by John Austin
Even gun-toting humans are a manageable threat, as most of them have terrible aim. And as battles rage on, there will be an ammunition shortage; bullets will run out quickly. If you stay to the rear of an attacking horde, you can reduce the risk of a fatal head shot (see “Avoiding the Bullet,” page 84).
Physically Not Fit
Human obesity levels are grossly underestimated; the majority of humans are not built for combat. These “biggest losers” have two options: fight or flee. Most jelly bellies choose to avoid pudgy-hand-to-zombie-hand combat, and flee. They can exhibit impressive feats of speed on their oversized legs, but eventually the Big Macs take their toll, causing fatigue and excruciating sideaches.
In the end, the brain-eating turtle wins the race. A persistent zed will exhaust them, though the hunter may face the unpleasant possibility of having to watch these humans blow chunks. If that doesn’t make you sick, take a look at the human food below.
Predisposed to Insanity
Breathers are crazy. Their personal feelings can erupt in all sorts of hysterical ways, inevitably decreasing their chances of survival. At the slightest suggestion that they might end up on our menu, humans will panic. They’ll randomly wave swords or shoot aimlessly, slashing fellow defenders’ jugulars or worse. In addition, claustrophobia, video game withdrawal, or a misguided urge to reunite with family and pets can lead to an ill-advised journey out of a hiding place. Most of this craziness adds up to an easy meal for you.
By the end of a truly devastating zombie outbreak, the breathers may have succumbed to total desperation. They may take their own lives to avoid joining the ranks of the undead—or they may try to join our ranks even without being infected (see “The Mentally Disturbed,” page 12).
Always Drawing Attention to Themselves
Hey, look at me, I’m at Pacific Playland! Humans continually evolve and have, just recently, mutated into multitaskers. Case studies have shown that the living today are incapable of sitting quietly. They constantly create noises by humming, tapping, whistling, and talking. These annoying noises piss us off—and tip us off that dinner is served!
Zeds have also observed that the living find it necessary to surround themselves with objects that increase their visibility. Barking dogs, vehicles, weapons, electrical appliances, and other technologies flash before our eyes and ring in our ears, helping us pinpoint which direction we should shamble. When humans shoot out a window, turn on the lights, or let the family dog bark, they’re letting you know that you’ll be eating good.
At the Mercy of Big Brother
If it’s anything like the TV show Big Brother, the human resistance is going to be a train wreck! There is no question that during a z-virus epidemic, military personnel or other government officials will be dispatched to “assist” the living. However, this aid will take the form of containment only—officials will simply set up a large perimeter around the infected area.
At this point, it’s open season on everyone trapped inside the confines of zombieland. Humans barricaded in homes or other shelters are just leftovers for us to claim. Eventually we’ll infect or eat everyone within the perimeter, swell our numbers, and prepare to assault the humans’ main line of defense.
There Is No “I” in Human
Unlike the efficient, self-motivated zed, panicked humans need someone to slap them around and tell them what to do. This freakish weakness soon becomes a burden. It starts with complaining, then leads to questioning leadership. Eventually it escalates into something uglier: a once-powerful breather band can be torn apart by irreconcilable differences, making it vulnerable to a zombie horde’s attack. Not unlike a severed appendage flailing on the ground, a separated individual becomes an easy target.
Not to toot our own horns, but there is an “I” in zombie!
How to Kill a Human
Yes, the living can experience minor injures—muscle soreness, sprains, contusions, tendinitis, and possible fractures—but none of them will guarantee you a brainy dessert. If you scratch or bite a human, they will be infected by the z-virus and will eventually die and join our cause—but you want to eat, dammit! What you need to do is kill a human, not just harm it. Knock it cold to the ground, then chow down until your face is painted red.
Fortunately, if you can harm it, you can kill it! Breathers come in all shapes and sizes, but absent weapons or protective clothing, bodies of every type are equally susceptible to infection and/or death. Don’t be fooled—tattoos will not improve your prey’s defenses against the horde.
Every human’s soft underbelly shares the exact same set of innards: 11 entangled body systems that must continually perform their respective duties to maintain life. If any one system is seriously damaged, the body as a whole
cannot function. This interdependency provides you with 1,001 termination possibilities. For example, the human circulatory system is responsible for pumping six quarts of fresh, uninfected blood through thousands of miles of veins. If interrupted, the human goes down, blood squirting everywhere.
Getting hungry yet?
The human body is covered with vulnerable entry points into one or more organ systems. The following slaughter strategies will help you find them. Each one, when executed correctly, will result in something horrible. For them, that is.
Head Trauma
Be a trauma momma and go for the head!
Biting or scratching a breather’s facial features can cause major disorientation, and possibly impair your victims’ vision (see “Use Your Body as a Weapon,” page 81). Without sight, he or she will definitely be at a disadvantage.
You can also use your flailing arms to rain heavy blows to your victim’s head. This can bruise its brain and put the human in an unconscious state. Other common symptoms of a bruised brain are dizziness, stroke, seizures, vomiting, aneurysms, nosebleeds, and seeing stars and little birdies.
If pushed to the ground, a human could experience a skull fracture, and a skull fragment could “dent” into the brain. This could lead to quick death, or at least impair your victim while you feast.
And no, battering a brain it does not affect its nutritional value.
Internal Organ Damage
Like a turducken, the human body is stuffed with all types of internal organs. While the human skeleton is highly resistant to damage and human skin is highly resilient, damage done to internal organs such as the liver, kidney, or heart is often delightfully deadly.
To gain access to these organs, concentrate your bites and claws in body locations that offer the least resistance. The diagram on the right shows areas that are not protected by the skeletal system. Use your jaws or claws to break through the skin and tear away until you’ve damaged something important.
Bleeding
Make them bleed! Many humans go queasy at the sight of blood, and can quickly turn hysterical when they see blood flowing directly out of them.
Fragile humans are also super-duper blood dependent, and will go into shock if they lose even 30-40 percent of the red stuff, guaranteeing you a quiet meal. How can you, a scatterbrained zed, estimate the percentage you’ve drained? When your unwilling patient turns ghostly white and his or her heartbeat increases, you’re on the right track. To increase lethality, aim for a major artery shown on the diagram below.
4
HUNTING FOR BRAINS
Can we speak zed-to-zed? You can’t keep putting the brain on a pedestal. Uninfected breathers to brainwash gullible zeds into believing a coherent brain is godlike and unattainable. And though functioning gray matter can be cunning and crafty, it’s basically gooey mush.
Brains are also plentiful, though they don’t grow on trees. You have to get up off your bony butt and find them! Brain acquisition is the first rite of passage for any new recruit. But locating a human volunteer for your undead hazing is not easy. As all zombies know, heads are attached to bodies, and bodies have legs. A human’s are responsible for both locomotion and “consumption prevention”—anything to s
tay off the menu. Humans will run and hide, which can make obtaining their brains very difficult.
Yet not all humans will be hard to sink your teeth into. During the early stages of any zombie plague, less intelligent humans will be completely oblivious to the severity of the problem and continue to stumble around. As natural selection runs its course, other humans will wise up and get the hell out of sight. When this happens, you will need to develop your unique zombie talents to sniff out the living.
This chapter should assist any zed in the relentless pursuit of living Homo sapiens. It will outline successful hunting techniques and provide helpful strategies to penetrate human structures and overcome the obstacles you will face on the hunt.
But be cautious. While there is nothing like the pursuit of a living man, it’s only the first step in the feeding process. If you track down a meal only to find yourself unprepared to kill it, you’ll not only embarrass yourself but also put yourself in danger. To increase the chances of a successful hunt, carefully study the chapter on combat techniques before setting out (see “Attacking,” page 79).
In addition, hunting should always be attempted with fellow zeds. Most hunters are more effective as a pack—or in your case a horde. By communally descending on a single target, it will be more difficult for a swift-moving human to slip though your grasp.
Lunch, Dinner, or Midnight Snack?
Humans are generally more active during daylight and sleep at night to restore their bodies, which makes nighttime the ideal time for a zombie hunt. Most humans will be unprepared or resting, which makes them easy targets. In many cases, humans snore. A snoring human continually makes noises while sleeping, a sound that you can easily detect. Once you spot a group of sleeping humans, target the closest prey; the others will probably awake after you attack.
Once a zombie outbreak is in full swing, however, humans will dramatically alter their daily routine. You will experience human activity at all hours, including the dead of night. Humans often use the cover of darkness to migrate or forage for supplies. Their flashlights, torches, and lanterns are easily visible, even several miles away, depending on weather and terrain. More cautious humans may use the darkness to their advantage, shutting off their lights to conceal their presence. However, this will reduce their own ability to see, increasing these heavy breathers’ vulnerability to sneak attacks.
So should you discontinue day hunting? The short answer is no! Even though nocturnal hunting has many advantages, the bright light of day provides amazing visibility. However, some z-virus strains cause extreme light sensitivity, which forces the unlucky zed to hide during daylight and avoid blinding lightbulbs. Photosensitive zombies may also experience severe headaches, made all the worse when accompanied by human screaming.
Tracking
When it comes to hunting, zombies are inherently good trackers, so don’t disappoint the horde! With a combination of your specialized senses and an understanding of clues left by the living, it is easy to locate possible human habitations. Here are the most important clues that will help you close in on your meal.
Smoke. Smoke is a sure sign that something has gone down! While large plumes are usually the result of a car crash or house fire, small wisps of smoke suggest a human settlement. Humans may huddle around a fire to keep warm, and they have the disgusting habit of cooking food over open flames.
Trash. Humans are megaconsumers—they generate large amounts of trash, and often leave a trail of it behind them. Just follow the shiny candy-bar wrappers and empty bottles and cans, and you should find some unfortunate slob.
Fortified Structures. Homes or other buildings that have been fortified against zombie attack—with boarded up windows, for example—are usually stockpiled with brains. (See “Human Structures,” page 51.)
Vehicles. Cars and trucks that look to be in working condition, especially with abundant supplies strapped to the roof, are a sign that some human is prepared and on the move. (See “Transportation,” page 65.)
Pets. Breathers love companionship, and where a well-cared-for domestic animal is present, humans are never far behind. Dogs will detect your odor and start barking, which can help you find their owners. In a pinch, pets are suitable for eating (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114).
Noise. Our advice to you: investigate all noises. Most sounds are the direct result of something man-made or other zeds on the hunt.
Hunting Techniques
Once you’ve tracked down a promising supply, it’s time to round up some humans!
While you might be tempted to make it up as you go, here are a few techniques zeds have developed during past hunts that tend to yield a higher kill rate. Always remember: Safety in numbers and avoid being in front. And do not engage a human before reading the chapter on attack strategies (see page 79).
Baiting
To bait your prey, first immobilize a human decoy, preferably an attractive female. Keep your bait in a state of consciousness; your damsel in distress should remain screaming. In time, concern and arousal will lure other breathers out of hiding to assist her. Their stupidity will be your reward—converge on the human heroes and attack. If they call your bluff and abandon her, just finish her off.
One warning: you may find that zombies outside of your horde will try to steal your bait for their meal. Be prepared for zed-on-zed violence.
Brain Driving
Humans can be successfully herded in both rural and urban settings. The most difficult part of this tactic is separating your horde into two separate stalking groups. Once that is accomplished, the first group (the “drivers”) should slowly shamble forward, moaning and screaming. This undead commotion will alarm the living, who will flee from the impending assault—right into a trap set by your second group of brain-eaters.
Flesh Flushing
Instinctively, zeds have always relied on flushing techniques,the art of scaring the living out of hiding because of the fear of being eaten alive. This hunting method can create a mass exodus of breathers, right into the flailing arms of the horde outside.
While it might seem straightforward, success is not inevitable. It is very possible that a weapon-welding human is prepared for the initial assault, ready to chop off the head of any invading zombie. Sure, zombies fear nothing, but losing one’s head can ruin anyone’s day, so avoid being the “flusher” and stick with the waiting horde.
Persistence Hunting
Use your inherent tirelessness to pursue the living to exhaustion. Most human are easily capable of out running an average zombie ... in the short run. But eventually your prey will need to rest—it’s human nature—giving you the opportunity for a burden-free meal.
In this race, slow and steady always wins. If you are missing your legs, try crawling.
ENDURANCE CHART
Waiting for Food
When severe decomposition starts affecting your performance, or you’ve experienced the loss of major appendages, your quest for brains could become wearisome. In order to put food in your mouth, you will need to employ new hunting strategies. While most zombies roam far and wide for food, the patient zombie, hiding in secret, can be just as effective. Eventually, all brains come to those who wait.
The elements of surprise and fear work in your favor when ambushing your quarry. Here are the top 10 places to hide and hunt.
1. Closet. General storage areas, from wardrobes to kitchen cabinets, can be found in any human residence. They’re perfect for waiting until someone comes home, or a biohazard cleanup crew sweeps through.
2. Bathroom. ¿Donde esta el baño? The bathroom is usually a small enclosed space with few windows, making quick exits difficult. Since every human will eventually need to “use the facilities,” catching a human with his or her pants down can make for an easy meal.
3. Under the Bed. Yes, the old “monster under the bed” trick! Conceal yourself under or behind furniture, perfect for staying out of sight, out of mind. Wait for your victim’s pudgy ankles to walk by,
then bite, claw, or grab.
4. Basement. With minimal lighting and ample room to maneuver, the cellar is the perfect place to hang out until some human comes down looking for more AA batteries. Zed experience has shown that positioning yourself under the steps can be very successful.
5. Vehicles. Operating a car door latch may be above your IQ level, but perhaps someone in your horde will possess the necessary dexterity. Once you gain access to the vehicle, head for the rear. The trunk or backseat is a perfect location to hide until your victim buckles up!
6. Trash Cans. A trash can, dumpster, or pile of trash is the perfect cover, though the smell might hamper your ability to detect prey. At the same time, however, the odor can mask your own scent from humans, allowing you to casually hang out until something tasty walks by.
7. Behind Trees. Find a good-sized tree that’s larger than your width. From our past experiences, a tree that is smaller may not work as well.