light is on.
Cha-Ching.
Danny has experience, and I’m too desperate to be embarrassed.
So I call him. “Danny, are your parents home?”
“No, they went to that parents’ meeting at school with yours.”
Yay!
“Good. I’m coming over. And you’re, like, totally alone? Phillip isn’t there, is he?”
“No, I’m totally alone. What’s up, Jay?”
“Um, I just really, really need your help with something. Be right there.”
I slam down the phone, run out of my house and over t
o his. I barge in the front door and take the stairs two at a time up to his bedroom. He’s sitting on his bed with a varsity football playbook spread out in front of him. I can tell by the intense look on his face, he has been studying hard. Danny’s goal is to be the best high school quarterback in the state and then play for the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Let’s just say, he is well on his way to achieving his goals.
“Hey, Jay,” he says, straightening up, “what’s the top secret meeting all about?”
Maybe this was a bad idea.
No. You’ve got to find this stuff out.
It’s vital to our country’s well-being!
Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but it is vital to my well-being.
I pace the length of his room a couple of times, wringing my hands together, trying to get up the nerve.
“Okay, here it is. I need your help and, well, I’m kind of embarrassed to say it, but here goes. I have that date with Ryan on Saturday, and I’m afraid I won’t know what to do. I mean I’ve never done it before, and I’m not exactly sure how. I don’t even know if he’ll want to do it with me, but I’m hoping that he will and, well, I want to, you know, be prepared. So I need you to help me, Danny. Will you show me what to do?”
Danny stares at me in disbelief.
“This is a joke, right?” He laughs, gets off the bed, and looks down the hall. “Where’s Phillip hiding?”
“No, Danny, I’m serious. I mean if you can’t show me, could you at least tell me if I know how to do it right?”
“Let me get this right, Jay. You want me to show you how to have sex?” He has a huge goofball grin on his face. “Wow. Well, I suppose that could be arrang—”
“Wait! What??!! Sex! Danny, what are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about, Jay? You’re the one who said you’ve never done it and that you want me to show you.”
“I never said that!” Well, wait a minute, maybe I sorta did. “I mean, if I did say it, it’s not what I meant.”
Now he’s staring at me like I’m psycho.
I probably am.
“Shit, Danny, the truth is, I’ve never really made out.” There, I said it. “And I really, really, need to know how to do it right. I can’t seem to get reliable information from my friends, I can’t ask my parents, Ashley’s at college, so you’re my only hope,” I whine.
He continues the stone-faced look at me.
“I thought you made out with Bobby?”
“Yeah, I did, and it was awful. And I don’t wanna be awful,” I whine, desperately.
Then I change directions in my thinking, trying to figure out a way to get him to teach me. So I say with a challenge, “Hmm, well, maybe you can’t do it. That’s okay, I’ll just go ask Phillip for help.”
“Hell, no,” he growls. “He has about as much experience in that department as you do. Fine. I’ll help you.” He puts his hand up to his chin, thinking. “Hmmm. Come sit down.”
I sit cross-legged on his bed, facing him.
“Here. Take this.” He throws his pillow at me.
Ooh. Yum. It smells just like him.
But, uh, excuse me. I’ve already tried practicing on my pillow, and it was no help!
“No, that won’t work.” He quickly snatches the musky thing away from me. “Too big. I know, hold your hand up to your face,” he orders. “Kiss it.”
I look at him like he’s nuts, but he nods his head yes, so I hold my palm up in front of my face and push my lips into it.
“Turn sideways a bit, so I can see better,” he bosses, so I turn. “Okay, but your puckering is way too tight. You’re not kissing your grandma, Jay.”
“No, worse,” I gripe. “I’m kissing my hand.”
He glares at me. I think I had better just do as he says.
“Just loosen your lips. Try again.”
This time I pucker my lips, but then try to make them loose. I glance over at him, my eyebrows raised in hope.
“Alright, now slightly open your mouth.”
I try to slightly open my mouth. “This feels ridiculous.”
“Hmm, is this really that important to you?”
“Uh, ye-ah. He’s a senior! My entire reputation is at stake here.”
“Well okay then.” He jumps off his bed, shuts and locks his door, and turns off the light. There’s plenty of light coming through his window from the streetlight, so I can still see him. But I must appear slightly alarmed, because he says, “Look, I just don’t want anyone walking in on this.”
He looks at me like he’s a soldier being sent off to war, and I should be proud of his bravery and selflessness.
Actually, I am.
“Plus, you need to relax. Maybe in the dark you won’t feel so stupid.” He plops back down on his bed next to me and continues, “Tilt your head slightly to the left.”
I tilt my head.
“Lick your lips, so they’re not all dry.”
I lick.
“Stop smiling and close your eyes.”
I close them.
“Come on, Jay, I shouldn’t have to tell you everything! Pucker those lips.”
I pucker.
“No! Not so tight.”
Then he touches my bottom lip with his finger, and I nearly jump off the bed, my eyes flying wide open as he’s yelling at me, “Lesson number one? Don’t do that! You scared the shit out of me. You have got to relax!”
Then he reaches out and puts his hands on both of my shoulders, feels that they are, in fact, extremely tense. “God, you’re way tense!”
Puleeze, how could I not be?
I mean doesn’t this whole effed up situation require some tension on my part?
“Sorry.” I breathe deep and shake my shoulders, but it doesn’t help. I am still way tense.
Danny’s hands are still on my shoulders, and he starts rubbing them.
I can’t help but melt . . . I mean, uh, relax.
“I know, let’s try some positive visualization. Close your eyes again.” Then he speaks slowly in a hypnotic tone. “Alright, picture yourself at the movies with Ryan. So it’s dark, the movie is playing—”
“Wait! What are we seeing?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Uh, yeah. If you want me to visualize, I need the whole picture.”
“Fine then, something scary, so you’ll want to hang onto him.”
“Okay.” I nod and smile. “That sounds good.”
“So at the scary movie, he puts his arm around your shoulder.” Danny moves to my side and puts his arm around my shoulder. “You turn your face toward him and look into his eyes.” I turn my face toward Danny. “He smiles and leans in to kiss you.” Danny pushes my hand up to my face, pressing my lips into my hand.
I like this visualization stuff. I pretend my hand is Ryan and start to give it a good kiss, but then I think about how ridiculous I must look and start laughing again.
Danny does a big huffy breath at me and shoves my hand away from my mouth. “Stop laughing.”
I keep my eyes shut tight and bite my lip while Danny continues in the hypnotic voice, “Okay, I’m going to touch your lip, and I want you to open your mouth a bit.”
I giggle again.
I can’t help it! I really can’t!
“Oh, screw it,” he says.
I open my eyes and watch him shake his head at me. “This is just too hard to explain.”
I am ready to scream, I’ll stop laughing, please, please, please don’t give up on me, when he pulls me toward him and covers my mouth with his.
Oh. My. Gosh.
He’s kissing me!
Danny is kissing me!!
And, wow, practical knowledge. This is even better!
He kisses me with soft lips and a slightly opened mouth.
Oh.
He is a good kisser.
I kiss him back.
Then he taps my hand impatiently.
I take it I’m supposed to do something.
Why am I h
ere again?
Oh yeah, the tongue thing.
I cautiously stick my tongue out, and somehow he grabs the bottom of it with his tongue and sort of sucks on it.
Oh, my, that’s nice.
He taps me again.
I stop for a second because I’m not real sure what to do. But then Danny puts his tongue into my mouth, so I try to mimic what he did to me . . . and hey, it works!
I think I’m kind of getting the hang of this.
And, wow! It feels really good.
Obviously this is the right way to do it. I knew Bobby Robinson didn’t have a clue.
Danny and I practice for a little while longer.
I never knew learning could be so much fun!
All of a sudden, I hear something.
But it’s hard to be concerned about a stupid random noise when Danny is lying on top of me, kissing me, one hand tangled in my hair, the other hand up my shirt.
But then I hear something else, and my brain awakens.
I tear my lips away from Danny and turn my head. Danny kisses down the side of my neck, while I peek over at the clock next to his bed.
The clock says 9:30. 9:30?
Wait. What?
9:30?
9:30?!
That can’t be right!
When I left home it was 7:30!
Could I have been making out with Danny for two whole hours?
Shit!
Are Danny’s parents home?
Danny and I both hear the next noise. Danny’s mom is calling out, “Danny”.
And I swear to God, she must have literally apparated from the garage, because in less than an instant, she is at his door trying to open it.
But it’s locked.
She tries the handle again and says, “Danny, may I come in?”
Danny says, “Sure, Mom, just a sec.”
He seems way too cool about this. He gives me his Devil Danny grin, along with a last deep kiss, and jumps off the bed.
Only problem is, my leg is still wrapped around his, and he sorta tumbles out of the bed instead.
And I don’t know why, maybe I am slightly high from kissing him, but I find this quite funny and can’t help but giggle.
Danny grins back at me, as he’s picking himself up off the floor.
Well, he’s grinning until his mom hears my giggling and says madly, “Danny Diamond, unlock the door this instant. Who is in there with you?” Because Danny is not supposed to have girls over when his parents aren’t home.
Kiss Kiss Page 134