I became acutely aware of girls at a time when all the other boys would generally either annoy or ignore them. There were good reasons for that. At that age, there was a marked difference in maturity and sexual consciousness between the sexes. Many of the girls had already reached puberty while most of the boys had squeaky voices and only the faint smudge of facial hair. To top it all, several girls were taller than the average boy, which gave them an air of superiority.
However, I got a lot of female attention. I would often get asked out for dates, which meant going for a walk or having an ice-cream together. I knew that my raw physicality and alpha male aggression were attractive to the opposite sex. And I wasn’t bad-looking either.
But whenever I spoke to or sat next to a girl, something would go off inside my head. I would feel this irresistible urge to reach out and touch her. It didn’t strike me then that she probably wouldn’t have minded it. Sometimes, I would abruptly walk away if I felt that I couldn’t control myself any longer. To prevent what I assumed would be serious embarrassment, I started to avoid the company of girls as much as possible.
I couldn’t get them out of my mind, though. I hadn’t fully understood what sex was yet but every night, I played with myself, picking a random girl to fantasise about. It didn’t matter whether they were fat or thin, pretty or ugly, short or tall. I suppose the only subconscious preference I had was for fair skin.
The first time I had an orgasm was when I imagined a naked girl lying on a bed, blood spouting out of a dozen wounds on her body and seeping into the white sheet beneath her. I have no idea why that image came to my mind but it sent me into a sexual frenzy, much to my own astonishment. After that, I knew I could only climax when the girl in my thoughts died violently. There would always be a shadowy figure doing the actual killing, either by strangling or slashing her with a knife.
It was only much later that I realised the figure was me.
I had never felt as calm in all my life as I did after killing Bholi. There was no remorse, no guilt. Just immeasurable relief. In that single moment, I knew both my disease and its medicine. The beast trapped inside me had paced about restlessly for far too long, craving freedom. It had finally been released.
There was another destiny awaiting me, though. One that I had been born for. I wanted that desperately too but it would take hard work, patience and skill. I was ready for it. After all, I didn’t have to kill the beast, just tame it to follow my orders.
43
Neel
We held a council of war. And decided it was time to leave Goa. It was imperative for each of us to get back to our respective lives. The professional, social and administrative backlogs had to be cleared without further delay.
Omar had a film shoot coming up. And I’m sure he was being sorely missed by the high society of Mumbai. I guess he would also have to do something about the creditors who were after his blood. Sara had been fretting about her store for the past couple of days. It was her passion. I suddenly wondered if she had been seeing someone before coming to Goa.
My own case was less urgent. I had resigned my commission in the Army. It was accepted without much hassle. I had already completed my eight years of obligatory service. Looking back, I didn’t really regret my stint. There had been some memorable moments. But one part of me felt as if I had just been let out of jail.
We agreed to get together again as soon as possible. None of us wanted to drop what we had started. We owed it to Rachel to complete her investigation. And find out who had killed her.
Omar was the first to go. Sara and I dropped him to the airport in the Innova.
I took the wheel on our way back. Sara sidled over and put her head on my shoulder. It felt great. We had been playing it really cool in front of Omar. I had noticed him giving us speculative looks. Maybe he still suspected something.
Sara put her hand on my thigh.
‘Sara, I’m driving…’
Her hand moved higher. ‘So?’
‘I can’t concentrate on the road if you do that.’
She began to pull down the zipper of my Levi’s. ‘Do what?’
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I was just about managing to keep the Innova on a straight course. Luckily, there was little traffic.
Sara slid her hand inside. She smiled.
I hadn’t felt this horny in years. It was like I was thirteen again instead of thirty.
‘I’ll stop somewhere…’
She put her face close to my ear and whispered, ‘No, don’t. Just keep driving.’
When a girl’s got her hand inside your pants, there’s no option but to listen to her.
Sara began to expertly pull down my jeans. I lifted myself off the seat to help her. The Innova careened to the left. I managed to turn the wheel before we went off the road.
I croaked, ‘Sara, we’ll have an accident!’
Without a word, she moved her hand away. I figured she had finally realised what a risky thing we were doing. A wave of disappointment washed over me.
But I was wrong.
Sara had been adjusting her position. She now bent low over my lap. I felt her warm, moist breath on me. I continued driving. I’m not quite sure how. My eyes and hands and feet guided the vehicle forward. Even though I didn’t seem to have any conscious control over them.
A short while later, my body insisted that it could take no more. I was ready to explode. Sara lifted her head and looked out of the windscreen. ‘Take the next left. It goes to the beach.’
The beach was small and deserted. Fringed with palm trees. I guess you wouldn’t find it on a tourist map of Goa. The road petered out into a dead end. I gratefully stopped the Innova.
We tumbled out. Sara took me by the hand. We lay down on a dry patch of sand just out of reach of the breaking waves. I looked around to see if anyone was watching. No one was. I was beyond caring anyway.
We didn’t bother taking off our clothes. Our bodies were already at fever pitch. Sara pushed me down until I was spread-eagled on the sand. We made love with a fierce urgency. The sounds and smells of the sea played in the background. I felt like I was flying.
I had tried the cocktail. The real thing was way, way better. When it was over, we lay on our backs. And stared up at the cobalt sky, dotted with stars.
Without looking at her, I said, ‘You still haven’t answered my question, Sara.’
She remained silent.
I went on. ‘I never thought I would recover from what happened or be able to feel any emotion other than grief. Grief worse than the most terrible physical pain you can imagine.’
She held my hand and gripped it tightly.
‘But these last few days with you have given me a ray of hope. Hope that I can live normally again, that my heart can begin to heal.’
I turned towards her. Her cheeks glistened.
‘Neel, I…’ She paused.
I reached out and wiped her tears. ‘Sara, please don’t say no. It would be perfect; you and I. Getting together after knowing each other half our lives.’
‘Neel…I love you.’
‘I love you too. Always have…’
‘I don’t want you to get hurt again.’ Even in the semi-darkness, I saw the sadness in her eyes. ‘Neel…I don’t know how much longer I have left to live.’
44
Sara
Dear, sweet Neel. He didn’t say a word after that, just held me close in his arms. I think he had sensed there was something wrong with me but wasn’t prepared for what I told him. He didn’t probe further.
It was true that I loved him. More than I had loved anyone else since…Roy.
I simply didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t deserve Neel, that was for sure. Not after everything that had happened. But it would be so easy to say yes now and let the future worry about itself. My heart ached at the thou
ght of the happiness that was so close and yet so far!
I was worried about Neel. He was very vulnerable after what had happened to his family. His mind was so ravaged that anything could push him over the edge. I couldn’t figure out whether losing me now or later was worse for him. It was complicated either way.
Anyway, he had left already so the decision was automatically deferred. I would have to face it sooner or later, though.
I had stayed back in Goa for an extra day. There was someone I needed to meet.
When I opened the door and saw him standing there, I had mixed feelings. There had been good and bad times with him, the good being really good and the bad really bad. I was seeing him after ages but he had hardly changed.
I knew every contour of that face very well. It was full of strength and vitality. The forehead was broad, which gave the appearance of a receding hairline, even though he was blessed with a thick mop of dark curls. The nose was aquiline, a legacy that had passed down three generations. The chin jutted arrogantly and the eyes were black as night, inscrutable but warning of hidden danger.
I gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek. It was very platonic. I remembered a time when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
‘How are you, Sara?’ He still spoke in that slow, soft monotone.
‘Not too bad. Come on in.’
I led him to the rear patio and we sat down, looking out at the sea. It was evening but there were still a couple of hours for the sun to set. I asked the cook to make a pot of Darjeeling tea and fresh onion pakoras.
I smiled and said, ‘It was good to hear from you after all these years.’
‘Things have been really hectic so I’m taking a break here. It was such a pleasant coincidence that you happened to be in Goa at the same time.’
‘Yeah, I read about that.’
‘This is a really nice place you’ve got for yourself, Sara.’
I didn’t say anything. It seemed pointless to mention that it was part of my divorce haul. I’m sure he would have guessed as much.
‘How are the others? The only one I’ve met anytime recently is Omar.’
‘You know Rachel’s dead, right?’
‘Yes, of course.’ He shook his head. ‘She was the last person I would think of as being suicidal.’
‘She didn’t commit suicide,’ I paused. ‘She was murdered.’
There was a brief flicker in his eyes. ‘Murdered?’
I took a deep breath and told him everything. More or less. He listened with a blank look on his face. He had never been the expressive, emotional type anyway.
When I had finished, he said, ‘This is shocking. I can hardly believe it.’
The tea and pakoras arrived. I poured out two cups, and the rich aroma of orange pekoe wafted to my nostrils. Both of us had it black, without milk or sugar, just the way it’s meant to be. But he barely touched the pakoras. I figured he was really disturbed by what I had said.
‘Can you help us? If anyone can, it’s you.’
‘What do you want me to do, Sara? This is a matter for the police.’
‘The problem is that they’ve bungled every step of the way. It’s almost as if they don’t want to clear up this case.’
He took a sip of the tea and said, ‘You think they might be protecting someone?’
I reflected. That possibility hadn’t struck me. ‘I…don’t think so. It’s plain incompetence. They just haven’t been able to join the dots.’
‘Have you told the police what you’ve found out?’
‘Not everything,’ I admitted.
‘Why not?’
‘Well, that detective was very intimidating. He practically threatened to arrest us because he thought we were interfering with his investigation. If we go to him now with more information, he’ll definitely put us behind bars,’ I sighed. ‘What do you expect us to do?’
He reached out and held my hand. ‘I can imagine how difficult all this has been for you.’
I flinched at his touch but didn’t move my hand away. We did go back a long way, after all.
After a moment, he said, ‘Let me see what I can do.’
I nodded gratefully.
‘I’ve never forgotten the good times we had, Sara.’
‘Neither have I.’ I gently extricated my hand and helped myself to a pakora.
We chatted for some more time, and then he got up to leave. Hesitantly, he said, ‘Sara…I hope you haven’t told anyone about…you know…’
I had hoped he wouldn’t bring that up. ‘Of course not,’ I said in a hard voice.
It was our deep, dark secret, which we had promised would remain that way forever. But fate had other plans.
45
Omar
That last evening in Goa, we were sitting on the terrace of Sara’s villa, looking out over the arced expanse of the Arabian Sea. The clouds were back, sitting low and grey in the sky. The breeze had picked up, and the sea was restless. A storm was imminent.
We were carrying on some desultory conversation but it was getting difficult to hear each other over the screeching of the wind. There was a rumble of thunder, and the skies suddenly broke. The rain came down in blinding sheets, with all the ferocity of a coastal storm.
None of us moved.
Within a few seconds, I was drenched. My clothes merged with my skin, wet and heavy. I looked up. The raindrops stung my forehead and fell over my face in a misty curtain. I closed my eyes and listened to the beautiful symphony of nature. I thought I could distinguish the different sounds of the rain as it struck concrete and wood and leaves and the sand in the distance.
I opened my eyes and glanced at the others.
Neel was sprawled on a deck chair, legs stretched out and arms hanging by his sides, letting the torrents of rain wash over him. Sara was standing in a corner of the terrace, leaning against the low railing and staring at the swirling sea. Her dark nipples were visible through the soaked fabric of her tee shirt but it didn’t seem to bother her.
The rain continued with unabated fury. I don’t know how long we remained like that. It could have been five minutes or fifteen, or perhaps longer.
I guess each of us was thinking about our own demons—real and imagined, past and present, known and unknown; and hoping that the deluge would drown them all.
I missed Sara and Neel.
It had been really good to spend the past few days with them, despite the circumstances. That’s the thing with old friends—even if you meet after a long time, you can simply pick up from where you left off. In fact, I felt closer to them than ever before.
But most of all, I couldn’t get Rachel out of my mind.
After Roy’s disappearance, our group hadn’t been the same again. The four of us would hardly get together, and I found myself spending more and more time with Rachel. My attraction for her kept growing and it was getting practically impossible for me to keep it bottled up any longer. I knew I would blurt it out sooner or later.
One evening, Rachel and I were sitting at our favourite spot, the lawn opposite the Admin building. It was the same place where we had first met Roy.
She suddenly said, ‘Omar, are you all right?’
I was surprised. ‘Yes, why?’
‘You haven’t been seeing any girl for months now.’
I laughed. ‘That’s true.’
‘That’s not the Omar I know. There must be something wrong.’
‘Well, maybe the Omar you know has changed.’
She gave me a mock punch. ‘Nonsense! You staying away from girls is unthinkable.’
‘What if I told you that I’m really serious about someone?’ I knew where this would lead but I couldn’t stop myself.
She was quiet for a moment. Then she said, ‘Really? And who is the unfortunate girl?’
I hesitated and said, ‘It’s you, Rachel.’
This time, the silence was longer. ‘I don’t believe you,’ she said softly but I thought I saw her face redden.
‘It’s true. We’re such good friends but somewhere along the way, I think I’ve fallen for you, Rachel. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.’
‘Stop playing games with me, Omar!’ Her voice was angry now.
I took her hand. ‘I know it sounds crazy but how can I convince you that I’m telling the truth?’
She snatched her hand away and without saying a word, got up and ran off.
Her reaction perplexed me. I had expected surprise and disbelief but certainly not this. Rachel was always calm and composed, and I had never seen her so flustered. It was probably the first time I had even heard her raise her voice.
One part of me considered the tiny possibility that maybe she felt the same way about me.
She had never given any such indication, though. In fact, she would keep telling me, ‘Omar, I really fail to understand how so many girls are foolish enough to fall prey to your charms. They should run miles away from such a callous philanderer.’
I would say, ‘Rachel, you would change your mind if you ever became my girlfriend.’
‘Me? Are you mad? Even if you weren’t such a dear friend, I wouldn’t dream of hitching up with a loose character like you!’ She would then give me a hug to take away the sting from her words.
You can understand why I had assumed Rachel’s feelings for me were only platonic, and nothing more. It was also the reason I had been scared to reveal my own infatuation for her. I was sure it wouldn’t come to anything and I would lose my closest friend in the bargain.
It turned out I had been wrong all along.
Rachel avoided me for a week. We saw each other several times, of course, but she refused to speak to me. I couldn’t figure out what I had done so horribly wrong to deserve such harsh punishment. Through Sara, I sent her a bouquet of flowers (carefully plucked from various plants on our campus) and an apology note but there was no reply for a couple of days.
Second Lives Page 14