by Vicki Green
And now – now I’m going home with my tail tucked between my legs to the one place I’d swore I’d never return. Dad will gloat. Mom will expect me to do everything she asks. I see frilly dresses and the country club in my future. A lot. She’ll make me crazy wanting me to call her “Mother”. “UGH!” I scream and you know what? It felt good. So periodically for the next hour that’s exactly what I do. Scream at the top of my lungs.
My phone rings. I’m afraid to look. Nash has been blowing up my phone. I look at the dash and the built-in Bluetooth and Sadie’s name appears on the screen. I’m relieved but I hesitate, unsure I can talk about this, even with my best friend. Finally, I press the button on the steering wheel.
“Oh, thank God! Tina? Oh, Tina. Please, talk to me.” Tears stream down my face when I hear her voice.
“I....” I bite my lip, tasting the wetness of my tears. “I hurt so badly, Sadie.”
“Honey, it’s all a big misunderstanding. Really, Nash....”
“Please. Stop. I can’t bear to hear his name. I can’t – I can’t deal with this right now, Sadie. Please understand.”
“Okay. But when you get to your parents, will you call me? I’ll always be here to talk. I need to know you’ve gotten there safely. Will you do that?” I can hear the tremor in her voice, and it makes me cry harder.
“Okay. I’ll text you when I get there. I just need some – time.” I press the button to end the call, hating that I can’t even talk to the one person I’ve always been able to talk to. But I just can’t talk about this right now. I can’t handle it.
I remember this trip, so long ago. I was excited to see my bestie, Sadie, learn about her adventures and begin one of my own. A day and a half it took me. Guess it’ll be the same this time.
I drove all night, memories of earlier plagued me. By early morning, I pull into a small hotel parking lot to get a room so I can get a little sleep. There’s one bed, a TV and a small table and chairs. Placing my bag on the bed, I quickly undress and take a shower, removing the grime from the long night. The warmth from the water spreads down my head and face. I shampoo and wash but no matter what I do, the evening’s events play over and over again in my mind. I start crying and sit down on the tiled floor, the water cascading down over me. Bringing my legs up to my chest, I wrap my arms around them and press my forehead to my knees. My body racks with my sobs, the loudness of the water muffling my cries.
After putting on clean clothes, I laid down on the bed and tried to go to sleep. Only, every time I shut my eyes, all I could see was Nash’s face. I could feel his arms around me, his voice whispering in my ear as he brushes back my long hair from my face. My eyes snap open, fresh tears drying on my cheeks. I’m so tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of thinking about what could have been. Without sleeping, only resting for a little while, I grab my bag and get back into my car. I turn up the radio, trying to drown out all the thoughts in my head. I wish there was a cure for what I have, a pill I could take to erase my memories.
By late afternoon, I pull into my parent’s driveway. Putting the car in park, I look at the house I grew up in. I grip the steering wheel hard, not wanting to go in, face my parents. But I have nowhere else to go. Grabbing my bag, I take a deep breath and get out of the car. I walk to the front door and open it, stepping inside my childhood house.
“Oh, my Lord! You’ve come back!” I’m enveloped in a hug by Leslie our maid and my longtime friend. “Let me look at you.” She holds onto my arms as she moves back, smiling.
“You’re too skinny.” I turn and see Barb, my once nanny but also who cooks for my parents. I walk into her open arms.
“It’s so good to see you.” I smile. I look around, the house quiet. “Where’s Mom and Dad?” They look at each other.
“Um. Mr. and Mrs. Brogdon have been on a trip.” Leslie wrings her hands in front of her. Of course they have been. “But they’ll be back tomorrow.” Good. That will give me some alone time before I have to put up with their scrutiny.
“Come. Let’s get you something to eat,” Barb says putting her arm around me.
I look at each of them. “Actually, I’m really tired. Long drive. Is George around?”
Leslie looks around and then back at me. “He’s somewhere.”
“I’d love some help unloading my car. If he has time.” I feel Barb squeeze my shoulder.
“You go rest. I’ll get George to help once you get up.” I turn around and face her. “I’ll cook you up something special tonight.” She hugs me and I thank her.
I hug them both again and walk upstairs, feeling weird being back here. Our house is decorated like snooty, pretentious, wealthy people. Like, you’re afraid to set a glass down on a table without a coaster, or sit on one of the very expensive couches. Everything is immaculate and stifling. I walk down the hall to the last bedroom on the left and open the door. My room is exactly how I left it except it’s clean. Closing the door, I walk over and throw myself down onto the bed, looking up at the ceiling. I remember the day I left, excited to begin a new chapter in my life. I couldn’t wait to get outta here. I had thrown clothes everywhere as I was packing, trying to hurry to leave before my parents got back from the country club. I almost made it too, but then by the time I finished and got downstairs, George, Leslie, and Barb were standing in the foyer waiting for me. There were tons of hugs and goodbyes, food for the trip, and as I opened the front door, my parents were getting ready to walk inside.
“Where are you going?” my mom asked, her brow raised high. I always felt like one of her employees instead of her daughter.
“Yes. It’s too late to go out now with your – friends,” Dad says walking inside. Mom looks down and sees my duffle bag in my hand. She walks inside and closes the door.
“Sadie’s gone. You don’t really have many other friends. Who are you spending the night with?” She always did remind me how many friends I didn’t have.
Walking around them, I open the door and turn around. “I’m leaving. I’m going to stay with Sadie until I can get on my feet.”
Mom laughs, not an endearing laugh more like sarcastic. “Ridiculous. Now go to bed. You need to get your beauty sleep for the country club annual dinner tomorrow night.” She waves me off and starts to turn around for the stairs.
“No, Mom.” She stops and turns back around to face me. “I am leaving. I’m moving to the country to start my new life. One without country clubs and stuffy people. A place where I can be appreciated by just being myself.”
She looks at Dad. “Well, I never.” She huffs.
“Young lady! Go upstairs now,” Dad says angrily. “We’ll talk about this in the morning.” They both turn. Dad takes Mom’s elbow and they start walking toward the stairs.
“Goodbye, Mom and Dad.” They look over their shoulders, and Mom’s eyes widen as I close the door.
Turning over on my side, I put my hands underneath my pillow and curl up into a ball. Why can’t I have a mom that would hold me, love me for who I am, and tell me everything’s going to be okay? A normal mom who likes to hang out with me, go shopping and talk about boys. I let out a sigh, tears falling onto my pillow. I wish I had a mom who was here now, lying beside me with her arms around me. I close my eyes, making tears fall more readily.
“Tina. It’s time to get up.”
“Five more minutes,” I grumble. Wait! I open one eye a slit. Mom’s standing at the foot of my bed. This has got to be the most vivid dream I’ve ever had.
“You’re home now so you can attend the ladies brunch at the club with me.” She raises a brow, high. No, welcome home. No, what are you doing home? Where’s the “I told you so” and “I knew you would never make it on your own”? Or how about “it’s great to see you”? Instead, she’s tapping her foot on the carpet and giving me her best sarcastic look. “Come now. You’ve nearly slept the da
y away.” I turn onto my back. Both of my eyes are wide open now watching her walk over to my closet. She opens the door and walks inside. The familiar sounds of hangers swooshing across the racks make me cringe. “This will do nicely.” She walks out holding a floral dress. “You really must make haste and take a shower.” She hangs it up on the closet door frame and walks toward the open door to my bedroom, turning around and holding the doorknob. “If you’re going to live in our house, you must adhere to our rules. You know this.” She rolls her eyes in exasperation. “I don’t know why this must be repeated. Don’t keep me waiting.” She closes the door and I push myself up, sitting against the headboard. What in the hell just happened? I swear! It’s like I never left!
With the great urge to go to the bathroom, I throw the covers off me and walk into my bathroom. After doing my business, I reluctantly get into the shower. The entire time I wash, I think about my phone, how I didn’t text Sadie when I got here. God! I feel so depressed. So alone. But I’m not ready to talk about what happened. Not yet. I’m not sure I’ll ever be. After brushing my hair, my teeth, and applying some light makeup, I put on the damn frilly dress and sit down on my bed. Picking up my phone, I ignore looking at Nash’s texts and create one to Sadie, letting her know I arrived here safely and we’ll talk soon. I stare at my phone. Forty-five texts from Nash and fifteen voicemails. My fingers itch to open them. My ears burn to listen to his voice, but my heart tells me I can’t handle it. I think I’ll listen to my heart, what’s left of it. A knock on my door and I look up when Leslie enters.
“Sorry to bother you. Your mom told me to tell you that you’d better hurry.” She smiles sadly. “I think her blood pressure is rising by the moment.”
I let out a long sigh. “Okay. I’ll be right down.” Reluctantly, I go downstairs.
The ride over is quiet, not even the radio is playing. I watch the familiar scenery go by, wondering how Misty and Pam are doing at the shop. The shop. I miss it. Suddenly, I’m angry. I’m angry that I found Barbie at Nash’s house. Angry that she was wearing his ring. But most of all, I’m angry at myself for running home instead of standing up to her, to Nash. God, I’m such a wuss. I follow my parents into the country club and walk down the hallway. As per normal, Dad kisses Mom on her cheek and heads to the “Gentlemen’s Quarters”, the place they all smoke cigars and drink in a private setting, while we walk into the dining room. The hostess smiles at Mom and we follow her to Mom’s usual table – in the middle of the room. In the middle of everything. “This is lovely. Thank you.” She smiles at the hostess, like she didn’t know that’s where the hostess would take us. She picks up her napkin and places it on her lap then picks up the glass of water and takes a dainty sip. “I knew the country wouldn’t work for you.” She sets the glass back down on the table.
“Mom. Stop. I don’t want to talk about it.” I should want to talk about it. I should want my mom to console me.
“Don’t slouch. And how many times must I remind you to call me Mother?” She looks around, smiling. I’m not slouching. I never slouch. And I think a few more million times might make me call her Mother but probably not. “You never should have gone there.” She looks everywhere but at me. “Why you ever thought you could make it on your own in some forsaken land that houses farm animals and men who wear those ungodly big hats, I’ll never know.” If I wasn’t so upset and not wanting to talk about it, this would be comical.
“May I take your orders?”
Mom looks up at the waitress and smiles. “We’ll both have prime rib, baked potato, vegetable medley, and a side salad. Oh! And iced teas, please.” She hands the menus back that were on the table, never looking at them. She doesn’t have to since she has them mesmerized.
“Right away.” The waitress grins as she takes the menus.
First, it’s like having dinner but it’s lunch. I really don’t know how she keeps her figure. Second, it’s a ladies brunch but it’s just the two of us sitting here. Thing is, for her, it’s about being seen here, having lunch, dressed up. I just don’t get it.
“Margaret Brogdon.” My head turns quickly to three women walking towards the table. I can see Mom smile from my peripheral. “Ellen, Beatrice, and I were just wondering if you were here.” She bends down and air kisses Mom. I strain not to roll my eyes. She stands and looks at me and I swallow hard. “Oh! Tina! You’re back from – where did you go again? France?” Why in the hell would she think I went to France? I look at Mom and scrunch my face.
“Yes,” Mom says with a smile. “She just returned from Paris. She had a lovely time, didn’t you, dear?” She looks at me, and I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
“Oh, Paris. It’s so beautiful there,” Beatrice says smiling dreamily.
“Please, won’t you join us?” Mom looks at them and they all start nodding like the bobble heads they are. They all pull out chairs and sit down, talking a mile a minute about trivial things.
“I need to use to the restroom,” I say standing abruptly. Not one of them turns to look at me as they keep gabbing.
I walk out of the dining room, following the stoned floor hallway right past the restrooms and into the bar. There’s a few people in here, thankfully no one I recognize. I walk over to the counter and sit down on a barstool. Shit! Surely it’s open but there’s no bartender. I look around, starting to feel like the Exorcist.
“Never thought I’d see you back here.”
My head whips around, my long hair flying and covering my face. I brush it back quickly and stare into the eyes of.... “Matthew Pearson. I forgot you worked here.” Fuck. My. Life.
He leans his arms on the bar counter, his face close to mine. “Get tired of the country? Or did you find out those cowboys weren’t man enough?”
“None of your business. Jack and Coke. Make it a double.” He smiles and winks as he stands and starts making my drink.
Just for the record, I don’t drink that often. I think we all know how bad I can be on steady legs but right now, I just wanna get drunk.
Two hours later, Mom finally figured out I never returned from the restroom.
“There you are.” I lift my glass and drain the rest of the contents.
“Another, please.” I push the empty glass at Matthew.
“Really, Tina. It’s not ladylike to sit at a bar and get drunk.” I turn my head and watch her give me her snooty expression, and I laugh. I laugh again and again and it feels so good I keep laughing. “Oh my! What will everyone think?” I start laughing harder. She turns around and starts walking off. “Well, I don’t want to be seen with you.” I lay my arms down on the counter and put my forehead against them, laughing my ass off.
“Here you go.”
Raising my head, I bite my lip, trying to stop from laughing myself off the stool. I’m able to finally contain myself and pick up the drink, draining it quickly. Pushing against the counter, I try to stand, almost falling on wobbly legs and grab the edge. He walks around the counter and grabs my arm. “Here. Let’s get you outta here.” I stumble in his grasp but I’m not so far gone that I don’t know he’s taking me out the side door. He walks me down the wide pavement, large trash cans and cigarette butts on the ground decorate the area. He says something and I laugh so hard, I trip over my feet.
“Matthew, you’re so funny.” I let out giggles and a snort, almost falling.
“Whoa, there. Need a ride home?”
I look up at him and open my mouth....
“She’s got a ride.”
I turn around, holding onto Matthew’s arm tighter. My mouth is still open but for a different reason now.
Nash.
Chapter Nineteen
Nash
I’m exhausted. Drivin’ all night, full of worry and concern. I’d stopped by her parents’ house, saw her car in the driveway, so I pulled my truck up along the c
urb. I sat there and just stared at the house, not sure what to do. I’d fight for her, do whatever it takes to get her to see but not like this. Are her parents’ home? I don’t want to embarrass her. By the sound of what her parents are like, from what she’s told me, if there’s any chance that they can rekindle their relationship, I don’t want to do anythin’ that would hinder that. So, I turned around, found the nearest hotel, and slept the rest of the day and night.
I’d slept late into the mornin’, not realizin’ just how tired I was. I ate a pretty hardy breakfast at the hotel after I’d showered and put on some clean clothes. All I kept thinkin’ was, is Tina at home? Is she even thinkin’ of me at all? How much does she hate me? Fuck! What she must think of me. It hurts my heart knowin’ she’s hurtin’. Somethin’ I never wanted to happen. Then anger swells. Damn Blair and her ploys to get me back. I’d felt bad for her. No one should have to go through a family member passin’ away. She played me just like she used to. Openin’ my front door to her standin’ there shakin’ and in tears. I welcomed her into my house, tryin’ to console her, and walked right into her trap. Now, I need to get to Tina, make her understand. Fuck! Why didn’t I tell her about Blair before? How cruel she is and what she did to me before? Maybe then Tina would have seen through her bullshit, even though I didn’t.
I drive over to Tina’s parents’ house again and park along the curb. This time I don’t wait, don’t think. I get out, walkin’ straight to the front door. I ring the bell, ready for the door to open, stand my ground and make her listen to me. The door opens and I’m greeted by a tall man, maybe in his late fifties, wearin’ a dark suit. He looks down at my boots, all the way up to my hat. My brows lower in confusion.