Thankfully, the subject changes to something that is not me and I couldn’t be happier about it.
But I can’t help but wonder... why did Estaine grab my hand again? He did it under the table where nobody could see. It wasn’t just for show. Does that mean he likes me for real, as more than a friend?
Being in a fake relationship is hard. I can’t imagine how hard it’ll be when I actually get a real boyfriend.
4pm.
Why him?
I had to quit soccer today. My coach understood. I guess she had heard about my cousin dying and told me if I ever wanted back on the team to let her know. I felt so guilty. Everybody thinks I’m mourning the death of a person, but I’m really just sad about everything that has gone on—terrorists, being kidnapped, being shipped off to a new school, given a new identity, leaving my family behind, and then there is the fact that my house just got burned down. It’s a lot to take in.
As I walk back to my dorm, trying not to be too overcome with emotions, I nearly run into somebody as I’m about to walk into my dorm room.
“Sorry,” I say to the person standing outside my door. And then I look up and see Brooks.
And I swear...
My.
Heart.
Stops.
“Brooks,” I say, licking my dry lips. “What are you doing here?”
“Just thought I’d check on you,” he says. “You haven’t been answering your phone and I wanted to make sure you were still alive.”
I unlock my dorm room and walk inside, inviting him.
I know that I have to tell him something about Estaine, but I’m not even sure where to start.
“Well, I’m okay, for the most part,” I say, sitting down on my bed. “Things have been pretty crazy since I left for my cousin’s funeral.”
He looks at me with his blue eyes, causing my heart to skip a beat.
How I wish I could tell him everything.
The truth about who I am.
That Estaine and I are just friends, but are being forced to pretend we’re more.
But I can’t. Uncle Matty made that very clear when he said that if I told anybody else, I would be forced to leave the school.
“Look, we need to talk,” Brooks says.
I nod. “Okay.”
He takes a seat beside me. “I heard a rumor today and I didn’t believe it...” He pauses. “Don’t believe it.” Another pause. “But I have to ask you, Phoenix. Are you and Estaine dating?”
“Who told you that?” I ask.
“Answer the question,” Brooks says, this time raising his voice slightly.
He’s angry.
He has every right to be angry.
What a terrible person I must look in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Does that mean you are dating him?” he asks.
I nod my head once, not able to find my voice. I can’t even look him in the eyes.
He stands up from my bed and begins to walk to the door, but he stops abruptly and walks back to the bed and sits down.
“Why him?” Brooks asks.
“It just... kind of happened,” I answer, still not looking him in the eye. “I got the text... about my cousin... and I didn’t say goodbye to any of my friends. We were all eating breakfast. He read the text and followed me. He refused to let me go without him, and I was panicked, so I just took him. We spent three days together and I guess it just kind of, sort of... happened.”
“Phoenix, look at me,” he says.
So I do.
And my heart breaks.
I feel a tear run down my cheek and quickly wipe it away, but I don’t look away from Brooks. I can’t.
“What we have... it’s real,” he says. “And I can’t just let you go without a fight.”
“You should,” I say, as I begin to cry harder.
“You can’t even talk to me without crying, Phoenix,” Brooks says. “Sweetheart, think what you want, but you’re not over me.”
“I just...” my voice trails off. “I’m a mess right now. Everything is all wrong. This was supposed to be a new start for me. I was supposed to come here and be safe, but they were wrong. They were so wrong. And then they do this to me.”
My hand starts to shake, so I put it down on my bed to hide it from Brooks. He can’t see how upset I am. I can’t let him know.
He’s right.
I am not over Brooks.
I’m far from over Brooks.
But I also can’t deny that I have feelings for Estaine.
“What are you talking about?” he asks.
“I like Estaine,” I tell him, hating how much my voice shakes as I say the words.
“I know. I’ve always known,” Brooks says. “I was just kind of hoping that you liked me more.”
“I don’t know what I like, okay,” I say. “I just know that I don’t want to put you in danger. Or Estaine, but it’s already too late for him.”
“Danger? What kind of danger?” he asks.
I shake my head, unwilling to say more. “Please go. Don’t make this any harder on both of us than it already is.”
“Phoenix...” he says, his voice breaking as he says my name.
If my heart was broken before, now it is shattered.
How has this boy, whom I’ve known two weeks, gotten into my heart and changed me so much? How can I live with myself, knowing how badly I have hurt him.
“I’m sorry, Brooks,” I say. “If there was any way... if things were normal... but they’re not. I wish I could...”
“Me, too,” he says, standing up again. “I know that I should hate you right now, but I don’t. If things change, call me.”
“Okay,” I say, letting out a breath.
Brooks walks out of my dorm room and I lay down on my bed and I cry.
I cry for everything that I’ve lost... even him. Because, before we ever got a chance, everything blew up in my face.
Nobody around me is safe.
And the one person I want to call right now, I can’t. Because if I call Charlie, I could, potentially, put him in more danger.
My life is a mess.
6pm.
I wonder...
I hear voices, but I don’t look up. I just keep my face buried in my pillow and cry. I cry until there aren’t even tears coming out anymore.
“What’s wrong with her?” I hear somebody ask.
“Her cousin just died,” somebody else says. “She’s obviously having an emotional break down. I don’t know what to do. That’s why I called you.”
“Okay... just... I got it,” the other voice replies.
I feel the bed sink down as somebody sits by me, but I can’t bring myself to look up.
“Phoenix,” the voice says.
I hear a door shut, so I look up to see who is sitting by me.
“Estaine,” I say, but my voice is hoarse and it comes out quiet.
“What’s wrong?” he asks me.
I start sobbing harder and he pulls me to his chest, holding on to me. He doesn’t care that I’m crying on him. He just lets me.
I love that he lets me.
He gently rubs my back, patiently waiting for me to say something. But I don’t know what to say to him. How can I tell him what I’m crying over, when I’m not even sure? There is so much... it’s been building up for so long, especially whenever I talked to Brooks, it’s like a whole flood of emotions hit me and I can’t stop them.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, as I start to calm down. “I just... I’m being such a girl.”
“Why are you crying, baby?” Estaine asks.
Baby?
First Brooks calls me sweetheart and now Estaine calls me baby.
“It’s just... everything. And I usually talk to Charlie when I’m upset, and I can’t. I’m not even allowed to talk to my brother,” I say.
“But I’m here. You can talk to me,” he says.
I nod, knowing I can. I pr
obably should tell him anyway.
“Brooks came by,” I tell him. “And I hurt his feelings.”
I can feel Estaine’s muscles stiffen up as I tell him, but his face doesn’t react.
“What happened?” he asks.
“He stopped by because I haven’t replied to any of his text messages,” I say. “I didn’t know what to tell him. And he had heard about us, and he wanted to know if it was true or not.”
“What did you tell him?”
“That it’s true,” I answer. “And that I didn’t mean to hurt him. I really didn’t mean to, Estaine. Brooks was so nice to me and I think I broke his heart. He asked me why I chose you over him.”
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“It’s not your fault. I’m not even crying over Brooks. I’m crying about every stupid thing that has happened in my life lately. Him coming over here just set it all in motion,” I say. “I never wanted to hurt him.”
“Do you like Brooks?” Estaine asks.
“I know you don’t like him, but he’s always been kind to me,” I say. “I want to be his friend. But how can I? I don’t think he wants to be my friend. I think he wants more, and I can’t give him more. I can’t.”
“I’m sorry,” he says again.
“It’s not your fault,” I say. “He also said something else... something about you.”
“I’m sure he had lovely things to say about me,” Estaine says, and I’m about ninety-nine percent sure he’s being sarcastic.
“He told me he knew that I liked you as more than a friend,” I say. “I didn’t even know that, so how could he know that?”
He smiles. “Despite what you think, you are an open book. Your feelings are on your face and it’s so easy to read. You should never play poker.”
I grin, too.
Because, yes, my life is absolutely falling apart around me. But I have great friends. And I have Estaine, who is pretty much the best fake boyfriend a girl could have. It definitely could be worse.
“Thank you,” I tell him.
“For what?” he asks.
“For... knowing me better than I know myself,” I answer. “You always know what to say to me.”
“What are fake boyfriends for?” he asks.
I shake my head at him. “You are far too nice to me.”
“Like I said, pretending to date you isn’t that much of a hardship,” he says.
And I wonder...
Does he like me, too?
Friday, September 1
I just want to be happy.
I am actually surprised by the number of people who stay on campus.
Estaine stayed, of course. I feel bad about that, but he insisted. I knew that he simply wouldn’t take no for an answer. A lot of people were pretty mad about that, because they were planning on going to his party. I’m guessing that means Brooks will definitely have more people coming to his party this year.
Brooks...
I wish things were different... that I could tell him the truth about who I really am. But I can’t. Not if I want to stay at East Raven Academy. It would be so much easier if I could just tell him the truth.
“What are we supposed to do this weekend?” I ask Estaine, as I’m lying on my bed. He’s on Teagan’s bed.
Teagan went with Jason somewhere, over the holiday, which is apparently a big deal. They usually only talk while they’re at school. Maybe they’re taking their relationship to a new level.
I wonder if Jason is who Teagan “has a crush on.”
Certainly, she would’ve told me if it was Jason, though. Or I would’ve figured it out.
“I have plans,” Estaine answers. “If your bodyguards let us.”
“Uncle Matty and Jake are not my bodyguards,” I say. “They’re secret service. Seriously. They’ve already threatened to get me a bodyguard. That would be horrible.”
Unless he was hot.
That might not be so bad.
“Why do you call him Uncle Matty?”
“His idea,” I answer. “It’s what I’ve always called him. It’s best to keep the habit of calling him uncle, so I don’t slip up.”
“Oh,” Estaine says. “Okay.”
“So, you asked them if we can do something off campus?” I ask.
“Yes,” he answers. “But I’m not telling you what, yet. I want you to be surprised.”
“I don’t care what it is as long as I get to leave this stupid school campus,” I say. “I feel like this place is a prison.”
“Well, Uncle Matty said don’t get your hopes up,” he says.
I laugh. “Sounds like Uncle Matty.”
“How long have you known them?” Estaine asks. “You seem to know them pretty well.”
“I do. I’ve known them since the spring, when I first got kidnapped. They’re the ones who rescued me, and I guess they kind of liked me, because they requested to be put on my case,” I say. “I spent, like, three weeks this summer at their homes before school started. I got to know them and their kids. It was kind of fun.”
“You’re an easy person to like,” he says.
“Funny. Charlie might disagree with you.”
“I doubt that,” Estaine says. “I get why they wanted to stay with you. I just met you and I want to stay with you.”
“Well, you technically did stay with me,” I say. “This weekend. And I’m pretty sure all the kids in school hate me, since I’m the reason you stayed.”
“They’ll get over it,” he says.
“Why did you stay? I mean, I know you did it to be nice and keep me company, but why?” I ask.
“I already told you, I met you, and now I don’t ever want to leave you,” he says.
I think about what he’s saying, trying not to get my hopes up that he likes me. I don’t think I will ever be able to understand the opposite sex. Ever.
“I feel protective of you,” Estaine says. “Which is weird, considering you could probably kick my butt with both hands tied behind your back. But I just... want to be around you. Always. And I hope that doesn’t scare you.”
“It doesn’t scare me,” I say. “I like it. I was worried that I wouldn’t make friends here. I’ve told you before that I didn’t have friends in California. The only people who talked to me at school were Charlie’s friends. Whenever he had a girlfriend, they would always hang out with me and we’d become friends. But he never stays with a girl very long. So, I’d consider her a good friend, he’d dump her, and then she wouldn’t want anything to do with me.”
“They weren’t very good friends, then,” he says.
“I know.”
“I kind of can’t wait to meet Charlie. He sounds completely opposite from you.”
“He is. He so is. But in the best possible way,” I say.
“How so?”
“We complement each other. I’m an introvert and he’s an extrovert to the extreme. He has brought me out of my shell a lot, and I have helped him be less social,” I say. “I know that sounds weird, but Charlie never did anything except hang out with people. He wasn’t happy unless he was surrounded by a group. Now, we hang out, just me and him, every Friday night. He told me he didn’t realize how much he needed that time to unwind away from people.”
“You don’t seem like an introvert.”
“I’m not as bad anymore. Charlie rubbed off on me in that way, and I like to have somebody around now,” I say.
“Yeah, but didn’t your mom marry his dad when you were young?”
“Yep. We were both ten at the time.”
“I wonder who you would be without him. Maybe you would’ve found your own way,” he says.
“Maybe,” I say. “But I can’t imagine my life without him. I wish he was here. He wanted to come, but they told me that it could be dangerous for him to be here. If this terrorist group finds me, I want Charlie as far away from me as possible.”
“Why are they even after you?” Estaine asks. “You’re a sixteen year old.”
&nbs
p; “I am not one hundred percent sure,” I answer. “It’s just that, since my dad got elected, this group has had a vendetta against him. I guess they figure going after his daughter is a good form of revenge. My dad’s not entirely safe, either, but he’s got a ton of secret service agents and bodyguards protecting him.”
“It just doesn’t seem fair,” he says.
“I know. But if it hadn’t happened, I never would’ve met you,” I say. “So, I can’t regret it completely.”
“Still, I wish you were here under better circumstances.”
“Me, too. And with Charlie. He’d love it here, and the girls would love him. He would definitely have a girlfriend by now,” I say, then pause. “Maybe it’s good he’s not here, because I don’t want all the girls to hate me by association, like they did in Malibu.”
Estaine laughs. “Now I get why you didn’t have friends. All the girls loved your brother.”
“Yep.”
“And the boys stayed away because of him, too, right?”
“No. Charlie would’ve been cool with me dating,” I say. “I just never liked any of the guys there.”
“I thought people in California were all supposed to be super gorgeous or something.”
“They were okay,” I say. “I mean, there were lots of beautiful people. But it seemed like everybody wanted to use me. Like, one guy wanted to be my friend because he thought my stepdad could get him an audition in this movie. And girls would want to be my friend to get closer to Charlie. I guess I just stopped trying.”
“What does your stepdad do?”
“He’s a producer. He has produced lots of movies,” I answer. “I guess he’s supposed to be a big deal, but to me he’s just... Rick. My stepdad. Sometimes he works long hours, but he always makes time for Charlie and me. We go on cool family vacations, and he really is a second dad to me. He’s not Rick Bennett, the producer. Not to me.”
“Just to clarify, I want nothing to do with the entertainment industry,” Estaine says.
“Me, either,” I say, agreeing. “So, what do you want with your life?”
“I don’t know,” he answers. “I think my dad wants me to follow in his footsteps, but I really hate politics. I’ve grown up around it my whole life. Why can’t he want me to do something normal? Like, be a doctor or something?”
Ever After (East Raven Academy Book 1) Page 17