Dad took us to the cemetery in his truck, and I laughed at Gus most of the way there as he hung his head out of the window. Dad watched us from the corner of his eyes, and I thought I saw the crinkle of a smile appear on his face.
“Did you become a teacher because you wanted to, or because it was your mom’s career?” he randomly asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “A bit of both. I started out choosing education because of Mom but in the end, I stuck with it because I realized I enjoyed it.”
“You’re a lot like your mom,” he mumbled then looked at me. “A lot like me too, though, not that that’s a good thing.” I arched an eyebrow at him. “We’re both hard-headed and you’ve always gone after what you wanted just like I did with your mother when I first saw her… But now, you’re at a standstill.” I felt like his words were off, I was anything but still.
“I was offered a teaching job back in Kentucky,” I said softly.
“Are you going to take it?”
“I don’t know… What do you think?”
He exhaled. “Don’t make your choices on anyone else’s opinions, only your own. I thought I taught you that. It’s what you want, not what I or anybody else wants.”
Couldn’t he see that I wanted him to say that I could come home? That he wanted me to be here like I wanted to be here?
I looked out my window in disappointment. My chest tightened when we arrived, the thought of facing Mom in this way again brought back the sadness. Gus jumped out when I opened the door and he followed alongside Dad and I as we walked up the hill to Mom’s tombstone.
“We should have brought her flowers,” I mumbled to him once we were there.
He held his hands out and look around like he was thinking the same thing. “You’re right,” he added. We were both hopeless, I’d admit.
“Who brought those flowers?” I asked as I pointed to the fake flowers stuck into the ground. There were two different sets.
“I brought roses up here on her birthday last month, but I don’t know who brought those up here,” he told me, and I already knew who it might be. Dad saw my expression but didn’t comment on it.
“Do you think she’s disappointed in me?” I asked abruptly.
He stood still for a while. “Why would you ask that?”
“Because… I don’t remember ever being a good daughter.”
“If you were never a good daughter to us… then I was never a good husband or dad… But I happen to know that your parents never once thought of you as a bad daughter, you happen to be their entire world.” He wiped his hand across his mouth and stopped talking.
He couldn’t say things outright to me anymore, that was the way things had become between us… But what he just gave me was enough for me to show Mom a smile.
As we walked back down the hill, Dad asked again, “Why did you come back?”
I tightened my ponytail before I answered, “I thought Noah had been hurt.”
His eyes widened as he took in the news. “Well, is he okay?”
I smiled. “He’s fine, besides a broken finger.”
“Have you two kept in touch?”
“No, we didn’t.” I sounded depressed about it, and I was. I really hurt him this time, even though my goal had always been to break away from him, now that I was truly doing it, I couldn’t stand myself.
“And you came back early in the morning… without even changing out of your pajamas for Noah’s broken finger?”
I groaned. “I didn’t know anything,” I muttered, then sighed. “He’s stuck in here,” I pointed at my chest, “and he ain’t ever coming out. I can’t pull away from him completely.”
“If you loved him, you wouldn’t have been able to leave him like you did, would you?” he asked me.
“Oh.” I started laughing. “I love him, that’s always been the problem, I love him so much that it consumes me and I become reckless… That day, I begged her to let me see him, and of course, she agreed. I didn’t think she’d come to get me, not when she knew Noah was going to bring me home.”
“Stop, Grace,” he snapped. “Don’t bring up that night, don’t bring up the past, please.”
“Dad…” I met his eyes and hoped he saw my despair. “You blame me too, like I do myself, though!”
“What?” He genuinely seemed taken aback. “What are you talking about?”
“You blame me for having Mom out on the road that night, don’t you? That’s why you ignored me after she died and wanted me to leave the house?”
“Grace,” he uttered my name as he grabbed my shoulders. “Why would you even think that?”
“Because that night you told me she was coming to get me!” I yelled, tears burning my eyes.
He let go of me and brought his hands to his hair. “So… this change in you… you breaking up with Noah, all of it was because of what I said?” he asked in disbelief.
“Because my feelings for Noah always came first, and because of that, we lost Mom!” Dad looked seriously disturbed. “You distanced yourself from me because of it, how could I not feel guilty?”
“I want you to stop,” he told me. “If you’ve been living all this time feeling the way you have, your mom won’t ever forgive me, and I won’t be able to get back my relationship with my daughter.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I wish it were that easy, but I can’t just ignore this ugly feeling, not when Mom could still be here if I had just listened and stayed home and spent the weekend without Noah,” I hiccupped. “I need you to forgive me. I need Mom to forgive me. I need Noah not to love me anymore… But what if he already doesn’t? What am I going to do then?” I dropped to my knees and cried into them. Gus started whimpering and sticking his nose between my legs.
Dad pulled me up by my shoulders. “Let’s go home.”
On the drive home, I managed to pull myself together within seconds as if I hadn’t just broken down over the guilt that had been haunting me for the last few years. What was even worse was Dad’s lack of words. He still had nothing to say. I scooted up in the seat as we pulled into the driveway and spotted an old truck, my eyes moved toward the porch where Noah sat on the steps. He lifted his head up from between his knees when he saw us pull in.
“Looks like Noah,” Dad said.
I felt nervous. I thought he had been upset with me? He had every right to be… yet he was here. “Yeah,” I mumbled as I unbuckled and let Gus out.
“Why do you look so scared?” Dad asked me with a hint of a smirk I couldn’t decipher. He was just as hot and cold as I was.
“I’m not,” I huffed, low enough so that I couldn’t be heard by Noah. “I just don’t understand why he’s here…”
“He’s damn frustrating, that’s for sure,” Dad said with a sigh as he climbed out of the truck. “Noah knows what he wants and he gets it, he isn’t swayed… Which makes one wonder why he let the one thing he claimed to care about so much go? I wonder… is he gonna let you get away so easily this time?”
“Dad…” I mumbled.
“Go see what he wants,” he told me as he shut the door. I climbed out and followed behind him. Gus was on Noah’s lap and he stood up with him when we approached him.
“Hey, Steven,” Noah began, “it’s been a while.”
“Yeah, it has,” Dad agreed. “I heard you have your own garage now?”
Noah nodded, and my eyes widened as Dad’s words sunk in. “Garage?”
“Heard it had a real funny name, too,” Dad added with a smirk that I could have sworn looked like he was messing around with Noah.
“Ah, I don’t know about that,” Noah muttered quickly, eyeing me as he did.
“When were you going to tell me?” I asked to either of them.
“When you came home and saw it for yourself,” Noah retorted. I bit the inside of my cheek and sighed.
“Guess I’ll head inside and let you two talk,” Dad informed us.
“Wait,” Noah called out. “I was going to take Grac
e for food, how about you come with us?” Noah was so much braver than me to ask Dad out when it took me over five years just to ask him to go somewhere with me again. I also noticed how he said “take” instead of “ask” like I had no choice in the matter.
Dad smiled sadly and shook his head. “Y’all go on ahead,” and with those words, he walked inside hollering for Gus to come with him.
I crossed my arms when Dad left and even Noah dropped the good guy façade when it was safe. “What? I thought you were mad?” I couldn’t help but taunt him.
“Come on,” he muttered. “I’m starving.”
I turned and followed after him as he walked to his truck. “How is that my fault?” I studied the red Ford. “Where’s your Jeep?” I asked.
“Had to get a new one,” was his answer as he climbed inside.
I ran around to the other side and got in. “You mean, you had to trade it in for another beat up one?” I already liked his truck though, it only had one long seat… If we had been dating, if we were together, I could scoot over right now and link my arm with his as he drove. The idea was so tempting, I jerked the seatbelt over me and focused ahead.
“I don’t recall you ever having a problem with the Jeep,” he hummed.
“What are you over there thinking about?” I blushed.
He smirked. “You never made any comments about my Jeep before is what I mean. Why? What are you thinking about?”
“Where are we going?” I redirected the conversation to something safer.
“Ribs?” he offered and I simply nodded with a smile. As he pulled out of the driveway, he glanced over at me. “Grace.”
“Hmm?”
“Your cheeks are red,” he teased. “You’re still thinking about the Jeep?”
“Leave me alone,” I grumbled, looking out the window.
He laughed. “We can make new memories in this one.”
I turned my head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about but leave me out of it. Besides, you left earlier without even telling me goodbye, and now you show up and expect me to go eat with you?”
“You’re in my truck, you’re with me, ain’t you?” he grunted.
“Because I’m starving.”
“I was going to wait it out and let you come to me, Grace, and remembered that this is you I’m talking about. I couldn’t wait and let you leave town again.”
I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked down at my legs. “Are you seeing anyone right now?”
His eyes looked so soulful and earnest when he looked at me. I felt it breaking me down, pulling and tearing me apart, or open. “I promised, didn’t I?”
I looked ahead and fought the urge to touch my face as the emotions overwhelmed me. I couldn’t sit here and believe that this giant, beast of a man Noah had become hadn’t lain with anyone else since me. Did he really keep his promise when I told him not to wait for me? My chest felt like it might burst.
I felt hot. I mean, really hot. My face and stomach, my entire body was burning, completely aware of the man next to me.
“You’re always storming back into my life when I least expect it, just like when I saw you on the football field, and earlier at the hospital, you make me lose my damn mind,” he muttered, raking his fingers through his hair as he drove. “I’m so pissed that you’re only back because you thought I was hurt but not pissed enough.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re not running away,” he informed me.
“I have nothing to run from.”
He smirked. “Good.”
Despite our tempers with each other and Noah’s body mass, nothing had changed, yet everything had. I couldn’t explain it… or maybe I could, if it was even possible everything I felt for him was even more intense, so out there and around us, choking me with its presence like it refused to let me ignore it any longer. Even with the intensity, I still found the same comfort I always did when I was with him though. I propped my feet up in the window as I sucked the bones clean as we ate ribs in his truck. I didn’t know why we always chose to eat alone than going inside places, but this was what we preferred. The intimacy was still what I loved.
“I see you’re still a messy eater,” he noted as I slurped on my drink. I looked down at my barbecue fingers that were now all other the cup before glaring at him. “Have you been with anyone?” he asked abruptly.
I almost choked on my pop. I moved my legs and dropped them to the floor as I raised up. “I’ve dated…” I’ve been on one date. “Yeah, I’ve dated.” We would leave it at that. No need to let him learn the truth and piece together that he was still my only partner. I was too afraid of what might happen if he knew. I wanted him, I shouldn’t want him, I loved him, I thought my feelings could simmer into nothing, but that had been a mistake. Noah was my kryptonite, he made me weak and wild with his touches, but he was also the kindest, most loving human I’d ever met. He was the kind of person you strived to be and for some crazy reason, he loved me. I was the lucky girl that moved to the neighborhood and placed myself into his world without realizing how much I’d get in return… Something that beautiful, I’d wish on a billion stars to have it back without the guilt of Mom’s death looming over it.
“That’s good.” It felt like his eyes were caressing my skin. I broke into chills. “Now you know no one can love you like I can, no one can give you what we are when we’re together because that’s for you and me. Nobody belongs in our lives.”
I looked away and sucked in a shaky breath. It felt like a live wire in the truck, the tension between us was so thick and full of life that I knew I had as much as I could take of Noah for today before I did something that would break us more. I didn’t want to hurt him or me anymore. I needed to break free of what we had, and hope that when he finally let me go, I wouldn’t regret it.
Who was I kidding? I already regretted having to leave him with every fiber of my being. Regret was a long time best friend with my pal, Guilt, over the years. I was so used to both of them that their presence was so dim until these moments that shoved them in my face.
“Can you take me home?” I asked a little too shakily.
Just when I thought he might push me further, he didn’t. He started the truck up. “Yeah, as long as you don’t leave town.”
“I’m not leaving,” I told him, but when his eyes lit up and darkened over me, I felt like he misunderstood me.
What was even scarier, was the way I was almost begging him to end my guilt in some sort of way—any way.
Back and forth, back and forth, my brain and body decided for me. What a mess my mind was.
37
She’s so aware of me, just like I am of her. The willpower it took to act like I didn’t want to forget the world and get lost in her was because of my love for her. I want her always and forever, not just for an hour or a day. I won’t take bits and pieces, I’ll take her whole because it’s what she needs and deserves, and that’s everything to me.
She can’t pretend not to know that she’s everything to me. If she’s forgotten, guess I’ll have to remind her.
Any hands that have touched her will be erased, forgotten, gone until there’s only mine.
I’ve planned and waited for us to grow up, to win her heart and accept mine, and live happily ever after. Even as a boy, I knew the kind of man I was. I don’t give up. Ever. Not on the things I hold dear. Not on the one that holds my heart in the palm of her dainty hand.
N.P.
I went up and down the stairs a hundred times that next day, telling myself not to go to Janet’s house. I called work and fibbed, and suddenly feared my own choices. I had no idea what I was doing but staying here and calling into work weren’t smart choices…
But they felt like the right ones.
Dad finally got tired of me pacing around the house and just told me to go see or do whatever it was that was causing me to wear down the floors.
Even on the drive to her house, I kept telling myself
that this wasn’t a good idea then I remembered that I already drove this far because of Noah so anything else I did, couldn’t hurt. I was invited, and I told myself I was only going to see what she wanted to show me. But that was kind of worse because I knew the only thing she would have to show me would be about Noah.
Did he still live with them? Or did he move out?
I didn’t see his truck when I pulled in and the disappointment was thick in my throat. I also brought Gus with me because I didn’t want to leave his care on Dad. I didn’t think Janet would mind, considering she watched him at the hospital while her husband was going in for surgery.
The bad idea got even worse when I knocked on the door and a younger version of Dean answered the door, holding a baby in his arm. “Um,” I started, not sure what to say as I held Gus, “is Janet home?”
He looked me over once then smiled. “You’re Noah’s Grace, right?”
Noah’s Grace? “I am Grace, I don’t know about being Noah’s,” I corrected him, and he smiled, although I wish my heart would stop fluttering like it enjoyed the sound of being Noah’s.
“I’m Janet’s son, Jeremy,” he told me, extending his hand out to take mine.
“The army, right?”
He nodded. “Yeah, one of them.” A petite blonde moved in the doorway with him. “This is my wife, Sarah,” he told me then smiled at the baby in his arms. “And this is our little miracle baby, Sammy.” They looked so perfect, the three of them together, that it made my teeth hurt.
“Come on in,” Sarah offered.
I didn’t make it one step when Janet yelled, “Keep your shoes on, Grace, we’re leaving.”
Oh, boy.
I stood there awkwardly as they both smiled at me. Janet shoved herself between them. “Mamaw will be right back,” she cooed to the baby as she kissed him on the forehead.
“It was nice to finally meet you,” Sara yelled as Janet hurried me to her car.
“It looks like one of your sons and his family are in to visit, are you sure you want to leave?” I asked, then watched as she opened the car door and climbed in. “Wait, where are we even going?”
Fall From Grace Page 23