"Ethan!" Nanako snapped angrily.
"What?" I demanded, equally irate.
"Calm down."
"Those people are dead, Nanako, and it’s our fault."
"We warned you not to go on that fool's mission," Leigh piped up from the background.
"Not helping, Leigh," David replied, trying to shush him.
Nanako grabbed me and pulled me away from Madison, who continued to infuriate me by calmly wiping the plaster dust from the broken wall off her clothes as though nothing had happened.
"I know they are, Ethan," Nanako said. "And yes, it’s partially our fault, but you're gonna have to deal with it, 'cause we can’t undo it."
"But..."
"And don't get me started on you almost rushing in there to take on the Skel single handedly – what would I have done if you'd gone and got yourself killed – did you think of that?"
"I wasn't thinking clearly..."
"No; you weren't thinking clearly – you weren't thinking at all. Look, I know we stuffed up, but we're not the ones who killed those slaves, the Skel are. Yeah, we did something dumb, and if you'd listened to us this wouldn't have happened in the first place, but you gotta stop reacting like this. Turn your anger away from yourself, away from us, and aim it at the Skel – they're the ones who shot the slaves."
Feeling shamed by Nanako's public dressing down, I nevertheless took a deep breath and tried to process what she’d said, but the images of those unfortunates getting shot by the Skel continued to dominate my mind.
"You know we cannot stop with just the still, right?" Madison asked suddenly.
"What?" the rest of us asked in unison.
"We have to keep destroying the Skel's infrastructure."
"You're kidding me, right?" I asked in sheer disbelief.
"No, I am not."
"Didn’t you see what happened out there? Haven’t you been listening to a word we've been saying?"
"I see a bunch of children overreacting to something that is not their fault – that is what I see."
I wanted to slam her against the wall again, but a glance at Nanako put that idea to rest. "You’d better listen up, Madison, and listen up good," I said heatedly. "We're not taking any more action against the Skel. We're gonna sit here, day in and day out, doing nothing but watching and waiting for the Rangers to show up. You got me?"
"If you cannot make the tough decisions, Jones, it is time for you to step aside and let someone who can make them take command of this group," she replied.
"Madison, just...get back in your hole, okay?" I asked, scarcely believing my ears – she was challenging my leadership?
Seeing that she wasn’t gonna get anywhere with us, Madison threw her hands in the air and went upstairs, muttering to herself about how infantile and immature we all were.
A sharp metallic sensation shot through my tongue, followed by another, and then came a seizure. I ran my hands through my hair and sighed as I waited for it to run its course, and then went and sat in the darkest corner of the lounge room – the spot between the wall and the threadbare two-seater sofa. I just wanted to be alone and work through this mess in my mind – this was one of the worst days of my life. Those poor slaves, I mean, they had a terrible life to begin with, but to be executed in cold blood in retaliation for something they didn’t do? What a nightmare. I wished we’d never come here.
"What’s with him?" Shorty whispered.
David grabbed Shorty by the arm and dragged him upstairs after him, whispering, "Just shut it, okay?"
Leigh followed them, leaving only Nanako over near the front door and me in my corner. I was hoping for some time to myself, but seemed that wasn’t to be, for Nanako came over and stood before me, and I could tell from her expression that I was still in her bad books. At any other time, I would have reflected on how gorgeous she looked when she frowned, but I was too beat up inside to focus on that now.
"What?" I snapped rather unkindly.
"You can't afford to lose your rag like that," she said softly, but with that disapproving tone still prevalent.
Chapter Twenty-One
"But..."
"No buts, Ethan – you gotta pull yourself together," she said, glaring down at me. "Look, I hesitate to say this, but let me ask you a question. Would you rather be dead or be a Skel slave with no avenue of ever escaping?"
"Dead," I replied without even the slightest hesitation.
"Me too."
"Oh," I said softly when I saw where she was going with this. Still...
"What happened was bad, and yes, it happened because of us, but we can't have you going ape like this when bad things happen," she admonished.
I tried to get my head around the point she was trying to make.
"Remember what Leigh told us before we set off?" she asked.
"Yeah, nothing ever goes the way we plan or want it to."
"Well, he was right, wasn’t he?"
"Yeah, but..."
"No buts! I want you to sit here, work through this, and pull yourself together. And reflect on the fact that more things like this may happen, and how you should react when they do. Okay?"
Man, this was like getting a lecture from my father, or Michal... That brought me up short, for everything she’d just said was exactly the sort of thing Michal would be telling me right now if he was here.
"Okay," I said as I hung my head in shame.
"One last thing – don't go taking your frustration out on Madison – you almost pushed her through the wall. How do you think you'd be feeling right now if you injured or killed her in your anger?"
"But she's so infuriating!" I protested.
"You’re the one who made the call to go on this mission, Ethan, not her. You could have rejected her suggestion, like David and Leigh asked you to, like I wanted you to. You've only got yourself to blame."
"But you just said..."
"I know what I said!"
"I'm getting mixed signals here," I protested.
"Okay – we’re all to blame to some degree or another, but we gotta temper our reactions when things go wrong, that's what I'm saying. And yeah, we all feel like throttling Madison, but that doesn't mean we can give in to that impulse and act on it."
"So I’ve got to apologise to her too, now?" I asked as I leaned my head back against the wall.
"That’s for you to decide," she said, and then she was gone, leaving me alone in the corner with emotions and a head full of thoughts running rampant, trying to pull me under.
I stayed there a long time, working through things, telling myself off, and trying to change my attitude so I wouldn’t go flying off the handle next time something like this happened – if something like this happened again. After that, I went and apologised to Madison, and got a "Whatever!" response for my efforts. Then she’d asked if I’d changed my mind about not harassing the Skel anymore. When I told her I hadn’t, she’d stalked off in a huff.
I stayed away from everyone, including Nanako, for the rest of the day except for when it was my turn to be on watch. I felt like I was diseased or something. I wondered how they all thought of me, thanks to my immature behaviour today.
When night fell, I plucked up the courage to mount the stairs and try my luck with Nanako, who’d gone to bed an hour earlier.
Thinking I might earn another tongue-lashing should I wake her, I tiptoed across the room and lay beside her on the makeshift bed.
To my surprise, she woke immediately and snuggled up to me, throwing her leg and arm across me. "Took your time getting up here," she said sleepily, but with a touch of mirth. "Was beginning to think you were gonna hide from me all day."
"You’re not mad at me anymore?" I asked, perplexed.
"Of course, not, you big doofus. I can never stay angry with you for long, you know that. Now hold me so I can get some sleep."
I wrapped her up in my arms, and though she fell asleep instantly, yet again sleep was a long, long time coming for me.
* * *
The next two days crawled by at a snail’s pace. Life outside our windows seemed to return to normal. The slaves were back in the market gardens; the Skel were back to bossing them around, and a couple of noisy, backfiring Skel trucks roared up to the community centre to make deliveries of a handful of people they’d caught somewhere out in Melbourne’s ruins or the Victorian countryside.
We took turns watching the community centre, hoping, mentally pleading, for the Rangers to come so we could film them in the act of their evil deed and then get the blazes out of this oppressive place.
My sleep was plagued with nightmares inspired by the events I’d seen on Wednesday, and the rest of my companions seemed to be as morose as I was, except for Madison, of course. She watched us like a hawk when we ate together, biding her time, and waiting for an opportunity to try to talk us into attacking the Skel again.
And then, on Friday, when five of us were outside in the backyard exercising to keep ourselves fit – Leigh was upstairs watching the community centre – the one thing I dreaded more than anything else made its unwanted appearance. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time.
Nanako and I’d been practicing karate when she suddenly stopped and stared at me meaningfully.
"What?" I prompted, with a twinkle in my eye.
"I’m late," she whispered.
On the other side of the yard, Madison’s head snapped up, for she alone of the others heard Nanako’s comment.
"Late for what?" I asked, kinda moronically, since I was pretty sure I knew what she meant.
"I’ve been hanging off telling you this, ‘cause you can never be sure with these things, but my period’s four weeks late," she said quietly, searching out my eyes.
"You mean you’re..."
"Pregnant, yes, I think so," she said, smiling in such a sweet, gentle way that my heart broke in two. She was excited and full of hope because she believed she was with child again, but she didn’t know; she didn’t have even an inkling that all her pregnancies would result in miscarriages. That’s if Madison was right, and she could be wrong, couldn’t she?
"Have you ever been late before?" I asked, hoping against hope that she was wrong.
"Never, I’m as regular as clockwork," she said, hope shining through her eyes.
"Still, we don’t know for sure, right?" I asked, trying to find any slim chance she might not be pregnant. For if she was, and it ended in a miscarriage, that miscarriage would be the death knell of our marriage, and I didn't want to face this now. I'd been hoping she wouldn't get pregnant again for many months, if not years, so I could stay with her as long as possible before I had to leave her.
Nanako frowned, hurt. "You don’t seem too happy about it – what’s going on, Ethan? I thought you’d be delighted, considering what happened last time?"
I grabbed her hands and tried my best to give her a reassuring smile. "Well of course I’m happy, and excited to boot, but I just wanna make sure, that’s all. I mean, we’re not exactly in a good place to deal with a pregnancy right now, you know what I mean?"
"Oh," she said, breathing out a large sigh of relief, "Is that all that’s troubling you?"
"Absolutely," I half-fibbed. For this was the last place on earth anyone would want to have a baby.
"Well, I’ve been thinking about that, and I know we haven’t finished our mission and all, but...I...I can’t stay here, not if I’m pregnant. ‘Cause this time I have to do everything right. I need a balanced diet; I need folic acid; I need regular checkups at the hospital." She stopped and searched my eyes, seeing if I was on the same page.
I forced myself to nod, to agree, even though I knew that if she was pregnant and Madison was right, there was nothing she or any doctor could do to bring this pregnancy to term.
"Sorry, I could not help but overhear your conversation," Madison said as she walked too casually over to join us.
I looked at her and I panicked, my heart smashing away like a sledgehammer – was she gonna tell Nanako what she’d told me? I glared at her and gave my head a tiny shake, hoping she’d get my drift.
Madison gave me a sickly sweet smile and turned to Nanako. "I can check if you are pregnant, if you like."
"How?" Nanako asked, surprised.
"With flash sonar, of course."
"You can use it like that?"
"Sure can."
"Ah, okay," Nanako said, nodding hesitantly. "Do you need me to lie down or something?"
"No, just stand still for a moment."
Nanako complied, so Madison knelt before her and let off several strings of ultrasonic musical notes over her midriff. And in between these bursts of flash sonar, she whispered to me below Nanako’s hearing, "You still have not told her, have you, Jones?"
"Of course not – you could be wrong," I whispered back at the same volume.
"I am not wrong. You have to tell her."
"I will."
"When?"
"That’s for me to decide!"
Madison regained her feet and flashed what could possibly be classified as a smile. "Congratulations, Nanako – you are about five or six weeks pregnant."
Chapter Twenty-Two
"But how can you tell?" Nanako asked as she ran her hands over her stomach, wonderment framing her face.
"I have...had experience with these sorts of things before. We echolocators are like living ultrasound machines," Madison replied carefully.
Nanako spun around and took my hands in hers. "Ethan, I am pregnant, did you hear? Isn’t that just wonderful?"
I threw my arms around her, and while chanting to myself, Madison could be wrong, I said, "That’s awesome, Nana-chan." And I realised then that Nanako was right; we couldn’t stay here. If there was even the slightest chance that doctors could make this pregnancy work, we had to take that chance. This baby was our highest priority right now. At the very least, I had to get Nanako somewhere she could get the proper medical attention, and then I could come back here and finish the job of catching out the Rangers. "And you're right, we have to leave – but where can we go? Hamamachi’s off limits, as will be Inverloch."
"What about Ballarat?" Nanako suggested. "That’s a pretty good-sized town, right? They'll have doctors and gynaecologists and a hospital?"
"From what their foragers told me, I expect so, yeah."
"Hold fire for a moment," Madison interrupted coldly. "You two are going to up and leave in the middle of the mission just because Nanako is pregnant?"
"I lost my last baby – I ain’t losing this one too," Nanako replied.
"I am sorry to hear that, but your baby is one life, and this mission will determine the fate of everyone who lives in Newhome – more, it will affect the lives of everyone in Victoria. And do not get me started on the effort it took to get here and what has transpired because of it. Do you want that all to be for nothing? Do you want to be responsible for the death of everyone in Newhome? Not to mention how common it is for pregnancies to miscarry in their early days."
"Now come on, that’s unfair," I protested, almost tripping over my words. I'd almost squeaked in shock when Madison mentioned miscarriages: I thought for a moment she was about to tell Nanako what she'd told me.
"Talk her into staying or I'll tell her what you will not – that she will have a miscarriage – and then she will resign herself to remaining as long as is necessary," Madison threatened me softly.
"Don't threaten me, Madison," I whispered back angrily.
"Look, I know you can't count on a pregnancy in the early days, but after what happened last time, I've got to do this pregnancy right. I owe it to this little one. So why don’t we give it a few more days," Nanako said after a moment’s thought.
"And if there is still no sign of the Rangers after that?" Madison prompted.
"We can talk about it again then. I mean, they have to come soon, right?" Nanako said, her voice pleading.
"Do they?" was Madison’s spiteful reply as she locked eyes with me.
&n
bsp; "Okay, we stay a few more days, and then we'll discuss it again," I said, siding with Nanako while clenching and unclenching my fists – the timing for Nanako getting pregnant couldn’t have been worse! This was a disaster.
Later that night when we were in bed, Nanako took my right hand and placed it on her belly. "I know I shouldn't get my hopes up this early in the piece, but it's hard not to, you know? Can you believe there's a little life in here, that's half-me and half-you?"
"I know, right?" I replied, trying to sound authentically delighted, although inside I was being torn apart. I could see her hope and determination to see this pregnancy through, but if Madison was right, she would not only lose this baby, but me as well. But losing me was good, right? She'd remarry and then her desire to have her own kids would be fulfilled.
Then again, there was still the pressing issue of me needing to tell her the truth before she got her hopes up too high, but I was still terrified out of my wits about how she'd react if I told her the bad news. I mean, on one hand, if I don't tell her and she loses the child, she will be so distraught and heartbroken, so surely I should warn her now and prepare her for this eventuality so that she won't get her hopes up and be destroyed by heartache and disappointment when it happens. But if I do tell her, she may become so disappointed and disillusioned that it could trigger another depressive episode. So either way, she'll be distraught, but which is worse?
"You still don't sound too pleased about all this, Ethan," Nanako said after a moment.
Blast, but did she have to read me like a book? "Oh, I am," I replied. "But I've just got so much on my mind. I mean, we have to save Newhome – we have to catch the Rangers making another delivery of refugees, and we have to do that within a week."
"They'll come – they have to," Nanako assured me as she wrapped her arms around my chest. "Now stop worrying about it, okay? Things'll turn out all right, you'll see."
"Yeah," I agreed, though with far less conviction than I should have.
Forager - the Complete Six Book Series (A Post Apocalyptic/Dystopian Series) Page 62