by C S COURT
I give up my search for food and begrudgingly decide on a slice of toast after everyone has eaten, it’s quick, easy and relatively filling, just not all that tasty.
I open the bottle green oven, that is years past its date for getting rid and check on their shepherds pie, taking note that it has probably only got around twenty minutes left to cook.
As I’m about to turn and walk out of the kitchen, I spot a red packet sitting behind my clear glass biscuit barrel.
Pulling it out, I see it is a share size packet of maltesers.
I probably seem totally pathetic from being giddy with excitement over finding something yummy to eat, but right at this moment in time I couldn’t care less. I can be cheeky and hide it from everyone.
It’s not that I mean to be selfish, but the kids and Dan have a shepherd’s pie cooking plus a chocolate pudding each for dessert. I so far have a few slices of toast.
I open the bag and am quite literally two chocolates down, when I get bombarded by the kids. The pair of them should have been sharks I swear, one whiff of chocolate and they attack.
“Mummy, I’m hungry, can I have those chocolates?” Asks my five year old.
I mean really, it’s half past five, I have dinner in the oven cooking as we speak and they have had more than their fair share of snacks since they have been home. I even stopped at the shop for a few liquorice sticks on the way back.
“Please, please, please mummy? Pleeeeeaaaasssseeee!” Begs my three year old.
Out come the pouty lips and sugary sweet voice.
Fuck it, I honestly give up, if I say no I will have to listen to them try and guilt trip me into believing they are starved. So I do what I always do for an easy life and just give in.
I start to unenthusiastically pull the kids bowls out of the cupboard, huffing and puffing as I go, in clear exasperation, when I hear Dan’s keys being inserted into the front door.
I freeze, plastic bowls clasped between my thumb and index finger, crouched on the floor with my head in the cupboard and bum stuck up in the air!
If I wasn’t such a bag of nerves, I would probably laugh at the position I am in.
Who moved everything around in the bloody cupboards anyway?
Come on, come on.. Please push the door closed normally! My poor heart can’t take much more stress.
The thing is, if he’s in a good mood I will hear the soft snap of the latch pinging in to place.
But of course, life could never be that simple.
Instead, I hear the distinct sound of his work boots back heeling the wood on the bottom of the door followed by a huge slam!
Bad mood it is then.
I know I am in for one hell of a night, my stomach bottoms out at the thought.
On cue, my inner dialogue kicks up a gear, promptly going in to over drive.
Panic ensues inside of me and I look around frantically, as if some newfound hiding space for me and the kids to crawl into will appear out of thin air.
Oh crap, bollocks, balls and titties.
Their dad is going to go mad, I can practically visualise him moaning about me being a pushover and not being able to say no to the kids, generally letting them do what they want, when they want it, and here I am sticking maltesers in a bowl due to me being exhausted and wanting to keep the peace for the night.
I carry on, in the hope that he avoids us for a few minutes and heads straight upstairs for a bath. I grab a handful of the round little chocolates and place them in Alex’s bowl, when I get spun around on the spot and catch my elbow on the counter! “SHIT.. “ I hiss, as he gets so close I can feel his breath fan across my nose.
“Why are you giving them sweets when their dinner is in the oven, what the hell is wrong with you?! Tell them no and if they start moaning send them to bed. Stop fucking giving in to them!!!” And so it starts, any remaining energy just drains away and my chest begins to feel tight.
A small part of me really wants to fight back, to argue, shout and scream and put him in his place, but of course I have been conditioned not to.
I will be shouted over, his voice will get louder and louder and the petty threats will start, and if I get under his skin enough, probably followed by a punch or slap. So I do what I always do and just agree with him.
“Okay Dan, you’re right, I just thought dinner was going to be a while and they could pick at a few to tide them over till it’s ready.”
I am practically begging anyone and everyone in the universe to help me out, just this once. I don’t have the energy for his moods today!
Dan just looks at me, his expressionless face scaring me when I start to see his jaw tightening and his cheek getting a slight tick in it.
“Fuck this, I’m going out. You’re an absolute joke, oh and by the way, I’m going Brighton with my football mates this Friday.” He of course drops that bombshell and stalks out of the kitchen.
I snap before I can think. “Are you having a laugh? You’re going out tonight, going Brighton this weekend, went out practically all last weekend and you just expect me to sit in with the kids. When are we going out? When are we taking the kids anywhere? We never do anything nice and all you seem to do is plan nights out with your mates.” I’m whining I know, but I don’t trust him and I am so sick of how much he goes out and how much money he spends.
I’m desperate for a car, but no, his friends are more important!
I’m unable to even think straight, I have no control over my mouth and words keep spilling out.
He gets on the defensive immediately, “Really? Then how about you ask your friends to go out, better yet, get a fucking job so you have your own money, then find somebody to watch the kids and go out. And I’m not stopping you from going out tonight, there’s nothing preventing you from taking them out, it’s just not my problem.” Dan replies.
He knows I have no money to take them anywhere, that’s why he tells me I can go. I’m not stupid, if I got us ready to go out now he would freak.
He just plays serious mind games and makes it look like I’m the crazy one, according to him he tells me to go out, and I just choose not to. It really pisses me off.
“How the hell am I supposed to get a job?” I shout “Who will do the morning school runs, lunch time nursery run and afternoon school pick up, tidy the house, do the washing, the list is endless? You seem to think I have it so easy, but I’m on the go all day every day. I don’t get days off and ever have a lie in, I don’t get paid or ever bloody go out and I certainly don’t have it like YOU, YOU QUIT WORK AND LOOK AFTER THE KIDS AND I WILL HAPPILY GO BACK TO WORK!” I am practically hyperventilating by the end of my rant.
My hands are buried in my natural waist length blonde hair and tugging at the roots, screeching the last words directly to his face.
I allowed him to get me so worked up that for those few seconds I just exploded, the mixture of feelings became so intense and so overwhelming that I didn’t stand a hope in hell of remaining calm and they needed a release.
I wait for the sinking feeling deep in the pit of my stomach to hit, like claws grabbing my internal muscles and forcing them down, and the panic to hit full force.
I start to tune out my surroundings and stare at the dining room wall, taking note that the once duck egg blue paint on the walls, now has a not so lovely grubby look and has some rather colourful hand prints and designs sprawled from nearly top to bottom. Every range of colour, most of which is probably food, covers them to at least half way up.
A strange detached sort of numbness settles over me as I’m taking it all in.
My muscles and tendons relax, my mind removes itself from the situation and all nerves have completely disappeared.
I feel like I am floating, maybe I have fallen asleep and am dreaming, or maybe Dan has hit me too hard this time and I’ve lost consciousness.
I honestly couldn’t pinpoint it, I just know I like it, theres no pain and panic just .... blank.
A small part of my brain has just r
ealised Dan has given me the perfect excuse for Friday night, and I completely lost control before I had a chance to be logical.
At least this way he won’t be suspicious I suppose, he will assume I am trying to stop him from going, and therefore, hopefully he won’t click before then and realise something is up.
I just wish he would put some money into this house though, we have so many red letter bills coming through the door and he just doesn’t care or ever help me pay them.
“Oh FUCK off” I’m snapped out of my daze by a harsh shove to the chest.
I stumble on the laminate, struggling to get a footing on the freshly polished floor and smack my head on the door frame.
I expect it to hurt, but despite the fact I have come out of my daydreaming, the numbness is still there and I don’t feel a thing.
I’m pretty sure the staring I am doing just angers Dan more, and he picks up his rant, probably just to get a reaction out of me. “I’m picked up at half five every day and dont get back until six that night, I don’t stop all day, and you sit round your little friends house all morning kid free, drinking tea and sitting on your arse,” He’s referring to Rhia here, Diane is completely off bounds after her mouthing off to him. “And another thing, I work my arse off, so whatever I spend my money on is up to me, I haven’t got to tell you pound for pound what I spend it on. Carry on with your fucking moaning and whining, and I promise you right here and now that I will spend all of my wages over the next few weeks going out and getting drunk. I wont spend a penny on any of you. You can find another way to support your children.”
And so the threats start, they always make my heart pound in my chest and I never fail to feel like a little girl lost.
I just want to take the kids and move somewhere far away, start again and make a better life for us. How would I ever do that with absolutely no money to my name? Every penny I get goes in to bills, my gas and electric hasn’t been paid for eleven months and that is just the start of my debts.
Not forgetting the fact that Dan wouldn’t let me take the kids, he doesn’t give a toss about them, but if I took them he would not stop until he had hunted us down and taken them from me.
Or so he says. It’s too great of a risk to chance it though.
I blink up in to Dan’s completely black eyes. I used to think he was so good looking, what with his 6 foot 3 height, muscular but also slender build, slightly tanned skin, black hair, stubbled cheeks, small straight nose and thin but slightly pouty lips.
Now when I look at him I just see darkness, I see him for who he is.
He blinded me with a false personality, a happy, loving and caring one. I also see the flaws in his looks that I didn’t see before, the overly thick eyebrows, the heavy bags under his eyes, the slightly bigger than normal ears and a slight squint in one eye when he becomes tired or is angry. I can only assume that I was so hopped up on lust, that I never really looked at him properly, I built him up into something he wasn’t in my head.
I leave Dan standing there and go back to the safety of the sofa and pick up my phone. I tuck my legs beneath me and lean into the side.
Tiredness has crept in, the numbness has started to wear off and I’m starting to hurt and feel physically and mentally exhausted.
My way of losing myself is to open up my kindle app and just read. I feel slightly sick and I’m completely unsure if it’s the array of emotions I have gone through in the fifteen minutes hes been home or the knock to the head.
I decide to immerse myself in an imaginary world of love, lust and romance. I become the heroine in my latest novel. The alpha male is my hero who will take me and my babies away from this life and to paradise.
Dan will hold no control and be unable to chase away our happiness here, my hero will protect us and keep the sun shining in my dull and dreary existence.
My eyes start to burn as I read, my body exhausted from the confrontation with Dan.
I place my head on the arm of the sofa, lock my phone and put it inside my pocket.
I just need to close my eyes for a few minutes, enough to stop them from stinging, and to make the heaviness in my body to subside.
CHAPTER FOUR
I awake to a sharp sting on the side of my face.
It takes me a few moments to get my bearings and come to the conclusion I am in the front room. I stretch my arms above my head, trying desperately to clear my sleep fogged brain and assess the threat level.
I rub my face, the skin just above my jaw is raised and really quite tender.
Looking up quickly, I notice a shadow has fallen over me whilst I have been rousing myself.
Dan is stood hovering over me, all 6 foot 3 of intimidating male.
“Wake up you lazy bitch!” There’s another biting pain, this time to my collar bone.
He’s using his hooded sweatshirt to whip and shock me into paying attention to him, the metal zip hitting me hard and fast.
This is small time for him, if he truly wanted to hurt me, I would have been hurled off of the sofa by my hair and beaten to a bloody pulp.
I honestly don’t know what is worse, the abuse itself, or the fact that I recognise the different levels of it, knowing when to humor him with the attention he is vying for or when to get the kids and run.
I go for the simple humor him approach, “Yes Dan, I’m up. I have had a really crap day and just needed to close my eyes for a moment. You know Lily doesn’t sleep all that well at night.”
By the look on his face I have said the wrong thing and angered him more, his dark brown eyes looking black when his mood takes a turn for the worse, brows drawn down and a slight tick in his jaw.
He really does look sinister, but that could be down to the fact that I know first hand how violent he becomes when these changes come in to effect.
“You are kidding me right?” He replies slowly, coming across far too calm when compared to the murderous expression on his face.
Don’t answer, don’t answer! I repeat to myself, knowing he is goading me and being sarcastic. His rant has just begun, this is just the build up to the main event.
“I have been out of the house and at work since before you even crawled out of your pit. I have worked my arse off with only a forty five minute break today, and you have the cheek to fall asleep and act as if you have done a hard days work! How the hell can you justify sitting on your arse all day and letting the kids run riot whilst I run myself in to the ground? And as for Lily waking up in the night, well that is a piss poor excuse, you put her in bed with you and cuddle her straight back to sleep. Now get off the sofa and dish my dinner up, the timer is going off and I’m waiting for it so I can go out. You piss taking bitch!”
I get up quickly, making the room spin slightly, and an ache settles to the back of my skull.
I am so tired, so thoroughly exhausted of this life. I know it would be so much easier to just give up and drown in it, but that would never be an option for me, I would never leave Alex and Lily to suffer alone with him.
I take a few deep breaths and wait for the spinning to subside.
Of course Dan doesn’t like waiting and gives me a shove in the direction of the kitchen.
I stumble for a few steps and listen to Dan huffing something about pathetic females under his breath as I go.
The dinner is dished up as quick as I can do it. The quicker he eats, the sooner he will leave and I won’t see him again until he gets in from work the next day.
This should give me enough time to sort through some old dresses and heels that are packed in storage and hide them ready to drop to the girls in the morning at the school. One more thing made easier for Friday.
Alex and Lily are sitting at the table, eating in complete silence.
They know if they make a sound, Dan will send them to their rooms for the night with no dinner.
It is so heart-breaking to have to watch them behave like puppets for their master, but what can I do? I make sure to take all of his anger and frustra
tion away from them, but there’s a limit to what I can stop. This for example being one of them.
I love hearing their little chatter, filling each other in on what the other has missed and the little games they make up. Dan just wants silence, not a single sound is allowed to disturb him.
It’s crazy how my babies will come out of their protective shells once he is gone though.
The second that door closes they will start chatting away, filling our home with laughter and love, and I cannot wait.
I can hear Dan moving about, his dinner has been finished and his dirty plate left on the coffee table in the front room.
I’ve kept my distance from him and am sitting in front of Lily and Alex and pretending to make sure they are eating properly. This generally keeps him away from me for a bit and gives me some space.
Lily looks up at me, smiles, then leans slightly towards the open doorway to the front room. I know this move, she wants to tell me something but is scared Dan will overhear her.
She quickly snaps back into place and starts whispering. “Mummy, is Daddy going out?”
I can see her eyes light up at the thought of him leaving for a bit, and I hate what that evil prick puts us all through.
“Yes baby girl,” I whisper back, “Shall we have a nice bath and lots of Mummy, Lily and Alex cuddles before bed when he goes?”
“Yay, can we? Please Mummy. I love special cuddles.” She’s so excited. I just hope the brute hurries and goes soon.
“WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING AND NOT EATING?” We all jump from the booming voice in the doorway.
I turn towards Dan and say the first thing that pops in to my mind.
“Sorry babe, it was me. I was asking if they were getting full up or fancied some more dinner.” I practically roll my eyes at my own stupidity, if he spots the empty shepherds pie dish on the counter in the kitchen, he will know I am bare face lying.
“Whatever,” he grumbles, and I practically breathe a sigh of relief. “Get off your arse and iron this.”