Adam hadn’t been the last boyfriend to sweep into our lives. But after those six months on the street and Yoss’s disappearance from my life, I learned to deal with it.
I focused on plans.
On making them.
On following through with them.
I had made a promise and I intended to keep it.
And Mom and I slowly came to a place where we could be almost normal together.
Almost.
I was pretty sure our definition of normal was very different from everyone else’s.
“You’re such a prude, Imi. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re my daughter. I didn’t raise you to be so conservative.”
It would have been so easy to remind my mother that she had very little to do with raising me, but I didn’t.
Picking and choosing battles had become a way of life.
“I’m on my way to work, Mom. Is there something you needed?” I asked, getting into my car.
“Can I come over sometime soon? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.” She was trying. In her crazy, egocentric way, my mother was working to build the relationship that had for a long time felt inconsequential.
“Sure, Mom. I’d like that,” I told her truthfully. As frustrating as she could be, I would always be a little desperate for her attention.
“Okay, great. I’ll bring some Chinese food and we can watch movies. It’ll be fun!” Mom enthused.
“Sounds great. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”
“All right, sweetie. I love you.”
My heart constricted painfully at those three little words. She said them casually. Almost dismissively.
“I love you too,” I responded. There was nothing casual or dismissive when I said it. Those words counted. Each and every time.
I hung up with my mother, feeling neither good nor bad. Which was the usual. Most times she left me…indecisive.
My life had been filled with transient relationships. I cared intensely. But for only brief periods of time. Some of that was because of me.
Some of it wasn’t.
I had long since lost touch with my friends from high school. I hadn’t spoken to Amanda Decker since graduation. I had a few friends in college, but nothing substantial.
My marriage was over and my current friendships with Lee and Tess were for the meantime.
I didn’t purposefully keep people at arm’s length. I’d only adopted that particular trait in the later part of my life.
I had grown up clinging to the people I loved. Even when I knew that holding on was useless.
But the most significant relationships in my life had occurred during a very short period of time.
Yoss. Di. Shane. Bug.
And I had lost each and every one of them.
So at some point along the way that need to hold on had changed. Altered. Twisted to fit this new, not so shiny version of myself.
Permanence was the thing I’d spent most of my life chasing. It’s why I stayed in my job. In my house. In my hometown. I was desperate for roots. But I was also ill-equipped to nurture the relationships in my life that could ground me.
I would never tell my mother all the horrible, hostile thoughts in my heart because as much as she had hurt me, I needed her constancy. Yet I knew that I had never really allowed her back into my life. We spoke on the phone, she came over to visit, but I wasn’t willing to let her in.
Because the girl who had once embraced the people in her life with open arms had grown into a terrified woman. Scared of being abandoned, I put on a smile and hid behind walls that were easy to build but felt impossible to take down.
“Imogen, hello!” Jason called out as I walked into my office. The familiar click clacking of his shoes on the tile floor echoed down the hall as he followed me.
I dropped my purse on the desk and immediately turned on my computer. I was feeling antsy.
I wanted to get up to the ICU to see Yoss.
Every day since he had been admitted I rushed through my job duties, wanting to get to that moment where I’d walk into his room and see him.
I needed the reminder that I hadn’t imagined him.
Because I had done a lot of that over the years.
Imagining.
“Hey, Jason. How are you?” I said offhandedly, hoping whatever it was, didn’t require a long, lengthy discussion.
“I wanted to talk to you about that new case you were given,” he said, bringing me up short.
“My new case?” I asked, feeling myself tense.
“Yossarian Frazier in ICU,” Jason continued, clicking a pen with fidgety fingers.
“What about him?” I was going for blasé. I was pretty sure I sounded mildly high. I picked up my go-to coffee cup and readied myself to make my escape.
“Tracey Higgins called.”
I groaned and Jason smiled. “No need to tell you that she was less than pleasant,” he continued.
“What was she complaining about this time?”
I picked up my case files and stood by my desk, restless to leave.
“She says you’ve been blocking her coordination efforts. I told her that didn’t sound like you at all,” Jason went on.
I sighed. I hadn’t thought about calling Tracey in again because Yoss had been insistent he didn’t want her services. I had called her the day following her visit to let her know as much. She hadn’t been very nice about it, but that was to be expected.
“You can’t force services on people that don’t want them, Tracey,” I had told her with just a hint of condescension.
“Well what’s a man like that going to do, Imogen? Where will he go? You should insist on him coming to the shelter! You know what happens to the people out on the streets. They die! Do you want that man to die?” she had asked in frantic annoyance.
She was over the top and overly dramatic. But her question hit me all the same.
Where will he go?
The truth was I hadn’t thought much about service plans and outreach, my head and my heart were mixed up in rediscovering the man I had lost.
But that wasn’t right. I had to think about his future. What he was going to do. His situation was precarious. I had to stop thinking about me and my heart and start thinking about what was best for Yoss.
“He doesn’t want to go to the Salvation Army, Jason. And he was very antagonistic towards her. As you know, Tracey’s style can be off putting for a lot of people. And I’m not going to push services down his throat if he doesn’t want them. That’s not how we work, you know that. It has to be Mr. Fraizer’s choice.”
“I know that. You know that. But Tracey is a community resource we can’t alienate. We have to make it out like we’re on the same team. Half of this job is playing nice with the other people at the table.”
“I know. I’ll do better next time,” I muttered. Jason patted my back in a fatherly gesture. He wasn’t wearing his hairpiece today. He seemed to finally be embracing his male pattern baldness.
“How are you, Im? You seem happier,” he noted, regarding me closely.
How was I?
What a loaded question.
But it was easy to answer.
For once I could give him 100% honesty.
“I’m good, Jason. Really, really good.”
And it was true.
For reasons I wouldn’t share with my boss.
“New man?” Jason asked with a cheeky grin.
I laughed but didn’t answer.
I wouldn’t tell him it wasn’t a new man that had me smiling for the first time in years.
It was the second chance that seemed to have fallen from the sky.
One that was all wrapped up in the man I thought I had lost.
Yoss was sitting up in bed when I finally arrived. Jason had been too chatty to get away from him quickly.
“What are you doing? You’re still recovering from the biopsy!” I exclaimed as Yoss swung his feet around and attempted to get to his feet. He hung onto th
e IV pole to try to get his balance, his legs obviously weak.
“I’m sick and tired of lying around in this bed, waiting for bad news. I want to get up and move around. It’s been three days since the biopsy. I’m fine,” he grunted, hoisting himself upright. As he did so, his hospital gown opened in the back, revealing parts of him I hadn’t seen in a very long time.
I felt myself flush and quickly looked away.
“You might want to put a robe on,” I suggested, covering my mouth with my hand so he didn’t see my silly grin.
Yoss peered over his shoulder. “What? You don’t think people would appreciate a nice view of my very white ass? You seem to like the view.”
I coughed loudly, not able to believe what he had just said. He laughed. His eyes crinkling in the corners, his lips curved upward. “Busted,” he said.
I rolled my eyes but then grinned back.
“Well, if you want to channel your inner exhibitionist, I’m sure there’s a nurse or two who’d like the eyeful. It would probably be the most excitement they’d have all year. But I’m thinking it’ll be on the drafty side.” Yoss continued to hang onto the IV pole, barely able to stand, let alone walk anywhere. “Are you sure you’re up to this? I can get a wheelchair—” I started to suggest, but Yoss cut me off.
“I can do it. I’m not six feet under yet.” He was being flippant. And I didn’t find his comment very funny. His morbid attempt at humor left me cold.
I cleared my throat, all mirth draining from me, and I grabbed a robe from the bathroom. “Here, put this on.”
“Uh. Do you think you could help me put it on?” he asked with a shy smile and my mood lifted again. Yoss had always been able to twist and turn my emotions into any given direction. I was quickly learning that some of his talents were getting better with age.
“Sure.” I held out the robe and carefully pulled it up one of his arms before doing the same with the other side. He tied it as quickly as he was able, while still holding onto the IV pole.
“Okay, I’m decent. I think it’s safe to leave the room now.” Yoss tried to take a step forward and stumbled a bit. He grimaced. “I guess I’m a little out of practice with the whole walking thing,” he joked, though he sounded strained.
“Let me help you.” I looped one arm around his waist, trying to ignore the way he tensed and started to pull away. “It’s either this or the wheelchair. Your choice,” I warned.
He hesitated only a moment before he leaned into me. My heart kicked into overdrive. With my other hand I supported his arm. “I’ve got you,” I said quietly, briefly closing my eyes as he pressed against me. His body heat all but burning my skin.
“I know,” Yoss replied just as softly.
Loaded words.
Honest words.
I swallowed thickly and looked away from his green, green eyes. “Well, come on then.”
Yoss, after a few shaky steps, finally gripped my hand and leaned into me, just slightly. “Take it easy, we’re not running a marathon here,” I teased as we ventured out into the noisy ICU.
“It’s a good thing too, or I’d be losing big time,” Yoss quipped.
Several nurses looked our way as we started moving down the hallway in slow, even steps. I glanced at Leanne, one of the nurses on duty, and nodded. “I’m just taking Mr. Frazier on a bit of a walk. He was going stir crazy. Dr. Howell had mentioned a little physical activity would be good for him once the incision healed.”
Leanne nodded. “Of course. Just don’t overdo it, Mr. Frazier,” she lectured.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Yoss muttered.
“So where to?” I asked as we stopped in front of the elevator.
Yoss looked out the window. It was sunny, showing the first signs of spring. Even though it was still colder than normal for the time of year, the sky was blue and flowers were starting to bloom.
“Is there any way I can get outside for a bit?” he asked wistfully.
“It’s chilly today,” I warned, the two of us stepping into the empty elevator.
“I just want to smell something besides hospital for a few minutes.” Yoss rested against the wall.
“If it’s only for a few minutes, I suppose we can go to the small café up on ninth. There’s a balcony that overlooks the park,” I suggested, hitting the button that would take us to the top floor.
“Any chance I could talk my way into a cup of coffee? Or a cigarette?” Yoss asked, giving me that genuine smile I had fallen in love with all those years ago.
“I had hoped you’d have quit that nasty habit by now,” I scolded.
“I did. Years ago. But sometimes I still crave the nicotine.”
“Oh, well I’m glad you quit. I always hated when you smoked,” I admitted.
Yoss raised his eyebrows. “Really? You never said anything.”
I shrugged but didn’t respond.
Yoss cocked his head to the side and regarded me. It was an intense sort of stare that had me wanting to fidget.
“Sometimes I see you and I forget that we’re not kids anymore. Because even though you don’t quite look the same, you’re still so much like the sixteen-year-old Imi I knew.” His expression was reflective. Haunted. It chilled me and warmed me at the same time.
“I look at you and I see the girl I would have killed for. The girl I loved to the ends of this fucked up, messed up world. But then I see your eyes and I realize you’re not that girl. Not really. Sure, I recognize the hair. The eyes. The dimple in your chin. But you’re different now.”
His words broke me. I wanted to cry and scream that of course I was different.
When he left me, he had shattered me at an impressionable age that you don’t always come back from.
Most people get over their first loves. They picked up the pieces and moved on.
That hadn’t been possible for me.
Because what Yoss and I had shared was more than first love.
It was deeper than adolescent lust and affection.
It had been soul changing.
Life altering.
It had been a reckless attachment during bleak, dangerous times. It had been a light in a murky darkness that had almost consumed us both.
I had gotten away, but I had left my heart behind.
Yoss had stayed and had apparently buried his heart deep.
We were both different.
I wasn’t sure either of us could ever go back to the people we had once been. Nor did I necessarily think we should try. Those kids had been foolish, careless, ruled by bad decisions and wild emotions.
But we had loved each other with a ferocity that I hadn’t felt since.
“Of course I’m different. People change, Yoss. It has been fifteen years,” I pointed out sharply, crossing my arms over my chest and almost wishing someone would get on the damn elevator. It was unusually empty for that time of day.
“The first thing I ever noticed about you was your eyes. You looked at me and that was it,” he mused, running his fingers over the healing scratches. His swelling had gone down days ago and the bruises were starting to fade. He had grown a thick scruff on his chin that gave him a rugged appearance, completely unlike how I was used to seeing him. But the evidence of his experience was in the hesitance of his movements, the stitches healing on his arms and on his head.
It was in the blank hardness in his deep, green eyes.
But right now, his eyes weren’t blank or hard.
They were gentle.
Tender.
They were lost in things I could never, ever forget.
The elevator doors opened and we were interrupted as people filed in. I made sure to stay close to Yoss so that he wouldn’t get jostled about as the space became more crowded.
I noticed that he leaned in slightly, turning his head so that his nose brushed against my hair. “But maybe some of you is still the same, Imi. I hope so. I really hope so,” he whispered and I couldn’t help but shiver.
I didn’t say an
ything. Yoss moved away slightly. As much as he was able to while surrounded by people.
When we reached the ninth floor, I helped him off the elevator. We moved slowly. One step at a time.
I led him to the glass doors at the back of the café and held it open for him to step out onto the balcony. It was cold. The wind had picked up, blowing my hair in my face. The view wasn’t anything spectacular. We could see the small park behind the hospital and the giant parking lot. We could hear the distant noise of the highway.
“It’s pretty cold out here, maybe we should go back inside,” I suggested, watching Yoss as he walked to the railing.
“Just a few minutes. Let me enjoy the fresh air.”
“Okay. Only a few minutes though.” I watched him look out at the world below.
“Did you ever get to the beach?” he asked out of the blue, surprising me.
I wrapped my arms around my middle, berating myself for not wearing a coat, hoping that if I ignored his question, he would forget he asked it.
I should have known better.
Yoss glanced back at me over his shoulder, his hands gripping the railing, his eyes piercing and intense. “Did you, Imi? Did you walk on the sand the way we talked about?”
I bit down on my bottom lip, trying to rein in the regret and anger. “No, Yoss, I never made it to the beach.”
Yoss frowned. “Why not?”
I walked up to the edge of the small balcony and leaned over, the wind frigid on my face. “Because life gets in the way sometimes. You should know that better than anyone.”
“You’re happy though. You have a good job. You have a house and a car and friends. Right?” He sounded strange. More than curious. Not quite frantic.
“I have a good job. A house. A car. A friend or two, I guess.” I didn’t sound convincing.
Yoss picked up on it immediately.
“You were supposed to find your happy life, Imi.” He sounded accusatory. As though I had done something wrong. As if by not going to the beach, I had let him down in some way. It irritated me.
But it also made me feel ashamed. Because even though I loved my job, I had very little else to show for myself.
My marriage had failed. I didn’t have any children. Sure, my mother and I were on better terms, but that really depended on the day.
One Day Soon Page 14