by Ronica Black
“Do whatever you like, Rylee. Whatever makes you happy.” She said it with sincerity and meant it. She had no claim to Cam, no intention of pursuing anything further with her, despite the way her heart was bleeding out in her chest in protest. Despite how saying those words aloud went against every fiber of her being.
She tried to reassure them all with a smile, but it didn’t seem to have the effect she was hoping for. They remained quiet, their concern evident. She sensed that they were unsure what to say or even what to believe. She walked inside, fearing that maybe they could somehow see the bleeding of her heart and how it was filling up her chest so thoroughly that she would soon begin to drown.
She hurried to the sink, already feeling like she couldn’t breathe, and washed up her dishes. She then slid into a soft jacket and headed back out onto the beach, rushing past her friends and their questioning stares, not giving anyone a chance to stop her.
Chapter Twenty-six
The bright, white glow of the computer screen blurred, along with the dozens of typed black letters. Cam sat back in her chair and rubbed her tired eyes. She glanced at the clock in her cozy den, noted it was after midnight, and yawned.
She’d been writing for six hours straight and if it wasn’t for her eyes, which were now burning, she would’ve put on a pot of coffee and continued. But she’d been at it for three days, working for extended periods, completely engrossed in her newly created world, until either the dogs yipped at her for a bathroom break, or her own body protested for one. She was tired, bordering on exhausted, but man, did it feel good to be back in the zone.
She rolled away from her desk, leaned forward, and jostled the dogs’ jowls affectionately when they came to her with wagging tails. Then she stood for a long, bone-popping stretch.
“What do you say we call it a night, guys?” They ran to the door in agreement.
“Go on,” she said as they stepped outside. The dogs hurried down to the sand, eager for the freedom to explore and run around. She watched them from the edge of the patio, hands resting on the waist-high wall. The moon was luminous and its reflection rippled in tiny lights along the surface of the inky ocean and lit up the milky white sand for miles. Cam inhaled, thankful for the moment, thankful for the return of her imagination and the drive to put it to paper. She almost felt like her old self, the writer who worked long hours when the mood struck and constantly thought about the story when it didn’t.
She almost felt like she had before the accident.
Like her long empty glass was filling from the bottom up with water she’d been dying for, water she was so incredibly grateful to have. But as needed and as wonderful as it was, the water came to a stop, filling less than halfway, only providing enough to wet her parched mouth and give her throat and body a tease of what was really needed to quench her thirst.
Nevertheless, that small amount of water had reawakened her and moved her to action, to sit at her desk and begin. And the more she worked, the more she began to relax, reassured that her creativity seemed to be here to stay.
She no longer worried about losing it to that dark abyss that loomed in the back corner of her mind.
She closed her eyes against the breeze and listened to the gentle crashing of the waves. Her glass was finally refilling and she was relieved. She knew though, why it was only filling to a certain point. Lexi was gone and she was never coming back. She’d been the main reason why her glass had been so full. Without her, there was a void, an emptiness that she doubted would ever be filled. The return to her writing and the truce she seemed to have with Blake, however, made her feel hopeful about possibly regaining some of the person she’d been when Lexi was alive.
She opened her eyes and wiped away the tear that had slipped down her cheek. She wasn’t ever going to be exactly the same as she was then. She knew that and she didn’t expect it. She could even see the difference in her writing. It was deeper now, more human, more emotional. Love, loss, and pain were all explored and a huge part of her characters’ journeys. Her previous work had been driven by action, setting, and the struggle to exist. This new story was character-driven and all about the inner journey and the inner struggle to survive the love and loss that every human endures. Love and loss that she knew all too well.
The dogs came back from the west side of the house. Bo froze, ears up and then back. His tail started going and he took off through the sand with the other two close behind. Cam walked down the steps and followed them, wondering if she should call for them, but hoping she wouldn’t have to since it was so late.
She didn’t have to go far to see what they were after. Or rather, whom they were after.
Blake was sitting in the sand.
The dogs interrupted her solitude but she didn’t seem to mind. She greeted them as she always did, with love and affection.
Cam shook her head as she smiled.
Blake sure did love her dogs. And they definitely loved her.
Maybe that does mean something.
“I would apologize for their intrusion, but something tells me you wouldn’t accept it,” Cam said as she approached Blake, who was all smiles, loving on the dogs.
“You would be right. They are always welcome by me.”
“It’s a good thing, because I’m too exhausted to continue to fight that battle.” She eased her hands into the pockets of her thick athletic pants. She felt the wind toying with her hair and with her T-shirt, but the chill felt good, refreshing.
“You’re not cold?” Blake asked. She was bundled up in a soft hooded jacket, jeans, and thick-looking socks. The blanket she had wrapped around her shoulders was an additional layer.
“Not at the moment,” Cam said. “You look a little warmer than you did the other night.”
“You would think, right? I’m afraid that’s not the case. I’m still cold.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re from Phoenix. Phoenicians don’t do cold. Or anything below seventy degrees.” Cam looked up at the sky. “The view is just too good to miss, though, isn’t it?”
“It is. It’s one of those things I know I’ll miss when I’m gone. One of those things I’ll never forget and will always want to see again and again.” She laughed a little and began playing with the sand. “That sounds sappy, I know.”
“It’s beautiful,” Cam said. “And I know exactly what you mean.”
Blake looked up at her curiously.
Cam chuckled. “Don’t look so shocked.” She nodded toward the sand. “Mind if I sit?”
“Please,” Blake said.
Cam sat and leaned back on her hands.
“And I wasn’t shocked,” Blake said. “Not at you understanding what I mean, anyway.”
“Then what were you shocked at?”
“The fact that you shared that with me.”
They both looked out at the sea and the dogs left them to explore the area nearby.
“You’re usually rather reluctant to share personal things about yourself.”
“That’s funny because I find the same to be true about you.”
Blake looked at her like she expected to find Cam upset. But Cam smiled and crossed her ankles.
“Why are we like that?” Blake asked, gazing back toward the sea as if it might have the answers.
“I know why I’m like that,” Cam said. “Why are you?”
Blake made a noise. “I don’t know, obviously, or I wouldn’t have questioned it. Why are you so private?”
“I have my reasons.”
Blake laughed. “But you’re not going to share them.”
“No.”
Blake shook her head.
“How’s your book?” Cam asked.
“Book?”
“Your romance.”
Blake tossed some sand at Cam’s legs. “Are you trying to start something with me?”
“I’m just curious.” She couldn’t help but grin. “It’s good, isn’t it?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
/> “That’s a big fat lie.”
Blake turned and almost completely faced her. “You don’t know,” she said. But the raised pitch to her voice and her overly adamant denial were enough proof to Cam that she was right.
“I do know,” Cam said, looking directly at her. “But that’s okay if you still don’t want to tell me. I’m sure you have your reasons. It is a good book, though. Very steamy.”
Blake was quiet, her eyes appearing to be on a very serious mission to suss Cam out.
“I’ve shocked you again.”
“Frankly, yes.”
“Because I read romances like that?”
“Because you read at all.”
Cam cracked up. “For someone who isn’t fond of assumptions, you sure make a lot of them.”
“I feel the same about you.” She smirked. “I’m just giving you a hard time. I already knew you liked to read. I saw you reading on your patio one day. It did surprise me though.”
You saw me reading?
What else do you know about me, that you haven’t shared?
Chapter Twenty-seven
Cam sat up, the chill of the night air starting to get to her. Or was it Blake all snuggled up in that blanket that was causing her to feel cold?
She hugged her knees and smiled over at her, thinking about the confession she’d just made admitting that she was surprised that Cam read.
“It’s strange but I’m not getting upset at you right now. I’m actually kind of finding this whole conversation funny.” She shrugged.
“I’m not upset either,” Blake said softly. “I’m not sure why because you’re definitely getting under my skin again. Maybe I’m just getting used to you being a pain in the ass.”
“I can live with that,” Cam said. “As long as you can live with my thinking you’re a seriously stubborn one.”
Blake tossed more sand at her. “Deal. But don’t push it.”
“I’ll try not to.”
“That’s a big fat lie.”
Cam laughed. “You’re really funny for someone so uptight.”
“And you’re really deep for someone who doesn’t seem to give a fuck.”
They both laughed and Cam tried to curl up tighter against the breeze. Blake scooted closer and held open her blanket.
“Wanna share?”
Cam saw nothing but kindness and sincerity in her eyes, but that did very little to reassure her considering all those crazy feelings of desire she’d experienced when she’d first met Blake were returning. Cam wasn’t sure if she could handle trying to wrangle them up again.
What was worse was wondering if she ever had really gotten them under control the first time.
“Since we haven’t seemed to be able to share anything else between us, including polite conversation, I thought at the very least we could manage to share a blanket,” Blake said.
The image of Blake sitting there in the sand with her arm outstretched to her, offering her warmth and solace, was irresistible, and Cam edged closer, until their bodies were lightly touching and allowed Blake to drape the blanket around her shoulders.
“Better?”
Cam nodded. “Much. Thanks.”
They sat in silence and Cam was very still, aware of Blake’s warmth, her scent, and her breathing. The suntan lotion Cam usually smelled on her was gone, replaced by something sweeter. Cam wasn’t sure if it was a perfume or what exactly. She just knew that she was reacting to it much stronger than she had the suntan lotion. And that reaction had been powerful in itself.
Especially when she was in that yellow bikini.
“You really read that book?” Blake asked.
“I did. A long time ago. I believe I finished it in a day.”
“It must be good then.”
“Have you really not read it?”
“I really haven’t.”
“Should I ask why? Or would that get me ousted from the cover of the blanket?”
Blake smiled and rubbed her palm over her knee. “I don’t know. They seem silly to me, I guess. Overly dramatic and fantastical. No one really wants someone else that badly. Or feels that strongly for someone else. It’s just not reality.”
“Those are the very reasons why people like them. It’s an escape, a fantasy, and even though it’s made up, it represents something that they may want or wish they could experience. That’s what books do. They take us to places we can’t necessarily go to, and enable us to experience things we otherwise may not be able to.”
“I understand. I love to read for those reasons too,” Blake said. “Just not those particular books.”
“Too much emotion?”
“Could be.”
“People really can feel that strongly for another person,” Cam said. “That does happen.”
“Maybe for some.”
“But not for you?”
“The uncontrollable love and desire, willing to sacrifice anything for it kind of thing? No.” She laughed.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Cam said softly. “Maybe that’s why you’ve had trouble relating to romances. You haven’t ever felt that way.”
Blake was quiet.
“Or maybe you don’t want to read about something you’ve never had because deep down it is something you want. And reading about it might make your longing for it worse and more difficult to ignore.” Cam glanced at her, hoping with having said the words gently, that they wouldn’t upset her. “That wasn’t meant as an insult or to start anything with you.”
“Then why did you say it?” She met Cam’s gaze and her tone was as soft as Cam’s had been.
“Because I understand. For a while I avoided reading them for similar reasons. I didn’t want to read about what I no longer had.”
“Did you think you’d never have it again?”
“Yes.”
“But now you’re reading them again?”
“Yes. I started reading them again a little over a year ago.”
“Does that mean you’ve changed your mind about ever having that kind of love again?”
I don’t know.
The thought came out of nowhere and Cam was stunned, her answer always so perfectly clear before. For years, she’d believed that she’d never have those feelings for anyone else for as long as she lived. Lexi was her one true love, the only person she’d ever loved, desired, and cherished so deeply. Losing her had very nearly killed her, her heart torn from her chest and then torn to bits right in front of her eyes, over and over again for four years. Until she no longer felt the pain of her chest being plunged into by that vicious hand and no longer felt the ripping of her heart as that hand tore it out.
About a year ago, that had changed. The scene of her heart being torn out of her chest had still played out for her, but she’d no longer felt the pain that had always accompanied it. Mercy was what she’d called it. And although she’d been gifted that, one thing had stayed the same. Her firm belief that she’d never feel for another like that again.
So, why was she unsure about that now?
Her attraction to Blake was new and surprising, but it couldn’t cause her to doubt what she’d been so certain of. They didn’t even get along and Cam hadn’t been with a woman since Lexi, so her desire for Blake was probably more of a natural, strictly physical occurrence. Her body crying out for touch and affection.
Crying out.
Like right now.
The way Blake was looking at her, with such deep empathy and understanding, was pulling her in and Cam wanted to lean in and kiss her beautiful lips to see if they held the same emotion as her eyes. She wanted to know, wanted that connection, wanted to feel in the physical what Blake was showing her in her gaze.
Cam’s eyes brimmed with tears. She was overcome by Blake and her willingness to show her such emotion. And she was overcome by the way she wanted to respond.
Blake’s face clouded and she rested her hand on Cam’s forearm. Cam startled at the unexpected touch and Blake retreated.
“I’m sorry,” she said quickly.
Cam wiped a fallen tear and focused on the ocean. “It’s okay,” she said.
“I should’ve asked before I touched you and my hand is probably freezing.”
Cam managed to laugh a little. “It is a little cold, but it wasn’t awful.”
“I—you are so sad. I just wanted to comfort you.”
“I’m okay,” she said.
“You’re crying. So, I think you’re the grand prize winner of the big fat liar contest for tonight.”
Cam wiped her cheek again as she laughed. “For tonight, maybe. But I’m sure you’ll give me another run for my money.”
Blake nudged her playfully. “You can count on it.”
The dogs chased each other at the water’s edge and Cam wondered if she’d ever be that lighthearted and carefree again.
Blake spoke, interrupting the thought. “It isn’t my place to say, and I know you’re already hurting…but, Cam, I hope you don’t continue to believe that you’ll never have love again.”
“I hope the same for you.” She smiled, deeply moved by her words. The tears threatened again so she decided to lighten things up once more. “So you should go back inside tonight and give that book another chance.”
Blake shoved her. “God, you and that book!”
“I know you’ll do it. There’s no way you won’t read it now. You just probably won’t tell anyone.”
Byron trotted up to Cam and kissed her. Cam smooched his face and hugged him. “Someone’s ready for bed.”
Cam shrugged out from under the blanket and stood. “I better go tuck these guys in.” Bo and Bingo joined them, kissing on Blake, who thoroughly enjoyed it. “Are you ready to call it a night?” Cam asked her.
“Mm, I don’t know. I might.” She stared up at the moon. “Or I might stay out here a while longer and soak this in.”
“Stay warm, then. And thanks for sharing your blanket.”
“You’re welcome. You…stay warm too.”
They looked at each other for a few seconds and Cam realized that she didn’t want to leave her. She wanted to be back under that blanket snuggled up next to her, staring up at the sky.