by John Austin
The Jump
In this strategy, you penetrate the driver’s side windshield and obstruct the operator’s view of the road. Statistically speaking, it’s best accomplished around dusk for lowest human visibility. Choose a narrow street (rural or urban) to increase accuracy and the element of surprise. Patiently wait off to the side, or behind a number of obstacles abandoned on the road. Then, when you hear an approaching vehicle, stumble out directly in its path. Though most zombies are incapable of actually jumping, the impact will propel your body like a speeding missile, embedding your head and torso into the windshield. This will cause the driver to panic, causing a wreck or, at the very least, emergency braking.
This method is still extremely hazardous: three out of five zombies experience cranial trauma during the Jump. Reread the last sentence so you know what you’re getting into.
Body Bag Roadblock
During a serious zombie outbreak, human defenders will need ammunition, food, and other supplies on the front lines, so supply lines will be critical. Set up a temporary roadblock by using a large mob of the undead. This barricade will be both intimidating and fatal to anyone who dares to ram it.
With hundreds of infectious jaws and flailing appendages, your numbers will quickly overpower most automobiles, giving you access to the supply of brains inside. But the Body Bag Roadblock does come with a price: collateral damage is unavoidable. Position yourself toward the rear of the unruly mob.
Undead Traffic Stop
What is it about someone in uniform that captures everyone’s attention? If you’re lucky, your horde will include a few zombified emergency personnel, still sporting their official ensembles. We have found that human drivers will stop for assistance if they spot a uniformed official on a road standing by the appropriate vehicle—an abandoned one shouldn’t be too hard to find.
Of course, motorists will eventually realize that the officer is a zombie and quickly speed away. However, if the driver stops the vehicle first, or even just reduces speed, it provides an opportunity for an assault by the uniformed zed or a zed party waiting in the shadows.
Wounded Roadkill
Do Good Samaritans exist during a zombie outbreak? Probably not, but we will continue to test that theory.
For this tactic to work, a well-dressed, fresh zed should position its body facedown on the side of the road. All rotten flesh should be concealed, as faded green skin is an obvious sign that you are undead. Eventually, a vehicle racing out of infected territory will approach. The “victim” should move slightly to indicate that he or she is still “alive.” If the driver does step out to investigate, attack! However, it is very possible that a fleeing survivor will see through the ruse and take the opportunity to run you over, so don’t lie in the middle of the road.
Car Chase
What have we told you about chasing cars? Nothing yet—but chasing cars can actually help you secure your prey! You and your horde can distract the driver enough to cause a wreck worthy of Hollywood. Road obstacles and curvy roads increase the chances of causing a successful accident.
Depending on the speed of the vehicle, your reanimated muscles might eventually tear to the point of affecting your mobility, so don’t overexert yourself. In addition, watch out for random shots being fired from the vehicles (see “Avoiding the Bullet,” page 84).
Werezombies—undead werewolves—excel at car chasing. They have been known to exceed 55 MPH before incurring severe muscle damage.
Human Extraction
Hey, it actually worked—you stopped a vehicle! Now you need to extract your victims. Penetrating the outer defenses of a common civilian vehicle can be done quite easily. The following illustration and instructions provide a few quick tips on how to get access to a car’s soft insides.
1. Windshield Head Bang. Depending on how you stopped the vehicle, you might already be stuck through the windshield. Chomp your jaws and watch the mass exodus. Then free yourself and go after them!
2. Window Pull. Smash out a side window if possible. Grab onto your victim and yank him or her out through the broken glass—the smell of blood will drive you crazy (see “Holding Techniques,” page 80).
3. Roof Punch. Is the car a soft-top convertible? Soft tops are made out of vinyl or canvas and can easily be scratched or bitten through.
4. Back Window. Frequently smashed in the wreck or shot out with bullets, the back window provides the perfect access to the backseat. Once inside, go for their necks.
5. Rip the Damn Doors Off. One of the car’s doors could be damaged from the wreck. Give it a jerk. You can usually terrify the living by ripping doors off anything.
How to Hitch a Ride
Need to go somewhere? Hunting for brains with limited success can take its toll. As breathers are disposed of, brain resources will be depleted and probably won’t be replaced. It’s time for a change of scenery. Hitching a ride on an unsuspecting vehicle might be your meal ticket to new hunting grounds.
During an outbreak, most vehicles will be racing toward refugee camps and other uncontaminated areas, all full of fresh meat. With a little luck, you might snag a one-way ticket to one of these promised lands, with fresh brains as far as the zed can see. Turn the page for a few zombie hitchhiking tips.
Roof Surfing
When it comes to roof surfing, the bigger the vehicle the better. Delivery vehicles, buses, and semi trucks all have ample room to hang out on top. You can gain access to your ride by crawling up the back or dropping on top from above, but keep quiet so as not to reveal your presence. Continue your journey until you see, smell, or hear a large population of brains. Roll off and go to work.
Frame Hold
As the driver stops to raid a convenience store or defecate along the roadside, crawl under the vehicle and find something to hang onto. As soon as the breather is done doing whatever breathers do, he or she will jump back in and drive away. Your body will be subjected to harsh abrasion caused by the road surface, but it’s worth it. Eventually you’ll gain access through a checkpoint. Once inside the safe zone, unleash hell.
Bumper Drag
Subtlety has never been the zombie’s strong point, so why start now? While you’re certain to be discovered by the next passing motorist, just hang onto the back bumper for as long as you can. You will experience all types of motions that may dislodge your grip, but every mile you make it is one less mile you have to walk. Word of caution: you may lose your shoes.
Cargo Bay
Trucks, trains, planes, and even ships have cargo bays. Because they are not designed to hold the living, these areas are usually only lightly supervised, perfect for settling right in for the long haul. Position your zed body around or in cargo that will help hide you from the occasional security check until you have arrived. What you do at your final destination is your own damn business, but we suggest terrorizing.
Rides to Avoid
Some vehicles are highly specialized and won’t be used by the common human. Many of these vehicles are heavily built and could be armed with weaponry in support of the human resistance.
Some of our stopping techniques have been found to work on these vehicles, but most efforts will fail. When confronting a tank, armored car, or snow plow, zombie casualties will increase. The good news is, the breathers can’t stay inside forever; eventually these vehicles will need to refuel or replenish supplies, and then we’ve got them.
Carefully review the eye chart on the next page. The vehicle pictured should be approached with extreme caution.
One-Brain Vehicles
Single-brained vehicles are quick and small, making them difficult to catch. Many of them, including ATVs, dirt bikes, and big, red three-wheelers, are designed to handle all types of terrain. While they are superior in maneuverability, they are zed-vulnerable due to their open-cockpit design. Because the riders are exposed, they can easily be snared by a quick grab or projectile vomiting to the face. Sometimes you don’t even need to touch them—use basic scare tactics
to distract riders into losing their balance or control, causing them to crash.
Due to the sizes of these vehicles, hitchhiking is not possible.
6
ATTACKING
Using the hunting strategies in the previous chapters, you’ll be able to successfully track down your brainy target. What next? In order to subdue a living body for feasting, you need another plan of action.
Although only a small percentage of the living are prepared for living-on-undead combat, and most will ultimately fall before the zombie horde, that doesn’t mean a battle can’t be dangerous for you, the individual zombie. Humans possess an intense survival instinct, and when panic boosts their adrenaline, they’re capable of desperate feats of strength that can catch even the hardiest zombie off guard. Being slightly more coordinated than you, humans may wield makeshift weaponry and employ nontraditional fighting strategies—expect them to shoot at you, burn you, and impale you with pointy sticks.
Nevertheless, when most zombies attack a human, they prefer to whale away blindly, disregarding any physical damage their target inflicts on them in return. From past zombie experiences, we’ve realized this probably isn’t the best approach. Since our undead bodies don’t heal from injury, self-preservation is very important.
Yes, the undead instinct is always “Bite first, ask questions later,” but if you aren’t careful, that strategy can lead to your demise. Mastering a few simple self-defense strategies, including “weapons of the body,” will not only surprise the humans but also possibly impress your fellow zeds.
“ATTACK ANYTHING, FEAR NOTHING”
Holding Techniques
You’ve worked hard to find your prey, so you’d hate to lose it! The most basic attack strategy is holding a victim against his or her will. A properly executed hold will give you the opportunity to employ the other nasty strategies found in this chapter. Briefly study this illustration of the four most effective holds: the Hair Hold, the Bite Hold, the Arm Hold, and the Leg Hold.
Use Your Body as a Weapon
Your body is bursting with all types of bloodthirsty weaponry that can be used against the living. And remember: your flesh and blood are highly infectious. Once your victim is infected with the z-virus, he or she will begin to experience all types of nasty symptoms, weakening resistance and making it easier for you to gorge out. You can increase the likelihood of viral transference by biting, scratching, spitting, bleeding, and/or vomiting on your target.
The following diagram illustrates the deadliest weapons in your personal arsenal.
Biting
Your bite is mightier than your moan! Using your teeth, bite down on your victim’s flesh, hard enough to tear through the skin. This will cause direct fluid-to-fluid contact. If you are a severely decomposed zombie, you may have experienced tooth loss. Your rotten gums may not break the skin’s surface, making your mouth a less effective weapon.
Projectile Vomiting
Heaving toxic fluid from your stomach allows the possibility of attack at a distance. It can weaken your victim through infection, disorientation, or disgust, and can also cause temporary blindness. One out of four zombies is capable of projectile vomiting to a distance of six to seven feet.
PROJECTILE VOMITING CHART
Clawing
At the ends of your fingers are fingernails, made up of a tough protein called keratin. These popular zombie weapons, randomly sharpened by breaks and chips, can easily pierce your victim’s soft skin. When attacking for the kill, the more lacerations the more blood loss.
You should concentrate on clawing around your prey’s neck. If you cut the jugular vein, it can lead to fatal hemorrhaging. Clawing the victim’s head can also impair his or her vision, and possibly cause a concussion.
Enjoy your fingernails while you still can; eventually you will lose them due to severe decomposition.
Zed Melee Weapons
Along with their biological weapons (their bodies), certain zombies are capable of using primitive external weapons. If chimpanzees can, why can’t zeds?
Most advanced weapons require study and training to use. In other words, they’re too complicated for a zed. However, melee weapons, designed for close combat, can be effective without any technical know-how, just random arm motions.
Blunt Weapons
A blunt weapon is an edgeless, rounded, or unsharpened object used to inflict blunt force trauma. Clubs, pipes, logs, and severed body parts are all classified as blunt weapons. Tightly grab one of these items and haphazardly swing it around. Amputated appendages can be used to harm your victim psychologically as well as physically.
Edged Weapons
An edged weapon has two ends, the edge and the handle. If you carelessly handle the wrong end, you could lose a finger. Grab onto the non-shiny part before operating. These weapons usually require some training, but your abnormal shuffling and twitching will make it difficult for your victim to avoid being lacerated.
Projectile Weapons
You can quickly turn an ordinary object into a dangerous projectile by tossing it through the air, a technique best used during a siege. Glass fortifications can sometimes be demolished by chucking living and nonliving objects into them.
But now the bad news: 7 out of 10 zombies are incapable of throwing an object, and of the 3 who can, only 1 can hit its intended target.
Defensive Strategies
Past attempts at initiating a zombie apocalypse have always failed miserably. We know now that one of our biggest blunders has been our lack of defensive strategies. A zombie never retreats, only attacks—but better to attack in a way that limits the possibility of cranial injury and re-death. By studying thousands of failed engagements between humans and long-gone zeds, we have identified some of the most common attacks scenarios implemented by the living, and learned how to most effectively counter them.
Most humans are predictable—they usually go for your head. They have crafted all types of weapons to do this, but most often they rely on firearms. In certain situations, they may resort to fire or melee weapons instead, and either of these weapons can also cause cranial damage.
Review the following defensive strategies for the most common human attacks, and with a little luck you will avoid the embarrassing fate of our zombie forebears. Need more motivation? It’s quite possible these trigger-happy humans used to be your buddies! Such behavior from an ex is understandable, but family and friends—what gives?
Avoiding the Bullet
Head shots are a bitch! A bullet targeted to the brain will cause almost certain death. Slow as you are, it is highly unlikely you can avoid a bullet traveling as fast as four thousand feet per second. Your best protection is avoiding gunfire altogether.
Of course, that isn’t always possible. If they can, the living will certainly stockpile sufficient firepower to protect themselves and possibly hunt you down. Fortunately, as mentioned earlier (see “Terrible with Weapons,” page 35), most humans are not trained marksmen and will unload rounds wildly, desperately trying to land a lucky shot between your eyes. These cowboy antics are as likely to hit other humans as they are you. Unfortunately, other breathers are trained snipers, waiting for a trophy zombie to kill. Until you have a chance to observe the shooter’s technique, it will be very difficult to know the skill level of the target you are about to engage.
When being fired upon, you must avoid shots in both the Kill Box and the Deadly Triangle areas. A shot to the Kill Box is 99.9 percent fatal. Trained marksmen also aim at the Deadly Triangle, which if hit will result in an undead fatality. Head areas outside these kill zones are capable of absorbing minor blows without lasting effect, though if strong enough the hits could cause unconsciousness for 1 to 10 minutes. Severe damage to the upper spinal cord, the brain stem area, could also result in termination.
In short, guns are bad news. If you see a human holding one of the firearms depicted here, implement one of the following bullet-avoidance attack strategies. Remember, even after being b
itten, your victim still is capable of firing a weapon, so once you’ve employed a maneuver it is important to disarm (or remove the arm of) the shooter to avoid a scuffle shot.
KILL BOX
DEADLY TRIANGLE
Diamond Attack
The Diamond Attack, also called the Zombie Wedge, is used to move directly and quickly toward an armed human. If a Diamond Attack maneuver succeeds, the human target will only have time to take down the lead zombies posing the most imminent danger before the distance between the two forces closes and the remaining zombie in the rear can quickly overtake its target.