I was too stunned to answer at first, I couldn’t believe Dad was still up waiting for me to get home like he cared. I slipped off my shoes and looked at him. His red hair was unkempt and he was wearing his sleeping clothes. He had lost weight in the last year. “Don’t worry, we aren’t together,” I muttered. “I went to a bonfire and drank a few, so Noah thought he had to show up and bring me home.” He nodded and it made me angry. “What? You’re not gonna get angry that I was out drinking?” I laughed sadly. “You really don’t care at all anymore, do you?”
I didn’t wait for him to reply.
_____
The next morning, Dad stepped into my bedroom and sat down on my bed. I gave him a wide-eyed look as I peeled my hair from my face. He placed a bank book in front of me. “It’s your savings account that your mom and I made for you when you were little. I should have told you about it once you turned eighteen,” he mumbled as he got back off the bed quickly.
“I didn’t know I had one,” I told him.
“Your mom didn’t want you to know. It was meant to be a graduation present.” He placed his hands in his pockets and looked at the picture of me and her on my nightstand next to another one of me and Noah when we were kids. “I’ll buy you a vehicle for graduation, something I’ll be comfortable with you driving all year round.”
I raised up and frowned. “I don’t understand…”
“You’re planning on going to college somewhere other than here, ain’t you?” he asked. “I heard bits and pieces last night… your conversation with Noah.”
“That’s not what I mean.” I sighed. “I mean, why are you suddenly doing this? That eager to get rid of me?” It hurt even more to say the words.
He walked toward the door. “I don’t know how to be, Grace, your mom took care of you and me both. I miss her so bad I can’t stand it.” He hurried back out the door no sooner than he said what he wanted to say.
He brought me home a white Ford Escape the following week and handed over the keys. The money Mom and Dad had saved up for me since birth was enough to do me for years, but I had already decided that I would search for a job once I moved to Kentucky. I decided on an out-of-state college. It wasn’t about the school as much as it was just wanting to get away from Dad and all these memories. It also hadn’t been easy to find an apartment that allowed dogs. I couldn’t leave Gus behind.
I spent my summer hanging out with Tiffany and Sara before we all went our separate ways. I didn’t talk to Noah anymore, but I kept up with him on Facebook.
Then fall arrived, and Gus and I were gone.
Only a few days after we settled into our apartment, there was a knock on the door. When I opened it, I was surprised to see a familiar face.
“Dustin?”
And, so college life began.
Life without Noah and Mom was...
34
She leaves, taking my hopes and dreams, my very future with her. I let her go because I think she’ll come back. I trust that I’m somehow embedded into her so deeply that she can’t stay gone too long, even with her ugly thoughts, the ones that are making her run from me.
I don’t let it eat at me like she does. If I did, then there would be no one to fight for us, and what we have, what I feel, and what I know she feels, is worth fighting for.
I’ll keep my promises.
Even when I know that she’s going to try to erase me with another guy’s touch. The very thought rips my chests open and I feel like murdering something. I still believe, no I fucking pray, that no one can ever do her like I can because I cherish every damn part of her, inside and out.
____
My dad finally gave me the push I needed to leave him behind, let him go, and set myself free of my childhood. The day I found out what Grace kept from me, the fact that he had harassed her for money when we were together… I clocked him in the jaw and said the same words to him that I said to him when I was thirteen, the night Mom passed away, only this time I meant them.
I’m furious but that small bit I didn’t know, renews my faith in Grace coming back to me. She waited for me once, she looked for me, and she put up with John with no plans of telling me because she loves me.
That’s what people that love each other do. That’s not what my parents taught me, that’s what Grace shows me.
_____
I live and breathe for what Grace shows me through Facebook. With every post, every picture or status update with hidden meanings, I feel like she’s secretly reaching out and communicating. My necklace is right where it’s always been, around her neck in every picture she posts.
_____
She keeps showing and giving over the Internet. I only smile because I know what she’s doing. She wants me to see, so she shows me in a way that makes it look like she’s not. It keeps her safe without having to admit it to me or herself.
She keeps me updated, yet I give her nothing online in hopes that curiosity will bring her back.
____
I’m one step closer to our future. Another few steps and she’ll force me to come get her if she doesn’t give in soon.
Life without Grace was… planning all the ways to get her back.
N.P.
Finale:
Catching Grace
35
Grace age 22
Noah age 23
Grace is graduating this week. I won’t go see her, even though I want to. I’m almost ready to go get her. Just a few more things and I’ll be completely prepared. She’s not faded from my thoughts at all, and I’m willing to throw my heart and soul out there once again in hopes that it reaches her this time. I’m coming… soon, whether she likes it or not.
I’ve let her run, now it’s time to catch her. Days aren’t guaranteed, we should both know that given everything with her mom and mine, I don’t want to waste another year letting her hideaway in guilt.
I want her in my arms.
N.P.
“Here you go, Ms. Harper,” Jimmy said, handing me a piece of paper. I looked down and saw that he was giving me a goodbye note. Within the next few classes, I would receive even more papers or hugs from the students I had been with the past semester. Today was the last day of the school year.
A girl named Sarah almost tackled me with a hug last period. “Are you going to be back next year?” she asked me.
I smiled. “I don’t know,” I told her honestly.
“You’re really cool,” she told me and I beamed from the compliments all these fourth and fifth graders were giving me.
After the last class ended, Mr. Collins walked up to me with a smile. “So, you’re not going to take the job they’ve offered you?” He went straight for the kill.
I picked up my purse from the desk. “I don’t know…”
“Sounds like you do know,” he said with a grin. He offered his hand out to me and I took it. “It was a pleasure having you with us this semester if I don’t see you back in the fall.”
“I’m glad I was able to student-teach under you,” I replied. “You made it easy for me.”
He chuckled and walked out of the school building with me. “You’re a natural,” he told me. “You said your mom was a teacher, didn’t you?”
I nodded. “She was.”
There was a thumping sound coming from someone’s speakers as we stepped into the heat, and my eyes scanned the parking lot and hardened on my Escape. I waited until Mr. Collins said goodbye and left before I headed down the steps to my vehicle that wasn’t going to have any speakers left in it if Dustin didn’t stop headbanging in the driver’s seat. He saw me coming and grinned as he turned it down.
“Well, hello, Ms. Harper,” he chirped as I climbed in the passenger. “Any love notes on the last day?” he asked.
“Could you be any more embarrassing?” I huffed as I buckled up. “Even though this was my last day student-teaching, I still don’t want to leave a bad impression.” He laughed as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Do you work today too?�
� He nodded. We both worked at Applebee’s together. “Rachel drive your truck to work today?” Another nod from him.
Rachel was Dustin’s girlfriend and our third roommate but I guess she wasn’t really a roommate since she slept in the same room as Dustin. Yes, Dustin moved in with me a few days after showing up at my door. Turned out, he was going to this college as well and only found out that I was here too by Tiffany. We built an unlikely friendship over the last few years. It was just me and him until last year when he met Rachel. I’d never seen him so smitten and it made me happy to see the growth in his character since him and I dated.
After work, I let Dustin drive us home because my feet were killing me from waiting tables but the hundred and fifty dollars in tips had been worth it. I normally didn’t get this much unless it was the weekend. “How much did you make?” I asked him.
“Eighty-seven,” he told me.
“One-fifty for me,” I bragged, sticking my tongue out.
“Must be nice to have tits,” he muttered and I laughed. “Grace.” I looked over at him when he spoke. “Are you going back home now?” My stomach knotted at his words.
“Why are you asking?” I tucked my hair behind my ear.
“When is the last time you’ve talked to your dad? How about Noah?” I looked ahead to ignore him. “And no, stalking his Facebook is not talking to him.” I felt the red splash my cheeks. “You’re finished with college now, it’s over for you. What are you going to do now? You look happy again, why aren’t you going back?” He kept bombarding me with questions I didn’t know how to answer.
“What about you? When are you going back?” I dodged the questions.
He shook his head as he stared at the road. “I’m different… But if you want to know, I’m thinking about asking Rachel if she’d come back home with me after she finishes up school.”
Wow, that was huge. “She’d faint if she heard you talking about your future with her in it.”
He smiled like a person in love. “Yeah, I know.”
“You’re stupidly good at making her think that you don’t care as much as you do… When in fact you’re totally in love with her.”
He looked over at me with a cheesy grin. “I’ll let her know one day, that she’s got me wrapped around her finger, unlike Noah who spilled his heart out only to have you run from him.”
I stopped smiling. “Stop. You know how I feel and why I made the choice to break up with him.”
He nodded. “That burden you feel, I can imagine it’s heavy but from an outsider’s point of view, it’s total bullshit. Your mom wouldn’t want you unhappy. She loved you and it wasn’t just you I saw her look after in school. She looked after him too.”
I knew he was right about Mom wanting me to be happy, and I also knew she cared for Noah… at this point, the guilt I felt didn’t really feel like guilt, it just left me with this confused, dull feeling inside me. I thought about what it might be like to go back home and see Noah, but that meant facing Dad again and also dealing with the possibility that Noah and I might really be over.
I didn’t miss him as much as I used to. Even my obsession with checking on him through Facebook felt like a habit. He never posted anything about his life so I didn’t know if he was seeing anyone. I did know that he created a Facebook page for all his wood carvings, only these days he kept to the big stuff that he made from logs. I left all mine at Dad’s when I left.
“If Noah feels the way I do lately, then maybe we’ve truly grown apart and we can move on from each other,” I mumbled softly.
He burst out laughing and I glared at him. “You’re not serious, are you? Then why haven’t you dated?”
“I did go out with that Matt guy,” I told him.
“Once,” he pointed out. “You look like you were going to throw a punch when he tried to come inside after the date.”
“Because he kissed like a blowfish,” I muttered, getting all riled up that he was bringing up my lack of dating.
“Just face it, your body won’t betray your feelings for Noah even though you’ve convinced yourself your feelings for him have dulled, they haven’t. You just haven’t been around him to get the full Noah-effect he has on you.” I rolled my eyes at that one. “Don’t even pretend, I’ve seen you two from the sidelines our entire lives so I know.”
I grabbed an empty pop bottle on the floor and threw it at him. “Be quiet, stop pretending like you know stuff, you’re Dustin.”
“All right, whatever you say.”
These feelings I had for Noah were long gone, even when I sat on my bed with Gus on my lap and scrolled through Janet’s new posts. I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to be with him, I did it because it felt like I was checking up on an old friend. I jumped up when I saw that she had posted new pictures a few hours ago. They were group pictures, maybe from a cookout. I scanned the faces for Noah and fell back when none were of him. Gus yelped, I almost killed him by squashing him. I gave him a bunch of hugs and kisses while he wagged his tail and looked at me like he was trying to figure out why he deserved to get laid on.
And it definitely wasn’t Noah’s face and body I conjured up inside my head as I slipped my hand inside my shorts to find relief the nights I needed it to fall asleep.
It wasn’t.
______
The next few days were dull and meaningless. I went to work at Applebee’s and then I’d come back to the apartment where the only one who greeted me was Gus, and it was Rachel’s cries of pleasure with Dustin in the next room that kept me up at night.
I didn’t go home at all. I stayed here even in the summer months. Every summer before now, it never felt like this because I knew I’d have college that would start back up in the fall and I’d have a reason to still be here… Now everything was over and I was scared.
It was a lot easier staying away then it was going back to see the father that rarely called. I’d call him sometimes too but we were the two most awkward people on the phone with each other. It was like we lost how to be ourselves when Mom died. Then I felt even worse because I haven’t gone to see Mom’s grave once since I left town.
I also received a message from Janet, asking if I was finished with all my classes, which wasn’t unusual, she still checked in on me occasionally and even called despite the fact that I wasn’t with Noah. I had been finished with everything since last week, and that was why I was in such a funk with my life. I could stay here, I was offered a job already but I was so antsy. I didn’t feel contented and I couldn’t relax. I felt like I was a giant spring that was being held down, close to springing free—aka, me going bananas if things didn’t start to feel better, normal, or more accurately, right.
My phone woke me up super early the next morning. Instead of answering it though, I hit the ignore button but whoever it was called straight back. I groaned and pushed Gus away from my face because he kept wanting to lick me, apparently, he thought I should get up too. It took me a minute to see who was calling because my eyes were blurry from sleep, but they widened when I saw that it was Janet.
“Hello?”
“Grace.” She was crying. I raised up, feeling completely awake with her muffled voice crying in my ear.
“What’s wrong?” I asked right away.
“It’s Noah,” she started.
I grabbed my chest. “What? What do you mean? Is he okay?” Of course, I knew it must be something bad when she was crying like she was, my stomach fell to the floor.
“I don’t know, they haven’t said anything, he was at the garage when he—” She choked up again and now I was on the verge of crying. “Can you come?” she asked.
“I’m leaving now,” I murmured as I stumbled out of bed and hung up. My entire body was shaking as I tried to get to my door and caught my foot on the edge of the doorway. I hollered from the pain as I hopped and held my foot up. When would I ever stop doing this to my toes? I wasn’t going to have any left!
Dustin stumbled out of his bedroom barely awak
e. His eyes were more closed than opened when he came to check on me. “What happened?” he asked.
I dropped my foot and felt my face pinch together, the thing it did right before I burst into tears. “Noah.” I started crying real ugly and it seemed to wake him up because his eyes widened as he took a step back, holding his hands out.
“Eww, I can’t deal with your ugly crying,” he told me. “Have you finally realized how stupid you’ve been?”
Rachel crawled out of their room next. “What’s wrong, Grace?”
I started running around in circles trying to find my wallet, keys, and shoes as I cried. “Seriously, Grace, what’s wrong? You’re freakin’ me out,” Dustin said.
“Noah’s been hurt at the garage, I don’t know what’s going on. I have to go,” I told him.
“Shit,” he muttered. “Hold on, and we’ll both go. You can’t drive in your shape anyway.”
“No,” I reacted. “I want to go alone, besides we both can’t leave work.” I already had my shoes on when I bent down and picked up Gus. “Come on, boy,” I said to him as I hurried to the door.
“Why are you taking Gus?” Dustin asked. “We can watch him.”
“I’ll just take him,” I told him.
He lifted his eyebrows like he knew something but otherwise kept his mouth shut. “Be careful.”
“Yeah, let us know when you make it so that we don’t worry,” Rachel told me and I nodded.
I was a hot mess the entire trip back to Virginia. I went from crying and swerving through lanes to nodding and shaking my head, telling myself he was all right. I got so bad at one point that Gus was howling with me, crying because he sensed my distress. The radio was doing nothing to calm my brain.
I was so stupid. Why didn’t I at least talk to him? Why did I shut him out completely? Because you knew there was no such thing as being Noah’s friend, no such thing as hearing his voice, or seeing his smile without landing on his dick like the last time you encountered him, said the crappier version of me I didn’t like.
Fall From Grace Page 21