There was a knock on the bathroom door and I heard Yoss calling my name.
“Imogen. Are you okay? What’s wrong?” I felt him pull me into his arms and I sobbed harder.
“I know, baby, I know,” he crooned in my ear. “I know.”
“There’s soap,” I sniffled when I could speak. “And shampoo and towels.” I sat back and wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I’m sitting here happy because I get to sleep in a bed and Bug is dead. What is wrong with me? What sort of person thinks like that?” I was close to hysterics. My brain was short-circuiting.
“It’s okay, Imi. There’s nothing wrong with you.” He kissed my cheeks. My nose. My quivering lips. He took my hands and held them to his mouth. “We will cry for Bug. We will grieve. And we will be warm and comfortable and happy that for tonight we’re safe. We’ll do that together.”
The tears fell harder and faster. I couldn’t stop them. All of the ugly, all of the horror came rushing over me and it was too much.
Yoss turned on the shower, the hot steam filling the bathroom. “You’ll feel better once you’re clean,” he murmured. “Do you need me to help you?”
I shook my head. I needed a few moments to myself. To try to get myself together.
“Okay, I’ll be right out here if you need me.” Yoss kissed me again and quietly left the bathroom.
It took me several tries to get my clothes off. My jeans were stiff from dirt and my T-shirt ripped as I pulled it over my head. I stood in front of the mirror in my bra and underwear. My ribs stood out beneath my stretched, pale skin. Any curves I used to have were long gone. Lost with the weight I had shed due to lack of food and constant stress.
I barely knew the girl that stared back at me. She was a far cry from the young woman who left her mother’s house all those months ago.
She was older.
She had seen things she would never unsee.
Her eyes were lost.
I grabbed the soap, shampoo, and disposable razor on the sink and got in the shower, the tears falling again at the feel of the warm water on my back.
I let the hot spray wash away more than the dirt. Something had to change. This life wasn’t the one I wanted for Yoss and me.
I thought about Bug and the future he’d never have.
But Yoss and I would be different.
We had to be.
There was a new story that we needed to tell.
Because our love needed a happy ending.
Present
Yoss slept for hours after we got back to my house. I cleaned up a little and put Yoss’s clothes in the washing machine. I carefully went through each item and was glad to see that a lot of them looked okay. The jeans were in fairly good shape and the flannels and sweatshirts, while stained, were in one piece.
There wasn’t a lot of clothing and I was able to get everything in one load.
After that I straightened up the living room as much as I was able to. I looked around at all the clutter and knew I needed to do something about my hoarding. Maybe it was time to get rid of a few things.
I knew why I held onto everything, but that didn’t mean I should.
At the end of the day, they were only things. It didn’t make my life any less empty. It didn’t fill the void that only one person could fill.
I boxed up a bunch of knickknacks and put them by the front door. I had a mild panic attack as I started clearing off my windowsills and end tables, but when I was finished it looked a lot better.
As I waited for Yoss’s clothes to finish in the wash, I decided to turn on a movie. Twenty minutes into Bedknobs and Broomsticks, I was passed out on the couch.
It was dark when I woke up and I realized I was no longer alone. I sat up, wiping my eyes. Yoss was watching A Street Car Named Desire, his legs stretched out in front of him.
“How long was I asleep?” I asked groggily, turning on the lamp behind me.
“I’ve already watched The Black Cauldron, Labyrinth, and now I’m halfway through this one. So I’d say five hours or so. I guess you needed the rest.” Yoss paused the movie and put the remote on the coffee table.
“I feel totally out of it,” I grumbled, trying to smooth out my hair and running my tongue over my teeth, which were feeling fuzzy. “You should have woken me up.” I looked at the clock on my phone and saw that it was past seven. “Are you hungry? I should make dinner. I was thinking chicken and rice.”
“I’m fine. I’m not hungry at all. It’s been nice sitting here watching movies while you slept. Feels sort of normal,” he chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. “I forgot how much you snore though.”
I glared at him. “I do not snore.”
Yoss smirked. “I’ll never tell.”
“You seem better. Are you feeling alright?” I asked him.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I told you it was just too much pizza,” he responded shortly.
“Did you take your medicine?” I was nagging him. But I wouldn’t stop worrying about him.
“You don’t need to watch over me, Imogen. I’m a big boy.” Yoss sounded slightly annoyed, but gave me a small smile.
“Crap. I need to put your clothes in the dryer.” I jumped up and hurried to the laundry room, quickly shoving Yoss’s clothes into the dryer and turning it on. When I returned to the living room, Yoss had turned on a few more lights and the television was off.
“You didn’t have to do my laundry,” he said after I sat back down.
“It was no big deal. I’m happy to do it.” I waved away his protestations.
Yoss picked at a spot on his jeans. A nervous gesture that I recognized. “What exactly is the plan here?” he asked.
I frowned. “The plan?”
“Yeah, how long am I going to stay in your guest room? This can’t be an indefinite thing, Imogen. You have a life. A job. Friends. This entire situation is weird.” Pick. Pick. Pick.
“It’s weird being here?” I asked softly, honing in on that one particular sentence.
“Isn’t it? I mean you haven’t seen me in over fifteen years, now here I am, sleeping in your spare room, watching movies on your couch as if we were old friends simply catching up. As if the last time we were together we hadn’t been making plans to be together forever. As if we hadn’t been together during the absolute worst and best time in our lives.”
I sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. “Yes. It’s strange,” I agreed.
Yoss dropped his hand from his jeans and sat up straight. “I should go—”
“You never let me finish, Yoss. You have a really bad habit of interrupting me,” I chastised and he gave me a half smile.
“Yeah, I think you’ve said that a few times before.”
“A lot of time has passed. There are a lot of unanswered questions, but I think you came back into my life just when I needed you.” I met his eyes. “When I needed to remember what it was like to care about something. About someone. I think I’ve forgotten how.”
I turned on the couch so that I was facing him. I pulled my legs underneath me. “I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay here. With me. I want to help you, if you’ll let me. I want to make you comfortable and safe. I want us to do all of the things we were supposed to do fifteen years ago.”
Yoss shook his head. “I don’t think—”
“Don’t do that, Yoss. Don’t start thinking of a million reasons why you shouldn’t. I don’t know everything that’s happened to you, or all that you’ve been through, but I can tell you that for me, the last fifteen years haven’t been the greatest. You see the house and the job and you think that I’ve had it good. Well you’re wrong. And I think being together is the way to make it better.”
Yoss gazed at me, his green eyes full of things I had never forgotten. That I had hoped I’d see again. “How do you do it, Imogen?”
“What?”
“Believe in the fairytale?”
“You told me once that you don’t need to have a great life. Just a happy one. I want tha
t for you. The happy life.”
Yoss closed his eyes. “I can’t let you take care of me. I have to contribute,” he argued.
“What you need to do is focus on your health. The rest will come later. This is a second chance, Yoss. For both of us.”
“A second chance,” he repeated.
“Yes. To do things right.”
“I tried do things right once before, you know,” he went on. “I’ll get a job. I’ll go back to my old boss at the apartment complex. Maybe he has more work for me. I’ll find something. Something legit.” Legit. He didn’t have to explain why that one detail was important.
I noticed a spot of red dripping from his nose. My heart hammered in my chest. “Yoss, your nose is bleeding.” I handed him a tissue and he wiped it away.
“Thanks,” he muttered, dabbing at the blood that continued to flow. He pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned his head forward. After a few minutes he sat up again and crumpled the tissue in his hand. He had a note of panic on his face as he wiped away the rest of the blood. “I’ll be right back. Just going to flush this and clean up.” He quickly got to his feet and hurried towards the bathroom.
I didn’t want to make a big deal out of a bloody nose, but for someone like Yoss it was a big deal.
It could be a matter of life and death.
A sign that shouldn’t be ignored.
From the fear on Yoss’s face, he knew that too.
I should make him go to the hospital to get checked out. His earlier nausea and now the nosebleed were bad signs.
But when Yoss came back a few minutes later, he was carrying the skates from his bedroom. I decided to hold my tongue for the time being. He wore an almost defiant expression and I knew that for now, he needed something else.
“What are you doing with those?” I asked in surprise.
“I thought I’d knit a sweater.” Yoss rolled his eyes. “What do you think? We’re going roller-skating.”
“I haven’t been in roller skates since my seventeenth birthday.” I shook my head when he tried to hand them to me.
“Well then I think it’s time for you to try it out again. I thought it would be nice to put these to use. To have a little fun.”
I was hit with a wave of déjà vu.
“Happy Birthday, Imi.”
Shane’s laughter. Karla’s annoyance. Di’s grin a mile wide. Bug giving me his Zippo lighter, one of the few things he truly valued.
Yoss quickly put one of the pairs on, tying them sloppily before dropping to his knees in front of me. He grinned as he looked up at me, his lean face lit up as he picked up my foot and slid it into the roller skate in his hand.
“I can do that,” I remarked, my face flaming hot.
“So can I,” Yoss retorted, his hand wrapping around my other ankle as he put the second skate on my foot.
“Are we going to skate around the living room?” I laughed a little breathlessly when he was finished tying the skates.
“Your driveway is pretty level. It’s as good a place as any to get our skate on,” Yoss suggested, holding my hand as I got to my feet.
“If I break something, it’s your fault,” I warned, echoing words I said long ago.
He leaned in close. So close his lips almost touched my cheek. “Just hold on. I won’t let you go.”
We fell into a heap on the ground.
“Ouch,” I ground, rubbing my hip, which had collided with the concrete. Yoss was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.
“The way you were whirling your arms, I thought you were going to take off!”
I gave him a playful shove. “I wasn’t the one who ricocheted off the garage door.” I stuck out my tongue.
Yoss leaned forward and kissed me quickly on the mouth, startling us both. I sat with my mouth slightly agape and he looked away shyly.
“Shit. I forgot how much fun I could have with you,” Yoss said, his cheeks flushed, his eyes sparkling.
“Yeah, I forgot how much fun I could be,” I grinned, still relishing the sensation of his lips on mine.
Yoss leaned back on his hands and stretched out his legs, crossing them at the ankle. “Tell me about a time you smiled,” he said suddenly.
I propped my elbow on my knee and cupped my chin. “What?” I asked with an amused grin.
“I know you can’t be super serious Imi all the time. I seem to remember a girl who would jump into the river with all her clothes on. So come on, tell me something fun.” He poked me in the side and I squirmed.
I swatted his hand as he tried to poke me again. “Sorry, can’t say I have any good stories to share. I’m pretty boring actually.”
Yoss raised an eyebrow. “I know that’s not true. You’re the furthest thing from boring.” He slowly got back to his feet and started skating backwards ever so slowly. “A road trip? A cool place you’ve visited?”
I chewed on my bottom lip and thought hard, wanting to give him something.
“One time I snuck backstage at a concert to meet the band. This was before I graduated from high school. A friend of mine, Amanda, dragged me to see some really bad rock group. She was crazy about them. They were horrible.” I made a face.
“This sounds promising.” Yoss rubbed his hands together.
“Yeah, well Amanda was always a little crazier than I was. Though I think I surprised her with my level of nuttiness the day I left home and ended up down by the bridge,” I chuckled. “Anyway, we pretended we were the lead singer’s cousins. Had the security guard convinced we had flown in from Topeka to see him. Amanda put on the water works and made a show of ‘calling her mom’ saying she couldn’t get back to see him. He let us through just to stop us from making a scene.”
Yoss clapped his hands together. “See! That’s what I’m talking about!” He reached out and pulled me back to my feet. My skates slid out underneath me and I had to grab ahold of him so I wouldn’t fall again. “What’s your favorite place you’ve visited?” he asked me. We were so close that his breath fanned across my face.
“I went skiing,” I told him.
His eyes crinkled as he smiled. “You finally got to go huh?”
“Yeah. Chris and I went for our honeymoon.” Yoss’s smile dimmed slightly at the mention of my ex. “Never mind,” I mumbled.
Yoss squeezed my hands. “No. Tell me. I want to hear about your first skiing trip.”
“It was a disaster. Chris was an excellent skier. I spent the entire trip on the bunny slope.” I grimaced. “But it was really fun.” I had a thought. “We could go skiing! Rent a place and spend the weekend. It would be great!”
Yoss held his arms out as I tried to skate on my own. “That sounds like a plan,” he agreed.
“There are so many things I’d like us to do together. Promises we need to keep,” I said, finally able to stand upright in my skates.
“I’d like that, Imi. I really would. One day soon we’ll do all the things we talked about when we were just silly kids dreaming away our time.” Yoss stopped and watched me wobble around, slowly gaining confidence.
“One day soon,” I echoed.
I carefully slid along in my skates, even doing a little turn with a hand flourish when I was finished.
“Tada!” I laughed.
“I think you’ve got this. I knew you would.” Yoss grinned.
I grinned.
I was pretty sure our one day soon had already begun.
“Do you want a cup of tea?” I asked after we had finished skating. Yoss closed the kitchen door and lined his skates up against the wall.
“Sure, tea sounds good.” He was in a good mood. It was nice to see.
I brewed the kettle and got two teacups from the cabinet.
“This is exactly what I always imagined home to feel like,” Yoss said, taking the cookie tin I handed him and sitting down at the table.
“Me too,” I agreed. I poured the tea and put milk and sugar in each mug. Then I sprinkled a little cinnamon on top before joining him.
Yoss took his cup and smiled at my added touches. “This is great. Thank you.”
“So, I’ve told you some of my fun stories. What about you? I want to hear about some of yours,” I said, taking a chocolate chip cookie from the tin.
Yoss frowned, sipping on his tea. “I’ve never been skiing or snuck backstage at a concert, I’m afraid.”
“Remember something that made you smile, Yoss. It can’t have been all bad.”
I hoped it hadn’t.
Yoss stirred his tea and looked thoughtful. “That day at the flea market was pretty amazing. I think that was one of the happiest times I can remember.”
My heart simultaneously soared and fell.
I loved that I was his happiest memory. I hated that they were the only ones he could recall.
“What about after I…after you…” I stumbled over my words, struggling. “Something after me,” I finally got out.
Yoss was quiet for a while, slowly stirring his tea.
He looked up at me after some time had passed, his green eyes intense. “Right now,” he said. “Right now is my best story.”
This man had the power to break my heart in so many ways.
It splintered and fractured. His truth hurt.
“There’s nothing else? Nothing from the last fifteen years that made you smile?” I pushed.
Yoss rolled his hand over and threaded his fingers through mine. “Knowing you were safe. Knowing you were living your life. That made me smile.”
I leaned across the table and cupped the back of his head, pulling him forward. Our lips met half way.
“You’re my smile, Imi. Always have been.” He kissed me with abandon. A passion unleashed. “Always will be,” he murmured into my mouth.
Somehow we got to our feet. A moan tore from my throat and we were both on our feet, arms wrapped around each other, crushed in the tightest embrace.
His teeth nipped at my lips. My tongue swept over his. His fingers dug into my back. My hands clutched his shirt.
Yoss walked me across the room, never breaking our kiss. My back collided with the counter and he helped me up so that I could wrap my legs around his waist. I could feel him against me. Hard and wanting.
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