by John Austin
Zombie History
Like zombies throughout history, you roam in the present by the seat of your soiled pants. You have enough trouble just staggering day to day, and probably don’t have any interest in eyeballing your gloomy past. Unfortunately, this fixed mindset can be unhealthy (just like you!). When it comes to sustained destruction, the undead have a mediocre legacy, and without some slight rubbernecking, history can easily repeat itself. We’ve ripped out most of the blood-soaked details, narrowing it down to a skeletal outline.
Prehistoric Zombies
Zombo sapiens stumbled into West Africa roughly 200,000 years ago, hauntingly close to the time of modern man—Homo sapiens. Evidence indicates that in the beginning, breathers and the undead had many similarities. Both species exhibited shoddy communications skills, lacked personal hygiene, and occasionally experimented with cannibalism.
The ancient zeds lacked any zombie culture, though they did exhibit primitive communal dynamics, assembling into hordes, also known as mobs or zombie walks, to hunt down their elusive prey. With relatively few humans to feed on, the ancient zeds were often on the brink of severe decomposition. Once massed together, early Zombo sapiens would rely heavily on the newly reanimated to sniff out hidden human flesh. If a human victim was located, the new recruits’ screams and moans would shatter the stale air and stimulate the starved pack to close in on the bewildered human. Flesh proportions would have to be shared.
Not only was Zombo sapiensʹ existence a constant struggle for survival, but also the ancient strain of the z-virus was weak by today’s standards. For both these reasons, our earliest ancestors succeeded in infesting only a minuscule portion of the human population.
Soon, however, populations of Homo sapiens and Zombo sapiens were both on the rise, and it became more difficult to coexist. Uninfected humans invented stone tools, including blunt weapons, and embraced pointlessly aggressive behavioral patterns. Armed and dangerous, the living were now killing zombies for pleasure, a murderous pursuit that previewed humankind’s bloody future.
With an undead genocide underway, the zeds were forced to evolve in order to survive. They developed a persistent hunger for brains that transcended their basic need for nourishment. Other evolutionary adaptations also occurred: increased adrenaline production, and changes in the positioning of the larynx and hyoid bone that improved their projectile vomiting abilities.
The Zombie of Dolni figure is one of the earliest known depictions of the walking undead. Found in the Czech Republic, it has been dated to approximately 28,000 years ago.
With the zeds bullied into aggressiveness, zombie attacks began to rise during the Middle Paleolithic Age, about 150,000 years ago. Our ancestors began to experiment with nocturnal hunting; they could more easily locate breathing humans in the dark, while the defending breathers found it more difficult to see clearly and defend themselves. Soon, with an estimated world population of around 4,000 living and 400 undead, humans were on the brink of extinction. Unfortunately, ancient zombies lacked the ambition to finish the job, a pesky trait many of us suffer from to this day.
The living, on the other hand, took action to ensure their own survival. Around 40,000 B.C., they began to migrate away from zombie-infested territories. Armed with hunting spears and food rations, they divided into three tribes and set off in different directions, thus beginning the exodus from Africa. Hungry and pissed off, the undead straggled behind, feasting on the weak.
The first human tribe set out north, along the Nile River, then navigated into southern Asia. The zombie horde kept pace, shadowing the living, until their sluggish eating habits created an unbridgeable distance between them and their remaining enemies. The humans had outmaneuvered the flesh hunters, and the zombie horde’s fate is unrecorded.
The second tribe crossed the Red Sea, which at that time was 230 feet lower than its present level. Once across the strait, the living continued marching east toward the coastal regions of what is now India. Trying to contain the humans, the zombies pushed them to the Beringia land bridge, which connected Asia to present-day North America. Unfortunately, the pursuers were ill prepared to cross the thousand-mile ice-covered tundra; the freezing conditions rendered their undead bodies useless (see “Cold,” page 62), and they were ultimately lost to the elements. It is assumed that the humans survived and completed their journey into North America.
It wasn’t until the third tribe migrated that we achieve a feasting victory. This last tribe of breathers headed south, not realizing their journey would come to abrupt stop at the coast. Quickly outnumbered by the pursuing undead (Go, zed, go!), the tribe was overtaken and hunted to extinction.
Exodus Out of Africa
With these three great migrations, the z-virus was out, spread globally. Further outbreaks could now strike any time, anywhere.
The Zombie Name
The birth of an everlasting name! Although humankind had whispered warnings about the undead menace for thousands of centuries, it wasn’t until relatively recently that they granted us recognition in the form of our own name: zombie. The term was coined in the 16th century A.D. by a bunch of tasty Central and West African slaves. Kidnapped from Africa by transatlantic slave traders, these displaced tribesmen were soon confronted with a number of hardships waiting in the New World, including our rambunctious company.
Exhausted from hours in the hot cotton, coffee, and tobacco fields of Haiti, the slaves became easy targets, and our Caribbean ancestors stealthily gobbled them down under cover of darkness. Because the torture of slaves was a regular occurrence, our victims’ screams of pain were completely ignored, and our night hunting continued unopposed—until, during one attack, we got a little sloppy.
It appears that a lone slave survived to witness our undead, cannibalistic feeding habits. Our secret was out, and we noticed that slaves began to travel in groups with farm tools as makeshift weapons for protection. These groups were often a mix of West and Central African people who spoke a variety of native languages. Those who spoke Kimbundu, coming out of Angola, called us nzumbe or nzambi, a word that means “spirit of a dead person.” People from the Congo spoke Bantu and called us zondi, a word that means “ghost” or “soul of a dead person.” It wasn’t long before these displaced people combined the words into zombie (ZOM-bee), which would enter the English lexicon in 1871.
NZUMBE + ZONDI = ZOMBIE
As for the slaveholders, at first they assumed that the tales of undead attackers were just myths, products of the slaves’ voodoo religion. They misdiagnosed our killings as animal attacks. But there were no major predators in Haiti (crocodiles and iguanas were quickly exonerated), and of course devoured human carcasses began to turn up, surrounded by our stumbling humanoid footprints. Slave owners eventually decided that the myths must be true—and that voodoo itself was to blame for the attacks. They quickly forbade the public practice of the religion, forced voodoo practitioners to convert to Catholicism, and accused voodoo priests and priestesses of witch-craft, but the attacks did not cease. And the slaves, who knew their religion was not to blame for our eating habits, continued to secretly practice voodoo to preserve their culture. This is why today we are often associated with voodoo.
Of course, even the slaves’ understanding of our nature was horribly inaccurate. To suggest that we are merely the spirits of dead humans—it’s an insult! It wasn’t until the mid-1900s that the breathers fully understood our dreaded behavior and constructed a new, more accurate definition of the term zombie: an undead body that feeds on the living. That’s us!
Other Zombie Names
Our rotten team has cataloged a more complete list of names the humans have bestowed upon the walking dead.
banshees
biters
bloodeaters
boomers
brain-eaters
brainless
the Brainy Bunch
carriers
chompers
crawlers
creepers
the damned
deadheads
the decomposed
decomps
drifters
the evil dead
flesh-eaters
ghouls
the grave dead
greenies
the half-rotten
hulks
immolators
the infected
the living dead
jujus
mindless drones
moaners
mutants
ndzumbi
nzambe
nzumbe
parahumans
plague carriers
post-lifers
the reanimated
red-eyes
the restless dead
the risen
the rising
Romero types
the rotted
rotters
revenants
Satan’s soldiers
screamers
shamblers
shufflers
shuffling dead
siafu
souless body
specters
stenches
stenchers
stiffs
stumblers
toxic avengers
toxic Zs
the undead
the undying
walkers
the walking dead
walking corpses
Zacks
zambi
zed-heads
zeds
zeros
zom-bustibles
zombi
the zombified
Zombo sapiens
zombies
Zs
zumbi 1
The Modern Zombie
Over the last few decades, boneheaded human scientists have inadvertently begun to contribute to the undead cause. At this very moment, they are experimenting with genetically engineered, highly contagious versions of the z-virus. If one of these test-tube strains were accidentally introduced into the general population, it could unleash an unstoppable zombie pandemic, a scenario we’ve being itching for for centuries.
But we modern zombies canʹt just lie in wait, hoping that some foolhardy breather will do our job for us. If zed history has taught us anything, it’s that we must remain vigilant and lunge at every opportunity that presents itself. The humans continue to evolve—greater weapons, a greater appetite for war and destruction—and so must we. One thing is certain: until the living no longer exist, we cannot rest.
Significant Events in Zed History
Not in the Family
Now that you’ve been introduced to your undead heritage, you may feel the urge to reach out to the zombie horde. Not so fast—you still have a lot left to learn! First, you must be able to distinguish between fellow zeds who share your destiny, and zedlike humanoids who are not on your side. Remember, a breather’s body is vulnerable not only to the z-virus but also to all types of other intruders. Just because it smells like a zombie and looks like a zombie, doesn’t mean it is a zombie! Study this list to better identify nonzombie types you may encounter during your roaming.
Intoxicated Humans. During the early stages of a zombie outbreak, humans may attempt to escape the reality of their hopeless situation by overconsuming alcoholic beverages or hallucinogenic drugs. These substances will mimic many symptoms of zombification, including impaired balance, slurred speech, reddened eyes, and impulsive behavior.How to Identify Them: They emit puffs of smoke or hold containers of fluid.
Can You Eat Them? Yes, hiccupping or not. Intoxicated humans are easy prey, as they are often falling asleep or distracted by the munchies. And better still, intoxicated human flesh has a “kick.”
The Sick. Humans constantly battle thousands of nonzombie viruses. These invading organisms can cause fevers, paralysis, comas, and even heart stoppage, all symptoms of zombification. However, none of these viruses cause reanimation. Other symptoms that might confuse you are the stench of decomposing flesh (gangrene), discoloration, and vomiting.
How to Identify Them: Look for hospital beds, thermometers, and IV bags.
Can You Eat Them? Sure! Whatever you have is far worse than what they have.
The Mentally Disturbed. Some humans are so overwhelmed by a zombie invasion that they lose all mental control. They begin to act like their zombie opponents and will even bite other uninfected humans. These “quislings” do not suffer from zombification, although they may actually believe they are infected.How to Identify Them: Mentally disturbed humans smell of fresh flesh and are possibly bound by other humans.
Can You Eat Them? Yes. No matter what the mental capacity of a ʺQʺ victim, brains taste like brains.
The Demoniacal. Occasionally, living humans are victims of demonic possession—that is, host to evil spirits that are trying to enter the world of the living using the victim as a gateway. When possessed, the human body is under the partial or full control of the demon and could exhibit zombielike behavior.How to Identify Them: Excessive cursing (normal) and spinning heads (not normal).
Can You Eat Them? No. Demons are frickin’ crazy and unpredictable. Avoid food laced with demonic spirits.
The Nanoinfected. Scientists may deliberately introduce microscopic robots into a human body, to either provide the body with physical enhancements (speed and strength, not bosoms) or reprogram it with a new set of objectives. Advanced nanobots may even keep the host body functioning after death, while they search for a new, healthy host and try to transfer themselves via a bite just like the z-virus.How to Identify Them: While the movements of a fellow zed are jerky and erratic, nanoinfected bodies move with robotic precision. They may also speak, and have a tendency to use repetitive vocabulary.
Can You Eat Them? It’s unlikely that nanobots would be programmed to both infiltrate living bodies and kill the undead, so eat up.
Pretend Zombies. No, we are not joking. Humans have been observed deliberately mimicking our movements in order to escape or relocate from shoddy hiding places. Oooh, scary! How to Identify Them: Often pretenders try to mask the sweet smell of their flesh with lotions, deodorants, and other smells, but the zombie nose always knows.
Can You Eat Them? Absolutely! These zombie poseurs should be eaten—slowly and alive!
However, if you happen to come within biting distance of a zombie poseur, give the act a few seconds before you begin chomping. Chances are, eager onlookers are waiting to see the results of the strategy before they attempt to escape as well. Be patient and maybe other lemmings will follow.
2
YOUR ZOMBIE BODY
No need to ask your doctor if the z-virus is right for you—a zombified body is a definite upgrade from your fragile human form. As a human, you were vulnerable to freak accidents, countless fatal diseases, and cheeseburger-induced heart attacks. Strange as it seems, the deadly virus may have actually prolonged your stay on earth. If in fact, if you were scheduled for a toe tag, the z-virus may have been your winning lottery ticket. So go on, make the most of your new body like you stole it—because you did! This chapter will show you how.
Body Parts of Importance
In your oxygen-rich past, your human body was a veritable smorgasbord of complex parts, each dedicated to a unique function necessary for the operation of the whole. Sounds interesting, right?
Wrong! This overly complicated system serves no purpose in the undead universe. The z-virus took the opportunity to trash-can most of its functions, and those that remain have been altered almost beyond recognition. However, after the elegant artistry of the zombification process, the leftovers are surprisingly efficient. You may even say superior. From flesh to claws, the zombie body is fully equipped to serve as an instrument of human destruction.
For example, the virus has modified the muscles in your jaw, relaxing and elongating them to increase your chewing force—quite beneficial when chomping human flesh. In addition, your jaw has become more flexible, making it possible to
literally fit your foot in your mouth—or someone else’s. The modifications also increase your swallowing potential.
Scan the menu below for more juicy facts on your most important zed equipment.
Arms. Your arm bone should be connected to your hand bone, and your hand bone catches food. Zeds blessed with two arms have a higher success rate when hunting. Some quick-witted zombies are also capable of using their hands for holding weapons or operating simple human mechanisms. Some rare strains of the z-virus will allow a zombie’s arms to remain active even after they’ve been disconnected from its body; this type of motion is known as zedothermic movement.
Legs. Are you a leg guy or gal—meaning, do you have two of them? These helpful appendages are responsible for moving you from one place to another. Decomposition and other viral side effects have likely hampered their coordination, which is why you have that stereotypical zombie limp, shuffle, or shamble. Legs on fresh zeds move the fastest, so use them before you lose them! Newly undead zombies are capable of adrenaline bursts that surpass those of the average zed, allowing them to move at incredible speeds of up to one step every 1.5 seconds.