by Bandy X. Lee
Trump has no apparent moral urge to care for others or serve his constituents. He may cite “America First” slogans, but he has no real understanding of the selfless giving in true patriotism. Trump got five deferments during the Vietnam War, yet he has repeatedly verbally attacked war heroes. His policies emphasize cruelty toward the less fortunate and an abdication of caring stewardship of the earth’s resources.
As is the case with most Other-blamers, the country is learning quite clearly that Trump is in it only for himself. The pervasive sense that an Other-blamer does not care about you is a betrayal and leads, rightfully, to distrust and disconnection. This type of behavior violates our primal need for mutuality and trust in relationships and is why relationships with narcissists are toxic and usually end poorly.
Depersonalizing the Victim
A lack of emotional attunement and prosocial responsiveness leads to an objectification or depersonalization of others. This distancing is an adaptive mechanism that allows Other-blamers to experience less guilt when they harm their partners.
“An abusive man has to bury his compassion in a deep hole in order to escape the profound inherent aversion that human beings have to seeing others suffer. He has to adhere tightly to his excuses and rationalizations, develop a disturbing ability to insulate himself from the pain he is causing, and learn to enjoy power and control over his female partners” (Bancroft 2002).
Trump, for decades, has made demeaning comments about women’s looks and has bragged on videotape about sexually assaulting women. During the campaign, he mocked a disabled reporter.
When most pundits said Trump’s behavior might improve in the White House, I predicted that his behavior would get worse. His extreme depersonalization of others will worsen as his entitlement increases with the power of his position.
“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist” (Bancroft 2002).
It is frightening to consider that we have a president who may have lost the ability to care about the human lives he is charged with protecting.
Entitlement
Other-blamers exhibit entitlement, which is closely linked to depersonalization and a lack of accountability. Trump seems to believe he is above reproach, once stating that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters (Johnson 2016).
Most abusers try to hide socially unacceptable traits; they are often polite to others but abusive to a partner. Sadly, Trump makes no effort to mask his verbal abuse. He feels entitled to publicly shame and demean. Name-calling with comments of “loser” and “lock her up” were a staple of his campaign. He appears unrestrained by any sense of moral propriety, which indicates a very dangerous, extreme abuser who does not even attempt to plaster over his ill will with a sociopath’s charm. He cannot even pretend to be good-natured, despite all his popularity, wealth, and power.
Deception
Other-blamers lie to exaggerate achievements in an attempt to seek approval, deflect blame, and avoid accountability. They become adept at outright deception, lies of omission, twisted responses, denial, and subject changing.
Lying to others is second nature to Other-blamers because they lie to themselves constantly. To routinely shift blame to others is a massive, lifelong effort at self-deception. Other-blamers lie by rationalizing, convincing themselves that their behavior is appropriate, with the goal of avoiding hearing the truth and experiencing shame.
Author Tony Schwartz has said about Trump that “Lying is second nature to him … More than anyone else I have ever met, Trump has the ability to convince himself that whatever he is saying at any given moment is true, or sort of true, or at least ought to be true” (Meyer 2016).
Other-blamers and abusers lie so frequently that their partners often do not know what to believe. How can a relationship of any kind withstand the betrayal of a constant barrage of deception, excuses, and denials?
Humans have a survival-oriented need for trust in relationships: “Can I really count on you when it matters? Do you have my back?” With repeated lies, interpersonal partners (and national allies) will learn that the answer is no.
This is exactly what is causing distress for many Americans since Trump’s election. They sense, correctly, that he will impulsively betray us to achieve his aims, even if it is not in the best interest of the country.
Rep. Adam Schiff, a Democrat from California, noted that Trump’s constant lies may lead to a loss of trust in a leader’s words that may have major international implications. “When a president of the U.S. makes claims that are proved baseless, it weakens the presidency and undermines our security and standing in the world. Presidential credibility once squandered may never be fully regained. If the president may one day assert that North Korea has placed a nuclear weapon on a ballistic missile and action is necessary, it will be an enormous problem if untrue. If true, it may be an even bigger problem if the president has lost the capacity to persuade our allies of the facts, let alone the American people” (Schiff 2017).
Other characteristics of abusive Other-blamers include:
• Placing high value on personal loyalty, surrounding themselves with “yes men.” Trump relies almost exclusively on family members as advisers, even though none has government experience.
• Isolating their partners and often convincing their victims that others do not have their best interests at heart. Throughout the campaign, Trump created an “us-versus-them” mentality in his followers, belittling anyone who might weaken his hold on those followers’ hearts and minds.
• Being attracted to power and tending to misuse it. They use an authoritarian style of speaking that gets others to doubt reality. Trump boldly repeats lies so that the truth has little opportunity to flourish.
• Promoting an image of success. Trump’s gold-plated lifestyle and obsession with crowd sizes and vote counts provide ample evidence that protecting his delicate ego takes precedence.
Driven to Distraction: Trump’s Effect on Our Psychological Health
A fundamental problem with a Trump presidency is not merely that his poorly thought-out policies may harm us. It is that his character defects will normalize immoral Other-blaming behaviors and encourage their full expression among those who may have previously been held in check by expectations of socially acceptable behavior. If the recent uptick in racial violence is an indicator, Trump has given his followers a green light to act out.
Just as the trauma of witnessing domestic violence damages children, an emotionally immature president can affect the future of our nation regarding moral behavior, cultural stability, and psychological wellness.
Other-blamers can be restrained only by prompt, calm boundary setting and an enforcement of moral and social norms. Without these influences, Other-blamers grow in boldness and their presumption of power. Other-blamers will take as much ground as they can get.
We must resist, not only to contain Trump’s behaviors, but also to signal to his followers that abusive behavior is not appropriate. Unfortunately, now that millions of Other-blamers have been encouraged by Trump to misbehave, it may be impossible to get that genie back in the bottle.
In therapy, it is common to see families where a narcissist or sociopath has not been held in check—sometimes multiple generations of them—and the resulting dysfunction creates ripples of psychological trauma, including insecure attachment patterns in children, addictions, estrangement, and conflict.
Because the Other-blamer refuses to compromise or engage in fair play, it becomes “every man for himself.” Family members resent having to always give so the Other-blamer can take. They resent the Other-blamer lying and ref
using to agree on facts. They resent always being blamed while the Other-blamer can never admit fault. Abuse victims often experience frustration because when they try to get through to the abuser, the rules of fair play do not apply.
As a country, we are attempting to apply democratic rule of law to Trump. If Trump refuses to play by the rules, and the courts and Congress do not hold him accountable, we citizens have little recourse, which will cause us to have the sense of helpless desperation of an abused spouse.
Compromise and reciprocity are key parts of politics and healthy relationships. Other-blamers are inclined to adopt an attitude of “my way or the highway,” as Trump did with his ham-handed rushing through of a replacement for the Affordable Care Act without debate. If Trump has to be right and win at all costs, and if he views discussion and compromise as losing, this offers little hope for the future of the country’s relationship with him.
It is common for a jealous spouse to angrily text his wife thirty times a day, call repeatedly, and argue for hours. The effort it takes to manage the abuser causes the partner to have less time and energy for parenting, career, or self-care. In narcissistic relationships, one has little left over after the arguments. Abused partners tend to overfocus on the relationship, rather than address their own self-improvement, until the relationship is ended.
In the same way, since the 2016 election, much of the world has been in a panic, overfocused on Trump and unable to deal with much else but his foibles and follies. The world is scrambling to respond to chaos, which leaves little energy to address legitimate issues. When the Japanese prime minister visited, the discussion about Trump’s bizarrely aggressive handshaking style overtook talk of trade deals or North Korea. Antarctic ice shelf breaking off? Wars, refugees, the European Union in turmoil? These issues receive inadequate attention because the world is trying to make sense of the attention-seeking distraction in the White House. This is potentially tragic for those people and issues ignored as a result of the dysfunctional relationship we have with this president.
I am experiencing this personally, as I spend much more time reading news articles, organizing rallies, writing letters, and making phone calls. This is time and energy I could be spending championing worthy causes. In fact, here I am writing about Trump’s mental health when, with a different person in office, I could be working to improve the mental health care system.
This narcissistic president is doing what all narcissists do: sucking the air out of the room. When in relationship with an Other-blamer, one must spend one’s time and energy arguing about the arguing, rather than living peacefully and productively. Trump will continue to have a toxic effect at the individual and global level, not just through his harmful, ill-considered policy decisions, but through increased anxiety and the diversion of attention from other issues.
A true leader or a caring spouse manages his or her behaviors and emotions in a mature, temperate way. The country will have less ability to focus on solutions to complex problems until we get rid of the Other-blamer in chief we are in relationship with. The coarsening of society and the loss of civility and empathy will likely be irreparable in the near term. We can only hope that we break up with this abusive president before he breaks up the country.
Harper West (www.HarperWest.co), M.A., L.L.P., is a licensed psychotherapist in Clarkston, Michigan. She graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in journalism and worked in corporate communications, later earning a master’s degree in clinical psychology from the Michigan School of Professional Psychology. Ms. West is the developer of self-acceptance psychology, which challenges the biological model of mental disorders and offers a new paradigm that reframes emotional problems as adaptive responses to fear, trauma, shame, and lack of secure attachment. Her self-help book Pack Leader Psychology won an Independent Book Publishers Association Ben Franklin Award for Psychology.
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BIRTHERISM AND THE DEPLOYMENT OF THE TRUMPIAN MIND-SET
LUBA KESSLER, M.D.
Donald Trump straddles the country’s divide between those who cheer his ascendance to the presidency and those who are greatly disturbed by it. This intensely felt division points to the highly emotional effect he has on the nation. What is it? People have cited a variety of factors. This chapter offers a singular look at Trump’s method of political insinuation through an examination of his embrace and loud propagation of the “birtherism” conspiracy. His use of it as a jumping-off platform to launch his presidential candidacy showed from the start the unmistakable signs of an unabashed bending of reality and a deployment of demagoguery to achieve his political aims.
What is birtherism? Since 2011, Donald Trump was the loudest and most persistent spokesperson for the conspiracy theory that Barack Obama was not a native U.S. citizen. In denying that Obama was a naturally born American, Trump joined the “birtherism” argument espoused by the national far-right political fringe.
It was Trump’s first visible political falsehood, initiating a perversion of the political discourse that ultimately led to his election. A false covenant with the public followed, spawning a multitude of other “alternative” realities.
This brings up disturbing questions. Why did th
is falsehood take root? And what are the ramifications of a presidency based on it? This chapter attempts to consider this question in light of recent history.
* * *
The first decade of the country’s political history in the twenty-first century saw two profoundly transformative national events. America suffered the first and only foreign attack on its mainland since the War of 1812, on September 11, 2001. And in 2008, it elected a black man as its president, and reelected him for a second term in 2012. One event came from the outside; the other, from developments inside the country. Is there something about this convergence between the shock of the one and the internal ripples of the other? Let us examine.
The 9/11 terrorist attacks shook the country’s sense of invincibility. Ever since then, the United States has been at war in foreign lands, in an effort to recover its sense of security and prowess. Our nation has always been proud of its sovereignty, its expansive Manifest Destiny at home and its voice of authority abroad. The adjustment of its post-9/11 self-image on the national and international stage has been painful. We entered the new millennium with a great deal of self-questioning. American millennials came face-to-face with ethnic and religious Otherness with an urgency unknown to previous generations. On the one hand, it widened their horizons, fueling greater interest in and openness to the world. Yet, on the other hand, life became more unsettled; the breakdown in the social and family sense of security made their entrance into this new world more susceptible to feelings of mistrust and fearfulness. The impulse to “circle the wagons” and turn inward encouraged suspicion of Others: xenophobia.
The election of Barack Obama as the U.S. president also represented a great shift in the nation’s life and psychology, though of a different nature. Blacks have historically carried connotations of Otherness in America, by the difference of their skin color and the circumstances of their arrival on the continent, compared to the majority population, which has led to persistent racism. Certainly, the election of an African American man to the highest office in the land represented a dramatic civic achievement in the country’s history. It gave cause to consider the possibility that the United States may have reached a postracial consciousness.