Caroline caressed the charm. She basked in the warmth she felt inside with the charm’s newfound meaning.
“Jackson had to make that for you, you know? That’s part of the tradition, too. If any Parks man wants to give the design to someone, they have to forge it themselves.”
“That just makes it even more special,” Caroline said, glowing. Knowing that Jackson had made it with his own two hands definitely changed the way she saw it. Not to mention, the way she felt about it.
Alex looked down and noticed the note in her hand. “You’re going to leave, aren’t you,” he asked, more a statement than a question, breaking Caroline’s train of thought.
“Let’s just go back inside,” she suggested.
“I’m going to grab some water. I’ll be right back. Want anything?” Alex asked before he headed down the hall.
“No, thank you.”
Caroline walked through the doors and only Sally remained inside. She held onto Jackson’s hand and caressed it, but stopped when she saw Caroline.
“I think I’m going to go back home.”
“When?” A slight smile escaped from Sally’s lips as her eyes lifted.
“Today.”
“So soon?”
“I need to get back to work. And I really need to talk to my fiancé and tell him everything that’s going on. I’ve been avoiding him since I got here and that’s not fair to him.” Thinking about Clay made Caroline feel doubly worse.
“I have no right to ask you this, but when he wakes up, can you make sure he gets this?” Caroline held out the envelope.
Sally smiled and took it in her hand. “Of course.”
“Thank you, Sally. I understand why he likes you, too.”
The girls hugged briefly. Caroline walked to Jackson’s bedside and was suddenly afraid to touch him. He looked so damaged. She gently lifted one of his hands and kissed the top of it. Then she bent toward his ear and whispered, “I love you. Please get better,” softly enough that no one else could hear.
With one last look in Sally’s direction, Caroline waved and quickly headed into the hallway. She almost ran smack into Alex, who was holding a tray filled with donuts and bagels.
“Where are you going?” His voice dropped.
“I’ve got to head back. I shouldn’t be here,” she confessed.
“Don’t let his mom upset you. He doesn’t tell her everything about his life, especially when he’s brokenhearted.” Alex tried to help her understand.
Caroline smiled, grateful for Alex and the kind of friend he was to Jackson. “I need to go home. Explain everything to Clay and stuff. If he opens his eyes, will you please let me know?”
He hugged her awkwardly, trying not to tip over the tray. “Of course.”
Tommy rounded the corner and let out an annoyed grunt. “Isn’t this cute?”
“I was just leaving, so you can go back to being your usual happy self,” Caroline snapped back and walked out of the lobby.
Chapter Sixteen
Caroline’s rattled nerves kept her from sleeping the entire five-hour flight back to San Francisco. She tried to figure out exactly what she was going to tell Clay, but everything sounded wrong. She felt like a horrible, rotten person. Her emotions were in overdrive. Her body shook as the gravity of her guilt consumed her.
Her legs felt like anchors as she walked up the stairs to their apartment and slowly opened the door. She had half hoped he wouldn’t be home, but Clay sat alone at their kitchen table. He looked like he’d been crying. His hair was a complete mess and she felt sick for having caused him pain.
“Are you going to tell me what’s been going on? Is Tray okay?” His voice sounded exasperated and there was a longing she didn’t recognize.
He still thought Caroline had been in New York to see Tracey? Caroline cursed Bailey silently for not telling him that part. “Tray’s fine. I’m so sorry for leaving our party like that.”
“Yeah, what was that? Why did you have to leave like that? What happened?” The details didn’t add up for Clay and Caroline knew it.
She mustered up all of her strength and courage. “We need to talk.”
Clay’s eyes fell flat. “That’s never a good sign.”
Caroline started with, “Clay. You know I love you, right?”
Clay’s jaw tightened and his eyes misted. “Of course I do,” he said and reached out to stroke her arm.
“I can’t do this.” And with those words, Caroline lost it. The tears started to fall rapidly and she could barely stand the pain she was about to cause.
“Can’t…do what?” Clay’s voice hitched.
“I can’t marry you,” she whispered. She couldn’t bring herself to say the dreaded words any louder.
“What do you mean you can’t marry me?” He stood up from the chair and paced nervously back and forth.
She watched him before she answered. “I mean, I can’t. I don’t want to.” She never intended to say it so harshly. She wanted to lessen the blow as much as possible, but telling a guy you don’t wantto marry them? There’s no easy way to do that.
“You don’t want to? Since when? You’re just getting cold feet, right?” His questions flew out in desperation.
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so, but you aren’t sure. So maybe it is just cold feet. Why don’t you sleep on it and we’ll see how you feel in the morning?” he demanded.
“I’ve been sleeping on it for the past three months!” she blurted out.
The energy in the room immediately shifted. Clay stopped pacing. “Oh,” was all he could say. The devastation was written all over his face as his eyes started to glisten. He fell to his knees and Caroline could barely stand to watch.
“I’m so sorry, Clay, I never meant to hurt you. I just…things changed, I guess. I’ve changed.”
He looked up from the floor. “How have you changed? How did this happen? I don’t understand.” His voice trailed off as he continued. “We were fine in New York…and we were fine here. But then Johnny died and you’ve never really been the same. But it can’t be that. And then there was that guy from baggage claim.” He paused as understanding dawned.
“Is there someone else?”
She couldn’t bear the thought of inflicting more pain on someone as undeserving of it as Clay. Eventually she would tell him the whole truth, but it couldn’t be tonight. Not right now. “Of course not,” she lied through her teeth as bile churned in the pit of her stomach.
“Then, what happened? How can we fix this?” His desperate pleas filled the space between them.
Tears fell, her head shook, and she forced the words out. “We can’t. I’m so sorry.”
“No!” Clay’s face reddened and his eyes narrowed in disgust. “You don’t just wake up one day and not want to marry me. Something happened. Something had to have happened!”
Prickles of fear crept across her skin. She’d never heard Clay’s voice so angry before. “Nothing happened, Clay. I don’t know.”
“This is bullshit! You’re lying. I know you’re lying!” His anger quickly grew.
“I’m not! Getting married doesn’t feel right any more and you deserve so much better than that. Clay, you deserve someone who loves you and wants to marry you and be with you forever.”
“That used to be you.” As quickly as it entered his body, the anger subsided. Hurt took its place as tears rolled down his cheeks, the crimson color fading with each breath.
“I know,” she sniffed. “I’m so sorry.” She pulled the ring from her finger and placed it in the palm of his hand.
He clenched his fingers into a fist tightly around it. “I don’t want this. I just want you.”
Caroline fought off the sick feeling that rose in her stomach.
“Why are you doing this?” Clay begged.
“I’m so sorry, Clay. I’ll stay at Bailey’s tonight and then I’ll pack my things during the week while you’re at work.”
“I can
’t believe this is happening. I never imagined…” His voice turned soft and he mumbled things Caroline couldn’t quite make out.
She couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Once in the darkened narrow hallway, her emotions took over. What had she done? For a brief moment, she actually contemplated running back into the apartment and telling Clay she didn’t mean any of it. She would beg for his forgiveness and everything would return to normal. Her mind screamed at her to remove the chaos and pain. It wanted her to go back to where things were comfortable and easy.
She tried to steady her racing heartbeat by breathing in slow, deep breaths. With her hands on her knees, she acknowledged that amidst all of this turmoil, a small part within her dazzled with joy. Her life was no longer a road on a map she could clearly see. She was on a new path, full of endless opportunities and possibilities.
The black iron railing offered support for her trembling hands. Everything she had once planned for and thought she wanted with Clay, disappeared in the distance. And as she watched it all fade away in her mind, she realized that fear was absent. In its place resided hints of excitement. And she knew in that moment that she had done the right thing.
Still trembling, she walked down the three flights of marble stairs to her car. Once safely inside, she called Bailey. “That didn’t take very long,” Bailey noted.
“I know. I thought he would fight with me a lot more, but I think maybe he’s in shock? I don’t know. It was awful. And even though I’m the one who did this, I feel sick to my stomach.”
“Love isn’t all rainbows and unicorns all the time. And neither is life. Sometimes life is really freaking hard.”
“I still feel like shit. Just remind me that I’m not a terrible person, okay?” Caroline trembled.
Bailey’s voice rose in volume and strength. “You’re NOT a terrible person, Caroline Weber. Do you hear me? What would be terrible would be if you married someone you didn’t love with all your heart. That’s not fair to either of you. And it’s selfish.”
Caroline sniffed and her eyes burned. “Thanks, Bails. Be there in five.”
“I’ll wait outside for you.”
Bailey hugged Caroline the moment she exited her car. “I know it’s hard. You’re doing the right thing.”
Caroline tried to nod. “I feel so bad, though. You have no idea.”
“That’s because you’re leaving your comfort zone. You’re leaving the predictable and heading into the unknown. That’s always scary.”
“It’s not that though, Bails. I don’t feel bad for me. I mean, I seriously want to kick my own ass for hurting Clay like this.”
“You could always change your mind.” Bailey let out an exasperated breath.
Caroline winced. “I don’t want to change my mind.”
Bailey smiled. “See. It’s the right thing then. How’s Jackson?”
Caroline sat on Bailey’s oversized sofa chair and curled into a ball. “He’s in a medically-induced coma. His head is so swollen, it’s terrifying. The doctors have to wait for the swelling to go down before they can even try to wake him up.”
“That sounds scary.”
“It was. Seeing him like that—” Caroline shuddered—“was really hard.”
“Did you meet his parents and stuff?”
“They didn’t even know who I was,” Caroline said as her eyes dropped.
“Shit. You’re kidding? I’m sorry, Care.”
Caroline shrugged her shoulders and grabbed a nearby pillow before holding it against her stomach. “I just didn’t expect that, you know?”
Bailey’s eyes lit up as she put the pieces together. “Is that why you came back so soon?”
Caroline avoided her friend’s curious eyes. “Partly.”
“Mostly.”
Caroline looked up. “Mostly.”
Bailey gave her a squeeze. “I love you. You will be okay. All of this will work out. I know it’s hard right now, but it won’t be forever.”
“I sure hope you’re right.” Caroline closed her puffy eyes, hoping for any sliver of solace.
Chapter Seventeen
Caroline took the following day off from work to pack her things at the apartment she used to share with Clay. She walked through the door and nearly jumped ten feet when she saw him at the table.
“I didn’t think you’d be here, Clay. I’m sorry, I can come back later or something,” Caroline offered.
“No. I wanted to be here.” Clay’s eyelids were swollen and dark circles surrounded his eyes.
“Are you sure? I promise I won’t take anything that isn’t mine.” She glanced around at the things they shared.
Clay tried to laugh, “I don’t think you’re going to take my stuff Caroline. I just…” He stopped talking and placed a finger against the side of his head. “It just doesn’t make sense, Care.”
Caroline’s heart started to throb in her chest. She moved to put her purse on the counter. “What do you mean?” she asked as calmly as possible.
“I still don’t get why you rushed off to New York? If Tracey’s fine, then why’d you leave like that? I don’t understand where you went.” Clay’s eyes crinkled as he waited.
She felt horrible for lying and knew she needed to come clean. At first, she thought the lie was to protect Clay from being hurt more. But the reality was, she was protecting herself. She didn’t want to give Clay a reason to hate her.
Caroline wondered if she had the courage to be completely honest with him. She looked at Clay’s somber face before he implored, “Please…just tell me the truth.”
Nerves rattled her body from the inside out. “I got a phone call during the party.” Caroline moved to sit in the chair directly across from him. She swallowed hard, the lump noticeable in her throat. “Do you remember the guy from the airplane?”
Clay’s forehead wrinkled. “Jackson, or something like that?”
Caroline nodded. “He was in a real bad accident.”
“So? What does that have to do with you?”
As Caroline gazed at the table in front of her, Clay’s anger returned. “Caroline! What does that guy getting in an accident have to do with you?”
Caroline sobbed uncontrollably.
“Caroline! Answer me!” he shouted at her. She looked up at him as the confusion in his eyes subsided. He rose from the table, grabbed the chair he sat on and hurled it into the wall behind him. “Are you kidding me? That guy? Have you been talking to him all this time?”
Caroline felt her stomach twist into tightly bound knots. Her face drained of all color as she fought off the urge to throw up. “Have you been cheating on me?” Clay demanded, his body trembling with angry thoughts.
“No! I didn’t cheat on you. I promise!” She finally spoke, but her words offered little comfort.
“I don’t believe you!” he screamed at her, the veins in his neck bulging with every beat of his adrenaline-filled heart.
“I swear, Clay. I never did anything with him.”
He pounded his fists on top of the table with such force that the glasses and candle crashed onto their sides. His breaths were quick and heavy as tiny beads of sweat rolled down the side of his beet red face. His hands clenched into fists and then unclenched, his knuckles shifting between white and pink. He turned to pace around the living room as Caroline watched him helplessly, her body wracked with uncertainty.
Clay closed his mouth and tried to breathe calmly, his breath rushing loudly through his nostrils. He walked over to the tossed chair that had punctured a small hole in the wall and picked it up. He brought it to the table and sat down. “Tell me everything,” he insisted through clenched teeth.
Caroline wiped the tears from her face, scared to death to admit the whole truth to him. “What do you want to know?”
“How many times have you seen him?” Clay shouted.
“I had lunch with him once after the flight, but that’s it,” she said, her voice shaking.
“Did you kiss him?” Clay as
ked coldly.
Caroline suddenly felt like she was on trial. “No.”
“How often do the two of you talk?”
She thought back at the past year. “Um, at first we talked a lot.”
Clay interrupted. “Every day?”
Caroline nodded. “Pretty much.”
“Go on,” Clay insisted. “Did you talk on the phone, Facebook, email, what?”
Caroline wanted this to stop, but Clay deserved answers, no matter how hard they were for her to admit. Her bottom lip quivered. “We talked on the phone sometimes. We sent texts mostly.”
“When?” Clay asked impatiently.
“When what?”
“When did you talk on the phone? At work? Here?” His tone filled with disgust.
“Um…” Caroline stumbled and focused on her trembling hands. “Here, mostly.”
“Where was I?” He glared.
“You were at work, Clay. You’re always at work,” she commented.
Clay gave a quick laugh. “Oh. So this is my fault, right? Because I was never around? Always at work?”
“No! That’s just when we talked. You were at work and I was here.”
Clay’s guilt got the better of him momentarily and his voice softened. “Did this happen because I was never home?”
Caroline recoiled. “No. Clay…this was never about you being home, or not being home. It wouldn’t have mattered if you were here every second of every day.”
“Then why did it happen? It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense.” Clay buried his face into his hands.
“I don’t know. I thought I was perfectly happy,” she admitted.
“But obviously you weren’t. Whether you realize it or not, something was missing for you,” Clay pointed out.
“I don’t know if I believe that. I don’t know what I believe any more.” She struggled to push her overwhelming guilt aside and take the blame.
Clay replayed her words in his mind. His voice raged. “So then, what happened? You said at first you talked a lot…then what?”
The rollercoaster of his emotions made Caroline cringe. She looked at Clay and tried to smile. “We got engaged.”
Kiss Kiss Page 259