by Brick
“If you had to choose between your life and Kwame’s, whose would you choose?” she asked me.
I thought for a moment as she moved around the room, cleaning his blood and bloodied clothes from the floor. I looked at him breathing softly as he slept.
“I know the way I’m supposed to answer this is to say I would choose his, but, he’s been through enough. He’s been fighting since he was just a kid, saw shit happen to his mama, found out he had been working for the nigga who had been a part of his mama and daddy getting killed. And now he’s in another battle for the fight of his life. So, if I had to choose my life or his, I’d choose my life, only because he needs peace, Auntie. He just needs to rest and be at peace. It’s been hell on earth for him for a long-ass time and I’d risk my life just to bring him peace. Still, this earthly shit for his life ain’t been no gotdamned crystal stair so I’d choose to stay here and suffer and send him to heaven. Even Jesus had a murderer in his clique and a nigga with a agenda.”
For a while, she just sat there and stared at me. I thought she didn’t get what I was saying, but when she stood and smiled, I knew she did.
“That’s how you know you’re in love,” was all she said before she walked out of the room.
I looked at the boy who was really a man. I’d been infatuated with that nigga a long time. Then infatuation turned into admiration, and now I was in love with him. My insides started trembling as I chewed down on my bottom lip.
“Shawty, do you even know what’chu saying?” he asked me, breaking my train of thought.
“Yes, I know what I’m saying, Kwame, because I’m saying that if I hadn’t come out of that bathroom I would have never met you. I would have never known what the fuck it felt like to be touched the way you touch me, or to be looked at the way you look at me, or to be protected the way you protect me. I’m saying if I didn’t come out of that bathroom then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be in love.”
There, I’d said that shit; and right after, I wished I hadn’t. Trigga just looked at me with a blank stare. Any emotion that had been on his face drained away. That light and passion that had been his eyes just moments before, flipped off like someone had turned off the lights.
“Naw, Diamond, we ain’t about to do this shit, li’l shawty,” he said as he threw his legs over the bed and slowly stood up.
My heart fell to my stomach like it was attached to an anvil. “Do what?”
“This love shit. I ain’t sign up for this.”
I was more hurt than shocked but shocked nonetheless. My throat swelled up and mouth felt like cotton was in it. I foolishly asked, “So why you having sex with me?”
He frowned. “What?”
“Why we act like we do with one another? Why you touch me like you do? Why you do what you do to me?” It wasn’t until I slapped the tears away from my face that I realized I was crying.
“Diamond. Ray-Ray. Shawty . . .” He flinched and growled low when he moved the wrong way and his injury made him pay for it.
“So, I’m good enough for everything else, just no good enough to love you?” I asked trying to keep calm.
“I ain’t saying that.”
“So, what’chu saying?”
“I’m saying a nigga like me ain’t built for no kind of love shit like this, not that shit you talking. I mean I got love for you, yeah, but naw, Diamond, I ain’t sign up for this shit.” He kept frowning like he was agitated. He would look at me then glance away like my presence was annoying him or something.
“So you just signed up to fuck?” I asked.
Trigga cut his eyes hard at me, but didn’t say anything. He moved around the room, kicking stuff out of his way then paying for it when pain would shoot up his side. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him when he went to reach up for a secret compartment he had hidden on the top of his bookshelf but was forced to bring his arm back down quickly because it hurt him to reach. I walked over to where he was set to help him get whatever he was reaching for. I pulled a chair over, stood in it, and grabbed the small but heavy black safe lock box.
I held it hostage until he answered my question. “You gon’ answer my question?”
He looked up at me, probably annoyed because I hadn’t handed him the box. “What question?”
“You know what question, Kwame.”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t wanna know the answer to, li’l shawty,” was all he said as he tried to reach for the box.
I jerked back and kept it out of his reach. For a long time I just stared down at him. I didn’t know what I was feeling but it was something between rejection and anger. Somewhere between embarrassment for being stupid enough to think, even for a second, that he would love me. After all, I was still Ray-Ray, the girl who Dame made suck his dick then nut on my face in front of him. It was months later and that nigga Dame still had control of my life. I hated it. But more so, in that moment, I hated myself for catching feelings for Trigga.
When he reached for the box again, I slapped the shit out of him then shoved him hard so he would fall over the stool behind. He stumbled back, but probably wouldn’t have fallen if that stool wasn’t there. I stepped down from the chair feeling like I’d done something to make him hurt physically like I was doing emotionally and mentally. But when that nigga scowled and his eyes locked on mine, I backed away. And when he leapt from that floor like he just wasn’t flinching in pain moments before, my black ass turned into Flo-Jo. I had been afraid of Dame, too, but there was something different in the look that Trigga was giving me. I knew when Dame got mad he was going to harm me simply because his ass was evil. The look in Trigga’s eyes read something I wasn’t used to.
I made a quick dash for the door, dropping the safe on his bed on the way out. I still felt that nigga moving a little too fast to be injured behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw he was right there. I screamed running from the room and ran smack into Phenom, falling on my ass in the process.
If I ain’t know no better, I would have thought he did that shit on purpose with the way he looked down at me with an amused expression on his face. I ain’t have time to think about that though. Trigga had grabbed my bun and was yanking me off the floor. I screamed as I rolled over on my knees and grabbed at his hand on my hair.
Phenom moved around me to get his nephew. “No deal, Kwame. Let her go,” he said to him, but that nigga still had my hair.
“Naw, I done told her about putting her damn hands in my face,” Trigga spit out.
“Kwame, let her go, nephew.”
“I ain’t saying I’ma choke the shit out her motherfucking ass, but I’m saying I’m about to hug the fuck out of her neck passionately.”
I couldn’t see Trigga’s face, but I knew by the grip he had on my hair and by the tone in his voice that he was serious.
From somewhere, Anika appeared and I felt her grab my waist, and Phenom took Trigga’s hand from my hair finally. I wasn’t gone lie like I wasn’t scared, but I was just too embarrassed to let Trigga know it.
When I was a safe distance behind my aunt and Phenom had Trigga safely accosted I yelled, “Fuck you, nigga.”
That bravado was short-lived when Trigga broke Phenom’s hold. I didn’t even waste time to see if Phenom grabbed him again. I was gone down those damn stairs so fast I almost knocked Big Jake’s big, beefy ass down in the process. When my aunt finally found me I was hiding in her study because I knew Trigga wouldn’t go in there without her permission. When she walked in, I jumped just in case that crazy nigga threw caution to the wind anyway.
“Sit down, Diamond,” she told me. The tone in her voice wasn’t really friendly, but it didn’t sound as if she was mad at me either. She pulled her Havana braids back into a ponytail and sighed as she looked at me. She took her time pouring herself a glass of Jamaican rum before she sat down in front of me.
“Don’t be that girl,” she finally said.
I was confused, didn’t understand what she meant by that. �
��Huh?”
“Don’t be that girl who can’t handle the truth and then turn to violence or hate because the man didn’t have the response she wanted him to. Don’t be that chick who screams they want honesty but can’t handle it. So then a nigga feels like he has to start lying just to get what he want or just to keep the peace.”
I glanced down at my fingers then back up at her as tears burned my eyelids. She must have known what happened between me and Trigga. “I don’t understand why he—”
She waved her hand to cut me off. “Just because a man has sex with you and fuck you like he’s never fucked another doesn’t mean he loves you. He loves the way sex feels with you, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing else. You’re still young and one day all this will make sense to you, but right now, in the situation, I’m telling you to be mature enough to respect that fact that he told you the truth. He could have been like every other nigga and just told you what you wanted to hear then stuck his dick in your mouth and pussy afterward just to get a nut, but he didn’t.”
I really didn’t want to hear her taking his side. Really didn’t want to accept the fact that he didn’t or wouldn’t love me. I really wanted to think that I was good enough for more than sex with him, but I wasn’t.
“You got ten minutes to cry, be in your feelings, and be all emotional. Then I’m going to need you to suck that shit up. We got work to do.”
I looked back up at my aunt and saw that while she was looking at me, her eyes telling me the untold story of her and Phenom and I was too young to pick up on it.
“So, I’m supposed to not feel some type of way about this or him either?”
“Oh, yeah, you can feel whatever way you want for the next ten minutes. Then for the remainder of your time here on this earth and as a part of this team, you can’t and won’t. We don’t need emotions going into the field with us. You’ll be a live wire otherwise. You love him. That’s your problem, not his. That’s for you to deal with, not him. You never make a man pay for telling you the truth.”
“He could have just said so from the jump,” I defended myself.
“Did you ask him from the jump?”
“No, but if he knew—”
“If he knew what? He’s not a mind reader. He’s a young man who is physically attracted to a young woman. Both of you acted and still act on those same attractions, only you got caught in your feelings. Accept that, own it, and move on.”
I watched as she stood and downed the amber-colored liquid in the glass in one swallow. “You got ten minutes, Diamond. That’s it. Phenom has two people downstairs he wants us to meet with. They’re allies and we’re strategizing a game plan. Get it together. You and Trigga are important players on this team and we need both of you level-headed enough to get back in the game. Ten minutes, no more, no less. You understand me?”
Even though I didn’t want to, I nodded. She walked toward the door then turned to look back at me after opening it. “Another thing.”
“Yeah?”
“Never put your hands on a man and think he’s just going to take it because he is a man, understand? If you’re big and bad enough to pass a hit, you’d better be big and bad enough to take one. You owe him an apology. I expect you to give him one.”
Chapter 24
Trigga
“You do know you’re dipping all on my floor, nephew?” amusingly sounded behind me.
My face was twisted up in anger. My body felt like it was tensed and heated up all at the same time and while I was ready to go in on Diamond, my eyes wouldn’t stop watching her ass. Damn, I was all kinds of fucking up mentally right now and wasn’t digging it at all.
“Yo, why she have to jump stupid like that huh? Cluckin’ and shit. I was honest and you mad now? Fuck outta here,” I shouted and clutched my side angrily walked back into my room
Jake’s laughter could be heard behind me. “I’ll clean it up, fam; cool him down.”
“Oh shit, bruv! Why am I missing the good shit?” Speedy sounded off as he walked past us. Everyone in this bitch was a comedian I saw.
“Chill out and assess the situation, nephew,” Phenom calmly said behind me as he closed the door.
Kicking my shoes that had fallen out the closet while I had chased Diamond out the room, I scowled and pushed my locs out my face. “I am damn. She play too much. Why she even have to go there, I don’t even know. Broads get too hung up and shit.”
“Get dressed. I won’t be at this meeting in the flesh but I’ll be at it . . .” he explained walking around me to pick up whatever had fallen in the scuffle.
There was a seriousness mixed with amusement in his voice that had me watching him as I got dressed.. I’d seen his fall guy and right hand, Mirror, another cousin who always played like Phenom whenever meetings went down, exit out of my unk’s office. Glancing around my room, I snatched up my shirt and crossed my arms over my chest.
“What?”
My uncle sat on the edge of my dresser with his ankles crossed mirroring how I looked. Wisdom seemed to spark in his eyes while watching me; it reminded me of how my pops would look at me as a kid and something about it had my raging spirit calming down.
“When dealing with mamis you do know you need to rephrase how you spit at them right, nephew? Honesty can be helpful but that shit can be a knife, too. You cut her,” he explained.
“Man, look. I wasn’t even trying to. Wasn’t malice in my heart, man, she just came at me sideways and shit. We ain’t got time for that rah-rah. You know that nigga would use whatever he can against me . . . us,” I fussed, my hands moving in front of me in agitation.
Phenom gave a slight smile. He really was like looking at my pops in how he moved and he had my mom’s eyes. Their presence mixed with my unk’s was all in the room suddenly and it slowly made me feel uncomfortable. A sensation in my heart had me rubbing my chest and I look down at my feet to settle it.
“No doubt, nephew, but you already know he’s going to use it anyway. Her loving you ain’t shit to the mixture—”
Cutting him off, I shrugged. “Yeah, I mean it’s whateva. Set her straight, we got other shit to worry about. I ain’t trying to settle down or nothin’ anyway; don’t know why I gotta be the one she gettin’ at like that anyway.”
“Because your mind is turning it into a weakness, nephew. Now that shit ain’t acceptable and can get you fucked up. But it ain’t my place to tell you who you love, but I’m just telling you, nephew, my blood, nigga, wake up.” Phenom let out a deep-set laughter that had my mind going back to the past in my family.
Everything I saw between my parents and grew up on contradicted how my street life made me feel about a man and woman. A nigga didn’t have to go soft just to hold down his woman. It didn’t happen with my pops and mom and it wasn’t going down with my unk and Anika.
“A man chooses how he makes his bed and a grown man knows how to keep it made. Love ain’t a weakness; it’s power, and you can use that shit in the chaos of the madness because it can heal you and make you stronger nephew. Regardless of how you maintain that shit. Know the moment you disrespect the love that shit can turn on you and become death; know that, acknowledge that, and see that.”
“But see, look it ain’t even all of that.”
Waving a hand in the air, the man I called Phenom stood in front of me as my uncle Ahmir. My shoulders slumped for a moment before I stood straight content that I knew my shit and I wasn’t wrong.
“I hear you, see you, and know you, little dude, because I was you. Hear me when I say, you deserve the kingdom you have been born into. That means even that future queen at your side. The One Power knows what it is down and doesn’t make no mistakes. Who is made for you is made for you. And in the chaos right now, she was made for you.”
Thumbing his nose, Phenom tilted his head and ran a hand over his waves as if remembering something before resting it on my shoulder. “Feel me on this, and check it my blood. Later, you might learn she was eventually bred for you. Unti
l then, you take the gifts and let it be your power. That is your right as a prince of this kingdom and a young king of the streets. Don’t be that nigga in the streets who got a girl loving him and he doesn’t stand by her because he doesn’t know his own heart, his own self, his own feelings, a’ight? Been there done that and take that shit from me, I had pussy, still have pussy. Had to learn what worked for me as a man in love with a woman like Anika and she had to do the same.”
It was strange getting schooled like this from him, only because now we were talking not about street shit, how to survive our enemies and build our empire, naw. Right now, his Brooklyn accent was flowing over me. He was teaching me how to survive being a man and wanting pussy and keeping pussy happy. The words of my mom’s came back to me, and it made me rub my heart again. If Diamond was a Jaguar then pissing her off would crumble me, my empire; and on some real shit, I think I was starting to care, more than I’ve ever experienced with any broad or chick. Pussy used to be disposable, still kinda was, but Diamond wasn’t like that. She was better than that and Dame tried to make her that, but it wasn’t in her natural progression as a chick. Naw, shawty was definitely a jaguar and then, I guess, that made her a queen.
My unk’s low chuckle hit me back into reality and checked back in, to hear what he was saying. “I see you thinking and that’s a good thing, nephew. Listen, Anika and I went through our shit. Fucked up but always came back together. Cut the bullshit at the pass and get on the right course, ’cause if you stay on that right course, you and her can fuck up however you want, but as long as you got a understanding and unity, ain’t nothing going to keep what you know in your heart as a man and what you know in her heart from causing division. Anyway, the rest you got to learn on your own and I’ll guide you only a little, so don’t be that nigga. Let’s go.”
Glancing up at a man who just basically schooled me without really saying too much, I shook my head and thought on Diamond and his words. For the first time in my life, a nigga was confused as shit, and his chest hurt all in that moment. The sound of our boots on the maple floor was my only solace until he stepped off and paused before going into his office. “Hey, tell her sorry before she does. Go handle business.”